I love you.
My eyes snapped open in
pure terror. Did I just think that? They stayed wide open, my body
tensing slightly. As we made our slow turn, I could see Maximus and
Bird watching us intently, but they had no bearing on what just
happened. I loved him?
I lifted my head up and
pulled back ever so slightly. Dex lowered his brows knowing
something was off. The song ended.
We stopped but he still
held me. And just like that I was scared. Terrified of these
feelings inside of me. I wanted to get away, I needed to clear my
head. I hoped to God that U2 wasn’t the next song.
“
Whatcha doing wifey?” he
asked curiously.
“
Song’s
over,” I said trying to sound as breezy as possible.
I don’t love you
, I
thought. That was crazy talk.
He looked around him at
nothing and everything, appearing to listen. Then he said, “Is
it?”
“
Just the Way you Are” came
on the speakers next. Are you serious?
Dex laughed. “Don’t look so
worried. Best fifty cents I’ve ever spent.”
“
What? Did
you select Billy Joel’s
Greatest
Hits
or something?”
“
Well, I tried,” he licked
his lips. “But these were the only two songs. I’m afraid it’s
Poison after this so you should probably enjoy this dance while you
can.”
We started moving to the
music again, the slow build at the beginning.
“
You really like Billy Joel,
don’t you?” I said.
He brought me closer to him
and smiled broadly, his cheeks rising. My goodness, he was handsome
when he smiled. “He’s all right. But I figured you might dance with
me if I put this on. Only fair that I get to dance with my
wife.”
“
A good wife would dance
with you to anything,” I pointed out. “Especially with you. You’re
a modern day Gene Kelly.”
He laughed. “Years of
theatre school and that’s the only thing that sticks.”
I didn’t know what to say
to that so I just shook my head slowly to myself. Theatre school
was a surprise but then again what the hell wasn’t. If Dex told me
that he used to work for NASA, I wouldn’t have batted an eye. In
fact, I could imagine him wanting to check out aliens on another
planet.
Finally, I said, “You’re
going to continue to surprise me, aren’t you?”
“
I hope so. The element of
surprise is all I have,” he surmised.
Then he grabbed my
ass.
I’m not kidding. He full on
grabbed it, squeezed it with one of his hands. I looked at him,
shocked, but he was looking at Bird and Maximus, grinning like an
idiot and giving them the thumbs up with his other hand.
“
What the hell, Dex?” I
hissed. I wasn’t mad, just…well, surprised. He had that.
He let go but still held me
close in that general area.
“
What? I’m allowed to grab
my wife’s ass. She’s got a nice one.”
I narrowed my eyes at him.
“What would Jennifer think?”
I didn’t mean to bring her
up at all but it was the first thing out of my mouth. I knew
ass-grabbing wasn’t really a major offense in the rule book (unless
it’s one of your drunk uncles, now that shit is out of line) yet it
seemed wrong. Probably just as wrong as that “I love you” thought
that danced across my head only moments earlier. Things, once
again, were getting way out of control.
Dex didn’t seem too put out
by the mention of his girlfriend, though his eyes grew serious and
he calmly said, “There is no Jennifer in this scenario.”
I had to admit, I kind of
liked that scenario. But…
“
You’re skirting dangerous
territory, Dex,” I told him while hoping he would just get it and
not have me plunge into an explanation.
“
What do you mean?” he said
innocently, widening those eyes of his to perfect
circles.
Of course. And what was I
going to say? That he was trying to lead me on? Was he even? Did he
know I liked him, let alone….eh, I didn’t even want to finish that
thought.
“
Your girlfriend is awfully
trusting of you, that’s all,” I said, even though it was very
clearly not all.
Our stare intensified for a
split second. Then Dex did that lazy grin of his.
“
We have a relationship
based on trust. Just like you and I do.”
Oh, why did he have to add
that last part in there? I nodded anyway. It was true and it was
foolish for me to speculate on their relationship. Didn’t mean I
was going to stop though, least not in my head.
“
Looks like you’re
attracting some yokels at ten o’ clock,” Dex said. I looked over my
shoulder. Sure enough there was a pair of guys blatantly leering at
me. They weren’t wearing cowboy hats like the rest of them.
Instead, they had simple jeans and t-shirts and the appearance of
surly dispositions. One of them had his neck taped up with all
sorts of bandages, the other had a black eye. Probably your typical
aimless twentysomethings who went around their small town making
trouble. I hoped that their leering wouldn’t soon translate into a
fight with Dex. But Dex didn’t seem to mind all that much. And why
should he. I was just his fictional wife.
“
Lovely pair,” I said to
him. “Are you suggesting I go for them?”
“
Only if you wanna add
another cut to that cheek,” he replied and spun me
around.
When the song ended Dex
decided it was time for the bathroom and left. Maximus had already
gone to the bar to get us a round of other drinks. So I sat down
beside Bird and wished the beer I had left was cold, and still
full.
“
I think those are the
fellas that were attacked on the Lancaster’s property,” Bird said,
nodding in the direction of the douchebags. I stole another glance.
They were still looking over at me with intensity. It unnerved me
even more.
“
Are you sure?” I
asked.
“
Yup,” Bird said and leaned
back. “Want me to go ask them some questions?”
I shook my head absently.
If anyone was going to get answers, it was going to be
me.
“
Let me handle this,” I said
confidently. I started to get up but Bird reached out for
me.
“
Be careful Perry,” he said,
his eyes pleading. I couldn’t upset Bird. I would be careful.
Besides, what’s the worst that could happen to me in this bar with
all these people around? I wasn’t an idiot.
I gave him a reassuring
smile and made my way over to them, doing the strut I only do when
I’m feeling either confident or drunk. The latter was winning out
at this part. This was going to be my greatest acting mission
ever.
I stopped just in front of
the guys who were perched at the bar ledge that surrounded the
dance floor and put on my bimbo face.
“
Say, would you two be from
around here?” I asked them, my voice several octaves higher than
usual.
They both perked up, then
played it cool.
“
Yeah,” the one with the
black eye said. “We’re from here. You’re not.”
“
No, I’m not,” I smiled
bashfully. “I’m here visiting some friends of mine. You have a
lovely town. Do you come to this bar often?”
“
Only bar we have,” the guy
said, looking me up and down. He exchanged a look with his friend.
“Can we buy you a drink?”
“
Sure. Coors Light would be
great, thanks,” I replied, not wanting to get anymore drunk at this
point. His injured friend hobbled off to the bar. He definitely did
look like he was attacked by something. I turned my focus back to
the dude in front of me. He was about 6 feet tall, well built, with
black curly hair that was on the longish side. His eyes were so
dark that they almost looked entirely black. He didn’t look native
but was certainly tanned and his hands were rough enough to
indicate he did a lot of outdoor work.
“
What’s your name?” I asked.
“I’m Perry.”
“
Perry,” he laughed. “That’s
fucking weird.”
I smiled stiffly, resisting
the urge to punch his lights out. “And you are?”
“
Daniel,” he said. “That
your boyfriend?”
He was pointing past me. I
looked and saw Dex making his way back to the table with several
drinks under his arms in Neil Hamburger fashion.
“
No,” I said hesitantly. I
should have mentioned that he was actually my pretend husband but I
thought that might interfere with my fake hitting on them. I was
grateful that my wedding ring was at my side and out of his sight.
I contemplated taking it off and slipping it into my
pocket.
Daniel and I managed to
make some small talk though until his brother Hank came back and
handed me my beer. Not that it made a difference, since Hank barely
said two words. Both of them were brothers and mighty strange ones
at that. Hank seemed ill almost and was constantly itching his
neck. Daniel was lewd, rough and reluctant to talk about half the
subjects I approached him with, even innocent ones like where he
went to school and what he did for a living. Most I got was that
they likened themselves to modern day Indiana Joneses. Thank
goodness for the free beer, drinking it was pleasantly
distracting.
Then the questions about me
came. Who was I visiting? Why was I here?
“
Oh, family friends,” I
said. “The Lancasters.”
They both tensed up at
that. Interesting.
“
You know them?” I said,
baiting them.
Daniel nodded, “Everyone
knows everyone here. One big incestual family.”
I smiled awkwardly. My face
felt kind of funny, like my lips didn’t want to move.
Daniel went on to say the
Lancasters were on hard times, as was everyone else in the area. He
didn’t sound sorry about it, though.
I listened while he talked,
though I felt more and more removed from the situation. I put my
hand up to my forehead. It felt hot as hell and I was starting to
feel dizzy. My fingers felt numb too, which was strange.
Maybe I should slow down with the
drinking
, I thought. I was running on
adrenaline and barely any sleep. It had been the longest day
ever.
I put my beer down on the
ledge. It was only half full, something I noted with strange
concentration.
“
Our beer not good enough
for you?” Daniel questioned with annoyance.
I shook my head and tried
to explain, “It’s been a long day.”
Except I slurred most of
that. I looked around the room. The people laughing, yelling,
singing…they all came in and out of focus. The room seemed poised
to start spinning, like horses at a starting gate. I looked at
Daniel. He looked vaguely concerned.
“
Are you OK?” he said
putting his hand on my shoulder.
I nodded, trying to ignore
it. It was hard. I felt like I couldn’t even think straight. It was
all the workings of one of my panic attacks.
Strange
, I thought
disjointedly,
since I had no warning
signs.
Yet my head felt like it
was a sandbag. I was having troubles keeping it up as I brought my
gaze over to the table. Dex and Bird were drinking and talking. I
didn’t know where Maximus went. It didn’t matter.
“
I need fresh air,” I said
slowly, trying hard not to slur. I did not want them to think
anything was wrong. It was too embarrassing.
I very carefully got to my
feet and smiled as if I weren’t swaying to the left helplessly.
They both got up in unison and gripped both my
shoulders.
“
Do you feel sick?” Daniel
asked.
I mumbled something in
response.
They took hold of my arms
and took me around the dance floor and to the back corner of the
room where there was an emergency exit door. I tried to keep
focused on Dex and Bird but when we passed their table, they were
too occupied to notice me. And I was too incompetent to say
anything to get their attention. I just watched hopelessly as I
passed them by, my neck wobbling back and forth, like overcooked
spaghetti.
The boys opened the door,
the emergency sign was glowing this unnatural, oversaturated red
that took over my vision.
Next thing I knew I was
outside. It was freezing cold and dark as anything. For a second I
felt completely sober, like the chill was enough to shock me
slightly into a better sense of comprehension.
But then I lost it. I fell
to my knees, the cold dirt a terrible landing pad.
Just leave me here. Leave
me here on my all fours like a dog and I’ll be happy.
My thoughts felt distant, like someone else was
thinking them for me. I just wanted to crawl away somewhere and
sleep but I stared at the dark dirt between my hands, focusing on
every grain, on every molecule. It fascinated me. All I could think
of was the dirt and the cool feeling of it against my sore hands.
In the bare light from the bulb above the door, it almost looked
like the dirt crystals could be stars and when my vision started to
blur, they sparkled like far off galaxies.