Red: Through the Dark (6 page)

Red

“What’s wrong?” I ask when I step into Aunt Germaine’s room, but she’s shaking her head, staring at a pile of fabric. I was supposed to meet her here for a final fitting for my dress, but I can tell right away that there’s a problem.

That’s when it hits me.

It’s not a pile of fabric she’s staring at: it’s the remains of my dress. I walk forward slowly, not wanting to believe what I’m seeing. It looks like someone took a knife – or their claws – to my dress. What was once a beautiful gown is now nothing but a pile of scraps. Blue and white lace is piled up on the table and she begins trying to sort the pieces of fabric, but I can already tell it’s too late.

There’s no saving the dress.

“It’s okay,” I place a gentle hand on her shoulder. When Germaine turns around, her eyes are full of unshed tears. They shoot straight to my heart, making me wish I could take this pain away from her, making me wish I could somehow make her not feel so sad, so hurt.

“It’s not okay, honey. None of this is okay.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know.” She looks confused as she stares at the dress, and I wonder who could have done this. Who would want to ruin my wedding day? Tessa has backed off and hasn’t given me a hard time in weeks. None of the other wolves have, either. In fact, they seem to be purposely keeping their distance from me, which I don’t mind.

“Who would do this? Is there any chance it was an accident?”

“There’s no chance of that, honey. Look at this.” She holds up a piece of the lace the runs her finger down a jagged tear. “Claws. Someone came in here with their claws out and wanted to send a real message.”

“They don’t want me marrying their Alpha,” I say dryly.

It’s the understatement of the century. No matter what I do, I’m never going to be a wolf. Even though the last few weeks have been fine, that’s
all
they’ve been: fine. No one has given me a hard time, but no one has really talked to me, either.

Most of the wolves simply ignore me.

“They’ll warm up,” Aunt Germaine says, and I can tell she really believes what she’s saying, but I don’t know if I can believe it. Maybe Nash really would be better off without me. It’s not my first time thinking this way, but as I look at my ruined dress, I can’t help but focusing on that thought.

Maybe I should just leave
.

Nash would never admit he wants a wolf bride. He would fight for me to the death. I know that, but he needs this pack. The pack is his family. Maybe he needs them more than he needs me. Maybe I should walk away and give him the pack, let him live with the ones who need him more than I do.

We met under weird circumstances, I know. Maybe that’s why we’re struggling now. I know I can’t say anything to Nash about the dress because he’ll be upset. He’ll talk to the pack and they’ll resent me even more for being a nasty little tattle-tell.

I won’t give them the satisfaction.

“We can make another dress,” Aunt Germaine says, and I nod numbly.

“Yeah. I’ll come back tomorrow, okay? We can talk about it then. I think I just want to be alone right now, though.”

She looks at me knowingly and for a brief second, I hate the way Germaine can see straight through me.

“It’ll get better,” she offers helpfully.

“Will it?” I ask before I can stop myself.

“Sit,” she points at a chair, and I collapse in it.

“The pack hates me.”

“They just don’t like change.”

“They think he’s better off without me.”

“They don’t like anything new or unusual, honey.”

She heads into the corner while I sulk in my seat, then returns with two cups of tea. I take mine and gingerly sip it.

“Did you know my husband was human?” She asks and I spit my tea out.

“What?”

“He was. A woodsman,” she adds, as if she’s imparting a huge secret, and in some ways, she is.

“I had no idea.”

“Most of the pack doesn’t remember him. Those who do remember him don’t realize he wasn’t a shifter.”

“But can’t you guys smell if someone is human.”

“Yes, but we were together so often my scent covered him. The only thing the other shifters could smell was me.”

“So you’re saying that when you and he, um, were ‘together,’” I begin.

“Sexually,” she adds helpfully.

“Right. When you were together sexually,” I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with Nash’s aunt. Could I be any more embarrassed? “You basically scent-marked him?”

“Mmhmm.”

“So you think, what? That Nash and I should have more sex?” I blush. We have sex a lot already. At least, I think we do. The problem is that although the pack has returned to normal, basically, we still struggle to find time to ourselves. There’s still a lot that seems to conspire to keep us apart.

Often, we don’t get to be alone until the end of the day and by that point, we’re both so exhausted we can’t think straight. I’ve been running the children’s care center in the caves and Nash is always so busy with pack business that we hardly have time to ourselves.

Maybe there’s something to what she’s saying, though.

“I don’t think they’re going to forget I’m not a wolf.”

“But they might mind a lot less if you don’t smell so human.”

“Maybe.”

“It’s worth a try. You have nothing to lose.”

“Hmm.” I give her my mug and stand up. “I should go.”

“Think about what I said.”

“I will.”

I head back into the hallway and walk down to the children’s center. It’s time for my shift playing with the little cubs. When I reach the care center, I’m greeted by eight little wolf cubs who pile on me.

“Red!” They all shout, and I’m overwhelmed. It’s hard for me not to feel overcome with joy and contentment when they greet me like this. It’s been so long since I felt loved like this.

“About time you showed up,” Ali says glumly from the corner. She’s glaring at me, but a quick look at the clock shows I’m precisely on time, if not a little early.

“Rough morning?” I ask cheerfully, trying to diffuse the situation.

“Anna threw up, so I called her mother. Leslie was late, but showed up about twenty minutes ago. She’s over there napping,” Ali points to a corner where the 4-year-old cub is curled up in a pile of pillows. She’s fast asleep.

“Were her parents up late fighting again?” I ask with a frown. Leslie has been having trouble sleeping at night. She told us her folks have been arguing. One of the reasons we offer childcare for the pack now is so that couples have time to work on their relationships. It worries me that they’re still arguing all the time. Maybe I should ask Nash to talk with them. We have many wolves who are trained professionals in various fields. Maybe someone would be willing to offer marriage counseling for wolf mates who are struggling.

“Yeah,” Ali’s face softens as she looks at the little girl. “I feel sad for her.”

“It’s a hard place to be in,” I murmur, remembering my mother’s own marriage struggles. While she and my dad stayed married, they had trouble for many years. As a kid, I’d lay awake listening to them argue late into the night. I always worried I’d wake up and my dad would be gone.

I always worried I’d never see him again.

“Um,” I clear my throat, trying to come back to the present. “What about the other kids?”

“Tam and Lia had a fight, but they worked it out together. Nothing else really has happened.”

“Okay. Did everyone sing songs and color this morning?”

“Yeah,” Ali says with a smile. “And we did a craft.”

“Really?” I’m surprised. Ali is one of the most loyal volunteers we have, but she doesn’t always like to be around the kids. I’m not really sure why she offered to work at the childcare center, but I like that she’s so willing to help out despite her obvious lack of interest in children. Who knows? Maybe she’ll learn some skills that will help her with her own kids someday.

“Yeah.” She’s cut off by the sound of a little baby crying. “Hey, Ralph is awake.” She darts up before I can move and hurries to the crib in the corner. “Hey there, little guy,” she swoops him up and hugs him close, then carries him to the changing table to get him cleaned up.

I don’t say anything as I watch her for a second, surprised at how far she’s come. When Ali and I started working together, she seriously hated kids and I almost asked her to stop coming. I’m glad I didn’t. She’s really come around.

She finishes changing Ralph, then brings him to me and hands him over. Is that reluctance I see in her eyes? Maybe she’s getting attached.

“I should go now,” Ali says. “He’s going to need a bottle soon. His mom brought a bottle of breast milk. It’s in the fridge.”

“Okay,” I smile, taking the little bundle. I peek at his tiny face and smile as the baby looks up at me. I know I’m not his mommy, but I sure like this little guy. His mother helps in the kitchens preparing food for the pack, so he comes for a couple of hours each day.

“Bye, kiddos,” Ali waves to the little ones and grabs her purse, then heads out of the room.

“Well, guys,” I settle in to the rocking chair with baby Ralph. “Looks like it’s just us now.”

The next few hours pass in a whirlwind of painting, drawing, stories, games, and snacks. Before I know it, every kid has been picked up except for Tam, so the two of us sit in the middle of the floor and play patty-cake until his parents come back for him.

Paulson and Sally are two of my favorite wolves. They just seem so happy and in love. She’s pregnant with their second baby, and her belly is getting huge.

“Thanks for taking such good care of our little guy,” Paulson says as he gathers Tam in his arms.

“No problem,” I say. I collect Tam’s sippy cup and diaper bag, then hand them both to Sally. “How are you feeling?” I ask her.

“Oh, you know,” she pats her belly. “About ready to pop. I feel like I’m going to explode, actually,” she laughs.

“Well, you look lovely,” I say honestly, trying not to let the pang of jealousy that fills my heart be known. Will Nash and I have a baby of our own someday? Part of me wants one. I love the idea of being filled with his seed, of growing his own little cub. Would it look more like me or like him? Would the baby have his cute nose and my bright eyes? Would it have his hair or mine? Would it be a boy or a girl? I try not to think about it too much because it’s silly to dream about something that might not ever happen.

There’s a very big part of me that still whispers I’m not good enough for him. There’s part of me that thinks he’d be better off with someone else, a real wolf. There’s part of me that thinks he’d be better off with someone who can
definitely
give him a shifter baby. Even if I bear his child, there’s no guarantee it would be a shifter. Who knows? The baby could end up like me: human.

Do I really want to raise a human baby in a wolf’s den?

Do I really want my child to feel like he or she isn’t part of the pack?

Paulson and Sally are so lucky. Tears fill my eyes as I think about how happy their sweet little family is and how blessed they are to have each other.

I’m guessing my jealousy fills the air because suddenly, Paulson and Sally each sniff, then turn back to me.

“Are you all right?” Paulson asks carefully, and I just nod.

“Yeah, I’m totally fine,” I lie.

I don’t belong here.

I’ll never be enough for Nash.

I’ll never bear his children.

As much as I don’t want to believe it, the truth is that I don’t belong here. I’m sad I don’t, but that’s my reality. I need to try to make my place in the pack, but what happens if Nash and I really do have a child sometime? What if our baby
is
a shifter? We won’t know for certain until puberty. That’s when most shifters are able to alternate forms.

How am I supposed to help a child through that? I’ve never shifted. I’ve never changed. I’ve never had to figure out how to change my body into something else and then change back. What will I do if my child gets stuck in their wolf form? What will I do if something happens to Nash and I’m a single parent? What will I do if I never fit in with the pack and my child resents that?

What if my kid doesn’t want a non-shifter for a mother?

“Woah,” Sally says, and touches my shoulder gently. “You’re sending off a pretty strong fear scent, honey. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine,” I wave her off. “I’m just nervous about the mating ceremony. It’s coming up soon, you know.”

“Yes,” Sally smiles. “We’re all so happy for you and Nash.”

“Thanks. That means a lot to me. I hope you can all make it.”

“Of course! Germaine was telling me all about your dress and how lovely it is. I can’t wait to see it.”

“Oh, I guess you haven’t heard then. Someone actually destroyed it.” The words are out of my mouth before I realize what I’m saying. I probably shouldn’t go blabbing about things like this. There’s no point in upsetting anyone.