Redeeming Kyle: 69 Bottles #3 (15 page)

“It’s part of it.”

“Kyle, look at me.” He does. “It doesn’t matter to me if they’re yours or Talon’s or both. Both you and Talon have equal rights when it comes to these little ones. I will not ever deny you or Talon paternity rights. Regardless of who is the biological father. In all honesty, I don’t want to find out. I don’t want to know who they belong to because to me it doesn’t matter. If you’re honestly in this relationship wholeheartedly, it won’t matter to you either.”
 

“I’m afraid that if I find out they’re Talon’s that I won’t be able to love them the way they deserve to be loved. I want to be the father; I think that’s why it bothers me. I want one or both of them to be mine.”
 

Tears flow down my cheeks at his confession and I press my forehead against his. “I will do a paternity test if it matters to you when the time comes. I won’t hesitate to do it. But fretting over it right now is pointless. We can’t find out for months and I don’t want that between us during this time. This is a time that we should be happy. I realize the risks involved over the next several weeks, but at this point, we shouldn’t be worrying about nine months from now. I need you as my rock; I need you to love me, to love Talon, and to love these babies. Because what you’re telling me right now is that you don’t think you can love them unless they’re yours.”
 

He doesn’t say anything for a few heartbeats and I start to go mental. Finally he moves, reaching his arm across his body and places his hand on my pouch. “I… god, baby girl, I love you so fucking much, it hurts. It’s killing me to know that I’m hurting you and I don’t mean to. I, fuck…” his hand comes away from my belly and into his hair. He starts to cry.
 

I unbuckle my seatbelt and I climb on top of him, he wraps his arms around me and cries into my neck. My heart breaks and I cry silently too.
 

“I love you so much it hurts, Addison. It hurts so much that it scares me. This scares me. It kills me to see you in pain because of what we’ve done to your body, what we’re doing to your body. I fear a miscarriage. I’m afraid that I’ll fall in love with the twins and something will happen to them before I get to meet them.”
 

His speech encourages me, gives me hope I haven’t felt since this all came crashing down. “I think you’re already in love with them. I don’t think you could fear miscarriage if you didn’t already feel for them. I think that what’s happening to my body hurts you because you love me so much you want to take it all away.” I reach into my purse for the pictures. I grab the one I showed Tori. “This, these two little blips on the screen, make every ounce of pain I feel worth it. They make everything that’s going to happen to my body worth it. You and Talon loving me, makes all of this worth it. That’s how I can throw up every morning and still be okay afterward. These two little blips that will soon be babies in my arms, make it all worth it.”
 

He holds me tighter to him. “I do love them, I love them so much I’m scared shitless. I love you so much that I feel like I’m going to suffocate you and push you away. Every person I’ve ever loved has left me. I can’t let that happen with you.”
 

I run my fingers through his hair. “Kyle Black, I love you with all of my heart and every ounce of my soul. I am not going anywhere I refuse. You and Talon are who I am; you’re who I am meant to be with. I’m pregnant for a reason, not just because we didn’t have protection. I’m pregnant because I’m supposed to be, it’s meant to be. That’s what I have to believe. I’ve been told for too long that it wouldn’t happen without a great deal of medical assistance, that I would face long struggles to get pregnant and possibly face disappointment again and again. I have to believe it’s happened for a reason.”
 

He doesn’t say anything and I know Talon is going to be back soon. I really don’t want to be a mess when he comes back.
 

Finally he lifts his head and his eyes are red with tears. “I don’t understand how Talon can be so carefree about this.”
 

I laugh silently for a second. “I don’t think he understands the gravity of what’s ahead of him. I think it will be some time before it finally sets in, but that’s what makes you two so amazingly perfect. You’re the grounded one. Talon is the carefree one. You are my rock; he brings out my wild side. You’d rather be lying in bed with me reading pregnancy books than out partying with the guys. But I know Talon would rather be home with us too sometimes, but he goes, and frankly doesn’t put up much of a fight. You’d go if I forced you to, which I’m likely to do soon. I think you need to get drunk and let it all go for a little while. Maybe it might give you some clarity.”
 

“I do let it all go, you’re my alcohol, my drug, my sobriety all rolled into one, Addison. When I’m with you, everything else goes away. When I look into your eyes I forget that you’re pregnant. I forget that it hurts, I forget my fears and worries. I get lost in you.” His eyes are a brighter blue than normal. I could stare into his eyes for hours.
 

“I know what you mean,” I breathe. I blink, breaking our contact and he chuckles.
 

“See.”
 

“And that, Kyle Black, is how I know that all of this is meant to be. I can get lost in your eyes; I find comfort in them that I’ve never had before. I find it that much easier to love you because I can see into your soul and know that you love me as much as I love you.”

“No, baby girl, I love you more.” His hand rests on my belly, “Because there is more of you to love.”
 

I start to cry again. This time happy tears. We made a breakthrough and I rest my head on his shoulder, crying into his neck and he just holds me close. Rubbing my back, loving me.

Jesus, I had no idea that’s what she was feeling with all of this. It makes everything I’m feeling seem completely stupid and unnecessary. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own emotions that I haven’t stopped to consider what she might be going through.
 

God, the fact that she thinks she should have run away. I’ve given her that impression, I know I have. “Is it because of me that you think you should have run away?” I ask her softly as I hold her in my arms.
 

She pulls back, looking at me. “No, Kyle, I don’t. I think I feel that way because in all honesty I feel responsible for this, for what we’re facing.”

“No, baby girl, we all played a role in this. It’s not your fault.”
 

She sniffles, “Yeah, it kind of is. I should have paid more attention.”
 

“Panda, you couldn’t have known this would happen. After the appointment, I feel I understand better the odds that we faced.”
 

“It was supposed to be next to impossible,” she says quietly.
 

“But impossible is what we’re good at. We’ve defied the odds already. Look at how well we work as a threesome,” I tell her.
 

“I know, but sometimes I feel like it’s superficial. After Minneapolis and Talon getting upset, it reminded me how everything we have can be shattered so quickly.”

“No, baby girl. Not at all. You didn’t see him like I did that morning. He was so shattered that you were gone, at what he’d done. He honestly hadn’t realized what we had going until it was stripped away from us when you used your safe word. My one and only goal was to talk sense into Talon and make him see, but I didn’t have to. He already knew. I knew then that nothing else mattered if I couldn’t figure out how to keep us together. Which is why I told him then that I love him. I didn’t expect his reaction,” god, I certainly did not expect that, “but I knew that he needed to see it wasn’t just about you, that it was about the three of us.” I take a deep breath.
 

“I didn’t know that.” She gives me a small smile.
 

“That was even before all this. But no matter what, I know that those hours were the longest in my life and I will do anything I can to avoid that again in the future.”
 

She snuggles into me, wrapping her arms around me, hugging me tightly. She doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t have to, just having her close to me like this is all I need. I bury my face in her hair, breathing in her beautiful vanilla scent, knowing that she’s here, she’s real.
 

She’s pregnant, and I am scared to death of what the future holds. Not just with the twins in general, but with the three of us. I know I am not ready for this and I haven’t even been able to process how to get ready for this when the twins were thrown at me by the doctor. I can’t even process this, I don’t know how, or even where to begin.

A few minutes later Talon returned to the car. He and Mills put enough food in the back to feed an army and I snuggled into Kyle on the way back to the pharmacy for my prescription.
 

Once he was inside I turned to Talon. “How’d it go?” he asks before I can say a word.
 

“Really well. He’s scared, like you and I are. But I think he realized that there is more to be scared about than just being scared of the future.”

“What do you mean, angel?”
 

“What I mean is the fact that he wouldn’t have anything to be scared about if he didn’t love me, you, or the babies. It’s one of the same reasons I’m scared. He’s afraid of the fact that he can’t take away the pain, vomiting and everything else I’m feeling. He feels like I’m burdening it all alone.” He scowls at me, confused. “I’m not alone because I have you and him. You’re both here, you’re not pushing me away or running away from me. Not yet anyway.”
 

“Angel, if anything, you being pregnant has brought us closer together.”
 

I smile. “I know that, big man, but Kyle needed to see that, to feel that and I hope I showed it to him. It’s going to take him some time to adjust and based on what Sara told me, that adjustment isn’t going to have much time. But I want him to do something for me when we get back.”
 

“What’s that, angel?”
 

I smile, “I want him to take a picture of me and my pouch. I want him to be able to see the chronological events, see the progress. He thinks that being pregnant is a burden and I need to show him that it’s not. You and he think differently, which is why you both work so well together. You’re my bad boy and he’s my thinker. You lift me up and make me wild and carefree, while he grounds me and keeps reality in check. It’s the perfect balance.”