Authors: Sarah Thorn
“So you are saying that mother died for a reason. That her death was all a part of God’s good plan?” Sarah was again angry with her father. Why did he have to say that. Couldn’t he just accept that he was a loser and wallow in the misery of his own failure?
“I am not saying that Sarah. What I am saying is that God can work out for good anything that happens, including your mother’s death. We need to trust God,” said her father. He was surprised at what he was saying.
“Trust God? Since when do you trust God? I don’t remember the last time I have ever seen you read the Bible or pray,” said Sarah. She was very angry again.
Jacob tried to think of a way to fix the situation. “Well why don’t we pray right now, together. I know that I haven’t been the best father, but why can’t we change things now?”
“We can’t change things, because mother can’t change things. She is gone.” Sarah got into bed and pulled the covers over her. She didn’t want to talk any more.
“That is a part of life, Sarah. I know you don’t want to accept it, and you want to blame me for it. But life is not as easy as you want it to be. I don’t know why, but God has a plan. We just have to trust him.” Jacob trailed off as he was now in bed and clearly exhausted from the long day. Neither of them were used to the long Amish work days yet.
Trust God? How could I trust a God that let my mother die?
Sarah pondered these questions as she lay in bed. She wondered why Ezekiel seemed so happy all of the time. She wondered why his whole family was happy. It must be a facade. Soon she would see their true nature. But part of her suspected that they may actually truly be happy. And that thought scared her more than anything.
*****
The next day Sarah awoke to much the same routine. Her father was already gone and breakfast was already ready. It tasted amazing as was expected. But after breakfast they did something different. The whole family, everyone including herz, gathered into the corner of the main living room and sang hymns. Sarah had not sung since she was a little girl and tried just to blend in by mouthing the words. Isaiah and Ezekiel took turns leading in front, but for the most part everyone just sang as a group, without instruments. It was uplifting and as much as Sarah hated to admit, she felt ready to take on the chores of the day.
What is it about this place?
“That was wonderful and such a delight to my soul,” said Isaiah. “The plan today is similar to yesterday. The berries should be finished up in just a few more hours, and Ezekiel and Sarah can work on that together again. I can’t thank you guys enough for the work you did yesterday. Jacob and I will continue to work on the barn. Now let’s get going and serve the Lord with joyful hearts today.”
As they departed, Sarah admitted to herself that she was buying into the way of life here a little bit. But she was still nagged by the seeming paradox of God. How is it that He could seem so wonderful and caring when they sang songs and talked to Him in prayer, but then the next minute he is allowing her mother to die, or for suffering in general. Sarah knew that she was still a long way off from having any kind of healing faith in God. If she was powerful enough to stop her mother from dying, she knew should would have. So why didn’t God? She remembered that her father had talked at length about God with Isaiah and came away with a different perspective. She wondered if Ezekiel had any enlightening thoughts.
“Ezekiel, can I ask you a few questions,” she said as they were talking to the berry field.
“Of course,” he responded. She knew that he would be delighted to help her in any way that he could.
“How do you still have faith in God when you see the horrible things that happen in this world. I mean he allowed my mother to die. And I’m sure that you know plenty of people that have died. It just seems like things happen at random. Or even that God is evil and enjoys tormenting people. I just don’t see his lovingkindness like we sing and talk about. I look around and I see pain.” Sarah realized that she confessed secrets about how she felt to Ezekiel that she had not shared with anyone else. How was it that he had gained enough of her confidence in one day to warrant this?
“You ask difficult questions,” said Ezekiel. He stopped walking and thought deeply. “But I cannot give you all of the answers that you seek, but I can help you find the way. Tell me Sarah, do you know the Gospel?”
Sarah nodded. She had heard it preached when she was younger, but she was a bit hazy on the details.
“Well think of it this way. God, being aware of our sufferings here on earth sent his own Son to suffer with us and die with the worst of criminals. That is what the gospels say. So you see, whatever reason God has for allowing suffering in this world, it can’t be that He simply doesn’t care. You can believe what you want about our God, but you can’t say he is indifferent to us.”
As much as Sarah wanted to think that what Ezekiel just said was garbage and sentimental nonsense, she couldn’t deny that it resonated with her.
God is not just sitting on his throne in the heavens and watching gleefully as we suffer. He has partaken in the suffering.
The stories from when she was a kid came flooding back to her The manger, the wise men, the angels, and many more. She remembered her mother telling her those beautiful stories when she was barely able to comprehend them. But somehow they stuck deep in her mind.
“Does that make sense Sarah…”
“Oh...yes…actually it does.” She was caught off guard as she had been lost in deep thought. “Actually it makes perfect sense, and in a way makes sense of everything. But it is still hard. You are saying that you just rely on faith. Because you never gave me an answer, you just said there must be a good reason.”
“Yes, Sarah, faith. And that is hard to explain. But tomorrow I am going to try and show you.” He said. “It will be fun, trust me.”
“Trust you, what is it?”
“Ah, but you must have faith in me,” replied Ezekiel with a wink and a laugh.
Sarah laughed too. There was a certain undefinable charm about him. She watched as he worked but this time she knew what to expect. She knew that he would hum glorious and uplifting tunes to himself and seem to smile and laugh the entire time he worked. It was if he was in constant communication with God and he was continually being filled with enthusiasm for life. Sarah tried to think joyful thoughts. But as much as she was beginning to learn about how Ezekiel saw the world, her thoughts of God and joy were drowned out by the pain of her loss. She continued working to take her mind off it.
After they finished work for the day, they went back as they had the day before. They enjoyed another great meal together. This time it was goose. It was delicious. Sarah was so exhausted after two straight days of working hard doing chores that she could barely bring herself to talk at the dinner table of after. She went to her bedroom as quickly as she could.
“I am sure that you learned some more life lessons from Isaiah today,” said Sarah to her father.
“Sarah, I have learned a lot in just the two days that I have been here. I honestly feel different about how I see life. It is hard to explain, but it is real. Sarah I want us to reconcile. I need to hear that you forgive me. It will ease my suffering and my guilt. Could you please offer that to me?”
Sarah felt a desire in her to forgive him for all he had done to her in the past. For some reason it nagged at her and she wanted to hug her father and reconcile with him. It wasn’t right for a daughter to hate her father so much. Maybe the hatred was cooling off. Maybe now she simply didn’t like him. But she still could not bring herself to forgive him.
“I want to believe you, dad. I really do. But you have let me down far too many times. You forgive a person for spilling their drink on you, but not for this. I am sorry I cannot give you what you seek.” Sarah got into bed. She felt the weight of her sorrow and sadness consume her. It was as if she could not escape it, it stifled her.
She remembered what Ezekiel had said about faith, and wanting to show her. But she still didn’t know what he meant, and she was too tired to be able to care very much. She drifted off to sleep imagining her mother and what if felt like to be loved by her.
*****
“Sarah, get up, get up.”
“What, what is going on? Ezekiel, What are you doing here?”
Ezekiel whispered, “remember I had something to show you? Well now is the time. We must be quick though.”
Sarah got out of bed as fast as she could without being loud. She saw that her father was still there sleeping and didn’t want to wake him. “What time is it?”
“It is early, but not that early. We don’t have a lot of time,” he said. He grabbed her hand and led her out of the room and out the front door. It was very cold. “Here, put this on.” Ezekiel put his coat around Sarah. It fit surprisingly well. And smelled good.
“Where are we going,” demanded Sarah as she didn’t want to be out in the cold if she had no clue what was going on.
“You have to have faith in me, Sarah,” explained Ezekiel. “Now follow me.” Ezekiel began to run. he was faster than Sarah expected him to be. For where did an Amish boy learn to run fast. Ezekiel never ran track in high school or played football. But he could run. And Sarah struggled to keep up. They entered into the woods and the starlight and moonlight no longer illuminated their path. “hold my hand, Sarah.” Isaiah lead her through the trees. He moved deftly and without hesitation. He had done this many times before.
“Are you going to tell me where we are going yet,” asked Sarah. “I think I have trusted you quite a bit already and you owe me something.”
Ezekiel stopped. “Listen,” he said. “Do you hear that?”
“Hear what,” asked Sarah.
“The crickets, the frogs, the trees rustling in the wind. Close your eyes, Sarah. It is a chorus. The soundtrack of the night. This is a gift that God has given us. You said earlier that we do not have music. But yes we do. And I would say that this music given to us directly by the Lord above is better than anything that you have in heard in your earbuds.” Ezekiel seemed to be transfixed by the sounds.
“Yes, I can hear it.” Sarah closed her eyes. “Yes, that really is wonderful.” Sarah was not being sarcastic but genuinely loved the sounds. She felt a sense of peace come over, one that she had not felt for a long time. She smiled, hoping that it was too dark for Ezekiel to see.
“Sarah, I hope you are not beginning to get your first taste of joy,” said Ezekiel jokingly. “Come, we must continue ahead. We cannot stay here.
“I thought this is what you…” Ezekiel grabbed her hand and dragged Sarah along. He started to run faster than before and with all of the trees Sarah could not keep up unless she held tight to Ezekiel and trusted that he knew the way. He kept a steady speed for a while and Sarah felt like there was no way that she could continue. Then he slowed down and then stopped.
“Are we there yet,” asked Sarah as she tried to catch her breath.
“We have reached the creek. We must cross here to get to our destination. But we must be quick, for we don’t have much time.”
Time for what?
Sarah couldn’t imagine what they could possibly be late for. Was he anxious to show her a midnight barn raising?
“The only way to cross is on those stones in the creek. You can’t see them very easily, but I know exactly where they are and will be able to guide you,” explained Ezekiel. I will go over first, and then you will come after.
Ezekiel looked for the familiar spot that he crossed. He found it immediately and then readied himself to jump. It was not a long leap, but it was a bit more than a stop. He landed securely with perfect balance.
“See there is nothing to it,” he said with a hint of glee in his voice. He readied himself for the next jump and again landed securely without losing his balance at all. Sarah was impressed. “There is only one more stone that I have to land on. It is close to the other side, and from there I can just step to dry land. The last jump is the hardest though.”
Ezekiel made sure that he was secure, and then got ready to jump. He pushed off harder this time, and landed on the third stone. But this time he wobbled a little bit before regaining his balance.
“See that last one is tough. I almost fell in.” Ezekiel stepped to the other side of the creek. “Now it is your turn.”
“I don’t know if I can do this,” said Sarah. “I will fall into the water, and it is freezing cold. There is no way I can do this.”
“Yes you can,” said Ezekiel, trying to assure her. “Just have faith. Remember you have to experience it. Now is your chance. Trust me.”
Have faith. But what does this have to do with God?
Sarah determined that she would try to make it across. Ezekiel had been true so far. She would trust him. The first stone was barely visible in the darkness, and Sarah felt that she would barely be able to make it. She crouched down to make the jump. She sprang into the air and then to her relief felt the solid stone beneath her feet. She had successfully made the first jump.
“Great job, Sarah. This next one is easier,” said Ezekiel, cheering her on.