Regrets of The Fallen (Victis Honor Book 1) (13 page)

“Felt
guilt?” Haruka asked quietly. “Hate?”

Isabella nodded. “Along with other emotions. I left and killed King Faust and just kept walking. This sword was still in my hand; I killed him with it.” She looked down at it. “I kept it as a symbol… That girl didn’t kill me with this sword, but she killed a part of me; a part that needed to die. And I want to remind myself every day what I was, what I was capable of forcing a young child to do.”

Haruka shook her head. “Unhealthy; unfair.”

“I don’t deserve to forget, Haruka,” Isabella said as she stood from the table, walking towards the bed. “I don’t want to, either. I need to remember… I owe them that much.” She knelt on the bed, smiling softly. “I know you like me, Ruki, but you’ve only met me as I am now. If you’d met me then you would have hated me; I was a different person. As much as I appreciate your friendship… As much as I love that you like me… You have to understand that I did terrible things. I was not a good person, Haruka. Even if I am now, I don’t deserve to forget that.”

Haruka sat up, looking at her sadly as she brushed the back of her fingers against Bella’s cheek. “I understand. Don’t like it, but… understand. I forgive you… for all of it. Hope that, one day… you’ll forgive yourself.”

Isabella caught her hand, holding it against her cheek as she closed her eyes. She didn’t believe that she deserved Haruka’s words, but she wasn’t going to ignore them, either. She ran her thumb over Haruka’s fingers, opening her eyes to look at her. “I don’t deserve you, either. I don’t know why I suddenly became lucky and met you. Maybe God forgave me even if I didn’t.”

Haruka lay back down and pulled her into a reassuring hug. “Stop being so sad,” she said softly. “That’s over. You were cruel… Then changed, felt terrible… before me. Now’s time to be happy.”

Isabella curled her fingers in Haruka’s clothing, her head laying on
Ruki's chest as she blinked moisture from her eyes. “There’s no problem there… Despite my best efforts, I keep feeling happy around you.”

“You can resist,” Haruka stated with a sigh, “but I’ll win.”

Bella couldn’t bring herself to pull away, and to her great joy the monk didn’t let go anyway. She remained quiet, letting her depression and self-loathing run through her. It took less time to pass than usual with the comforting arms around her, and after a few moments all she felt was content. She was even starting to believe she
did
deserve it; maybe this was her reward for accepting what she’d done and trying so hard to redeem herself. It was getting harder to hate herself with the way Haruka made her feel. Even guilt was beginning to feel more distant.

Haruka slowly, gently moved her hand up and down Isabella’s back, calming and comforting her. She could feel the change in the woman in her breathing and her heartbeat. Isabella put on a great front of a carefree, happy young woman, she did; and Haruka believed that a lot of that was real, as well. But the levels of self-hatred, guilt and disgust below that surface seemed endless. It was a twisted mass of dark emotions, deep and complicated, built up over years of self-inflicted punishment. Still, that net was unraveling now. Haruka could see it; the beginnings of Isabella forgiving herself.

It would probably be awhile before it really happened, but she planned to work for it. She truly believed Isabella deserved it. She felt like she had more purpose in her life now than she’d ever had. She was even starting to hate the last twenty years, wishing she’d instead met Bella back then. They’d met now, though; that would have to be enough. With luck they’d make it out of this mess they were in and be free to make up for that lost potential time. Haruka began thinking of ways to make that happen more quickly; dealing with the people after them was just wasted time that could be spent in other, better ways. She looked down, noticing that Bella was content now, even smiling. It astonished her that she had that effect on a woman so broken.

Haruka lifted a hand to thread her fingers through the dark blue hair, watching with amazement as Bella’s eyes closed and her smile grew. Such a simple action by her had a strong effect on Isabella; she’d have to remember that, be careful with her actions. She continued to watch her face, deciding to lighten things up further. “We need names,” she said suddenly.

Isabella opened one eye to look at her. “Names? We
have
names. You have, like, seven names.”

Haruka rolled her eyes. “
Fake
names. Can’t lead pursuers.”

“Oh, right. Good point.” Isabella let out a happy sigh as her eye closed again. “Well, let me know once you come up with them.”

“Wh…
My
job?”

She grinned. “You’re the one who brought it up. You’re our idea man.”

Haruka huffed. “Not a man.”

“Fine, our sexy idea woman.”

Haruka felt the blush rise and watched – unsurprised – as Isabella opened her eyes to see it, grinned, and closed her eyes again. Haruka smirked, glad, at least, that she enjoyed it. “What theme?”

“Theme? We need a theme?”

“Good teams have themes.”

“Like types of flowers, or colors, or weapons?”

“Exactly.”

“Okay, so… Well,
Blue and Brown sounds boring.”

“Hair? Really? Best idea?”

“Shush. I
said
it was boring. You could be… Mystery?”

“Great,” Haruka said, “I’m a stripper.”

“Fine then, Miss Judgmental. Although… I mean, if you wanted to strip, I wouldn’t mind…” Haruka gave an embarrassed cough as she avoided her eyes, and Isabella laughed, smiling at her fondly. “You have the
best
reactions. It makes me want to say things to embarrass you all the time.”

“Great,” Haruka repeated, muttering.

“Oh, I still mean all of them. Wait, does the Black Sun even know my name?”

Haruka smirked. “Introduced yourself.”

“Damn. That was stupid.”

“It was.”

“No one asked your opinion.”

“Just agreeing.”

“Why can’t you agree on the
good
things about me? Like being smart, strong-“

“Beautiful… Cute… Endearing… Fun… Deep… Seductive… Skilled… Unique… Important?”

Now,
Isabella
was embarrassed, hiding her face in Haruka’s chest. “That’s a little more than I was going to say,” she said in a small voice, receiving a chuckle from Haruka.

“Forgot humble. Thanks,” she said with a grin. She ran a hand through the dark blue hair affectionately. “What’s your mother’s name?”

Isabella lifted her head, confused at the random topic change. “Sofiel, why?”

“Could be your name.”

Bella smiled. “My mother’s name helping to protect me…? I think she’d like that.”

Haruka nodded. “Fitting.”

“So now we just need your name.” Isabella lifted her head, looking into Haruka’s eyes. “What about your mother…? I don’t know anything about your parents or your relationship with them,” she said, a little disappointed in herself. “I keep talking about myself, but I… I don’t know much about your past at all, if anything.”

Haruka sighed. “Hard to tell,” she said, “in four word clips.”

“I guess so…”

“Working on it.”

“Huh? How can you work on it?”

“You’ll see.”

“Alright…” Isabella sighed, laying her head back down. “Would you want to use your mother’s name…?”

“Not really…” Isabella nodded, wishing she could ask about it, and Haruka looked down at her. “They know anyway.”

“Oh, that’s right… I forget they know you really well…” she said in a soft voice tinged with sadness as it trailed off.

‘Better than I do’ was the unspoken sentiment and Haruka let out a deep sigh, irritated that she’d made Isabella depressed again. “You’ll learn,” she said. “Everything.”

“I trust you. I just… wish I knew now. Anyway… Oh!” Isabella lifted her head, smiling. “You can be Fate.”

Haruka blinked. “Fate?”

“You look like you’d have a mysterious name, so it fits. And I’m pretty sure your presence here is a product of fate. Something this incredible can’t be random chance.”

Haruka smiled. “Like it.”

“I thought you might.” Isabella laid her head back on Haruka’s chest, smiling. “Let me know if you ever feel like using your stripper name, though.”

Haruka laughed, shaking her head. “Nope. Stick with cool one.”

“I thought so. That’s you, Ruki – cool. You make things blow up with your hands; it’s hard to get cooler than that.”

“Are you a fan?”

Isabella grinned. “I’m your
biggest
fan. That probably won’t ever change.”

Haruka smiled, returning her fingers to playing in Isabella’s hair and receiving a sigh of contentment for her troubles. She’d succeeded in making her happy again, a task that, fortunately, seemed to be getting even easier with time, and they’d only known each other a few days. They fell into an easy, comfortable silence. Haruka managed to reach the small lantern on the bedside table and put it out, getting a small noise of gratitude from Bella. Despite the dingy room and unwelcoming location, sleep came without trouble for both, and, most tellingly, neither minded the lack of space in the least.

IXH

In the morning, as the sun peeked up over the horizon, Isabella and Haruka stood on the dock, examining the ship they’d be passengers on. It looked in good enough shape, if a bit worn and unclean. Haruka grimaced. “Get disease,” she said distastefully, “just walking on
it.”

Isabella laughed. “It’s not
that
bad. Besides, wood doesn’t carry a lot of diseases.”

“Don’t know that.”

“You’re right, I made that up; I really have no idea.” Isabella whirled on her, holding up a finger. “But, you have to remember, we have no other option. It’s this, swim, or walk, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I walk pretty slowly, so just imagine how fast and for how long I can swim while wearing full armor.”

Haruka sighed. “Better to drown,” she said dejectedly.

“Oh, don’t be so morose.” Isabella put her hands on her hips. “Where did you grow up, a palace?”

“Monastery.” Haruka looked at her pointedly. “
Clean
monastery.”

“Well then you need to experience more dirt. It’ll build character.”

Haruka lifted her eyes just enough to see a nearby hill, pointing. “Dirt there.” She moved her hand a bit, pointing at the coast south of them. “And there. Walk on dirt.”

Isabella grabbed her pointing hand, pulling her towards the gangplank. “I don’t need your sarcasm. Let’s get on already!”

“Not scared?” Haruka looked at her curiously. “Never sailed…?” she questioned.

“You’re right, I’ve never sailed, but I’m not afraid to.” Isabella smiled back at her. “It’s something new to try! I want to experience all I can, Ruki. So come on, experience it with me?”

Haruka sighed, giving her a smile. “You win.”

“Finally!” Bella thrust her fist upwards. “A win for me!”

Haruka chuckled as Isabella grinned. They were interrupted by Captain Tyne appearing on the deck before them with a grin of his own. “Glad t’see you ladies are in a good mood. Ready t’ start th’ journey?”

“Without a doubt,” Bella stated with a firm nod.

“Perfect. So what’re the names o’ my delightful guests?”

The two women looked at each other and Isabella smiled. “Sofiel,” she answered without looking away from her companion.

“Fate,” Haruka stated in the same manner.

“Interesting names, though not the oddest I’ve heard. Well, welcome aboard!”

Haruka looked around as they stepped on board. “Ship’s name?”

“
The Lusty Maiden
!” Tyne said with a proud grin.

Both women blinked. Isabella looked at her friend and gave a nervous laugh with her eyes closed and a hand rubbing the back of her head as Haruka narrowed her eyes and stated, “Charming.”

“Ain’t she though? I’ll show you lasses yer cabin, then yer free ta walk around. Jus’ don’t get in our way!”

The cabin was nice enough,
more so than expected anyway. After the captain left them, Isabella was too excited to remain in the room and had soon led Haruka back out onto the deck as the sailors readied the ship to leave. Really, Haruka had been on plenty of ships, so she didn’t really care to watch the things going on. She had no intentions of leaving Isabella alone for a moment while on this ship, though. She trusted the crew even less than the knight did. Still, however she felt, she had to admit they were good at their jobs; within minutes the ship was sailing out of the port and heading south. Isabella grew even more excited as it headed out to the open sea.

The calm only lasted a few hours. This part of the coast was well known for storms as they’d experienced on the land, but Isabella hadn’t been prepared for the difference between facing a storm on dry, solid land and facing one on the deck of a ship that tossed about with every wave. Haruka was amazed that the woman wasn’t getting sick as the ship rocked side to side with every heavy wave. Isabella herself seemed determined to avoid it and stood outside on the deck in the rain, one hand on the rail as she watched the fury of the ocean rise as the day moved towards its end. “This is pretty amazing,” she said only just loud enough to be heard.