Authors: Irvine Welsh
Gezra, the Appropriate Behaviour Compliance Elder, found it hard to fathom today's youngsters. He had, perhaps, been around too long, he considered again, but what satisfaction they got from going to backward places like Earth in their beat-up spacecrafts and kidnapping hapless aliens and sticking anal probes into them was beyond his understanding. It was just one of these things that youths did, he supposed. Once it got into the culture and the telepathic media got a hold of it, it spread like a bush fire. These kids were harmless really, but the animals on Earth had rights too, something it was difficult for youngsters nowadays to grasp.
His people had learned all about Earth culture from a native of the planet called Mikey Devlin, whom they had kidnapped for cultural study five years ago. He opted to stay with them rather than undergo memory wipe, provided they could supply him with young Earthwomen, the dangerous and highly addictive substance called snout and the odd takeaway. Several top Hollywood actresses and international models,
Sun
Page Three girls and females who frequented Buster Brown's nightclub in Edinburgh had claimed that aliens had come for them in the night, but nobody made the connection or took the complaints seriously. They all said that one of the creatures looked human. Well, that was Devlin, thought the Appropriate Behaviour Compliance Elder: a fanny merchant of the first order.
Mikey had been okay when he stuck to the official tours. He was sound, a plausible cunt, and they liked having him around. But, Gezra reflected, the Earthman had fallen in with a crowd of rebellious youngsters and they took him on illicit trips back home. They weren't bad really, but they were silly. Once they entered the procreative years, this behaviour would cease. But, for now, the Earthman was with them. Gezra was concerned that Mikey might try to tempt them to make contact with his old friends on Earth; this was strictly forbidden without a memory wipe. But then there would be the imperative that Tazak and Mikey would need to replenish their supplies of the drug snout! Gezra would go now, and to avoid being detected, he would travel by technology rather than by the Will. With thin, trembling fingers, he set his controls.
Jimmy and Semo were unable to score anything from Alec other than some temazapam capsules and a little bit of hash. They were pretty disappointed as they drove back out from the city.
And all the people who had converged on the fields near the old mine works, spreading out from as far as the eye could see, were listening to the music, the sweet music, which filled the air. As the sky darkened, the exhilarated rushes were intensified by the awesome sight of the spacecraft coming down to Earth. It was like a giant white seashell, as if it was composed of other, smaller shells, and it hovered silently some seventy feet above the site.
Some who weren't religious crossed themselves; others who were quickly renounced everything they'd been taught.
The ship, in its magnificent splendour, did not move. It just stayed put. This was it, this was the moment all the travellers had been waiting for.
Jimmy and Semo first noticed delays at the Newcraighall roundabout. Then the police were turning everyone back. — But we live ower thaire, Semo pleaded, suddenly realising that they were in a stolen car. But the cop had other things on his mind. He pointed to the huge disc that hung in the sky over the other side of the bypass.
Semo turned to Jimmy. — Thaire's a fuckin flying saucer oan toap ay ma hoose!
At the hastily convened conference in Washington, the world's leaders were finding it difficult to understand the alien spokespersons. They had enlisted some of the CCS top boys, who had the confidence of the aliens, to help with the translation.
— We could fuckin run youse like that. Tazak snapped his fingers. — Aw yir fuckin weapons, thir fuckin nowt against us, eh.
The world leaders looked far more concerned than the impassive, square-jawed security men from the federal forces, who surrounded them.
— Fuckin shitein cunts, another alien sneered, picking up on the psychic vibe of fear.
— I don't see that this – the British Prime Minister started.
— You shut yir fuckin mooth, ya specky cunt! Tazak snapped. — Nae cunt's fuckin talkin tae you! Right! Fuckin wide-o!
The PM looked nervously at his feet. The Special Air Services officer who flanked him tensed up.
— What ah wis fuckin sayin before this cunt started wis – Tazak looked at the PM who was silent, — we could fuckin annihilate youse in a swedge. Nae fuckin problem. We've goat the fuckin technology, eh. And the fuckin willpower. So the wey we see it is, youse cunts dae as yis ur fuckin well telt and that's it. Endy fuckin story.
Ally from the CCS stood up. For all that they spoke the same language, the aliens' arrogance still jarred. If only he could get that cunt with his force field down. — No in a square go yis couldnae.
— Eh? What's this cunt sayin? one alien asked Tazak.
The American President put his hand on Ally's shoulders to force him to sit down. — Sit on your goddamn ass, will you, they got us over a barrel!
Ally's head crashed into the leader of the Western World's nose. The President fell back into his chair, dazed, pulling a handkerchief from his inside pocket to stem blood and tears. Two security men from the FBI moved swiftly forward as Masters sneered, bracing himself for a straightener, but the alien raised his hand and the President ushered his guards to stop.
— Nae cunt fuckin pills me up, Ally said.
— Boy's right enough, Tazak considered. — Ah'm hearin a loat ay talk fae youse cunts aboot this n that, but these boys are the only ones that huv stuck up fir thumselves. He looked at Ally.— Yir no tryin tae tell me thit youse cunts ur feart ay they cunts, his large almond eyes sweeping over the world's leaders.
— That'll be fuckin right, Ally said, looking challengingly at the late-middle-aged posse of suits who led the world.
— Bit these cunts are the top boys, they tell every cunt what tae dae but, Tazak said.
The Chancellor of Germany cut in. — But ziss in a democracy. Ze process of choosing leaders is not based on physical fighting abilities but on ze vill of all ze people.
— Is it fuck, Ally said, quickly putting the cunt right. — If that's right, he said, pointing at the British Prime Minister,— how is it that nae cunt in Scotland voted for these bastards and we git thaim rulin us? Answer ays that! If ye fuckin well kin!
— Right enough, said Bri. Then he turned to the German Chancellor. — You keep yir fuckin nose oot ay things ye ken nowt aboot, right?
There followed a series of loud arguments. At one stage, it looked as if it was going to go off between the top boys of the Capital City Service and the security forces of the FBI.
— Fuckin shut it! Tazak, the alien leader, shouted, pointing at the world's leaders. — Listen, ah cannae handle they radge cunts nippin ma heid. — Fae now oan, he nodded over to the casuals, — youse cunts are in charge here. The alien leader threw a transmitter over to Ally. The startled football thug jumped back, letting the device drop on the floor.— It's only a fuckin mobby, ya radge! Pick it up!
Ally tentatively picked up the transmitter.
— Wi that yis kin bell us at any time, day or night. See, if these cunts – he swept his hand contemptuously around at the world's leaders, — if they fuckin well gie yis any grief, just bell us and we'll sort the cunts right oot. Fuckin surein wi will. Sort the cunts oot fir good, eh?
— Sound, Ally smiled. — Listen though . . . youse cunts say thit yis kin destroy anything on Earth fae space wi yir weapons?
— Aye . . . yis ur welcome tae come aboard n huv a shot, eh.
From the alien ship, Mikey Devlin looked down on the thousands of ravers making their excited pilgrimage below. He willed the monitor to pan out, across the green and brown hills of the Pentlands, and over the cityscape.
Something had twinged in a corner of Mikey's psyche. He retraced, focusing on the bypass, almost directly underneath them. He could see the garage. Closing in, Mikey was elated to spy his brother, Alan, operating the car wash.
Alan wanted to get rid of the driver, a PC Drysdale, as soon as possible. He had a young woman called Abigail Ford in a state of semi-undress in the back shop. Drysdale seemed away with it though. Probably this space thing had freaked him. Loads of them were like that. He had to concede that it was pretty mind-blowing. Then, at the corner of his eye, Alan saw something move in the front shop. He was concerned that Abby was getting ready to go. It wasn't her though, it was those wee wide cunts Jimmy Mulgrew and Semo!
— These cunts are fuckin well robbin us blind, ya useless tube! he shouted at Drysdale, who wouldn't react. Alan ran towards the shop, and Semo got out just in time, but he cornered Jimmy Mulgrew. The younger man tried to swing at him, but he was overpowered by the senior thug, who dragged him outside and proceded to boot him all over the forecourt. Semo jumped on Alan's back, but he was thrown off, and had to frantically scramble to his feet and swiftly retreat in order to escape a similar fate to his now semi-conscious friend.
Alan raked the battered young man's pockets and found only some change and a handful of jellies, which he confiscated. Drysdale drove out without making an arrest.
From his vessel, Mikey watched approvingly as his brother fucked the young girl in the back shop, as Jimmy Mulgrew stood up and staggered along the street. He waited until his brother had finished and the girl had departed, before freezing local time and carrying him onto the craft.
Alan was delighted to see his brother again. — Mikey! Ah dinnae believe it! You're behind aw this shite! Ah knew it! Ah'm no jokin, man, somethin telt ays tae come tae this fuckin place! That was how ah couldnae leave here! It wis you, man! He studied his older brother. — Fuck sake, man, ye look younger thin me!
— Clean livin, Mikey smiled, — no like you, ya cunt! It was useless to try to explain the concept of controlling cellular elasticity and form through the use of the Will.
— No goat any blaw, huv ye? Mikey asked.
— Naw, ah took some jellies oaf this wee cunt.
— What are they? Mikey asked. As Alan explained, Mikey's eyes grew wider. He took some of the capsules from Alan.— Jist ma fuckin ticket these, eh.
The day after the conference in Washington had effectively installed the Casual Administration as the new unitary Earth Government, there followed a series of disasters unprecedented in British sporting history. The board of directors of Heart of Midlothian FC were devastated to find that the stadium, which boasted three brand-new stands, had been completely vaporised by a beam from outer space. In Glasgow, Ibrox, so long Scotland's showcase arena, suffered a similar fate. The next horror was the destruction of Wembley Stadium and its famous twin towers. Then, sequentially, all the football grounds in the country, with the exception of Easter Road in Edinburgh, were obliterated. Ally and his mates made their centre for Earth Government at the stadium, using the funds of various Earth nation states to completely refurbish the stadium and embark on a massively expensive team-building programme.
In several Leith pubs a few terracing diehards whinged on about 'these fuckin casual cunts' in charge of the club, but the new regime was generally welcomed. The outgoing board had been even less happy than the international heads of state in standing down in favour of the top boys, but had little option in the face of the power the hoolies now wielded.
— Cool gig this, eh? Tazak said, as Mikey watched on the monitor. They still had made no contact with the dancing crowds below the craft. However, the time was nearly right.
— Aye, and it hus tae be said that they've done a better joab wi the club than the cunts they hud in charge. It's aw doon tae resources though, the eighties top boy sagely conceded.
Tazak looked at his friend. — Wi ready tae hit it?
Cheers went up as a thrashing telepathic bass line rocked the planet and the crowd jumped and swayed as a series of blinding lasers shot out from the craft. An Earth voice, a Scottish voice, asked: 'Are we havin a fuckin good one?' and the crowd screamed in unison: 'Yes!' They certainly were, the only dissenting voices coming from the Fubar crew who were signalling for more. — Lenny D! some cunt shouted.
An opening appeared in the craft and a small balcony extended from it. An Earthman walked out onto it. A huge cheer filled the air as his image was beamed for miles around. — We've goat the best fuckin sound system in the universe here! Mikey roared.
Shelley looked up from the crowd. This man was even more fantastic than Liam from Oasis . . . he was the man of her dreams.
At that point the man said: — And now gies a top Planet Earth welcome tae this big, skinny, spammy cunt whae's made it aw possible! Fae acroas the cosmos, Planet Cyrastor, massive respect for our fuckin main man, Tazaaaak!
Tazak joined Mikey on the balcony. He felt humbled by the reception the Earth crowd gave him. No way was the big alien cunt about to lose the floor with the stakes so high, and punters jumping about for as far as his large brown eyes could see. Vibing like fuck, he unleashed a psychic virus of beautiful and powerful sound unequalled anywhere in the universe.
The Earth crowd had known nothing like it. Even those who had been privileged to attend some of the biggest and most happening events since 1988's summer of love had to concede that this one was a bit special. Even club snobs agreed that the almost non-existent toilet and catering facilities failed to put a downer on the awesome nature of this event.
When he was exhausted, Tazak brought it down, and staggered from the balcony, back into the craft, to a tumultuous reception. — Cheers . . . that's me fucked . . . he telepathically flashed to the hordes below.
Inside the craft, Mikey was devastated. This was to be his big moment, but there was no way he could match that. The Earthman went out and did his best, using the full range of the psychic powers he'd developed, even extending himself past his breaking point, but very quickly into his set some groups were already chanting for the return of the big alien. He cut his performance short and returned to the interior of the craft, totally humiliated.
— Good one, Mikey conceded to his show-stealing friend, as he entered the amphitheatre which was the craft's central Will propulsion temple.
— It wis the fuckin best! Ah fuckin blew these Earth cunts away! Tell ays that wisnae something else! Tazak roared triumphantly.
— Aye, right, Mikey moped.
Tazak turned to his friend. — Listen, mate, you goat any snout oan ye? Ah'm gantin oan a fag, eh.
— Naw, Mikey said, reaching in his pocket and producing one of the jellies his brother had taken from Jimmy. — Take one ay these.
— What are they? Tazak asked, examining the egg-shaped capsules.
— Thir jist pills. They take away the snout cravin until wi kin go doon and git sorted, eh, Mikey shrugged. His face twisted into a smile, when, from the corner of his eye, he saw the alien neck the capsule.