I’m sitting with Leona, Saffron and Su. Adam and Joe
are playing against two guys who were on another table. Dane and Gerard are
watching them from the side. I’ve been indulging in typical girlie
conversation.
“Your brother has been
tamed,” Su says to Saffron, seeming impressed.
“I know,” Saffron says,
sounding pleased.
I glance at Leona, who
smiles a small smile that looks rather smug and even victorious, an “I told you
so.” She’s said something similar to me herself. Personally, I think it’s
definitely too soon to make or believe such a statement. Dane and I have only
been together a month, that’s nothing.
Oh yeah, I do believe I have
a forfeit to fulfil, and with great pleasure. Lee and I played a good game, but
we lost. I glance at Dane and find him watching me. We hold eye contact for a
moment. I reach into my handbag. Aware that he’s still looking at me, I casually
lean back on my chair and slowly reapply my red lipstick.
My mobile, on the table,
lights up and vibrates. I grab it.
[Get that mouth out to the
hallway. Now!]
Discretely, I look to where he
was
standing. A
quick scan around the pool table, he’s gone. “I’m sorry, I just need to make a
call,” I tell the girls, and leave the seating area.
****
I’ve just arrived in Hillsborough with Dane, Saffron
and Nathaniel. I’m meeting Elizabeth, who returned from Italy yesterday.
Saffron’s excited about the whole arrangement; it’s obvious she’s wanted her
brother to have a girlfriend for some time.
Their relationship
fascinates me and I always find myself observing them and their interaction
whenever I’m with them both. Dane is evidently the older brother and the more
serious of the two of them. For someone so laid-back and patient, Dane is an
incredibly focused person. Saffron’s bossy and mother-like with him and often
takes control. Dane is in fact the more dominant one, but he allows Saffron to
take charge, and he’ll do everything to avoid her being upset. They love each
other immensely and nurture each other to the fullest. It’s obvious they grew
up protecting one another.
Hillsborough is lovely. It’s
an affluent area, something I’ve learnt through Kayla, and passing these
amazing houses makes that more evident. This feels like a world away from the
city. When he was alive, Elizabeth’s husband, Ray, was an inventor who had
success with a small but beneficial part for motorcycles and he sold the patent
to a major manufacturer. I didn’t realize until now just how wealthy Dane’s
upbringing was.
Without being here and
knowing them, you’d never imagine Dane and Saffron, and their friends, come
from money. The only potential giveaway is their homes and love of bikes. The
guys, except for Gerard whose passion is for cars, all have more than one
motorcycle, but with Dane’s business it’s not entirely unattainable – not such
a blatant giveaway. The house Saffron lives in is ridiculous in every good
sense of the word and based in an expensive part of San Francisco. Dane’s
choice of living location is a great one, but more about being close to work.
His apartment is fantastic. All of them indulge selectively; none of them are
pointlessly frivolous or throw their money in people’s faces. As a whole,
they’re possibly the most down to earth, easy going people I’ve ever met. They
all work hard in their own right too.
We pull up in Elizabeth’s
drive. Her house is a beautiful two-story building, encased by a generous front
and back garden. Trees and flowerbeds take up most of the outside space, making
it feel enchanted.
The moment we climb out of
the car the front door opens. A woman with fair skin, silver-gray hair neatly
pulled into a bun and dressed in dark blue jeans and a lilac turtleneck steps
out and walks along the path towards us. Nathaniel runs to her. She opens her
arms for him with obvious joy about her face and lifts him up into a tight
embrace. Saffron wraps her arms around the two of them, forming an affectionate
group hug.
Dane is holding my hand and
he draws me in front of him as we approach. Now I’m getting nervous. I’m not
sure why, because Elizabeth’s already welcoming me with her soft gray gaze and
a curve to her lips. She lowers Nathaniel to the ground and Saffron takes him
into the house.
“Elizabeth, meet Brooklyn,”
Dane says.
She hugs me. “Brooklyn, it’s
so lovely to meet you.” Her hold is inviting, the feel of her slight, though
she’s far from frail. Mmm, she smells of fresh bread. Someone’s been baking.
“It’s really nice to meet
you, too, Mrs. Carroll.”
She pulls back, holding the
tops of my arms. “Please call me Elizabeth or Beth, either suit me just fine.”
With a lingering smile, she
looks lovingly up at Dane, behind me. I step to the side and watch their
embrace. It’s endearing and I can’t help but admire Elizabeth, and Ray, for
giving Dane and Saffron a home and caring for them. There’s so much love
amongst them all, I’ve witnessed less between blood families. This is quite
amazing.
When Dane told me in the
beginning that he spoke to Elizabeth on the days he doesn’t see her, though I
didn’t think it was a lie, I didn’t take it literally. In the six weeks I’ve
been with him, I’ve been aware of him calling her in Italy most days.
Dane gives me a full tour of
the house. Polished, dark wood lines the floors throughout and the walls are
either cream or pale blue. Hand painted pictures hang on display and almost all
of the furniture is antique and stylish. Photos of Ray are displayed as well as
pictures of Saffron, Nathaniel and Dane. It’s so cute seeing Dane as a boy.
It’s a stunning home and well kept, though rather large for one person.
Being here, it occurs to me
that Dane never talks about Ray. He speaks about Elizabeth all the time, and
his parents have come up a number of times, but we haven’t had a single
conversation about Ray. The bits of information I know have come from Saffron,
who oozes pure affection towards him. I wonder if Dane and Ray didn’t get
along, but if that was the case the man’s face wouldn’t be tattooed on Dane’s
back.
We sit drinking tea and
coffee in the living room. Nathaniel knows the house well and spends most of
the time running around. Elizabeth tells me about her travels to the UK. She’s
even been to the part of London I’m from.
“Saffron was telling me in
the kitchen that you’ll be performing in L.A. soon,” Elizabeth says, raising
her china tea cup to her slender lips.
“Yes, we start a week on
Monday. I can’t wait. My mum and dad have booked a hotel in San Diego that same
week and they’ll come to L.A. for the weekend to see the final show.”
I’m so excited about seeing
my dad. Because Dane’s coming to the final show, they’ll meet each other.
Thankfully, Tommy’s lessened the concerns my dad had, about me having a
boyfriend in San Francisco, so I don’t need to be nervous about them meeting.
“I’ll get us tickets for
when
Release
is in New York in November, Beth,” Saffron says. “It’s so
amazing, you’ll love it.”
“That would be nice,” she
says to Saffron.
I’ll make sure they have
tickets. Gosh, I feel so excited about life right now.
I know Elizabeth doesn’t want me to move her furniture
around; it was her polite way of getting me alone. Just like Saffron,
Elizabeth’s determined to see to it that I succeed with Brooklyn. I’d prefer it
if they both let me do things my way.
“I was thinking of moving
that chest of drawers over there to there,” she says pointing from the named
furniture in the corner to the right of the room and then to the exact same
space on the left side. She could do better than that, it’s a pointless
exchange.
“Beth, talk to me if that’s
what you want.”
“Come and sit down with me,
son,” she says holding her hand out to me the way she would Nathaniel. I take
it.
We walk over to the window
seat and sit down. Looking out into the backyard, from here, I can see Brooklyn
and Saffron sitting at the table on the patio, talking and laughing. When my
gaze slides to Elizabeth, she’s watching me with a smile of pleasure. “Brooklyn’s
a lovely girl. It’s been worth the wait.” I don’t know what to say, so I look
back out there and stay silent. “What’s the matter?” she asks.
It’s only now I realize I’m
frowning. I relax my forehead. “Nothing, I’m good.” I meet her gaze again.
That’s the problem with
people who know you well enough, you don’t have to say anything for them to see
you have something on your mind. It also means you can’t fool them into
thinking you’re cool if you’re not.
I turn around and lean back,
scanning the room, the cream colored walls and dark furniture, anything to
avoid eye contact with Elizabeth. I sigh. “It’s hard.” I rub my face with my
hands and take a deep breath. Exhaling, I fold my arms across my chest. “Being
with Brooklyn makes me feel like I’m in heaven and hell at the same time.”
Elizabeth adjusts her
position, turning around also. When I unfold my arms she takes my hand in both
of hers.
“I thought it might get
easier after the first couple weeks, but the opposite’s happened. In the six
weeks we’ve been together, we’ve only been apart when we’ve had to be. I can’t
tell you how many phone calls and texts we make when we’re not together. I
can’t even think about L.A.”
“That poor girl has no idea
what it does to you when she talks about it, does she? You hide it well from
her, but maybe that’s not such a good idea. As for all the time you’ve been
spending together, I get the impression you’re not imposing anything on
Brooklyn that she doesn’t want. You’re both so easy around each other.”
“I guess we are, but she
gets insecure sometimes and I’m not sure if that’s what drives her the most.”
“What does she get insecure
about?”
“She doesn’t understand why
I want a relationship with her when ...” Elizabeth doesn’t know much about my
private life, she’s just aware of my preference for staying single and the
reasons for it. She’s no fool, though. She knows I haven’t been completely
alone in every sense of the word. “When there’ve been a few insignificant
others. Brooklyn’s insecurities make it easy for me to keep her close. I think
that’s what makes her so willing.”
“That isn’t how she comes
across. She seems so confident and carefree.”
“It’s strange, because she
is and she isn’t. She’s a
contradiction
. She’s as strong and easy as she
is uncertain and doubtful. I don’t really get it, but it works for me. I guess
it means we bring out the worst in each other.”
“The opposite of that is
also evident. That’s a good thing, but you need to find other ways to make her
feel secure. It isn’t right to gain from her need for reassurance or whatever
it is she seeks.”
“I can’t figure out who
she’s most unsure of, herself or me. Sometimes I think it’s more personal to
her and she’d be that way no matter who she’s with. Other times I feel like
it’s all down to me. She’s so guarded with her emotions, careful with what she
shares, so it’s hard to be clear about it.”
“Maybe if you share a little
more of you, then she’ll give in return. There’ll be a reason for her behavior,
why not reach out to her by opening up? I think her going to L.A. may be good
for you both.”
“I don’t know about that,
but I have no choice.” Rubbing my eyes with my middle finger and thumb, the
frustration I feel with myself is close to unbearable. “I feel like I’m failing
as a man, like I should be stronger than this. I almost wish I hadn’t met her
in the first place.”
Elizabeth squeezes my hand,
still caught between hers. “I’m not happy to hear you talk like that. Your
concerns do not make you less of a man. I’ve always been so proud of you, as my
boy and as an adult. Somehow you need to find it in you to open up or start
creating a little healthy space. There’s nothing wrong with you and Brooklyn
always being together because you want to be, but if the drive comes from
another place then you do need to work on it. I know you’re trying, I can see
it. You are not failing, son.”
Her smile warms me in a way
I don’t feel I deserve. I return hers with my own, nonetheless. And there’s
something else. The thing I’m most ashamed of.
“Do you remember when
Saffron used to have nightmares?”
“Yes, I do,” she answers
with a quizzical expression. “Why?”
“Brooklyn has them. I don’t
think it’s every night, but I can’t be sure. Obviously it’s not abnormal for
someone to have a nightmare, but the morning after the first one I asked her
about it. She said she didn’t recall anything, but I knew she was lying. She
even tried to get out of staying over the next night. The others since then
haven’t been so bad, she just tosses and turns and moans. As far as I know,
she’s only woken one other time since then, but she doesn’t know that I’m aware
of that or the others.”
The second time Brooklyn
woke up in a panic, she didn’t realize she woke me. She got out of bed, put on
one of my T-shirts, and went into the living room. Then I ‘happened to wake
up’, needing the bathroom. When I went to her, she lied and said she simply
couldn’t sleep. We stayed up for hours talking and listening to some of my
records. She even wanted to dance with me. Then she fell asleep on the sofa.
Elizabeth’s brows pull tight
with quandary. I’m not surprised by her reaction.
“She would’ve avoided
staying with me if I said something.” Like that makes it acceptable.
“One of you needs to take
the first step. That may need to be you. You’ll find it hard to have a genuine
closeness if you don’t. It’s obvious that you love each other, but you won’t
have real peace if you’re hiding things.” She pauses. “Does she know you love
her?”
“Going by my actions she
should, but I haven’t said it. Neither has she. We touched on it in the
beginning, but we haven’t gone back there.”
She sighs, shaking her head.
“You’re keeping too much from each other. I’m sure she’d be happy to know how
you feel, it might even make her more secure.”
“Short of saying it, I can’t
possibly show her any harder that I love her. If my actions don’t make her
secure I doubt words will.”
“Why won’t you tell her
anyway? What harm would it do?”
I consider whether to
answer, I can almost predict the response I’ll get. “Because underneath it all
… I really don’t know for sure that I can do this. Those words are a promise,
you say them if you intend on being together long term. I’ll show Brooklyn love
every second of everyday, but if I haven’t put it out there, then I haven’t
made her that promise.”
“It’ll be a shame if you
let
things go that way. I understand, I always have, but you shouldn’t deny
yourself being with someone you love. I miss my husband every single day and
losing him still hurts, but I’d do it all again with him if I was given the
chance, even if the outcome was still going to be exactly the same. Love is a
wonderful thing, and you’re fortunate enough to have found it.”
It’s insane that I’ve found
myself loving someone so much that I can’t walk away from her even though the
depth of that love makes me want to do just that. For me, it’s so much more
than that four letter word – it binds to too many other emotions that create my
heaven and hell. Along with all that, I don’t want to hurt her.
So here I am, still being
pulled along in this thing with Brooklyn, and I have no clue where I’m headed
and I have no way of stopping it.