Sitting on the grass in the park across the street
from Dane’s apartment, I’ve enjoyed an afternoon of girlie chatter. Kayla and I
have been filled in on Leona’s two weeks in Mexico with Xavier and checked out
the photos on her tablet.
After Kayla leaves for the studio,
Leona and I remain. I lie back on our blanket and close my eyes, enjoying the
warmth from the sun on my face. It’s true what people say about the weather in
San Francisco being lovely in September and October. October is nothing like
this in the UK.
“Who’d have thought,” Leona
says, “we’d both be loved up within four months of coming here.” The sound of
her voice carries in a way that suggests she’s now lying beside me.
“I know, it’s crazy, isn’t
it? We wanted this experience to be life changing in the best possible way,
though. It’s definitely looking promising.”
“After nine years with Pete,
I never thought my heart would heal.”
I smile, so pleased that my
best friend has moved on after having her heart broken by the man she thought
she’d spend her life with. “Then Xavier came along and showed you differently.”
“He’s showed me perfectly.
What I felt for Pete was a shadow of what I feel for Xavier. This is
all-consuming soul-mate stuff.”
“Aww, I like that. Kayla and
Chase are doing well too – he’s massively into her.”
“He is, isn’t he? Love is
awesome.”
“Love is sooo fucking
awesome.” We giggle like two silly idiots, but we mean everything we’ve said.
“Here’s to us and this
all-consuming soul-mate stuff,” Leona says. “Touch, we don’t have drinks to toast
with.”
I open my eyes to find her
raised fist. I bump my fist to hers. “To us and this all-consuming soul-mate
stuff.”
“Rock on, sista!”
I chuckle at her, closing my
eyes again. “You’re an absolute nutter.”
“Talk of one of the devils,”
she says.
I open my eyes again,
looking in the same direction as Leona. Dane’s heading our way. He must have
just arrived back from work.
“I didn’t realize the time,”
Leona says, starting to sit up. “I better get going.”
I sit up to hug her goodbye.
She walks towards Dane, stopping and chatting to him. I smile when he laughs at
something she says.
A few minutes later, Dane’s
with me. He’s seated leaning back against a tree. Between his legs, I relax
into the cradle of his body. I show him some of the funny text messages Tommy
sent me a little while ago.
Dane’s phone rings, so I
move slightly as he reaches into his jeans pocket. I settle back in place and
return to my mobile as Dane answers his.
“Ms. Scottsdale marathon
runner,” he says, sounding happy and surprised. “… If it’s not
Scottsdale, then you’ve got me already. Where are you? …
What?
” He’s
definitely surprised, I’m now intrigued. “No shit, damn, girl.”
I start composing a text to
my brother, so it doesn’t seem like I’m listening, but how can I not?
“What about that guy? … This
is some development. It’s good to have you back, I thought you were going away
for a few months and it ended up being years.”
Years? Interesting.
He laughs hard enough that
the movement of his body jerks me. “Shit, it’s a nice surprise this call is …
have you called Joe yet?”
Joe?
“
Shit yeah
. In fact,
you really should call. He always wanted to know that you were okay. Su kept
him nicely informed, but you should get in touch.”
It’s a woman who’s been away
for years and she obviously hasn’t called Joe, but she should have. And Su’s
involved.
“You do that, but contact
Joe
a lot
sooner and let him know you’re back. If you don’t, I will.
Don’t think I can’t pick up on your reluctance.”
This is bloody brilliant.
“About fucking time,” Dane
mumbles to himself as he drops his phone on the blanket.
He was smiling when he said
it, so I can say, “You seem very pleased?”
“You could say so. That was
Callie, she’s … Fuck it, she’s Joe’s woman.”
I turn enough to lean
sideways against him, so I can see his face. “Joe has a woman? I thought he was
single.” Though, he’s way too sexy to be single.
“He is.” Dane becomes
thoughtful, like he’s searching for an explanation.
“Complicated situation, I
take it. That’s my own conclusion. I wasn’t listening intentionally to your
call, but it was impossible not to hear you.”
Dane chuckles at me, I
probably didn’t need to defend myself like that. He isn’t secretive about his
phone calls, or anything else for that matter. “Complicated is appropriate.”
“Unless it’s classified
info, I’m all ears.” I’m more than eager to know the details.
“Long story short; Callie
and Su have been best friends since childhood and they got close to Saffron
when they met her at a party, way back, like ten years ago. With that, they got
tight with all of us; Joe, Adam, Gerard and me. Then a few years ago, Joe and
Callie got together. They’d loved each other the whole time before that, but
neither of them knew about the other. None of us did, either, though I did know
she liked him at one point, right in the beginning – but that’s another thing
altogether.
“One night they got together
and things moved fast. They were getting married
Vegas Style
and just
before the wedding, Emily, Jack’s mom showed up five months pregnant. Joe
didn’t know about the pregnancy until that day. Callie couldn’t deal, so went
to stay with family in Arizona. That was three years ago. It was hard for her
to talk to any of us because of our connection with Joe, so the only person she
stayed in touch with was Su.”
Dane laughs at me again as
he takes in my expression. I’m so shocked. “Seriously?”
“Yup.”
This is frown worthy stuff.
“So Joe was nearly married?”
“You find that hard to
believe?”
“Not exactly, it’s just a
bit of a surprise, really… I find it quite heartbreaking, and Joe’s such a
great guy. What a shit way for things to go for him, for both of them?”
“Yeah, it was messed up.”
“Now she’s back, but he
doesn’t know yet?”
“Yeah, she’s nervous.”
“That’s understandable,
three years with no contact is a long time. I’d be nervous, if it was me.”
“Yeah, but he should – and
will – know soon. It’s only right.”
“Well, she’s here. That’s a
start.”
“True.”
I hang out with my thoughts
for a little while, running through everything I’ve just heard. It’s
unbelievable.
If ever there was an
opportunity to casually find out Dane’s feelings about having a family, this is
it. I’ll need to work up to it; I don’t want him to think I’m planning
anything. I just want to know, and given that four weeks ago we took a huge
step forward by telling each other how we truly feel, feelings we’ve confirmed
a number of times since then, these are essential details to be aware of – for
both of us.
I never ventured into this
area of discussion in the beginning because I didn’t think we’d last. My
confidence in us now is strong, so the moment the exhilaration of my first ride
faded, Dane’s words about “Saff or one of the guys” having a little girl formed
firmly in my head, and they’ve stayed there.
“Did Joe want children?” I
ask, keeping my voice light.
“Yeah. Definitely not under
those circumstances, though.”
“I take it he didn’t
actually have a relationship with Jack’s mum?”
“No. They did get together
after, but it didn’t work out.”
“Okay, two questions. One, I
take it Joe still loves Callie?” The answer to that is obvious. “And two, what
would you have done if some fling showed up preggers for you?” I kept my tone
just as light and my expression soft, so he doesn’t think this is me being
paranoid. I don’t expect for one second that some lady would show up pregnant
with Dane’s baby; I’m just working up to what I really want to know.
“Preggers?” he says, arching
a brow as he typically does when he finds my vocab interesting or weird. He’s
not expecting me to elaborate on something as obvious as this. “He does still
love her.”
“So it’s very likely they’ll
get back together?” Genuine interest here; I’m a sucker for a love story and
all things romantic. He nods, looking gorgeous and sure. “Preggers fling?” I
scrunch my nose, intentionally, to add to the light-hearted nature of this
particular question.
“Shit. It’s the
last
thing I’d want, but I’d have to deal with it. I think all kids deserve to have
both parents in their lives when it’s possible, whether they’re together or
not.”
Dane’s answer doesn’t
surprise me; it’s in his character to deal with things sent his way. I imagine
losing his own parents strengthens his resolve that a child deserves to have
their mum and dad in their life.
Now, unexpectedly, I feel
nervous.
I never get broody, but I’d
be devastated if I couldn’t have children. I’ve always wanted them and I want
to be married first. Somehow, asking Dane this question reinforces how much I
desire having a family. I want that to be with him.
What if he says no?
I lower my head on to his
shoulder and grasp a lock from his ponytail, hanging forward over his other
shoulder, to play with. Making every attempt to maintain the same level of
interest in my voice, I ask, “Do you … want children?”
Epic fucking fail!
Even before the full
question was out my heart was pounding. So much for keeping it light.
Silence.
Silence.
Shit!
Do I want children?
Brooklyn’s tone and the
change to her body language imply that my response is important to her. Is it a
deal breaker for her if I say no? Probably. Does that matter to me? Yes, it
does.
Fucking hell.
I try to break the silence
with a reply, but I don’t feel like I know what that is anymore. It’s not
clear-cut. I still have the same reasons for not wanting to have kids, but I
want Brooklyn. Regardless of any inner battle I’m trying to contend with, I
plan on loving the shit out of this woman for as long as I exist. I want to
make her happy and that means giving her everything she wants and needs.
The truth is what she
deserves, so that’s what she should get.
“I didn’t. That’s not the
best answer, but it’s the most I can give right now.”
“You didn’t, but now you’re
not sure?” she says, sounding more understanding than I expected.
“Yeah.” It’s a shit fucking
answer to a straightforward question, but I can’t offer more than that. I guess
I should confirm what I’m certain I already know the answer to. “Do you want
them?”
“Definitely,” she says, in
the same soft tone.
It’s a little after midnight. I’m lying on the sofa
with Brooklyn sleeping on me. As I reach for the remote control to turn off the
TV, my cell rings. I quickly grab it and answer before it wakes Brooklyn. “Su?”
I say, keeping my voice low.
I’m not surprised by this
call. After talking to Callie earlier, I expected some form of communication to
happen between Su and I. Su expresses her frustration at Callie’s worries about
speaking to Joe, so based on the plans I know he has today, I suggest a way
that we could assist. And, as simple as that, we have a means to finally get
them two reunited – sooner rather than later.
Dane is heading for the door and checks with me one
final time that I don’t want to go to the funfair with him. I think given the
situation it should be more personal. Having never met Callie, and after the
drama of her relationship with Joe, I think it’s best if I’m out of the way.
I’d prefer that too.
After searching through the
TV channels, and finding that everything on is shit, I opt for reading instead.
If I’d known today was going to turn out the way it has, I’d have brought my
tablet with my collection of e-books. I’ve never considered Dane’s; I’m romance
all the way, he’s sci-fi and horror all the way. We’re not exactly compatible
in that respect, but maybe one of his books will have a love story as part of
the plot.
Walking over to the
bookcase, my gaze starts at the top shelf and slowly travels down, row by row.
I pull out
The Exorcist
, which is ridiculous because I already know I’m
not capable of taking that on. I spot one called
The Ruins
. I’ve seen a
film by the same name and it wasn’t too scary. If this is it then I should be
fine. Maybe that’s the way to do it; go for the ones I’ve seen the film
versions of that haven’t scared me too much. I’ll bet the book’s worse, though,
imagination is a powerful thing.
Kneeling down, I spot
unexpected potential. I’ve seen
The Color Purple
and, though it’s at
times heartbreaking, I think I’d like to read it. I slide it out from the
bottom shelf and sit back on my heels, looking at the cover. I reconsider this
option; I’d forgotten some of the details, the brutal experiences of the girl.
I’m not sure now.
As I open the cover, a photo
falls onto my lap, face down.
There’s faded blue writing
on the back. It reads,
Nadine, June 3
rd
1996
.
Picking it up, I turn it
over and stare at the girl staring back at me. She has honey colored skin and
auburn hair pulled into a ponytail. It’s only her in shot, waving at the person
behind the camera. She has a lovely smile and she looks genuinely happy. I can
see it in her brown eyes. I’m guessing she’s around eighteen years old.
She was Dane’s girlfriend in
Hillsborough.
I get up, taking the photo
and the book with me. For some long moments, I sit on the sofa looking at
Nadine. She’s sweet, quite innocent looking. I doubt she’s so innocent now.
Still, she’s nothing like Mia. Nothing like me.
So she’s the other girl Dane
once loved.
This is weird. Why would he
have a photo of her? And separate from his others? I’ve seen the ones on his
computer and the ones from the earlier days that were developed. I haven’t seen
a single picture of Nadine. Why would he keep it on its own in a book?
Sitting at his desk in the
corner of the living room, I start up the computer. Maybe I saw her and didn’t
realize because I didn’t know what she looks like. I’d seen Callie and her
wonderful array of hair colors and her quirky style, and I didn’t know that
until Dane said it to me last night. Now that I know what Nadine looks like
I’ll spot her.
I go through the images
Saffron uploaded onto the computer. Focusing only on the earlier ones, I make
quick work of it. Nadine isn’t in any of them.
Dane’s been gone for over an
hour, but I’m sure he’ll be out for a while still. That gives me time to go and
check out the developed collection. He keeps them in a box in his wardrobe.
I sit on the floor by the
open wardrobe doors and proceed to go through his collection. There are less of
these and, again, I’ve seen them all before. He identified most of the people
when he took me through them, but not every single person.
By the time I finish I still
have no answers. There’s only one picture of Nadine, the one hidden in a book.
I hid photos, and other items, from Adrian, but that was because he was a
paranoid control freak.
Does Dane think that of me?
I linger on that thought – I
really hope not.
He’s answered every question
I’ve ever asked him easily. But I’ve never asked about Nadine. That was
intentional – the moment he admitted to actually loving someone who he’d been
with for years, the last thing I wanted was details about her or their
relationship. Knowing he was with Clarissa for longer than me was bad enough,
and he didn’t even love her.
Once everything is put back
in its place, I sit on the sofa and think about what to do.
The last
thing I want is to throw accusations at him or come across as untrusting, but
he has a secret photo of an ex, an ex who is the only other woman he loved.
What the heck am I supposed
to make of that?
I’ve sat here for hours and still haven’t decided what
to say or do. The one thing I’m certain of is that if Dane is waiting for
Nadine or, for whatever reason, isn’t over her then I need to know. As much as
I love him, I can’t be with a man whose true love is someone else. I won’t be.
Not even for Dane.
The front door opens. Nerves
have my heart rate spiking. Shit, what do I say? I glance over as he walks in,
he looks happy and relaxed. Seeing him like that makes this so much harder. I
force a smile as he approaches me and kisses me on the lips, before sitting
down.
“How did it go?” That’s the
only place to start from.
He fills me in, and at the
very least, Joe and Callie have been reunited, so I imagine ultimately they’ll
be fine. I’m exceptionally pleased for Joe, for both of them. I hope their
outcome is perfect.
I hope I’m around to see it.
Suddenly, Dane looks at me
like he’s reading my face. “What’s wrong?” he asks, turning to me and
stretching out his arm along the back of the sofa, behind my head.
“Nothing.” I can’t ask. I’m
not sure if it’s because I don’t want the answer or because I don’t want to
revert back to stupid questions. I have secrets, too, and there’s good reason
for that. Maybe I should leave it. Yes, I’m leaving it.
I force myself to smile at
him.
Both brows lift in his
‘I-don’t-believe-you’ way. You see, we’ve been here before; I’ve wanted to ask
him something that’s been on my mind, and he seemed to know that simply by
looking at me. If I tried to avoid the issue, he’d look at me the way he is
now. Dane is far from an idiot.
I don’t want to do this, I
really don’t.
“Brooklyn?”
I shake my head. “Nothing,
I’m fine.”
He sighs, clearly frustrated,
and turns his head away. He freezes with his gaze locked on the object
currently placed on the coffee table.
“You still love Nadine,” I
say without intending to.