“I was just thinking about how easily I let you see me
naked,” Brooklyn says looking into the reflection of her eyes. “And how, on a
deeper level, I’ve stayed covered up. Same as you have, really. We’ve both held
something back – something that really matters.”
Those words lead my
imagination down Brooklyn’s naked form, without the need to use my eyes, every
detail precise. I know her body better than my own, yet, as she said, there
have been limitations, on both sides, beyond that.
Brooklyn’s gaze lowers to
her navel, her focus becoming distant.
“The first time a man tells
you no one will ever love you the way he does, it’s easy to think
aww, how
sweet is he…?
When he’s told you it a hundred times more it’s no longer
sweet
it’s
what if it’s true?
Because it no longer means they love you so much
no other man could possibly match it – it’s said in a way that makes you feel
you’re not worthy and that you’re lucky he at least loves you, which in itself
is confusing, because he seems so scared of losing you. He seems threatened by
anyone who might get in the way of you being together.
“I didn’t even notice the
transition. When we met, he seemed perfect. Then he turned into this … Jekyll
and Hyde, mood changes and behavior I couldn’t keep up with. Suddenly, he had
control over me; my every move, my clothes, people I spoke to. Instead of saying
things that made me feel good, he said things that confused me or made me feel
like crap. At the same time he made me feel like I was everything to him and
all he needed.
“He made me hate the words
I
love you
. He used them like a weapon against me, to fuck with my head, to
keep me with him, to make me feel like I needed him as much as he needed me.
Someone who loves you shouldn’t hurt you. Someone who loves you shouldn’t like
to see you cry.” She laughs without humor, a wet sheen appearing over her eyes.
“How weird is it that I met you and, before I knew it, more than anything, I
craved hearing you say those words and meaning them. Who in their right mind
expects that from a man who doesn’t even have relationships?
“… I was one of those women
who said that if a man ever raised his hand to me I’d be out the door like a
shot.” She crosses her arms over her chest and bows her head. “God, I
definitely do feel naked now.”
Tucking my thumbs into the
waistband of my sweats, I lower them until they reach my ankles and take them
off. I drop them on the floor. Behind Brooklyn, I stand bare, in the hope that
she’ll feel
equal
with me, less exposed, less vulnerable. I don’t touch
her, I fight so damn hard not to touch her, but I stand close.
Brooklyn meets my gaze
through the mirror. The small smile that makes an appearance is genuine, but
she doesn’t move her arms. Watching her this way makes her seem so fragile.
It’s taking all the strength I have not to hold her right now.
“Trust you to go and do
something like that for me. You are so easy to love, Dane.” She sighs,
maintaining eye contact with me.
“I like to think the reasons
I stayed with Adrian for nearly two years are more complex than me just being
weak and stupid. I like to think it was a bad case of perfect timing when I met
him. Perfect for him, the worst for me.
“I was waiting for my physio
appointment at the hospital. I was back in the UK, not long after my surgery
here. Adrian was sitting next to me; he had a problem with his wrist. We spoke
and he made me laugh. I needed that. I was so down about my injury. I missed
the dancing and convinced myself I was never going to get back to the standard
I’d achieved. I was losing muscle tone, I felt out of shape, and I was worried
about gaining weight. I worried about everything, even insignificant things. I
was struggling and he was so nice to me. I agreed to see him again. He just
seemed to say all the right things and made me feel better. He built my
confidence and distracted me.
“It’s quite a skill, even if
a devious one, to be able to build someone up and then slowly break them down
without them realizing it. I was crumbling and I didn’t even know it.”
A single tear rolls down
from her left eye. Her gaze follows its descent, and so does mine. Others
follow. She doesn’t try to stop them, but she closes her eyes.
Moving in closer, I wrap my
arms around her upper body, around her own arms still crossed over her chest,
and press my lips to the back of her head, inhaling the scent of her hair. I
don’t know how to process what she’s telling me.
Her wet lashes stay sealed.
“It goes without saying that I don’t always sleep well. Most nights are fine,
but it’s the one time he can still get to me.”
“The nightmares are
because of him?”
She looks at me, nodding
slowly. “Random snippets from the night I left him, but sometimes weird stuff
that doesn’t make sense. You know how dreams work, we can’t control them.” She
takes another deep breath. The tears have stopped, but her cheeks hold wet
streaks.
“I never understood what
went on in his head; crappy, silly thoughts and major paranoia. He could make
the most innocent scenario seem seedy. He was always accusing me of flirting
and leading other men on and not really loving him, needing me to somehow prove
that I did over and over again. It got to the point I wouldn’t even speak to
other men, I was a nervous wreck. I stopped going anywhere because that felt
easier than dealing with his shit.
“One day in the supermarket
he gave me hell for absolutely nothing. I walked out and went back to his place
to pick up my stuff, I was done with him. So done. I obviously wasn’t using
common sense when I decided to go back to his house to get my things. He came
in the front door before I had the chance to leave, and wouldn’t let me go. He
put on the same desperate act that fooled me all the other times I tried to end
it. I stood my ground and it was the first time I realized just how pathetic
and manipulative he was.
“Then he locked us in and
put the key in his pocket. Again and again, I told him it was over. He acted as
though I wasn’t even speaking, so I punched him in the face.” She starts
laughing. I’m still holding her, she’s still holding herself, and I’m not sure
what to make of this reaction.
“I’m sorry,” she says. “None
of this is funny, and I’m not taking it lightly, but I was so happy in that
split second. I put everything I had into that punch. It was dark, but I could
see well enough to take pleasure in his astoundment. It was almost worth
hitting him for that.”
Her expression becomes
gravely serious, and I’ve got a feeling this should stop right here. I don’t
want to hear anymore. Does it make me a bastard if I tell her to stop? That I
can’t bear to hear anymore?
“I did actually try to
defend myself for what it was worth. That only made him worse, but no way was I
gonna curl up and just take it. I’d already taken enough from him. He decided I
needed a bath after. I struggled, but he was much stronger than me. I was fully
clothed and submerged in water with two hands holding me under.
“I wanted my life before him
back. Right then, I wanted it more than ever. I wanted life full stop. I don’t
know where the strength came from, but I gave up fighting and managed to force
myself still, held my breath. When I suspected he’d left the room, as calmly as
I could, I raised my head above the water. Even now I don’t know how I managed
to keep so quiet and controlled. When I heard the front door open and slam
shut, I let go. He’d locked the front door again, so I had to climb out the
living room window. And that’s…”
This feels like my worst
nightmare, and I’m wide awake for it.
The look in Dane’s eyes crushes me more than anything
I’ve recalled for him since he walked into the bathroom. I close mine, tightly,
needing to escape the pain I can see in his. I can still see it, imprinted
behind my eyelids. I can’t believe I was foolish enough to take things this
far, telling him so much. Too much.
I should’ve stopped before I
spoke about the bath.
He wouldn’t have looked that
way if I did. How could I be so bloody stupid?
“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t
have told you.” I squeeze my closed eyes tighter. Dane’s arms constrict around
me – too much. I sob. “I’m sorry, Dane.”
“Brooklyn, baby, you say
sorry a lot … sometimes it’s appropriate, but too often it’s unnecessary.” I
feel the press of his face against my hair. “Dammit,” he mutters, seemingly to
himself. “You probably said that to Adrian a lot.” He sighs, the breath playing
in among my strands.
I wait, silently.
I continue to wait.
“I don’t want you to tell me
sorry anymore, okay? No matter what the reason is.”
I nod, simply because that
same word was about to slip through my lips. He’s right; I did say it a lot.
Between that stupid word and all those poxy tears, there was way too much of
both.
I look at Dane through the
mirror, but with the position of his head I can’t see his face. For some long
moments, we’re silent. He raises his head enough to meet my gaze, but keeps his
nose and mouth pressed against my hair.
“I’ve asked God every day to
let me keep you,” he says. “I nearly lost you before you were even mine.”
Emotions of the highest
level wash over me like a tidal wave, and my tears flow. Tears for all he’s
lost. Tears for his pain. Tears for his fears. Tears for the degree of love in
those words.
“You turned your back on
love,” I whisper, though I’m aware he kept close those he cares deeply for.
“Did you think you’d lose other things you love?”
His shoulders rise in a slow
shrug, and I feel his exhale. “We don’t get to decide that, do we? I figured it
was up to me if I put myself there in the first place by creating new bonds. I
didn’t have that choice with my sister or Elizabeth or the others who became my
family, those bonds were already there. But I could avoid new connections like
the one I had with Nadine. The one Elizabeth lost. That’s something I felt I
had control over.
“When I was a kid I resented
both my parents being taken. I didn’t understand why we couldn’t at least keep
one of them. When I witnessed the heartbreak Elizabeth thought she was keeping
private, the pain she didn’t want Saff and me exposed to, I felt glad my mom
and dad went together. Ray was Elizabeth’s everything, and losing him broke her.
I thought,
why the hell bother?
I did bother, and losing Nadine
solidified that idea.
“At first I didn’t even
acknowledge other women. Then when I came here it was the total opposite, but I
felt guilty, like I was dishonoring Nadine, yet I couldn’t stop. I wanted to
escape myself, but I had no way out.
“Then I switched off
completely and it was all physical, nothing emotional.
“I still cared about some of
the women, but it never ran deep. It wasn’t hard for me to achieve that once I
put myself there. When I did eventually try a relationship it was easy, I
didn’t feel much more than when it was solely physical. Then I did it again and
it was no different. I got to thinking I couldn’t love in that way, and I was
cool with that. But it’s not so great when a woman feels things for you that
you can’t give back, that part I didn’t find so easy. I continued doing what I
did best, living the single life.”
The look in his eyes becomes
softer. Remaining behind me, he moves his head and rests his cheek by my ear. I
feel the press of his lips at the side of my neck, gentle yet so evident. His
hold loosens, but stays nice and firm.
“Then you came along, and
before I knew it I wanted you in every way and beyond anything I’d ever
experienced before. With that other feelings started to surface.
“I made Saffron’s life
unnecessarily hard after Ray died. Not many boys want their little sister with
them all the time. She’d have been with us a lot anyway, but I didn’t give her
the freedom to choose. She hated me at one point and even started sneaking off,
which just caused us to fight because I was such an asshole about it. It just
seemed to me that if she was always with me I could keep her safe. I knew it
wasn’t realistic, but I couldn’t stop myself, I had to at least try.
“I felt protective of you
from the first morning you sat across from me in the Purple Cafe and I caught a
glimpse of vulnerability in your eyes. I even wanted to keep you safe from me.”
Dane slowly glides his lips up and down the side of my neck. I close my eyes,
tilting my head slightly to the side, and welcome the tender contact that seeps
in and infuses throughout me entirely.
“My undoing was when you
avoided me after seeing Clarissa. I knew something was up with you, but I
couldn’t figure out what. All kinds of things went through my head that night
and the next day, not a single answer gained. But one thing that was very clear
to me was that I was already in too deep with you and I didn’t want to let you
go. There are more ways than one to lose someone you love, and I wasn’t okay
with any of them.” He nestles his face in my hair, behind my ear. I tilt my
head towards him.
“You made it so easy for me
to keep you near. I figured the guy you were with before me cheated on you and
that’s why you were so cautious and mistrusting. I knew my past wouldn’t have
helped matters. All in all, and as much as I tried to make you feel secure, you
being insecure worked for me. I didn’t know I had it in me to be that much of a
jerk to take advantage like that.”
His voice changed from low
and calm to firm. He’s not happy with his actions. I considered him protective,
not a jerk. He makes so much sense now.
“Dane, I always felt like I
had a choice with you. You didn’t take advantage. One thing I know too well is
the difference between choice and control, someone who protects you and someone
who hurts you. Every second I’ve ever spent with you was because it’s what I
wanted. I find it impossible to want to be away from you.”
Moments pass without words,
but they’re not necessary. I can sense the change in our connection, the depth.
Even with the secrets, with the way we’ve been these past four weeks, I didn’t
think I could possibly become any closer to Dane. I didn’t think we could get
any deeper.
I was wrong.
I feel weightless now that
we’ve shared ourselves. As sad as I find it, I’m glad I know more about the
things that have shaped Dane.
“I’m still gonna want to
protect the shit out of you.” I meet his sincere, hazel gaze through the
mirror. “That might mean me suddenly showing up out of the blue when you’re in
New York for
Release
. See for myself that you’re good. Just know that if
you ever find me too much, you only need to say.”
“I already know that. Why
would I have a problem with such an amazing man wanting to protect me?”
Love and protection from
someone I want to love and protect back; how could I possibly oppose that?
“So … it turns out you’re
not so bad at the L-word after all.” That first night in the bar feels like a
lifetime ago in some ways.
Dane straightens up, moving
his hands to my hips. I lower my arms to my sides.
“What do you mean?”
I smile like the luckiest
girl in the world. “I’ll tell you later.”
Dane turns me away from our
reflection and captures my mouth. I cling to him and give back everything I
have to give. This kiss is different to all the others we’ve shared. There’s
passion, desire, and love, as there always is, but there’s also a great big
dose of promise and determination in equal measures, from both sides.
This is so fucking perfect.
Breaking away, but keeping
my lips close to his, I whisper breathlessly, “Let me put the ‘c’ in your
dance.”
Taking him by the hand, I
lead the way out of the bathroom.