Reluctant Guardian (31 page)

He dusts off his pants, his black robe at his feet, trampled and filthy. “Where will
you
go?”

“To heaven, of course!” I say with false bravado, a tug in my heart. I'm not about to let him see my anxiety on that topic. “You don't worry about me. Things always work out.” I motion toward the room's entrance. It opens without a sound. Derek is free to go even though he can't see the angel who has opened the door.

I kiss my fingers and then wave to him, all the while holding in my true feelings of despondency, loneliness, and uncertainty.

 

~In the Nick of Time~

Brecken

 

It all comes back to me in a flash—my past, a crystal-clear memory. The angels and demons that had surrounded me so long ago. The raging battles. Anaita, Andras, Raphael, everyone. Everyone who is here now.

My body aches and burns from my murder just moments before, and I can hardly move. The noise and clang of steel swords, the screaming of eternal death ...those cries that I will never forget, are repeated here again. It's almost more than I can stand and the constant thought that pounds through my mind is that I have failed my earthly probation.

I was given this one chance at mortality. Now it's over. I remember the promises I made, that I would choose good over evil, that my damned soul would be redeemed. It seems I made one mistake after another. One failure after another. How could I have ever dreamed I'd get what I wished for in the end? God. Heaven. Angels. Eternity.

Anguish fills my heart and I want nothing more—after all this time and effort—to roll over to give up, but I roll over and see Alisa struggling, like a pinned bug, beneath Anaita's weight.

In a flash, my pain is forgotten as I reach out and seize Anaita's wrist. She turns, surprised, staring into my eyes in horror.

“Enough,” I whisper, just as I had on that ashen battlefield so long ago. She'd been at my mercy then as well. I remember her kneeling at my feet as my sword was poised above her. I should have killed her then.

My thoughts shift back to the present. To Alisa. The resignation of an eternal death on her face. If nothing else, I will stop
this,
but will Alisa ever understand? Will she still accept me for who I am once she knows the truth?

Who would want someone so tarnished, so... damaged?

I can't look at her. Not yet. I can't bear to see the condemnation in her eyes. They have to have told her already, and if Raphael hasn't, Anaita surely has.

Anaita steals Alisa away and I can do nothing to stop them from leaving. I fall off the bed in my effort and lie on the floor. I wait, too weak to move, until the angel-warriors I know and remember surround me, buoying me up. I let them lead me away when the battle ends. I let them separate me from my guardian.

 

~ Alone Again~

Alisa

 

After Derek leaves, I look down the hall to the room where Brecken was held. Just the fact that he is some bigwig demon-turned-angel leaves me reeling. How could I not have known, not have seen it? His aura did tend to shine brighter than most human beings did, but I'd chalked it up to his gifts of being able to see auras and spirits.

I think back to all the conversations we had and how I acted like such a stupid teenager. And I can't help but feel like Raphael used me, and that bit of truth flares hot in my chest like a bad case of heartburn. I hadn't been sent to be a guardian, but a spy.

Brecken knew what I was all along. Maybe he hadn't clearly comprehended it—without his memories—but on some level he knew. It was me who hadn't realized I was a secret agent.

Knowing I'm not needed here anymore, I close my eyes, figuring the only place to go is back to
Idir Shoal
.

How depressing.

***

I sit on my bed in
Idir Shaol
thinking. How stupid is it to have a bed when I don't sleep? Everything that ever bothered me about this place rises to the forefront of my mind. I hate the fake sunshine, the constant cheerfulness of those who work here, and I
really
hate the pretend sky. Do they think we're idiots? We know it isn't real, and it certainly doesn't make me feel any better.

The other thing is that I haven't seen anyone I care about yet. I
did
learn it was Natty who found Raphael and told his army of angels to save Brecken and me.

Now I am right back where I started, only more bereft, more depressed, and lonelier than ever. I have nothing to look forward to. I lie back and stare at the annoying ceiling, the puffy clouds floating by in the shapes of bunnies, kittens, and baby chicks. I yearn to reach up and rip the heads off all of them.

I miss Brecken with an ache I can't describe. My heart feels hollow, and all I want to do is cry, but no matter how much I try, no matter how much I wish it, those cleansing tears never appear.

I face the wall, scrunching my eyes shut. I'll lie here until I am
forced
to leave. Maybe I'll leave if my old roommates show up, which makes me wonder where they are. Have they become guardians? Even Deedre? I'd like to see
that
on a movie screen.

“No,” I hear someone say beside me. “She chose to go to Soul Prison instead.”

I turn abruptly to find Raphael sitting on Shana's bed, facing me, looking like my old mentor and not the avenging angel he was only a short while ago. I view him with a whole new level of appreciation. His long, wavy hair falls over his shoulders, and his green eyes regard me with sadness.

“Really?”

He nods. “Some do.”

“What about Shana and Cinder? Are they guardians too?”

“Yes, they both are. And doing well.” He shifts, placing his right foot on his left knee and leans forward, his eyes intense and seeing right through me. “You did very well, Alisa.”

I snort and am tempted to turn back to face the wall. Instead, I bow my head, shame filling me. “You mean falling in love with your charge is condoned now? Good to know.”

He chuckles and shakes his head. “Always the joker.”

“No. A cynic. So now what?”

“Come. There's someone I want you to see.” He holds his hand out. That strong, fighting, powerful, yet gentle hand.

With resignation I say, “I don't know, Raphael. I don't really feel like seeing anyone right now.” My head hangs and my heart feels empty. I want to stay here and wallow... and eat Rocky Road ice cream.

“You'll want to see this person.”

It has to be Gram, come to say good-bye and send me off to Soul Prison in grand style. I should be grateful and relieved that she would come after the huge mess I made. But inside, I resist. I didn't want to see her pitying smile.

Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe I'll get a spot close to the light, on the edge of tar and mist, away from people like Mr. Roland. I should have forgiven him long ago, but I hadn't been ready. Funny how that works.

“Okay.”

Raphael drapes my arm through his and closes his eyes. One second later, we appear in his office, the fictitious light of the noonday sun shining brightly through the wide windows on the far wall.

“Wait for just a moment.” He folds his arms over his wide chest and a smile splits his face. He seems inordinately happy.

“What?” I ask with a bit of petulance.

There is a tap on the door and the handle turns. I watch in slow motion as a whoosh of air blows past me, a flash of white appears, then a bare foot steps in, followed by the rest of the man, or should I say, teenager.

“Brecken!” I exhale in breathless surprise. One emotion after another rolls through me. Surprise, happiness, worry, euphoria, apprehension, and then back to happiness and surprise. I want to run forward, to throw my arms around his neck, to kiss him soundly, but I seriously can't move.

“Well, I have some things to do.” Raphael winks in my direction, then the door clicks shut behind him and we are alone.

I don't know what to say as I look into Brecken's wonderfully familiar face, the way his eyes blink slowly, his crooked, innocent grin, how his fingers twitch against his thigh—playing a drum tap to some imagined song. He wears a long, white robe down to his ankles, and his feet are bare. He is all Brecken, whole and perfect, and I feel tortured along with my euphoria.

He steps forward, a shy smile playing on his lips. “Surprised?”

I know if he touches me right now he will feel real, not like I'm a ghost and he's a human. My feet know where I want to go and move toward him.

“I asked to see you one last time, before I have go back.”

I stop before him, our faces only inches apart. The lump in my throat dissolves. “Go back?”

He measures our proximity, his eyes questioning. “Yes. I wanted to see you.”

He is so close. I want to lean forward and kiss him. The thought sends a thrill through me and he smiles as if he has read my thoughts. His hand reaches out. His touch feels real—just like I knew it would—with heat, solid and wonderful. He pulls me closer and his eyes close.

Time slows, and in slow motion, I am surrounded by his arms. I feel the whole length of him—the muscles in his legs next to mine, the hard planes of his chest, the splay of his hands on my back. A beautiful tingle fills my hands as I slide them slowly up and down his neck. I smile in spite of myself. “I can't believe you're here,” I whisper into his ear.

“I can't stay long,” he murmurs against my neck. “I have to finish my tour of duty on Earth, but then we really can be together, just like we wanted. I don't have to forget any of this. I don't have to forget you. They're letting me keep these memories.”

“But why do you have to go back at all? Why can't you stay here?”

“It's my penance, Alisa. I have to complete it. I have to go back and live a normal life as a semi-normal human and try to make a difference.” He studies me, the love in his eyes, a gift. “You see, what Lamia said is true. I am a fallen angel. I rooted for the wrong team, and I have to pay for that mistake.” He smiles sadly, embarrassed, and I experience those aching feelings through my fingers.

“It was Raphael who saved me. He saw something inside
worth
saving. I was given a chance to start over.”

“Wow. That's... just so hard to even comprehend.” I look at Brecken, the same Brecken I've known all along, but now, his face glows, shines, and his smile radiates a happiness I've never seen before.

“You'll make it,” I said. “You belong in heaven.”

He glances at our joined hands, rubbing his thumb over the back of my fingers. The soft pressure creates a yearning inside me, and all I want to do is hold him. I can't bear the thought of releasing him and leaving. Does he know I'm being sent to Soul Prison? How can he think we'll ever be together? I can't be the one to tell him, to disappoint him, so I say nothing.

“I need to go,” he whispers, “but I want you to know that every day, every moment, I'll be thinking of you. I'll check in with Raphael to see how you are, and know that... that... I love you.”

He's never said those words before, never even uttered them under his breath. Their power distills over me like a warm, humid mist, filling every crack and crevasse of my aching soul, healing my heart, converting my doubt to hope.

He loves me!

My whole life I've struggled to feel loveable—a symptom of my abuse—but Brecken's words, his unconditional love, erases those unwanted memories from my mind.

I throw my arms around his neck once more and pull him close, inhaling the wonderful scent of him. Woods and maleness. I soak him in, figuring it will be the last time. He pulls back to look deeply into my eyes, then leans forward and presses his lips against mine. His hands spread on my back and the pressure of his fingers grip my robe. I tighten my arms around his neck, my hands tangling in the hair at his neck. Never have I clung to anyone this way, with such fervor, such sadness, knowing the magic will soon end.

When he pulls away, the same dread I feel in my heart is on his face. “I have to go.”

“I know.” My lips graze the soft skin of his neck, the scars from his punctures wounds healed. “You'll wait for me? You won't go off and fall for some other guardian?”

“You need to ask?”

I brush my fingers over his lips, memorizing his face—the crinkles around his eyes, every freckle, every nuance in his expression. “I'll wait for you forever.”

We gaze into each other's eyes, neither of us wanting to let go or look away—our clasped hands, our aching hearts refusing to say good-bye. I yearn to stay in this bittersweet moment, but a knock sounds on the door and Raphael peeks in.

“Time to go, Bretariel.”

“Okay.” Brecken's lips brush over mine one more time. “And don't forget what I said, and if you're ever in my neighborhood... ”

“I will.”

He steps back, his arms still reaching for me, this heartache ripping us in two. “I'm not going to say goodbye.” His face twists into a grimace as though leaving me is physically painful. How long before we are together again? Will he finish his penance before me? I'm not ready to say goodbye!

Raphael places his hand on Brecken's shoulder, and with a reluctant nod to me, they disappear in a shimmer of light.

And just like that, I am alone.

 

~What Future Awaits~

Alisa

 

I stay in Raphael's office, knowing he'll be back. Now that Brecken is gone, I'm ready to go. There's nothing left for me in
Idir Shaol
. There's no one to say good-bye to—no one to miss.

When Raphael returns, he doesn't seem surprised to see me still waiting, but instead of ushering me out or ordering me down to Hell—which is what I suspect will happen, because I did disobey—he comes in and closes the door. Nervously, I await his decision—because I did go back to Brecken when I wasn't supposed to, and I did talk Natty into disobeying as well. The wrong choices I've made are the ones that stick to the forefront in my mind.