Remember (2 page)

chapter three

I
leaned forward on my horse and whispered in his ear. I could feel Harry’s excitement. It was clear in every twitch of his ears and the way the muscles in his back tensed. He was ready to go. I pushed my heels down in the stirrups and felt the stretch in my calf muscles. When I rode for fun, it felt as if Harry and I were connected in some way. Like I could read his mind and he knew what I wanted from just the slightest tension in my legs. My trainer, Laura, was always telling me I needed to go to that headspace in competitions. My jumps in practice were almost always just a bit cleaner and higher than in competition.

Harry had been there almost my entire life. My parents had given him to me for my sixth birthday. They’d thrown me a horse-themed party, and we’d gone out to a stable so that all my friends and I could have pony rides.

Some of the girls had been scared, but I remembered being excited. The groom brought out small ponies for each of the girls, but when it was my turn he led in this giant, beautiful creature. Its mane was braided with pink roses, and I thought he was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. The groom whisked me up and into the saddle and led me around the ring, telling me how to hold the reins and how to sit. I took the whole thing very seriously. When we went the full way around, my parents were there with their camera.

“How do you like your present?” my dad asked.

I didn’t get it for a beat. I looked around the arena, and then I realized what he was saying. Harry was my present. I burst into tears. There wasn’t enough room in my entire body to hold how happy I was. I flung my arms around Harry’s neck and inhaled his horse smell. It seemed that in that moment he knew he was mine, too.

Now, Laura took the reins and checked over Harry. I’d braided his mane that morning. She tucked a loose piece so it was tighter. She pulled on one of the buckles on his bridle, the leather creaking as it stretched.

“He’s looking good.” She glanced at me. “You, however, look like shit. You overthinking things?”

I laughed. I yanked on the chinstrap of my helmet. “Right now I’m overthinking how I tend to overthink.”

“I’m not sure if that’s progress or not.” Laura patted my leg. “You did great in the first round. All you need to do is
exactly what you did before. Now take a deep breath.”

I filled my lungs and held my breath for a beat. Harry let out a snort, tossing his nose in the air. Horses aren’t too great at yoga breathing.

“Remember, you’re supposed to be having fun out there. Trust your instincts.”

I nodded and pulled on the sleeves of my velvet jacket. The fact that our first round had been nearly perfect now seemed like a fluke. I could feel sweat pooling in my lower back under my jacket.

“Representing Hampton Mews Stable, Harper Bryne.” The announcement rang out over the PA system.

My heart began beating like crazy. Laura gave me a crisp nod. I tapped my heels into Harry’s side, and we entered the competition space. The ring held twelve fences. I mentally traced the route we’d take one more time. The crowd in the stands gave polite applause. The judges sat at a long table, watching. I closed my eyes and forced myself to focus and block out the distractions. Some people like the smell of fresh bread or flowers, but for me there is nothing more relaxing than the smell of leather and fresh hay and the musky scent of horse. I opened my eyes.

“Let’s do this,” I whispered to Harry. We’d be judged on if we cleared each of the fences and made our turns in the time allotted. Points would be deducted for any knockdowns or refusals. Harry almost never refused. He loved to jump. He
was a flyer. His registered name was Hermes of Caelum. He was named after the Greek god with the winged feet. I called him Harry, after Harry Potter, another great flyer.

I kicked my heels, and Harry thundered out into the ring, his hooves sinking into the soft-packed dirt. We approached the first fence, and I stood in the stirrups, leaning forward, my knees tightening around the horse. His muscles coiled as he leaped forward. We cleared the fence with no problem. I pulled the reins to make the sharp left. The course had three jumps in a row. I could faintly hear the applause as we cleared each one, but my entire concentration was on the next fence. I made the next two fences, but on the second to last I heard a clang as Harry’s back hoof hit the bar. Shit. I yanked my head around to see if the bar fell. It rattled in the metal berth, but held. If it fell, I’d be out. My glance back meant I lost my focus, and I missed the last turn. I had to turn Harry around and make another attempt. I kicked myself for compounding one mistake with another. Harry and I crossed the line. I checked the clock—we’d made it.

Harry walked out of the ring, his legs high stepping, and I pulled off my helmet. Win was waiting with Laura.

“Nice.”

“We almost blew that one fence.” I shook my head, annoyed.

“I had three knockdowns,” Win said. “I dream of having a run with only one near miss. I didn’t even make the second round. Clean runs and I never seem to go together.”

“Instead of dreaming about better runs, you could try more practice,” Laura suggested. She was Win’s trainer too. Win jumped in a different group than I did. If she’d put her mind to it, she could have jumped in the elite class too, but she wasn’t interested. She joked she only rode for the great outfits and the chance to meet guys in tight jodhpurs.

I jumped off Harry and patted his side. I could tell he felt bad. The mistake wasn’t his fault; it was mine. My hand ran down his back leg, making sure the bar hadn’t cut him.

“You want me to have the groom walk Harry?” Laura offered.

“No, I’ve got his cooldown.” It would do me good to have something to keep me busy while waiting for final scores. I couldn’t watch other riders. It made me too nervous. If I was ever going to make the Olympic level, I was going to need serious antianxiety medication.

“I’ll come with you,” Win said. We walked around the back to the barn. It was early spring, and the cold air felt good. I took a deep breath to clear the tension in my chest. There were rows of dust-covered horse trailers and trucks parked along the road. Some were painted with the names of their stables on the side.

“I should have worn my lucky jacket,” I said. I kicked a rock with my polished black boot and watched it skitter down the road.

“Your old jacket isn’t lucky; it’s just old. Once you win in this jacket, it will be your lucky jacket,” she said.

“If I win.”

“You will.” Win pulled off her jacket and unbuttoned the top few buttons of her white shirt. She smiled at the off-duty police officer who was guarding the end of the road. She tossed her braids over a shoulder. His mouth fell open when he realized she was smiling at him, but he recovered in time to give her a wide smile back.

I nudged her in the side with my elbow. “He’s at least in his midtwenties, maybe thirty.”

“Don’t get your knickers in a twist; I’m not planning to marry him.” She smirked. “And if I run off with a cute man in a uniform, it will be your dad’s fault.” She put an extra swing to her hips as she walked. Win’s dad was an elite athlete and her mom was distantly related to some type of royalty and had done some modeling when she was young. Win was genetically destined to have natural rhythm and grace. Her ass didn’t sway so much as waltz. The cop didn’t stand a chance. He turned and watched as we strolled past.

Since the incident at school almost a month ago, my dad had hired off-duty police officers to provide security whenever I was out in public. So far the protesters hadn’t bothered me again, but he wasn’t taking any chances. It was a toss-up which I hated more, having police follow me around or the risk that I’d be mobbed by a group of sign-waving protestors. Win, on the other hand, didn’t mind the police protection at all. She kept calling it the badge buffet.

“Hey!” We spun around to see who was yelling. Josh. With
all the people at the show, he’d had to park down the road. He jogged toward us. The cop looked ready to tackle him and stepped between us. Maybe he thought it would impress Win if he pulled some ninja moves. Josh held up a hand. “Easy, I know them,” Josh said.

“Never saw this guy in my life,” Win said. She couldn’t keep her expression neutral and started laughing. I waved off the officer so that Josh could jog closer.

“Could you try not to get my boyfriend shot?” I asked.

“Did you see how he was ready to leap into action? I like that in a guy.” Win winked at the cop.

“Premature trigger action is not attractive,” I pointed out. Josh ran over and spun me in a circle. I whacked Josh on the back. “Put me down.”

Josh backed up and pulled a small square of white plastic out of his pocket. He held it aloft and looked disappointed that I didn’t fall over in shock.

“What? You have a pretend credit card? Call me when you get the real thing,” Win said. “Provided it’s platinum, of course.”

“It’s not a credit card; it’s a key card,” he said.

That’s when I saw the small NT logo in the corner. My stomach tightened. “You got the internship.”

Josh pumped his fist in the air with a whoop. Harry tossed his head as if he were celebrating along with him. “I got the call this morning, and then the company had a package couriered over to my house. I got a lab coat too.”

“Way to go, nerd boy,” Win said. She smiled at me. We both knew what a big deal it was for Josh even if none of us would expressly say it. Win liked to give him a hard time, but she was happy for him. This wasn’t a part-time job at a coffee shop; it was his ticket out of his life. Josh was a scholarship student at Saint Francis. Most everyone at our school lived in gated communities with full-time gardeners. Josh lived in a small house in a neighborhood that was decorated with chipped garden gnomes from Walmart. He’d been accepted to Stanford. He’d applied for all kinds of grants and scholarships, and there were always student loans, but he’d been sweating how he’d cover everything. Going out of state was expensive, and he wanted to go all the way to med school, so he had a lot of years to cover. With a wave of my dad’s laser pointer, those worries had just gotten a lot easier.

“So are you going to be washing floors?” Win asked. “Do you have to wear a hairnet, polyester uniform? Ooh, is your name sewn on your fancy lab jacket?”

He smirked at her. “No. The internship is designed to give me some practical experience. It’s going to be great exposure to the business. I’ll be checking people in who come for the procedure at the clinic, recording their vitals, sending out follow-up surveys, and doing a bunch of data entry.”

“Look, he’s getting a data boner,” Win said. Josh laughed.

“I’m happy for you,” I said, convincing myself. I was glad
he’d gotten the position, but I didn’t like that he’d be spending more time with my dad. It wasn’t that I wanted to break up with Josh, but lately it felt like even if I did, it wouldn’t be possible. It was if our lives had become enmeshed and everyone expected us to be together forever. How do you break up with someone who is also one of your best friends? Who works with your dad? He pulled me close and we kissed. I pushed the negative thoughts out of my head. Expecting fireworks with someone I’d been dating for two years was ridiculous. I should have been happy that we got along as well as we did.

The squawk of the PA carried out to the field.

“They’re announcing the winners,” Win said. “Let’s go get you a first-place ribbon.”

“Then we’re going out to celebrate. Dinner is on me,” Josh said.

“He’s got a job for a day and he’s already a big spender.” Win pulled her jacket back on and turned to head to the arena.

I leaned against Harry’s warm flank and turned my face up to the sky, letting the spring sun beat down on me. I wanted to enjoy the moment.

* * *

The groom loaded Harry into the trailer. I stepped up on the wheel, and Harry poked his head into the slot so that his nose bumped me.

“Good job, big guy.” I stuck my hand through the slats and rubbed him.

“You’re giving that horse a better good-bye than you gave Josh,” Win said. “Hurry it up, I want to go to dinner. I’m starving.”

I jumped down and brushed my hands off on my pants, ignoring what she said. “I got lucky taking first place with that missed gate.”

“Even for you perfection might be asking a lot.” She put her hands on her hips and rocked back. “Good news about Josh, huh?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

She arched one perfectly plucked eyebrow.

“It
is
good news. I’m happy for him,” I said. Win couldn’t stand when there was any tension between Josh and me. She said our relationship was the only proof she had that true love existed. No added pressure or anything.

“It’s a good thing your dad likes him. Dads are programmed to hate their daughters’ boyfriends. Don’t worry. The two of them working together will be fine.” She smiled. “C’mon, I hear onion rings calling my name.”

I
was
happy for Josh. I just wished I could sort out how I felt about our relationship. It seemed I should either want to break up with him or be happy we were together, but I felt like I was stuck in the middle and unable to commit to either side. It was going to take more than onion rings to sort it out.

chapter four

T
he sound of the phone ringing woke me up. I pushed the covers down to see the clock. It couldn’t have been for me, because no one I knew would have been up that early. Win always said I slept like a prairie dog. I liked to burrow down under all the covers, pulling them completely over my head. It wasn’t even seven a.m. Who called that early on a Sunday morning? Even God wasn’t up at that hour.

I reached over and touched the giant first-place blue ribbon I’d won yesterday. Later I’d take it down to the stables and mount it on Harry’s stall door. I could tell he liked them; he knew he was a winner. He had this way of strutting into the barn with a
LOOK AT ME NOW!
trot. Maybe I’d take him out for a ride, too, a chance to stretch his legs.

There was a rustle outside my room. My mom popped her
head in. Her face was pale without any makeup. She looked surprised when she saw me awake. She stood outside my room as if she was reluctant to come in. It wasn’t that my mom and I didn’t get along, but there wasn’t any risk people were going to confuse us with those moms and daughters who were best friends.

“You’re up,” she said.

“I’m hoping it’s a temporary condition.” I yawned. “The phone woke me.”

She crossed the room and sat down on the edge of my bed. She picked up one of the throw pillows that had fallen to the floor and pulled off some lint. Her lips were pressed into a thin pale line.

“Is everything okay?” I should have known a call this early was bad news. I couldn’t think of what it would be. My grandparents had died either before I was born or when I was really little. Both of my parents were only children, so there weren’t groups of cousins or aunts and uncles to worry about. There are some advantages to having a small family. I wondered if the protestors had done something to the Neurotech office.

“That was Laura on the phone.” She placed her hand on my leg.

My heart seized in my chest. I wanted to ask what had happened. A fire at the barn? A break-in? I couldn’t pull any air into my lungs to speak. It was like they’d turned to lead.

“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry, but Harry died.”

I heard the words. They slid across my mind, but I refused
to let them stick and start making sense. I took short shallow breaths, the way I did when I had the flu and was afraid I might throw up.

“What—” My voice cut off as my throat tightened, squeezing off the words before they could come out.

“They’re pretty sure it was colic. Laura found him this morning.”

Colic kills horses all the time. They can’t vomit, so if something doesn’t digest well, it goes bad quickly. The pain in their gut causes them to thrash around. Their intestines twist and then burst. It’s an ugly and awful way to die. If you catch it early, you can walk them around to keep them from rolling and a vet will give a huge dose of castor oil, but if it’s not caught, it’s deadly. My throat hitched picturing him in pain and all by himself with no one around. He shouldn’t have had to be alone.

I flung the covers off. “I have to go to the barn.” I knew it was ridiculous, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that the whole thing must be a mistake, or some kind of horrid joke. I knew horses died of colic, but this wasn’t just a horse; this was Harry.
My
Harry.

Mom backed up so I could get out of bed. My legs were shaking as I stood. I yanked on a sweatshirt over my tank top. I didn’t bother to look for my jeans. No one would care if I went in my pajama pants.

“You don’t need to go. It might be better if you remember him the way he was.”

She didn’t know me at all if she thought I was going to stay here. I ran my hands through my hair and hoped it wasn’t sticking up too badly. My hands were shaking. Harry. My sweet Harry. “Can I take the car?”

She sighed. “Give me two minutes; I’ll drive you.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to. You don’t have to do this alone.” She stepped forward and hugged me. I held stiff for a moment—we weren’t a big huggy family. Then I buried my face in her cashmere robe. She smelled like toothpaste and the jasmine perfume she always wore. I started to cry, and she squeezed me tighter. “Your dad will want to come too.”

I pulled back and looked at her. My dad wasn’t great with emotion. It wasn’t that he didn’t care, but he was a total engineer. He wanted to fix things. I wasn’t ready for him to launch into how I could get another horse and start planning on how to make that happen in the most efficient way possible.

Mom saw my expression and must have known what I was thinking. “I’ll talk to him. We’ll meet you downstairs in a few minutes.”

Neither of my parents were horse people. My mom was afraid of them, but my dad just wasn’t much of an outdoorsy guy. He preferred sterile labs to barns. He claimed he had all kinds of allergies to grass, hay, and flowers. We all knew they were excuses to avoid being outside. My dad liked that I rode. He had a picture of me in my riding gear on his desk at work
and would tell anyone who would listen that I was going to be in the Olympics someday. Me having a horse was sort of like his Rolex, a sign he’d arrived. Show riding wasn’t cheap, and the only thing my dad liked more than money was other people knowing he had money.

We didn’t talk at all on the way over to the stable. My dad turned up the news radio he liked so the silence didn’t seem so suffocating. I boarded Harry at Hampton Mews. There was another stable just a bit closer, but Hampton Mews was known as second to none. Their trainers were nationally ranked, and they decorated the best barn with brass nameplates on each of the stalls, and the floor was covered in fake bricks that were made of rubber, which was better for the horses’ legs.

The car crunched over the gravel drive, almost coasting to a stop in front. I stepped out of my dad’s BMW. The smell of fresh-cut grass and horses filled my head, and I started to cry. Laura was standing by the barn door. I could tell she’d been crying too; her eyes were red and swollen.

“I should have walked him longer,” I said, putting my biggest fear into words. What if I hadn’t given him enough of a cooldown? Somehow all of this must be my fault. I’d let him down.

Laura gave me a fierce hug. “Don’t you dare blame yourself. He must have gotten sick after we left last night. This happens. It sucks and it’s awful, but it isn’t your fault.”

“Can I see him?” I searched my memory, trying to recall if
there had been anything out of the usual yesterday. Why hadn’t I come back to the stables after the competition? I’d gone out for dinner with my friends instead. I’d been laughing and joking when he died, and I hadn’t even known.

Laura nodded. She put her arm around me and led me into the barn. There were a few grooms there, polishing tack and mucking stalls. When they saw us enter, they stood silently off to the sides, like an honor guard.

I stopped just outside his stall. Harry lay there, completely still. It seemed he’d always been in motion. If there had been any doubt in my mind this was real it, was gone now. I reached out and touched his side. He was cold, and whatever life force had made him Harry was long gone. I knelt down by him and placed my head on his side. His hair prickled my skin. I’d known that someday he would die, but it had seemed like something remote and almost impossible. Horses can live thirty years, so I had just assumed I would have him much longer. I understood that at some point I would need another horse for jumping when he got too old, but I’d been so sure we had more time. I’d thought that when he eventually died, I would be ready in some way. I’d thought I would see it coming. I’d thought he would slow down and get older and give me time to get used to the idea. I’d never pictured him going this way. It felt like a knife in my gut. Sharp and unexpected.

It was as if a trapdoor had opened under my feet and I just kept falling.