Remember (9 page)

I stared at Neil and Trey, but neither of them said anything. I could feel my face getting red. “Well, thanks for seeing me,” I said.

“Now that you know where I live, don’t be a stranger,” Neil said.

I smiled stiffly, hoping that my expression communicated that I didn’t have any plans to show up here ever again. I’d come because he was the only one I could think of who might have the answers I needed. I was glad he hadn’t tried to kiss me. I shut the door behind me. I told myself that I didn’t care what Trey had meant by the “Is she . . .” comment. I didn’t care if Neil had been talking about me to his friend. It didn’t matter what he said.

I didn’t care. Much.

chapter fifteen

W
in’s mom opened the door. She looked like she could have been walking down Fifth Avenue in New York instead of having a Saturday night at home. She was wearing fitted black pants and a white blouse that looked so crisp it seemed you could grate cheese on the pressed seams. If I’d been wearing that shirt, it would have been all rumpled from the day and most likely would have had something spilled down the front.

“Winifred, Harper’s here.” I loved Win’s mom’s accent. When she said my name, it sounded like “Hopper.” It was like having the Queen of England announce you.

Win stood at the top of their giant staircase and waved me up.

“Hey, Bryne. Good to see you.” Win’s dad came out of the kitchen holding a bottle of beer, which looked impossibly small
in his grasp. His hands were the size of baseball catchers’ mitts. He called everyone by their last name. Win said it was a sports thing. It was your last name or some weird nickname.

“You girls want to watch some baseball?” Win’s dad had a giant projection-screen TV and a cable package that ensured he never missed a single sporting event anywhere in the world. Including things like darts and lawn bowling that no one else watched.

Win’s mom gave a dismissive sniff and walked past him. He followed her out of the room without waiting to see if we were interested in the game or not.

“What’s up with that?” I asked Win at the top of the stairs as I followed her back to her room.

“They’re fighting again. My dad found a suspicious e-mail from some guy that goes to my mom’s gym.” Win tried to sound bored and disinterested, but I could sense the tension.

“Do you think the e-mail means she’s cheating?” I asked. I really hoped her mom wouldn’t be that stupid, but it wouldn’t have been the first time.

Win shrugged. “Why they fight about it anymore is a mystery to me. He had to know it would happen again. It’s apparently impossible for her to hang around a guy unless he’s chasing her. She lives for attention. Why bother being mad about it if you’re not willing to do anything? I’m sick of them having the same fight. You’d think they’d be tired of it too. I wish someone would tell them that I’m the one who is sup
posed to have all the drama in my life. They’re supposed to be the boring parents.”

I sprawled across Win’s bed. Her room was bigger than Neil’s entire apartment. She sat at her desk, her legs folded under her and her braids tied up in a silk scarf. I told her about my trip and my talk with Neil. One of the things I liked best about Win was that when it was important, she really listened. She didn’t listen with only one ear while planning what she’d say next. She gave the other person her full focus. As soon as I stopped talking, she turned to face her computer.

“The guy wasn’t joking about being off grid.” Win clicked through several screens. “He’s not on any social media sites, no blog, and has zero Google presence. It’s like he’s in the witness protection program or something. The only thing I can find on him is a picture on his college’s website. His name is listed in a photograph of the school’s social justice program.” She squinted at the screen. “He’s kinda cute in a naughty rebel way. I didn’t notice when he was outside the school.”

I blushed. “I don’t care that he’s cute.”

Win rolled her eyes. “Sure.”

“I don’t,” I protested, although I was happy Win thought he was good-looking.

“Fine. You’re above all of that. I, on the other hand, am a shallow bitch and can’t help but notice that he’s easy on the eyes.” She pursed her lips in a kissing motion at the screen. “I love me a naughty boy.”

“Hold your hormones back for a moment and focus. What do you think about what he said?”

Win spun her desk chair so she was facing me and propped her feet up on the mahogany hope chest. “Which part?”

“Do you think people are tracking everything we do online?”

“Sure. Our phones have GPS. Your parents can download an app that will tell them wherever you, and your phone, happen to be. Companies are tracking all sorts of things. I mean, tell me you don’t think it’s random that when you go online you get ads for shoes and horse equipment instead of bladder control devices and support hose? They track what you click on. They probably know more about you than I do. The real question is if it matters.”

I sighed. “Does it bug you? The idea that people are spying on you? Manipulating what they know to sell stuff?”

“Sure, but it doesn’t bother me as much as not having access to my phone.” She shrugged. “Part of life.”

“I don’t like it,” I said.

“How do you feel about the part where there’s something dodgy about Harry?” Win asked. “Either the groom you met up with is lying or delusional, or your memory is seriously screwed up.”

“I don’t think the groom is delusional. He knew Harry; he’s not confused.”

“Is it possible your parents had Harry for years and you were wrong about getting him for your birthday?”

I rolled over so I could face her. “But I do remember it. I can picture it in my head perfectly.”

“Do you? Or is it a story that everyone’s told you so often it feels like a memory? My parents have told the story a thousand times about how when I was just three I stripped naked at my grandmother’s garden party in front of Princess Anne, who was there. I’ve heard that story so often it’s almost like I can remember it. That it was hot, that I didn’t like the itchy dress, stuff like that, but I don’t know if I really remember it or not. Maybe someone told you that story and eventually it felt like it was real.”

I tossed one of her throw pillows in the air and caught it while I thought it over. “Could be. Of course, there’s still a problem—either I have a totally false memory in my head or someone told me a story enough times to make me think it’s a memory. Either way it’s pretty messed up.”

“Not a random someone. Your parents would have to have been involved; otherwise they would have told you that never happened.” Win’s face was serious. “Do you want to fool around with this? Do you really want to know?”

I sat up. “You think I should ignore it? Just pretend everything’s fine?”

“Almost everything
is
fine. We’re talking about stuff that happened when you were a kid. And not really important stuff. Does it matter if your parents had Harry before you were born or got him when you were six?”

My mouth opened to protest and then shut with a click.
Did it matter? The fact that I had a false memory seemed like it should be a big deal, but maybe I should ignore the whole thing. “Why would they lie about it?”

Win scoffed. “Who knows why parents do half the shit they do? They may have a good reason, or something they thought was a good reason at the time.”

I thought about what she said. “What if this isn’t the only thing they lied about?”

Win crossed the room and flopped down next to me on the bed. “Don’t take this the wrong way, okay?”

It’s been my experience that no good conversation has ever started that with that line. It’s what people say right before they insult you, but you have to take it because you already promised not to get mad. I waved for her to continue.

“Life has all sorts of nasty bits. Things we don’t want to think about. Things we wish didn’t exist.”

“I know that,” I huffed.

“You know it, but you don’t
know
it. Look, you get that there is still racism, but you’ve never been followed around in a store just because you’re black. You can say it’s a horrible thing, but you can forget about it sometimes.”

I opened my mouth to argue.

“It happens to me. Even if I want to ignore it, I can’t. It doesn’t matter how I dress, or talk, or the fact I’ve got my dad’s platinum card in my purse. To those people I’m just some black girl in their store. There are people who hate other people
because they’re gay. They don’t know them. Don’t want to know them. They prefer not to, because if they took the time to get to know those people, they might have to confront the fact that they’re bigoted assbags. You and I can think it’s horrible, but somebody like Andrew Shield? He has to know it. He has to think before he goes out that if he looks too flaming, he runs the risk of someone beating him up.”

I swallowed down a wave of nausea. Andrew was one of the few people in our school who was openly out. He’d transferred to our school because he’d been beaten up in the bathroom at his old school. The first few weeks he’d had a black eye and stitches in his lip. No one said anything about it. We acted like we didn’t notice, because it seemed like the most polite thing to do.

“Andrew knows there’s hate. He has to factor that knowledge into everything he does. He can’t just hold hands with his boyfriend without wondering what kind of trouble that might cause. That’s different from you and me being aware that it happens. Personal knowledge is different. It changes how you do things. How you see the world. There’s all kind of ugly in this world, but when you see it up close, once it happens to you—you have to deal with it. You can’t ignore it even if you want to.”

Her words were sharp and pointed. I wanted to cover my ears or bury my head under her pillows to hide from them. “I know,” I said in a small voice.

“The thing is, if you unearth something nasty about your parents, you can’t go back. You can’t
un-know
it.” Win looked
concerned, maybe even a bit scared for me. “How bad do you want to know the truth? You need to think before you do anything else.”

“But—”

“Seriously, do you know what I would give to not know the details of what’s happened between my parents? I wish I hadn’t snooped to figure out what was going on with them and could tell myself that it was a fight about something stupid like the water heater. Now I know my mom’s a cheater and my dad puts up with it. Think about it before you dig further. If you go digging around, you might just find out something you wished you never knew.”

“Would you do it? Would you want to know?” I picked at my thumbnail.

Win closed her eyes. “Maybe.” She opened her eyes and looked at me. “Don’t go thinking that means I think it’s a good idea. I just don’t learn from my mistakes. All I’m saying is that you’ve lived this long without knowing what was going on; if you sit on this for a few days while you think it over, it won’t matter.”

“I’ll think about it,” I said.

We sat silently for a moment. “I don’t know about you, but I think better with ice cream.” Win winked.

I smiled. “Me too.”

She grabbed my hand and we ran downstairs.

chapter sixteen

I
ce cream has a lot of benefits in addition to calories. Alas, it doesn’t solve all problems. I kept replaying my conversation with Win on a loop in my head, trying to figure out what I wanted to do. A huge part of me wanted to go back in time to before any of this had happened. When my biggest problem was trying to figure out if I was in love with Josh or with the idea of being in love with him and if I had the guts to end it or if I would just ride it out until we went off to college. I got the idea that maybe if I could sort out that first problem, other things would start to fall into place. Whatever I felt for Neil was confused with everything else that had happened. I wanted to get back to how I used to feel for Josh, when things made more sense.

I flung the door open and kissed Josh.

He took a step back. “Wow. Do you greet everyone at the door like that?”

“Of course. Why do you think the UPS guys fight over who gets to deliver here?” I’d taken extra time and made sure my hair and makeup were perfect. Maybe the distance I’d felt with Josh lately was about the fact that we were too used to each other. I needed to make an effort.

“It’s the muscles they get from carrying heavy packages, isn’t it?” Josh winked.

I leaned in so I could whisper. “Honestly, it’s that I’m crazy about those brown shorts.”

“I’ve missed you,” Josh said.

“I’ve been around.”

“Around, but busy.”

“Well, you’ve got my full attention now.” I slipped out of his hug and headed down the hall to the kitchen to grab my bag. I hadn’t told him about my trip across state. Part of it was that he’d be mad that I hadn’t taken him with me. Then there was the fact that I’d seen Neil again, and I knew how he’d feel about that. That was one of the problems with dating Josh. We’d gone out for so long that I knew what he thought of things before we even had the discussion. If I actually told him, it would be like I’d have to go through the whole thing twice, and once in my head was enough. Win was right. I needed to give myself some time. If I decided to do any more digging, I’d talk to Josh, but until then there wasn’t a point.

“I checked out some movie times,” I said. I tossed my shades in my bag on the off chance that the sun bothered to come out.

Josh went into our fridge and pulled out a carton of juice. He held it up to see if I wanted any. I shook my head, and he reached into the cupboard to get himself a glass.

“It comes down to if you’re in a thriller mood or more comedy.” I smiled. “After, I thought we could grab some food and maybe take a drive or something.” I went to wink at him so he’d know what I meant by the “or something,” but he was busy looking in our pantry for a snack. Seduction is hard when they’re more interested in a jar of mixed nuts. I was getting a sinking feeling my fancy bra wasn’t going to get a chance to show off.

“I talked to your dad; he mentioned the idea of all of us going to Maker Faire down at the science center today.”

I deflated. “Your idea of us going out on a date was to double with my mom and dad?”

He looked over and noticed my outfit for the first time. “I didn’t know it was a date date.”

“Well, you’ve been saying how we haven’t been hanging out much, so I thought that was the point. Not doing something with Win and Kyle. Just us. I wasn’t thinking we’d spend time with my parents instead.”

“But it’s Maker Faire.”

I stared at him blankly.

“You know. People show up who make stuff. Last year there were the guys who did the robots and the other guy who made
that laser light thing.” He could see in my expression I wasn’t impressed. “Remember, you liked the people who were doing the metal forging.”

“I remember it.”

“C’mon. Admit it. It was fun last year,” Josh said.

It had been fun. Not like WOW-I-can’t-believe-how-much-fun-I’m-having fun. It was more seeing how excited he and my dad were. They loved things like that. Anything that looked like it could earn its own Discovery Channel special was right up their alley, and Maker Faire was full of that stuff. Smart people making weird things in their basements and garages. “All right, I wasn’t going to say anything, and leave you thinking there was only a thriller or a comedy to choose from, but there’s even a science fiction movie option,” I said, trying to tempt him.

Josh laughed. “Holding out on me, huh?”

“Consider it more me trying to broaden your horizons.” I held my breath. Josh loved science fiction flicks. I wasn’t crazy about them, but I was crazy for the idea of having time alone with him. How was I supposed to find the spark in our relationship? Parents and romance didn’t go together.

“The thing is, I pretty much already told your dad we’d go with him and your mom.”

I froze in place. “I wish you’d talked to me before you made plans with my dad.”

Josh kissed my cheek. “I didn’t set out to make plans. We were talking about work stuff and it just came up.”

I nodded and suddenly pretended to have a huge interest in the matching salt and pepper shakers my mom had on the counter. “Of course, your very important job.”

Josh took a step back at my tone. “I get that it isn’t glorious, but it beats making fries at a fast food joint. You might not find this stuff interesting, but it’s what I want to do.”

The
and I’m lucky to be doing it after what you did
hung in the air. I didn’t know if he intended it to sound like an accusation, that it was my fault he’d almost lost the internship, but that was how it felt.

I sighed. “Sorry. I’m being cranky. I know the job is a big deal. I wanted to spend the afternoon with you. Just us. Things have been . . .” My brain searched for the right word to describe how I’d been feeling. Ever since Harry died, it was as if the entire world was out of gear. It wasn’t that my feelings for Josh had changed so much as it felt like our relationship was stuck in neutral. Not moving forward, but not moving backward, either. It had been coming for a while, but now it seemed glaringly obvious. It wasn’t that I didn’t like him, but I worried that I should like him more than I did. It seemed like we’d already drifted apart. We were almost more friends than anything else. That couldn’t continue. We had to fix things or walk away. “Things have been off,” I said.

“You’ve been through a lot lately. Everything’s going to be fine.” Josh put his arm around me and pulled me close. I let my head rest against his shoulder and breathed in his smell—a
combination of Zest soap and the woodsy cologne he always wore.

“Road trip!”

Josh and I sprang apart as my dad barreled into the kitchen.

“Hope I’m interrupting something,” Dad joked. He punched Josh playfully in the arm and Josh laughed. I didn’t.

“You guys ready to go?” Dad rubbed his hands together. “I made a reservation at Travolata for later. They’re doing a roast pig tonight.”

“I don’t really feel like pork,” I said.

“You love their communal Sunday feasts.” Dad didn’t even look at me when he said it. Instead he grabbed a small bottle of Pellegrino out of the fridge for the car.

“I don’t want a big heavy dinner.”

“It’s not the restaurant,” Josh clarified. “Harper was hoping to do something else this afternoon.”

Dad’s eyebrows drew together. “You don’t want to go to Maker Faire?”

I felt a layer of enamel grind down as I clenched my teeth together. It wasn’t that Josh was wrong, but he didn’t have to point out that it had been my idea not to go. Would it have been impossible for him to say that
he’d
changed his mind and decided he wanted to do something else?

“I was in the mood to go to a movie. We could do Maker Faire some other time,” I suggested.

My dad’s shoulders dropped. “It’s only on for the weekend.
It’s over after today.” He looked like an eight-year-old who’d just discovered there was no Santa Claus.

Josh shot me a glance. Even without him saying anything, I could hear him in my head.
Are you sure you don’t want to go? Look how bad your dad wants us to.
My resolve was faltering. It was clear what Josh wanted to do. Maybe the two of them should go together and just leave me at home.

“This doesn’t have anything to do with how you’ve been feeling, does it?” Dad looked into my eyes. “You’re not having trouble with being in crowds?”

“How I’m feeling?” My glance slid over to Josh, who was suddenly very interested in his shoes.

“Now, don’t be mad at him. He was just worried about you.”

What part of
I don’t want to tell my dad
had been confusing for Josh? He still wasn’t looking at me.

“I’m feeling fine,” I said.

“I’ve still gone ahead and made another appointment for you to come back in. No arguing this time. I let you back out of the earlier appointment, but now we’re going to be sure. I want to have everything checked over by my team.”

“I’m fine,” I repeated. My throat felt tight, as if I was about to cry.

“Maybe, but I don’t think either of us wants to take a chance with our favorite girl,” Dad said. Josh nodded and smiled next to him.

“Now, with that cleared up, are you guys in for Maker Faire
or not?” Dad smiled. “They’ve got robots,” he said in a singsong voice.

I forced myself to press my mouth into a smile. “Sure.”

Dad high-fived Josh. “Now we’re talking. I’ll get the car and scare up her mom. We’ll hit the road in ten.”

As soon as he walked out of the room, I whirled around and faced Josh. “Are you kidding me?”

He held up a hand as if he thought I was going to rush him. “I was worried. I didn’t plan to say anything to him about our conversation; it sort of came out.”

“How do you say something like that by accident?” I shot a look over my shoulder to make sure my dad wasn’t sneaking back up on me.

“I asked him about side effects from the procedure. If he knew of any people having trouble with what felt like new memories. As soon as I said that, he guessed I was asking about you. He’s not mad.”

I put a hand on my hip. Josh hadn’t spent the past week mucking out stalls.

“Okay, he was ticked when he first heard. And he had every reason to be; what we did could have caused a huge amount of trouble. But more than being ticked, he was worried.”

“I don’t want to go back to the clinic. I’m fine,” I said.

Josh hugged me. “Then there’s no reason not to go back. You have to trust us.” He smiled and took my hand, leading me out to join my parents.