Remembrance (30 page)

29

The morning that Brad left for Seoul, Serena felt unusually nervous. She had funny little cramps in her left side, the baby's feet had jabbed her all night. Vanessa had cried repeatedly at breakfast, and just before Brad left, Serena had to fight an almost overwhelming urge to burst into tears again, as she had ever since he had told her he was leaving. Again she wanted to beg him not to go, but surrounded by orderlies and assistants, and sergeants and brass, and Vanessa and Teddy, she didn't feel she could do it. He knew how she felt, and he had insisted he was going.

“Well, Doctor.” He shook hands with his brother. “Take care of my girls for me. I'll be back in a few days.” He was playing it down, after all the hysterics with Serena.

“Yes, Colonel.” Teddy's eyes were teasing, but nonetheless he looked worried. There was something about Brad going to Korea that made him desperately uncomfortable too. But like Serena, he felt that this was neither the place nor the time to discuss it.

Serena kissed Brad longingly on the mouth, and he teased her about her big belly. She was wearing a big flared blue gingham dress and sandals, and her soft blond hair hung down her back. She looked more like Alice in Wonderland than an expectant mother. Vanessa waved to her daddy as he went up the ramp, and a moment later the plane was high in the sky, and Teddy ushered them to the gate and drove them home. Serena took Vanessa upstairs for her nap, and came down a few minutes later, her eyes worried, her face strained, as it had been for days now.

“You okay?” She nodded, but she was strangely quiet, and then she decided to confide in Teddy.

“I'm so nervous, Teddy.”

He looked at her for a minute, wondering if he should tell her that he was too, but he decided against it. “I think he'll be fine.”

“But what if something happens?” Tears sprang to her eyes again and Teddy took her hand with an air of quiet confidence.

“He'll be fine. I just know it.”

But when the phone rang the next morning, Teddy had an eerie premonition as he sprang to answer it. He moved almost by reflex, as he did whenever he was called to the wards in school, but now as he held the phone he had a sudden urge to slam it down before he could hear anyone speak.

“Hello?”

“Is Mrs. Fullerton there?”

“She's still sleeping. May I help you?”

“Who is this?”

There was a pause. “Mr.—Doctor”—he smiled'—”Fullerton. I'm Colonel Fullerton's brother.” But the smile had already faded. He had a terrible feeling in the pit of his stomach.

“Doctor.” The voice sounded grave. “I'm afraid we have bad news.” Teddy held his breath. Oh, God … no.… But the voice went relentlessly on, as Teddy felt nausea overwhelm him. “Your brother has been killed. He was shot down north of Seoul early this morning. He was in Korea in an advisory capacity, but there was a mistake—”

“A mistake?” Teddy suddenly shouted. “A mistake! He was killed by mistake?” And then in terror, he lowered his voice.

“I'm terribly sorry. Someone will be coming out to see Mrs. Fullerton later.”

“Oh, Jesus.” Tears were pouring down his face and he could no longer speak.

“I know. I'm very sorry. They'll be bringing his body home for burial in a few days. We'll bury him here, with full military honors, at the Presidio. I imagine his family will want to come from back East.” They had just come for Teddy's graduation, and now they would be coming back for Brad's funeral. As the realization hit him Teddy slowly hung up and the tears began to roll down his face. He dropped his face into his hands and sobbed silently, thinking of the big brother he had always looked up to, and of Vanessa and Serena. And then as though he sensed something, he looked up and saw her standing in the doorway.

“Teddy?” She looked terribly pale and she stood very still, as though her whole body were tense and straining.

For a moment he didn't know what to do or say. It was not unlike the moments before he had delivered her baby. And now, as he had then, he pulled himself together, and walked quickly to where she stood, put his arms around her, and told her, “Serena … it's Brad …” He began to sob. His big brother was gone. The brother he loved so much. And now he had to tell Serena. “He's been killed.” Her whole body was tense and then he felt her slump against him.

“Oh, no …” She stared at Teddy in total disbelief. “Oh, no … Teddy … no.” He led her slowly to a chair and eased her into it as she stared at him. “No!” And suddenly she put her hands to her face and began to whimper, as Teddy knelt before her, tears streaming down his face as he held her. When she looked up at him again, he had never seen eyes so bleak. “I knew it… before he left… I felt it … and he wouldn't listen.” Sobs wracked her as they cried, and then suddenly he saw her stiffen as her eyes went to the doorway. He turned to see what she saw, and there, watching them, in her nightgown, was Vanessa.

“Where's Daddy?”

“He's still away, sweetheart.” Serena wiped her tears with her hands and held her arms out to her daughter. But as the child climbed onto her lap with a look of concern, Serena was overcome and Teddy couldn't bear to watch them.

“Why are you and Uncle Teddy crying?”

Serena thought for a long moment, her eyes flowing freely, with the child in her arms, and then she gently kissed Vanessa on the soft golden curls and looked at her with wisdom and sorrow. “We are crying, my darling, because we have just had some very sad news.” The child watched her mother with wide, trusting eyes. “And you're a big girl so I'm going to tell you.” She took a deep breath, and Teddy watched her. “Daddy isn't coming back from his trip, my darling.”

“Why not?” She looked shocked, as though they had just told her that Santa Claus was gone forever. And for Serena and Vanessa, he was now.

Serena steeled herself and attempted to speak calmly. “Because God decided that he wanted Daddy with Him. He needed Daddy as one of his angels.”

“Is Daddy an angel now?” Vanessa looked amazed.

“Yes.”

“Does he have wings?”

Serena smiled, as fresh tears sprang to her eyes. “I don't think so. But he's up in heaven with God, and he is with us all the time now.”

“Can I see him?” The child's eyes were enormous as she asked and Serena shook her head.

“No, my darling. But we will always remember him and love him.”

“But I want to see him!” She began to cry and Serena held her tight, thinking the same words … and they would never see him again … never … he was gone forever.

Later that morning several officials came to see her. They gave her all the details she didn't want, made a formal little speech about how he had died in the service of his country. They explained about the funeral and told her that she could stay at the Presidio for another thirty days after that, as Serena tried to understand what they said and felt that she understood nothing.

“Thirty days?” She looked at Teddy blankly. And then it dawned on her. The Presidio owned their home, and now she no longer belonged to the army. She would get a small pension, but that was all, she had to go out into the big world and learn to live like a civilian. Gone the protected little dream world of the forests of the Presidio, hanging over the bay, and being protected by her husband. It was all over for her now. And the real world was waiting out there to devour her. She remembered also, as did Teddy, the paper that her mother-in-law had made her sign at the very beginning, and by the next morning Teddy had discovered that his brother had died intestate. He had left no will, so that everything he had reverted to his family. There would be nothing for Serena, or Vanessa, or the new baby. The implication of what lay before her was so overwhelming that Serena lay awake for two nights, staring at the ceiling. He was gone … he was never coming back … Brad was dead. She repeated it to herself over and over and over. She opened the closet doors and saw his clothes there, there were even shirts in the cupboard downstairs that needed ironing. But he was never coming back to wear them, and as the realization hit her again, she knelt on the laundry room floor, clutching his shirts and sobbing. Teddy found her there and led her slowly upstairs, where they discovered Vanessa looking tiny and stricken, hiding in Brad's closet. She had climbed into Teddy's lap and with big sad eyes had asked him, “Now will you be my daddy?” They were all aching with the strain and the misery, and by the third day Teddy noticed a total change in Serena. She moved as though she were in a daze, not understanding, barely thinking, and suddenly midmorning he heard her give a shout of pain. Almost as if he sensed what had happened, Teddy ran in to find her in her bedroom. Her water had broken. She was already doubled over on the floor in unbearable pain. But this time was different from when she had had Vanessa. This time there were no breaks in the pains at all, and by the time she reached the hospital, she was hysterical. The baby had not come in half an hour. Teddy had run Vanessa to a neighbor, and he had watched Serena closely before the ambulance came, and on the ride to the hospital. This time her pulse was thready, her breathing tortured, her eyes glazed. She went into shock in the hospital, and an hour later her son was stillborn. Teddy sat in the waiting room for several hours until he could see her, and when he did, he was overwhelmed by those once emerald eyes, now a deep sea filled with pain. She was so deep in her own misery that she didn't even hear him call her name.

“Serena.” He reached for her hand. “I'm here.”

“Brad?” She turned glazed eyes toward him.

“No, it's Teddy.” Her eyes filled with tears and she turned her face away.

She was still like that the next morning, and two days later when they discharged her. And that morning they had to bury her son in a tiny white coffin, which they lowered slowly into the ground as she fainted. The next day they brought home Brad's body, and she had to go to headquarters and sign papers. Teddy thought she would never make it. But somehow she did, as she signed the forms with a look of horror that almost overwhelmed him.

And through it all there was Margaret Fullerton to contend with too. Serena had insisted on calling her herself, and there had been no scream of anguish from Brad's mother. There had been only unbridled fury and a sense of revenge, as she blamed Serena for what had happened. If he hadn't married her, he wouldn't have stayed in the army, and he would never have gone to Korea. With a voice trembling with rage she vented her grief by attempting to destroy Serena, and at last she reminded her venomously of their contract.

“And don't think you'll get a dime from me, for you or your child. I hope you both rot in hell for what you did to Bradford.” She slammed down the phone, and Serena cried unconsolably for two hours. And it was then that Teddy felt the same hatred for his mother that he knew Brad had. All he wanted to do was protect Serena, but there was nothing he could do to change what had happened. Brad was gone, leaving no will, and even if he had left one, it would have been small comfort to Serena. She wanted her husband back. She didn't want the money.

When Margaret Fullerton arrived from New York, she brought Pattie and Greg with her. Brad's father was still too ill to make the trip, and in any case, under doctor's advice, they hadn't told him the awful news.

Teddy picked up the threesome at the airport. His mother looked rigid and grim, Greg seemed in a haze, and Pattie nervously chatted on the way in from the airport. The only thing his mother said on the drive into town was “I don't want to see that woman.” Teddy felt his guts seethe.

“You're going to have to. She's been through enough without you torturing her further.”

“She killed my son.” Her eyes were filled with hatred. “Your son was killed in Korea on a military mission, for God's sake, and Serena just lost a baby.”

“Just as well. She couldn't have afforded to support it now anyway.”

“You make me sick.”

“You'd do well to stay away from her, Teddy, unless you want trouble with me.”

“I won't do that.” Nothing more was said and he left them at the hotel and went back to Serena.

At the funeral the next day Margaret stood with Pattie and Greg, and Teddy stood between Vanessa and Serena. Vanessa seemed not to understand what was going on, and her mother kept a clawlike grip on Teddy's hand throughout the military honors. At the end they handed her the folded flag, and slowly Serena turned, walked to where Margaret stood, and held it out, with trembling hands, to Brad's mother. There was a moment's hesitation as their eyes met and held, and then the older woman took it from her, saying not a single word of thanks. She handed it to Greg and then turned and walked away, her face concealed by a black veil as Serena watched her.

Teddy drove Serena and Vanessa home after that and he glanced at his sister-in-law as she blew her nose.

“Why did you do that?” She knew he meant the flag. “You didn't have to.”

“She's his mother.” Her eyes filled with tears as they met his, and suddenly she put her head on his shoulder and she sobbed. “Oh, God, what am I going to do without him?” He stopped the car and then took her in his arms and held her as Vanessa watched them.