Authors: Bernard Langley
Pete awoke to find that he was on fire.
“
Arghhh
!”
h
e screamed, clearly being on fire was not something he was enjoying.
“
Hang on
,”
shouted Slip above his cries
,
“
this’ll work
.”
Slip had grabbed a fortuitously positioned fire extinguisher, and aiming the nozzle at Pete’s burning body, then pulled hard on the trigger.
“
Arghhhhh
!”
Pete screamed even louder, as he was suddenly showered with an assortment of deadly snakes, which then also set on fire and started biting him with flaming jaws.
“
Oh, the
extinguisher has some small print here
,”
replied Slip apologetically
,
“
caution, may contain snakes
.”
“
Help me
!”
he yelled
, oblivious to Slip’s discovery.
At that instant, Crinkle appeared out of nowhere, wielding a large bucket of water, and without stopping to say hi, subsequently poured the bucket over Pete, putting him out with a large hiss of smoke.
“
Snakes, biting
,”
said Pete, who was still obviously in an amount of pain.
“
Oh stop being such a big girl
,”
she rep
lied, kicking the last few smoking
snakes away from his torso.
“
Thanks
,”
huffed Pete
,
“
Crinks
.”
“
Where did you get the water babes
?”
a
sked Slip.
“
Oh, I was drowning in it when I awoke
,”
she replied nonchalantly.
“
Yeah
this place sucks
,”
declared Slip
,
“
where are we anyway
?”
At that moment, a previously unnoticed door flew dramatically open, and from it stepped Dinkle Mormid.
“
Where are we you ask
,”
he began
,
“
of all the idiotic non-sequiturs to ask, you are the reason that we are here, and for the life of you, you have no idea where we are! You disgust me! You are nothing more than a bumbling oaf, who careens through his life, crashing into other people, causing them suffering and pain, while you go on your m
e
r
r
y way, oblivious to your trail of wanton destruction
!”
“
Hey buddy
,”
replied Slip, taking literally nothing to heart.
“
So where are we then Dink
?”
a
sked Pete, who had recovered his wits enough to wonder where they all were.
“
We’re in prison
,”
he answered
,
“
mind prison to be exact
.”
“
Mind prison
?”
queried Crinkle.
“
That’s right
,”
he replied
,
“
well in fact we’re not really here at all, instead we’re
in
one of Spanks holding facilities, where we are all strapped up and plugged into the Sentencer.
”
“
The Sentencer
?”
q
ueried Slip.
“
The Sentencer is how the guilty are punished. The idea behind it was to re-educate the prisoner in the most cost-effective way. What this ultimately boiled down to was, jacking every felon into a mighty super computer, where they then served out their sentence being virtually tortured, by anything nasty that the programmers devised
.”
“
That explains the snakes
,”
remarked Slip.
“
And my almost drowning
,”
put in Crinkle.
“
Doesn’t explain the penguin though
,”
said Pete pointing at a cute little penguin that had suddenly appeared in the doorway from which Dink had just stepped.
“
Fishy
?”
a
sked the penguin in a squeaky, childlike voice.
“
Everyone step away from the penguin
!”
o
rdered Dink in a t
e
r
r
ified voice.
“
But he’s only a little fellow
,”
Slip replied, taking a step toward the apparently harmless penguin.
“
Fishy
?”
it repeated, with big, innocent eyes.
“
I’m warning you
,”
stressed Dink
,
“
that penguin wants nothing less than to harvest our souls for his dark penguin purpose
!”
“
No fishy
?”
s
queaked the penguin, with sadness breaking in its voice.
“
I’m sorry lil’
guy
,”
said Slip, bending down to tap the bird reassuringly on the head
,
“
we haven’t got any fish for you
.”
The penguin looked confused for a moment, then distraught, then something seemed to occur to it all of a sudden.
“
FISHY
!”
y
elled the penguin, and suddenly lunging quite ferociously between Slip legs, then bit him.
“
Oh my
!”
s
tated Crinkle, finding the whole affair difficult to watch
,
“it’s bitten Slip on the… “
“
Penguin
!”
Slip shouted in agony
,
“
arghhh! Help
!”
“
I told you so
,”
Dink told them so
,
“
should have listened to me shouldn’t you, but no, cute little harmless penguin, well now look at you, he’s bitten you on the…
“
“
Dinkle
,”
Pete cut him short
,
“
that really isn’t helping matters! Okay hang on Slip, I’ve got an idea
.”
“
What have you got in mind Pete
?”
a
sked Crinkle.
“
Well you’ve heard of fighting fire with fire right, I reckon we fight evil penguin with deadly snakes
,”
he
answered reaching for the fire extinguisher.
“
Okay, this may smart a little
,”
he went on, aiming the extinguisher at the penguin and pulling the trigger.
Suddenly the penguin was showered in deadly snakes, and relinquishing its apparent fishy, then made a speedy exit back through the door from which it had entered.
“
Nice work dude
,”
praised Slip who no longer had any animal attached to him.
“
Anytime
.”
“
Oh Pete
,”
put in Crinkle
,
“
what about all the snakes
?”
“
Oh
yeah
right
,”
he remembered
,
“
well you’ve heard of fighting evil penguin with deadly snakes, I now propos
e we fight deadly snakes with…” h
e paused for a moment to gather his thoughts, before declaring
, “…
Run away
!”
And that said Pete, Slip and Crinkle ran away.
Dinkle Mormid was left alone with the snakes, but after a few well selected foot stomps, he was soon the only thing
there left
living.
“
Those idiotic fools
,”
he began eerily to himself
,
“
I will have my revenge. First they cost me my hand, then my job,
then my girlfriend,
and now they think nothing of the fact that I’m sharing a jail
sentence with them! What am I?
A punch-bag? A faithful ass? Did they just wake up one morning and decide over breakfast that they would ruin my whole life?
!”
He paused for a moment to vent his anger on some already-perished snakes that loitered about his feet. Then wiping reptile goo
from his shoes, went on.
“
As God is my witness, I make this promise today, that I will destroy this renegade gang! Even if it takes the rest of my life, even if I have to destroy everything else in the universe, even if I have to become the Co-leen Emperor himself to do it
!”
Mormid then pulled out his hand, which he had conspicuously kept lodged in his pocket since waking up in the Sentencer. No longer did he possess a so-called fishing rod where his hand should have been, but instead, glistening black in the virtual light, was a handgun.
“
Hang on guys
!”
he shouted
after the gang, stuffing his new
murderous
hand back into his pocket
,
“
wait for me
!”
“
So he knows about the shears
,”
began King Slip to his Queen
,
“well,
I’ll just have to make sure that this knowledge goes with him to Davy Jones locker
!”
“
Oh come now Slip
,”
she replied
,
“
surely it won’t be necessary to kill him, he has already been banished from the king-tank after all
.”
King Slip and Queen Crinkle were alone in the palatial hall. The queen was currently at rest atop some exquisitely gilded algae, whilst the King swam back and forth across the hall like some
perpetual underwater yoyo. The King
was clearly ill at ease.
“
But if he knows about the shears
,”
he went on
,
“
why hasn’t he come for them yet? If he knows of the power they possess, then surely his first reaction would be to possess them at literally any cost
!”
“
Now
,
now my King
,”
she replied
,
“
if we are entirely honest, then we would have to say that we don’t even know anything about the power they possess, nor do we know what the Shears of Salamaloo actually do
!”
“
Nonsense
,”
he disagreed
,
“
why, the Shears of Salamaloo are the most powerful shears in the whole king-tank
!”
“
They’re the only shears in the whole king-tank
!”
“
Yes, but their power is obvious
!”
“
Okay, what do they actually do then
?”
s
he asked, not expecting an answer.
“
What do they do?
!”
s
coffed the King
,
“
why what don’t they do
!”
“
Okay
,”
she replied under-whelmed
,
“
what don’t they do then
?”
“
Nothing
!”
d
eclared the King, the very bastion of misplaced confidence.
“
Fine, prove it
.”
“
Erm
,”
he replied
finally
at a loss
,
“
I would, except the palace gardens are already looking so lovely.
”
“
So you’re telling me that the sacred Shears of Salamaloo, do nothing more than merely prune shrubbery
?”
s
he asked incredulously.
“
Of course not
,”
he replied
,
“
that’s just one of the many wonderful things they can do, and perhaps the one thing most befitting their appearance
.”
“
Okay, what else
?”
“
The sacred Shears of Salamaloo can
,”
replied the King, pausing for thought
,
“
on top of being very good at topiary, and general foliage maintenance
,”
he added insistently
,
"
can…
“
“
Slip
,”
she int
er
r
upted.
“
What is it Crinkle
, I’m telling you all the amazing things the shears do
!”
“
You don’t know do you
.”
The King paused in his swimming to and fro, then holding her g
aze for a moment or so, replied:
“
No, not the fishiest
.”
“
At last
,”
she said, clearly relieved
,
“
so what exactly is so precious about them then
?”
“
To be honest Crinks, I really don’t know
,”
he replied.
The Queen looked suddenly puzzled, as though she had seen a ghost, and that ghost had then asked her what she thought about quantum theory and how that may relate to what she had for breakfast that morning.
“
That’s what you used to call me
,”
she said at last
,”
you used to call me Crinks
.”
“
Did I
?”
r
eplied the King, un-astonished by the news
,
“
well, what of it
?”
“
Can’t you see, something is very wrong here, it’s as though none of this is how it should be!
“
“
Don’t be ridiculous, whatever are you on about?
”
“
The shears Slip
,”
she appealed adamantly
,
“
it’s all because of the shears
!”
“
But we don’t even know what they do
!”
“
I do
,”
said Fendel, who suddenly appeared out of nowhere.
“
Fendel, where in the king-tank
have you been hiding
?
!”
e
xclaimed King Slip, startled by his quite sudden appearance.
“
My King
,”
he greeted them, bobbing down as he spoke
,
“
my Queen
.”
“
Damn it
,”
growled Slip, put out at his evasiveness
,
“
how much have you heard
?”
“
Oh, I’ve heard everything sire
,”
he answered candidly.
“
So you know about the shears too now
!”
“
Oh I already knew all about them
,”
he replied
,
“
more than both of you put together
.”
“
Really
?”
s
aid the King
,
“
tell us then, or I’ll have your head
!”
“
All in good time Slip
,”
he replied casually, reaching beneath his cloak
,
“
all in good time
.”
“
You dare to address your King in this way
!”
“
Well it is your name after all
,”
put in Crinkle, forgetting herself.
“
Crink
’s right Slip
,”
agreed Fendel
,
“
you really should
try
listen
ing
to her more
.”
“
How dare you
!”
shouted the King outraged
,
“
both of you
!”
“
Oh take a chill pill Groovy
,”
Fendel went on
, pulling out a harpoon gun from a concealed inside pocket, the
same weapon he had used to murder his brother
earlier that morning.
“
Hey easy tiger
,”
said Queen Crinkle, her eyes fixed rigidly on his trigger finger.
“
Now have I got your attention
?”
“
Yes
,”
she replied earnestly.
“
And how about you, King Ding-a-ling
?”
he asked, pointing the gun at Slip.
“
Yes, yes
,”
Slip replied quickly, his anger have long since changed to fear.
“
Good
,”
announced Fendel
,
“
now that I have your combined attention, there are a few matters that I think we need to discuss, before I kill you both
.”
“
Just tell us what you want
,”
growled Slip, dropping his regal airs.
“
I will
,”
he replied
,
“
but before I do, I think it best that you both know that what I am doing, I am doing for your own good
.”
“
Killing us for our own good huh
?”
remarked Crinkle sarcastically.
“
Yes
,”
he said
,
“
and I would kindly remind you that this harpoon gun is loaded, and also that I am an excellent marksman
.”
“
You mean marksfish dufus
,”
put in Slip.
“
I know what I mean
,”
he replied unfazed.
“
Come on then Fendel mint cake
,”
coaxed Crinkle, surprisingly unperturbed
,
“
tell us what you
think
you are doing
.”
“
Well my queeny weeny
,”
he began
,
“
it has of late, come to my quite remarkable attention, that existence has gone wrong. What first aroused my suspicion, was a rather impossible memory that I had never in fact learnt to swim. And by this, I do not mean to present some nature/nurture dilemma, but instead the raw fact that I cannot swim
.”
“
Ridiculous
!”
scoffed
the King
,
“
you’re a fish
!”
“
But what if I’m not
,”
he replied instantly
,
“
what if none of us are
?”
“
Preposterous
!”
rebuffed the King
,
“not fish,
I’ve never heard such nonsense! Why it’s borderline treason
!”
“
Not treason Slip
,
but rather,
”
he paused as he imagined
how
a great detective might, before continuing, “reason.”
“
He’s got a point Slip
,”
put in Crinkle
,
“
what if we aren’t fish and none of us are meant to be here? I mean I’ve always wanted to travel, and I can’t for the life of me recall whatever possessed me to marry you, no offence meant
.”
“
None taken
,”
squeaked Slip in a voice so tiny, even he barely heard it.
“
You see
,”
said
Fendel excitedly
,
“
now you realize why both of you have to die
!”
“
Erm back up a cycle Fends
,”
said Crinkle uncomprehendingly
,
“
so let’s just say that you are right and that reality has gone wrong. You propose to fix this by shooting us both with your harpoon gun
?”
“
Yes
.”
“
And why exactly are you going to do this
?”
“
Because reality is wrong
.”
“
I think you’re skipping a wee bit there
,”
she replied patiently
,
“
why would killing us make reality right again
?”
“
Oh I see
,”
he answered finally getting the point
,
“
good question, very good question
.”