Authors: Bernard Langley
“
Thank you
,”
she said clearly relieved.
“
Now prepare to die
,”
he went on, raising the harpoon gun for the kill.
“
But you didn’t answer the question
!”
p
rotested Slip staring down the barrel.
“
And you’re still alive
!”
h
e barked back, placing his finger eagerly on the trigger.
It now appeared that Fendel was very presently going to execute King Slip and Queen Crinkle in the understanding that this would provide a quick fix to reality. Taking aim so that the harpoon would lodge convincingly between Sli
p’s eyes, he started to squeeze
the trigger.
“
Wait
!”
s
houted Pete, who suddenly rode in the palatial hall, r
iding on top of Ben the shark.
44
.
“
Where are we
?”
a
sked Slip, who was now huffing and puffing after running for so long.
“
Dunno dude
,”
said Crinkle unhelpfully.
“
Maybe we can stop running now
,”
suggested Pete, as they reached a dead end at the end of a nondescript corridor.
The Renegade trio were currently trapped in the Sentencer, a virtual torture chamber where the villains on Spank were digitally punished. Though each of them knew that what they were currently experiencing was not in fact real, and instead an electronic-synaptic distortion created by a machine they were all hooked up to, this in no way seem to assuage the tremendous feelings of t
e
r
r
or
that
they were al
l fundamentally in the grips of currently.
“
What can you see Pete
?”
a
sked Slip, who was a little way behind.
“
There are
three doors here
,”
he replied.
“
Hmm three doors for three people
,”
mused Crinkle.
“
What about Dink?”
asked Pete, looking past Slip to see if he had caught up.
“
He’s mental
,”
replied Slip
,
“
he’s so mad he makes me look practically boring
!”
“
Slip’s gotta point Pete
,”
said Crinkle
,
“
perhaps it’s best if we make our own way on from here, minus one Dinkle Mormid
.”
“
That’s got more vote
,”
agreed Slip
,
“
so these doors, anything more to add
?”
“
Erm no not really
,”
replied Pete
,
“
oh hang on, there’s some writing on them
.”
“
Okay, read away
.”
“
The first one says
,”
he began, squinting to see better in the virtual light
,
“
certain death
.”
“
Good start, what’s next
?”
Slip asked hurriedly.
“
Okay, the next one reads
,”
said Pete, moving closer to read the words of the next door
,
“
abandon hope all ye who enter here
.”
“
T’riffic
,”
said
Slip
rolling his eyes
,
“
third time’s a charm
?”
“
The last door reads
,”
Pete replied
,
“
fate worse than death
.”
“
Well that’s just fab
,”
said Slip
,
“
certain death, fate worse than death, and abandon hope doors! Just brilliant, who’s for ordering a cab
?”
“
We could go back the way we came
?”
suggested Crinkle.
“
Back to the snakes and penguins, and that fishing hand loon? I don’t think so Crinks, and as we’re here now, it would be almost rude not to take a peek
.”
“
Okay Slip, which door then
?”
a
sked Pete.
Slip paused for a moment, as though performing some astronomical mental arithmetic, when in actuality he was pondering which flip flops would go best with his cowboy hat, before replying:
“
All of them
!”
“
Off you go then
,”
proposed Pete
,
“
we’re right behind you
.”
“
Three doors, three people, you do the maths
!”
“
I would ex
cept my calculator’s solar powered, and you’re facing me
!
”
rebutted Pete.
“
I’ll take fate worse than death
,”
began Slip, ignoring the slight
,
“
Crinks does abandon hope, and you do certain death
.”
“
Or
,”
Pete suggested
,
“
you could take fate worse than death, then you could do abandon hope, and to round it off nicely, you could finish on certain death, whilst Crinkle and I wait here discussing the merits of applied democracy
.”
“
Come on Pete
,”
put in Crinkle
,
“
it does make sense if we split up
.”
“
That’s right Crinkle cakes, we’ll cover way more ground if we do it my way
!”
Pete paused to
look
glum for a moment, before replying
,
“
fine, but remind me to say I told you so later
.”
“
Top man
,”
praised Slip
,
”
”right, last one in is a homo
sapien
!”
And that said, he
yanked open the door marked
“
Fate worse than death
”
, and literally dived in.
“
After you
,”
offered Crinkle politely.
“
No
,
no
,”
declined Pete
, “
be my guest
.”
So, looking less than ent
hralled at the prospect, she
then opened the door with
“
Abandon hope all ye who enter here
”
, and walked
trepidly
through it.
“
Certain death
,”
mulled Pete to himself, entering the remaining door
,
“
wonder if I can get a burger
?”
Fendel lowered the harpoon gun, so that it was no longer levelled at the King’s head, and waited as he was told.
“
Good
,”
said Pete, dismounting Ben the shark
,
“
now, I think we should all have a little chat, as me and my friend Ben here, have a few things we would like to talk about
.”
“
Yeah
,”
agreed Ben emphatically
,
“
a few things
!”
“
Fine by me
,”
said Slip, simply relieved at no longer having to face
an
imminent harpoon-in-the—
face
death.
“
Why should we trust you?!”
s
pat Crinkle
,
“
everyone knows that shark’s not to be trusted
!”
“
What, Ben?
”
replied Pete taken aback
,
“
oh he’s just misguided, father issues you know
.”
“
Daddy never loved me!” d
eclared Ben all of a sudden.
“
Fascinating I’m sure
,”
said Fendel, meaning anything but.
“
Whatever you happen to think, or think you think, or indeed, imagine that you think that you should believe
,”
began Pete sounding confident
,
“
it’s nonsense
!”
“
You’re nonsense
,”
said Fendel simply.
“
Has he tried to kill you
?”
Pete asked.
“
Yes
,”
they replied.
“
Keeps harping on about the sacred shears
?”
“
Wouldn‘t shut up about them
.”
“
Then
,”
concluded Pete dramatically
,
“
we arrived just in time
!”
“
Yes
,”
agreed Fendel, raising the harpoon gun again
,
“
just in time to die
!”
“
Hang on a mo
’
Fends
,”
replied Slip
,
“
we’ve got a shark on our side now
!”
“
A neurotic shark with pater problems
!”
“
He’s still got a bite
!”
t
hreatened Pete.
“
We’ll see shall we
,”
began Fendel
,
“
oh Ben, can you help me rewire this plug here, I think the fuse has blown
.”
Ben the shark looked confused for a moment, then broke down so completely, that a new word like
“
madmadmad
”
would have to be invented to categor
ise him properly from then on
.
“
Cruel Fends
,”
remarked Crinkle
,
“
neat going, punching a shark when he’s already down
!”
“
Yeah
,”
agreed Pete forlornly
,
“
everyone knows that it’s your Dad who shows you how to rewire a plug
!”
“
I can do it
!”
shouted Ben through the tears
, who had somehow got hold
of
a plastic bucket and spade and was wielding them both determinedly at Fendel.
“
Its okay Ben
,”
said Pete in a soft voice
,
“
put down the bucket and spade, the nasty fish was only joking
.”
“
I wasn’t joking
,”
replied Fendel seriously
,
“
and for the last time, I’m not a fish, none of us are!
”
“
What do mean, not fish
!”
said Pete appalled
,
“
I suppose next you’ll be saying that all of this is fiction, some idle fantasy devised by some twisted individual
!”
“
Let me ask you something Pete
,”
began Fendel
,
“
what do you remember prior to the day before yesterday
?”
“
Well
,”
he answered, thinking hard on it
,
“
what do you want, specific events, general moods?
”
“
Anything
.”
“
Well
,”
Pete went on, going red now from the mental strain
,
“
nothing
,”
he said at last.
“
And what do you think that means
?”
p
robed Fendel further.
“
That I’ve got the memory of a fish
?”
he replied deadpan.
“
Or
,”
suggested Fendel
,
“
that we’ve all had our memories erased
!”
“
Nonsense
!”
put in Slip.
“
Okay
,”
Fendel continued
,
“
what about that faulty plug over there, we’re all fish right
?”
“
Right
.”
“
And being fish, we live underwater
yeah
?”
“
Yeah
,”
they agreed.
“
Does nobody think it the tiniest bit suspect then, that we have electrical plu
gs here, when we all live under
water
?”
“
Oh right, like we should be harnessing the power of the ocean instead sorta thing
?”
asked Pete, shooting so wide of the mark, that it could no longer be called a shot in itself, and has now been officially reclassified as an attempt without aim.
“
No
,”
he replied
,
“
like the fact that electricity is dangerous, and water and electricity is doubly dangerous, and we apparently live with them both
,
in
altogetherly-too—
close prox
imity
!
”
“
It is somewhat suspect when you think about it
,”
obser
ved Crinkle,
swimming to the other side of the hall, w
here there was no electric socket.
“
And do you want to know the real kicker is
?”
Fendel went on.
“
Yes please
,”
said Slip.
“
What puts the most magnificent ch
er
r
y on an already really rather lovely cake
?”
“
Go on
,”
urged Crinkle.
“
What signs, seals, delivers, dots every i, and crosses quite literally all the t’s
?”
“
Just tell us
!”
s
houted Pete.
Fendel paused for a moment, as a matador might compose himself before waving forward his bovine friend in the time-accustomed tradition. He eyed all of them in turn, and then, seemingly deciding upon the finality of something in his head, delivered the most important news since the big bang.
“
We’re the Renegade team
!”
h
e declared finally.
“
We’re the what
?”
asked Slip, deeply unimpressed.
“
The Renegade team
,”
he repeated
,
“
the most listened-to pirate radio station in the entire universe
!”
“
Nah, say what
?”
a
sked Slip again.
“
We are not fish
,”
he repeated again, slowly this time
,
“
we are the Renegade team, the most listened-to to radio station in the whole wide universe
.”
“
Not getting it Fends, start at the beginning
,”
said Slip, unhelpfully trying to help.
“
You are not King Slip, fishy ruler of the king-tank
,”
he said even more slowly
,
“
your name is Slip
McGroovy
,
and
you are the main macdaddy, pop pushing, disc jockey on Reneg
ade T
M. Queen Crinkle is actually your number two, your Mona to her Lisa sorta thing. His name is Pete Martin
,”
he said pointing at him
,
“
he’s a suicidal homo sap from the Milky Way galaxy, and it really isn’t that clear what he actually does, or if
indeed he actually does anything yet
!”
Pete took that opportunity to compose pithy rebukes in his head.
“
And my name is Fendel, and I really don’t belong here
,”
he finished.
“
Yeah
, well your face belongs here
!”
shouted Pete angrily.
Some time pass
ed until the moment
to speak again seemed proper, like someone had broken wind in a lift, which is wrong on so many levels.
“
Your Fendel
,”
he resumed
,
“
I have already killed, I am in fact anot
her Fendel from a parallel universe
, and it is my aim to save you lot, before returning to my rightful place and saving my lot, understand
?”
“
Your face understands
!”
“
Stop it Pete
,”
said Crinkle
,
“
you’re really not helping matters
!”
“
I understand
,”
said Slip all of a sudden
,
“
you’re coco loco
!”
“
I assure you that I am as sound as a pound
.”
“
A pound of what
?”
a
sked Pete bemused.
“
A pound of the most rational doctors working on a new syntax for a most correct and mathematically sound, logical predicate
.”
“
You’re face…”
“
Look
,”
int
e
r
r
upted Crinkle
,
“
I agree that there is something odd going on, but is it totally necessary to kill us
?”
“
Yes and no
,”
Fendel began
,
“
we are all here because of the shears of Salamaloo, which we were forced to use to escape the shark there known as Ben, who was at the time, quite set on eating us
all
.”
Ben the Shark made no response.
“
Before that we were all trapped in the after-after life know
n
as Hupa Hool, were I slowly reunited all of you, and further saved my own this-galaxy-self from the clutches of Ben over there, who was then an old man living alone in a hut in the woods, and neither of the sharks he was yet to become, follow
?”