Authors: Bernard Langley
“
Wait
,”
he appealed again
,
“
not Father no, we were room-mates at college! Remember we used to play Risk together
!”
“
Don’t buy it, going now
.”
“
Okay
,
okay, not that, I’m your greengrocer!
Pound your bananas, two pound your pairs
!”
“
Please stop
,”
Pete replied, making his way to the door.
“
I’m someone you sat opposite once on the train
!”
Mormid shouted desperately as Pete opened the door to leave.
“
Goodbye Mormid, let’s never do this again
,”
and that said, he
closed the door behind him, leaving Dinkle Mormid to whatever fate God had planned for him.
Pete closed the door on Dinkle Mormid, and having walked through it, found himself back on the bridge of the Humdinger.
“
Erm…
“
“
Time machine remember
,”
aided Fendel casually.
“
And…
“
“
Matter transporter
,”
put in Slip
,
“
don’t like to use it though, as more often than not it will reassemble your atoms backwards
.”
Pete took a moment to check his physicality, and
after
deciding that he was indeed the right way round, breathed a loud sigh of relieve.
“
Keeping you up
?”
a
sked Crinkle annoyingly.
“
No
,”
he replied
,
“
that was relief, not tiredness
.”
“
Whatever
,”
she went on
,
“
how’s your pal Mormid
?”
“
He’s not my pal Crinks
,”
refuted Pete
,
“
he was just someone I felt sorry for, okay?
!”
“
Well your sympathy almost got us all killed back there, and now we’re right back where we started
!”
“
She’s right dude
,”
agreed Slip
,
“
we should have killed him when we had the chance. Now when we return to our timeline, he’s still going to be looking for us, probably even more vigorously after all that
.”
“
Look
,”
argued Pete
,
“
the plan was never to kill him. We tried to make him see the
e
r
r
or of his ways, least, we attempted to see if he might take up fishing, and we failed on both counts. Okay, that plan may not have worked,
so what we need now is a plan B
.”
“
I’ve got a kazoo
!”
a
nnounced Slip.
“
Okay
,”
replied Pete encouragingly
,
“
and how’s that going to help
?”
“
I’ve got a kazoo
,”
he repeated
,
“
that’s it
.”
“
Anyone else
?”
Pete went on, a little downhearted already.
“
How about we return to our timeline and then hide in a place he’d never find us
,”
suggested Crinkle.
“
That could work
,”
he replied
,
“
and what place do you suggest we’d hide exactly
?”
“
Oh it’s totally off the map, so remote that it’s very existence is a question mark, so unvisited that to arrive there would be a milestone in the history of achievement
!”
“
Brilliant Crinks
,”
said Pete excitedly
,
“
so where is it, what is this place
?”
“
Your brain
,”
she answered deadpan.
Pete realised this was going to be tough. It had been his idea to go back in time and convince the younger Dinkle Mormid to turn towards the light, and give up his dreams of universal conquest. Now that they had failed, it was almost like they had arrived for a fireworks display, only to be told that due to a health and safety issue, all fire had been removed from the event, though not to worry, for they had an unusually shaped carrot they could have their photo taken with instead.
“
I know what to do
!
”
announced Fendel suddenly.
“
No don’t tell me
,”
replied a dejected Pete
,
“
I could dig a very deep hole, fill it with furniture, and then live in it
?”
“
No
,
that’s not it, though not bad for a back-up plan
!”
“
Go on Fends
,”
reassured Crinkle
,
“
ignore him, he’s just feeling sorry for himself
.”
“
Well we’ve still got the time machine right?
!”
began Fendel
,
“
so I propose we use it again. I’ll go back in time to the point when Slip activated the transplant device, and make sure that Mormid doesn’t end up with his fishing rod hand this time. Meanwhile, Slip goes to Mormid’s workplace and explains to his boss that he’s going to be late for work that day because Auntie Mormid has had a fall and he’s taken her to hospital. Crinks then arrives at exactly the point he’s leaving hospital and announces that he was the millionth transplant patient, and as a result has won a lifetime’s membership to Fisher-leen
©
, the weekly Journal for the disce
rning Co-leen angler
. Once he starts reading his new Journal, he’ll be hooked
!”
“
Don’t
!”
warned Slip.
“
He’ll forget all about his desire of universal subjugation and take up fishing as planned, one could say we have him hook, line and sinker
!”
Slip then took the opportunity to punch Fendel nonchalantly in the face.
“
Leave off him Slip
,”
int
er
r
upted Crinkle
,
“
it’s a good plan
!”
“
Well count me out
,”
said Pete
,
“
I’ve had enough of time travel, think I’ll have a brew
.”
“
Suit yourself
,”
replied Fendel
,
“
Slip, Crinks, hold onto the orb, time travel in five, four, three, two, one
.”
And that said, the trio winked out of existence, leaving Pete alone onboard the Humdinger
,
wishing it had a kettle.
“
I wonder how long…
“
“
Hey buddy
,”
said Fendel, w
ho suddenly appeared out of nowhere directly behind him, along with Slip and Crinkle.
“
You’re back already
!”
“
Yep
,”
said Slip, offering very little in the way of enlightenment.
“
Well how did it go? Is Mormid a reformed diehard fisherman now
?”
“
Let’s just say, he never wants to go skiing again
,”
answered Crinkle.
“
You transplanted his foot didn’t you Slip?
!”
accused Pete.
“
More like feet
,”
Slip replied, sounding thoroughly pleased with himself
,
“
can’t see why he was so angry afterwards, I guess some people are never happy
.”
“
Oh well that’s just fab
,”
said Pete sarcastically
,
“
you really are a bunch of morons aren’t you! I mean all this technology and power, and all you seem to be able to achieve is more mess! All you do is make matters worse, I thought you guys would help me save my planet, when in fact all you’ve done is anger the guy responsible for its destruction even more! I’ll be lucky now if he doesn’t destroy me, my planet, and probably just for good measure, my entire solar system
!”
“
Take a chill pill Petey
,”
replied Slip, utterly unm
oved by his sudden outburst
,
“
we’
ll just go to plan C
.”
“
There is no plan C you giant cretin
!”
shouted Pete.
“
Then what are we going to do next
?”
asked Fendel.
“
God knows
!”
said Pete.
“
Does he
?”
asked Crinkle.
“
Does he what
?”
“
Does God know
?”
asked Crinkle again.
“
Erm
,”
Pete stalled for a moment
,
trying to wrap his addled brain round the question, before replying
,
“
yes I suppose he does
.”
“
Well that settles it
,”
put in Slip
,
“
we’ll go and see God
.”
“
We’ll what?
!”
replied Pete, finding the concept a little slippery to grasp.
“
If God knows what we should do, then we’ll go and ask him
,”
repeated Slip.
“
What like praying
?”
asked Pete innocently.
“
No
,”
interjected Fendel
,
“
these sorts of things should be done over coffee! Don’t you know anything?
!”
“
Yes
,”
lied Pete.
“
Set course for heaven Crinks
,”
ordered Slip
,
“
we’ve got a man who
needs to see about a God
!”
And so the Humdinger went into warp
(Fendel had restored the propulsion core)
, and as the Renegade gang settled down to get some well warranted sleep, only Pete paced the bridge uneasily, wondering how humanity was fa
i
ring in his own timeline.
“
I can’t believe I’m going to meet God! I mean, if anyone can sort out this mess then he can! What if he doesn’t like me? What should I wear? What if I say something completely inappropriate, like the time I asked for my vichyssoise to be heated up at that posh restaurant?! This is almost too much to bear! How should I address him, your magnificence, your mighty, your goodness? Should I bring a gift? I’ve still got that Tolberone I bought on the f
er
r
y, everyone likes Tolberone
!”
This went
on for many rotations
late into the night, and when Pete did finally manage to fall asleep, his last thought was whether he was actually worthy to stand in the presence of God, and that the task of saving humanity was perhaps one, he simply was not deserving of.
Dinkle Mormid sat alone in his readyroom, smoking a radiation roll-up, and contemplating his next decisive move.
“
So they got away
,”
he said out loud to himself
,
“
they went back in time to convince my younger self to take up fishing and forgo my path to emperor of the universe! What blind fools! All they did is strengthen my resolve
!”
He looked down at his artificial hand and feet, and remembering, it seemed like only yesterday when he had instead a fishing rod and pair of skis implanted there. Mormid was mostly artificial now, he had been ruler of the Co
-leen for over a thousand circuits
, and over time, his biological body had withered away and died. The only thing left that belonged to his former self was his multi-dimensional chin, the one thing that distinguished his species from humanity, and the one thing which he could rightly feel was still Dinkle Mormid. Before he had time to imagine the next t
er
r
ible revenge fantasy he would exact upon the Renegade gang, the door opened and in walked one of his minions.
“
Sorry to int
er
r
upt your devilish scheming sire
,”
began the minion
,
“
but I need orders as to what we are intending to do to the human’s planet
.”
“
Ah yes
,”
remembered Mormid
,
“
it had entirely slipped my giant mind. What are they calling it again?
“
“
Earth sir
.”
“
Earth
,”
he repeated, as though trying out the word, as he might some exotic desert for the first time
,
“
I have to say, I’m not remotely impressed so far. Now although it may not be entirely befitting to destroy the planet without it having been properly defended by a representative, it must be remembered that the said representative chose to run off with a gang of criminals, criminals who then venturing back in time, try to pervert my younger self and imbue me with an entirely inappropriate love of fishing
!”
“
Disgusting
!”
spat the minion.
“
Indeed. So I think in this instance, expedience is the dish of day, and your orders are to start warming up the massive plasma canon, as we have a planet to annihilate
!”
“
Excellent your fiendiness, I shall report back when the canon is ready
.”
replied t
he minion, before leaving him
alone again.
“
So, I shall have my revenge in parts
,”
declared Mormid to his own reflection in a monitor screen
,
“
the first of which will involve destroying the planet of one Pete Martin. Part two will consist of the long and drawn out executions of Pete, Fendel and Crinkle, and the grand finale will then be quite simply the leisurely removal of every limb currently occupied by one Slip
McGroovy
!”
He
took a moment to savour the dastardliness of his design, then sitting back in his multi-chair after putting the settings to bath time, he added more bubbles and imagined he was a pirate emperor on a quest to slay a beautiful princess.