Resistance (17 page)

“What's wrong with having a little faith in what you're feeling in your heart? Why be so afraid?” I ask. I set her down softly, but keep a strong arm wrapped around her waist
, crushing her to me from chest to hips. Her smile. I feel it in my belly. Her caramel eyes are the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen but when they’re warm and her lips turn up into a smile, making her whole face warm, it’s almost too much to take. Her face falls as she lets my words sink in.

“I don’t have faith in life
,” she answers brokenly, “and I can’t answer your questions. They aren’t secrets being kept from you, they’re questions that
have
to stay unanswered. Please, Sawyer, I’m doing this to protect you.”

“You think I need protection? From you? Pepper, I promise I would never let you do anything to harm me or yourself. I will protect you from all your demons, real or imaginary.”

She sighs, resting her head on my chest.

“I still can’t tell you anything.”

“I don’t know if I can live with that. But for now I’m willing to try, on one condition.”

Her face lights up with delight as she clutches my arm
.

“Shoot.”

“Stop the drugs. Bentley’s right, it’s like you’re trying to kill yourself.”

Her face blanches and her eyes snap shut while she inhales
.

“
All the dangerous things make me feel alive. Just for a little while. It’s like a flash flood of
feeling
something. Without that, life just seems corrosive. We’re all headed for the grave anyways.” Her words scorch my heart. I can’t imagine having such a bleak outlook on life. Although, if I did, I suppose I’d want to get baked daily, too. Or worse.

“Pepper.” I search for something to say but she shakes her head, suggesting this portion of the conversation is over. She scrutinizes me in silence as we both eye each other
.

“I will stop everything but my bourbon if it makes you more comfortable
,” she announces sincerely. Relief sweeps through me. It’s a start.

“Fair enough
,” I chortle at her conviction. “I mean, we all have one vice in life. I’m not asking you to do anything but show some moderation.” Leaning down, I cup her face and kiss her lightly. She kisses me back tenderly, but with a deep, underlying passion. I need her to be lying down in bed with her legs wrapped around my waist. Before I do something stupid, I turn towards the front door. It’s definitely my time to leave.

“Stay
,” she says.

“What?”

“Stay the night. Please.” Her eyes are innocent and pleading with my own. How could anyone say no to her?

“I’m not sleeping with a gun under the pillow.” I arch a brow at her. She titters passively but stands
, motioning for me to follow her.

“Fair enough
,” she chirps, allowing a small smile to grace her lips.

Chapter 19

I lie down on the bed next to her. She sets the pistol on her nightstand, kills the light, and rolls to face me. My eyes adjust to the semi dark room. The nearness of her body makes my body sizzle, and the warmth from her body makes me woozy. This day has been too long and too dramatic for me but there is so much that needs to be said.

“Pepper
,” I start. My voice sounds dry and crackly. She sighs.

“I know. This is why I push you away
,” she answers.

“You don’t have to
, though. Things make a little more sense now that I know you’re in witness protection.”

“Do they
, though? Because I wouldn’t have been able to tell you that if tonight hadn’t happened. My life is all lies, Sawyer. I’m in danger, maybe. I've been struggling. I don't know how to live a normal life. I don't know how to move on. I want those things, but as you can see it's almost impossible to forge true friendships or relationships when you're living a lie. I don't want to memorize a cover story. To pretend to be someone else. The guilt eats at me, Sawyer. It eats me up knowing that you have this whole, complete life and that to have me in it means concealing who I actually am. It hurts. It reminds me that I can't have what I want. That I can't have what you have." Her voice is furious with regret.

“Don’t say that. You can lie
about
your life all you want but it doesn’t change the truth about who you are as a person. It doesn’t change your soul,” I whisper into her ear. She inhales sharply, body wooden, but stays silent. “Tell me a truth,” I say quietly as I bring her hand up to my mouth and gently kiss the inside of her wrist. She mewls slightly but doesn’t reject the idea.

“I’m lonely
,” she admits.

“
We all feel that at some point but loneliness is not a permanent state. I’m here, Pepper,” I promise.

“I’ve been so lonely. So out of control. I’m still so angry about things
,” she whispers like it’s a shameful secret to feel those emotions. She rolls, burying her face in my chest, wrapping her arms around me. “Sawyer, your lips are so warm, so intoxicating. You taste like a fine wine and all the best life has to offer.” No tears fall but her breathing is ragged. I hold her firmly to me and keep my mouth shut. It seems she needs someone to listen more than she needs someone to talk. I stay quiet.

“I like Allie
,” she blurts into my chest. I chuckle at her randomness and peel away from her slightly so I can see her face.

“I like Allie
, too.” I laugh. She shakes her head slightly and laughs lightly.

“Sorry. That was random
,” she apologizes.

“A little.”

“I was thinking of more truths. That was one of them.”

The corners of my mouth pull up into an enormous grin. This girl is not at all who I thought she was, yet she’s everything I wanted her to be
.

Light spills in softly through the curtains. Arms are wrapped around my midsection and black hair is strewn everywhere. Pepper’s breaths blow out of her mouth in short, soft bursts. She looks like a completely different person when she sleeps. Soft, innocent, sweet. I like it. It’s almost as if I’m seeing the real her. I want to touch her scars. Kiss them. I want to know where they came from. They highlight the beauty she already possesses. She stirs and I realize it’s only a moment before she wakes and the mask comes back on.

“Morning
, love,” I mumble groggily as she stretches her limbs next to me. She glances at the clock. Surprise etches in her features.

“I haven’t slept well, let alone late, in more than a year
,” she says into the early morning light as she stares at the clock. I stay quiet and hold her gently to me. “I don’t know what you’re doing to me, Sawyer but...it’s working,” she mumbles, it seems, to herself.

I lean over her and brush my lips to hers. I deepen the kiss. She presses her body closer to mine. I want more. I want more of her, of us, of the feeling in this particular moment
, but I know I can’t push too fast. I pull away gently, swiping the pads of my thumbs across her jaw.

“Breakfast?” I ask
.

“Absolutely.”
She grins.

Chapter 20

It is a stunning day today. Mayhem is hosting a casual cookout that happens to be family friendly.
There's something about the way the sunlight shines on Pepper. It brings out the abandon in her eyes. She's carefree in this moment and I can't tear my gaze from her. Everything from the grass to Pepper and Allie seems to be in Technicolor. I am too busy watching her to focus on the conversation around me.

“Beer?” Greta asks
, thrusting a bottle in my face.

“Uh,
sure. Thanks.”

“She seems better somehow.” Greta motions to Pepper who is giggling with Allie over something a few feet away
from us.

“I guess
,” I answer, shaking my head slightly.

“You’ve done that
,” she states firmly.

“Have I?” I turn to face Greta. Her hawk
-like eyes are taking in the scene before us with scrutiny. She’s always so Goddamned alert. I know Pepper worries about her. Wonders about her quietly in her own way. It’s hard not too when she barely gives up any personal information. Pepper’s mentioned opening up more lately to her but Greta still keeps her life pretty tight lipped.

“Yes,” she
says and nods. “You have. Keep it up. She’s a tough nut, but you’ll crack her,” she says seriously. I laugh at her odd choice of phrasing and she looks to me and smiles. “I am too I guess. Pepper’s probably the only real friend I have and shit, we barely discuss personal things.”

“Why is that?” I ask
, genuinely curious. I still don’t understand Greta. She’s always watching, paying attention to her surroundings. She shrugs noncommittally.

“I guess some of us are just like that
,” she answers.

“No, some of you have just experienced things to
make
you like that,” I retort.

“You could be right but I’ll never tell.”
She laughs and moves in Hoot’s direction. I guess that’s the end of that conversation.

Allie nods at Pepper and runs off in the direction of a group of kids her age. She rolls back onto her elbows, face to the sun
, and smiles. Gorgeous. I think I could watch her forever. Carmine plops down next to me and bumps his shoulder into mine. He’s been handling family
matters
in Maryland and just arrived back. Outside of telling people he’s handling matters, he never talks about family at all. They have no names. No stories about them are shared. No one comes to visit him. He has no pictures. It’s strange.

“I thought you two weren’t a thing
,” he says, nodding to Pepper. His eyes narrow as he watches her.

“We are
,” I state, already suspicious.

“She’s trouble
,” he warns.

“What would you know about it?” I ask
, getting angrier by the second. What is his problem?

“She’s like cold product. Hot once, but used up.”

“Who the fuck
are
you? It’s rude to judge. You don’t know shit!” I bark at him.

“I’m someone you should listen to
,” he hisses. “You got shit here that’s good, shit to care about, a
kid
. She,” he says and points at Pepper, “is going to bring nothing but trouble into your life.”

“You got something you want to fill me in on
, spit it out or leave it the fuck alone. Pepper is not your business,” I snap. Pepper looks to us, brows furrowed at my raised voice.

“I can’t spell it out any more than I have
, man,” he grinds out. His phone rings, he glances at the screen, looks to Pepper who’s making her way towards us, then me, and says, “Gotta take this,” before wandering off. The more shit he spews at me about Pepper the more my gut tells me to pay attention to him. Something’s off about him and it makes me uncomfortable.

Her small hand touches my shoulder
, drawing my attention to what’s in front of me versus what’s walking away.

“Everything al
l right?” Pepper asks, concern written in her soft features. I smile up at her warm face.

“Is now
, love.”

She smiles and sits next to me. I lean over to kiss her cheek but she shies away.
Okay
.

“Are you al
l right?” I ask.

“Yeah
, great,” she answers sincerely. Allie charges up to us, looking like she’s on a mission. I shouldn’t be, but I’m irked at the timing. I want to question Pepper more about this hot-and-cold business.

“Pepper
,” Allie states.

“Yes?”
Pepper answers curiously.

“I have a concert this week. Will you come?” Allie asks
, grinning. Pepper looks to me, unsure of how to respond. I nod, letting her know it’s okay.

“I’d like that
,” she says softly. Allie does a little dance and high-fives me before darting off again to play.

“What kind of concert?” Pepper asks once she’s out of earshot
.

“Allie sings. Clara teaches chorus. Her kids are pretty amazing. During the summer Clara runs a summer chorus program for them. You’ll love it.”

“Will Clara?” she asks carefully. Clara will have to get over herself.

“Clara will love anything that makes Allie happy
,” I tell her confidently. I’m not so sure that Clara will love someone being in my life or Allie’s but that’s a different conversation altogether.

It’s Friday evening. The shrill sound of the school bell rings. Pepper tenses at the unexpected sound. I wrap an arm around her and grin. She still has a long way to go but she's made so many leaps forward that I feel nothing but pride for her.

“Why are bells ringing if school hasn’t even started yet?” she complains
.

“I actually don’t know.” I shrug. I lead her to our seats in the front row. She looks around nervously before settling her eyes back on me
.

“What’s wrong?”
I ask.

“I just don’t want to step on toes. Are you sure Clara is okay with me being here? I mean
, I don’t want Allie to get too attached either. I’m not exactly good at sticking around,” she mumbles nervously.

“Jesus, this again?” I bite out as
Clara’s husband, Dominic, arrives, taking his seat on the other side of Pepper. I shove all my irritation down and nod at Dom. This isn’t the place or time for this particular conversation. I slap a smile on my face and hope it doesn’t look fake.

“Dominic, this is Pepper. Pepper, Clara’s husband, Dominic
,” I introduce.

“We’ve met
,” Pepper says, smiling shyly while extending her hand to him.

“Indeed. Lovely to see you again. I didn’t realize you two were...seeing each other
,” he says. Pepper looks back to me before looking at Dominic again.

“We’re friends. Allie asked if I’d come tonight
,” she responds. Friends.
Friends?
This is not going how I’d like it to. Not at all. I don’t want to read Us Weekly together and drink wine. I want to have dirty sex together and tell everyone she belongs to me.

Clara strides in wearing a billowy silk blouse that’s so sheer you can plainly see her
butterfly tattoo through it. A light purple streak of hair cuts through her natural mocha color. Tight but flattering capri pants and tall heels make her look stunning tonight. She passes right by me and Pepper without a smile or nod, stopping only to give Dominic a kiss before settling in at the piano. What stick crawled up her ass and splintered? Women are seriously irritating sometimes.

I reach over
, finding Pepper’s hand, and pull it onto my thigh, keeping it covered with my own hand. I might as well just make my intentions plain as day. She looks down between us at our hands and squeezes my thigh gently before looking at Clara, then removing her hand. What is happening here? Am I being cockblocked by Clara? Is Pepper really pulling away now, after everything? My mood is deteriorating by the minute with this hot-and-cold business.

The kids filter in, finding their spots on the risers while the crowd murmurs and papers crinkle. Allie comes in last, stopping in front of the piano to kiss her mom on the cheek. She waves to Pepper and
me and takes her spot on the bottom riser right in the center. The lights dim, Clara starts a simple melody on the piano, and Allie steps forward as a hush falls over the crowd.

The first lines of
Pharrell Williams’s “
Happy
” fall from Allie’s lips and Pepper’s face splits into a wide smile. I purposely didn’t tell her anything about how Clara runs her chorus. The kids all join in on the chorus lines and different children take the individual verses solo. After “Happy” the kids do their rendition of “
Sweet Child O’ Mine
” before diving into “
Love Somebody
”, which Allie rocked with her solo portion. Three other fantastic renditions of popular songs are sung before the grand finale, “
Iris
.”

Pepper’s hand finds mine midway through the song. I steal a glance at her, noting her eyes shimmering with tears. All these tiny voices melding together perfectly tend to do that to people. The words of the song linger in the air around us. I wrap an arm around her shoulder, pulling her into my side. She nuzzles in willingly, giving no resistance
, and sighs. Much better.

Allie beams right at us as she sings her perfect little heart out. Pride swells in my chest. Allie, so confident, so beautiful inside and out. I know what’s coming next, as Allie’s been practicing nonstop for a week now.
“
Iris
” morphs into “
Home
,” and Allie steps forward off the riser. She walks past the piano, Clara, and stops in front of Pepper, who pulls up and out of my arms to rest her elbows on her knees and watch Allie closely. The chorus stops and Allie sings the middle chorus and verse alone. Each word seems to hit Pepper like a bullet to the chest:

Settle down, it'll all be clear
,

Don't pay no mind to the demons
,

They fill you with fear
,

The trouble it might drag you down
,

You get lost, you can always be found
,

Just know you're not alone
,

Cause I'm gonna make this place your home
.

The kids all join back in after the line about demons and fear. Allie smiles at Pepper, gives a jerky little wave from her hip
, and joins the kids on the risers as they finish the song perfectly. Nothing less ever happens at Clara’s concerts. Pepper wipes a tear away quickly. She tried to be stealthy about it but I saw.

The parents in the crowd go nuts
, clapping, hooting, and whistling. I stand, put my fingers between my lips, and whistle the loudest for my girl. Allie’s face scrunches up in delight when she hears it. Clara stands and hushes everyone.

“Thank you all for making the time this summer to have your kids participate. It’s a joy for me but
, more importantly, it’s fun for them! Okay, you can all get out of here!” she announces, flushed like always from the adrenaline of orchestrating one of these concerts. Allie runs up to Dom and he swings her up into his arms and squeezes, letting her know how proud he is of her. She kisses his cheek and he sets her down. She turns and latches her arms around Pepper’s waist. Pepper rests a single hand on Allie’s head and looks about ready to openly weep. Before anything can happen, Allie detaches herself from Pepper and throws herself at me.

As always
, I kiss her face until she begs me to stop, all while swinging her around. The auditorium crowd dissipates until it’s just the five of us, all pitching in to get things tidied up before we leave.

“Ice
cream?!” Allie loudly whispers to Clara. It’s a tradition, although, it’s been less of a tradition for us all to go together lately. Clara nods her head as Allie squeals and does cartwheels up the center aisle.

“You’ll both come
, yeah?” Dominic asks Pepper and me. Clara shoots him a mildly irritated look that one wouldn’t pick up on if you didn't know her like we did. He ignores her and waits.

“Pepper’s generally
always
up for dessert, so yes,” I answer. Pepper smiles hesitantly but doesn’t protest.