Resistance (20 page)

Chapter 26

“Hi,” she says, extending a hand to me. My feet feel leaden as I take the three steps necessary to reach her, trying to ignore the chaos of the hospital around us.

“Hi.” The silence that follows is heavy. I can feel the weight of every passing second as she clutches my hand firmly
.

“You’re angry
,” she states with quiet confidence.

“I’m...I’m a lot of things right now
,” I answer bleakly. What the hell does she expect?

“
Mags, we need to talk,” Bentley cuts in from behind me, his voice sharp and loud in the silence between us.

“Bentley, I’m spent. I want to go home
now,” she says.

“Who the hell are you?” I snap
at her. Emotions are welling up and spilling over inside me, my gut is twisted. Bentley sighs and pulls up a chair next to Pepper. I watch as they eye each other, silently having a conversation that only two people who’ve intimately known each other can. It’s right there. That’s exactly what I want with her.

“Tell him
,” she urges. “I want him to know who I am. I’m sick of keeping everything to myself. I’m sick of hiding,” she mumbles.

“
Mags...” He shakes his head. “Once you fire this bullet, it doesn’t go back in the barrel. Are you prepared for that?” he asks.

Her eyes dart between Bentley and me
.

“I was raped
,” she starts quietly. Her body shudders. My insides coil so tightly that I think I might snap. Rape. Jesus. “My boyfriend, no, that’s not right, my...my soul mate, his family sold guns, illegally. His
uncle
raped me.” Her voice is thick with emotion as my stomach heaves with disgust. “I shot him, after it happened. Except, except...” Her eyes fall to the floor and tears fall gently down her cheeks. She shakes gently with her tears. I know I should do something, but I can’t. Not yet.

“She shot Cane, her boyfriend,
instead. He was my contact inside the family. Cane was working with us, the ATF, to bring down the operation in exchange for being free of it all. Long story short,” Bentley continues gently. “Mags here ran after she shot him. I followed her. She thought she killed Cane. Ezra, his uncle, went after her. Only he sent Cane, who hadn’t died, to do the job. Turns out Ezra was higher up than we thought. Had information on an ATF sting that went haywire. That information was in a backpack that Mags here took with her when she ran. We made a play to give Ezra the intel back in exchange for his nephew but...” Bentley looks to Pepper. His expression is tortured. I’m not sure how to process all this information. Everything is flying at me so quickly.

“But I didn’t save him. I didn’t get to him in time. He died
,” Pepper wails, heartbroken. “He died because his own uncle tortured and beat him and left him to rot,” she finishes, gasping for breath.

I’m trying my best to digest the words coming at me but my mind is reeling and all I can manage is a blank stare. My brain
is numb, a fog clouding all rational thought.

“Because of the intel that
Mags uncovered, we needed to keep her safe throughout the trial. Ezra was working directly for Torren Delanti, a big-time gun and drug runner here in the States. He’s got connections. He’s out the money Mags took. His top middleman was sent to prison and Mags here is the last loose end. Mags chose WITSEC, Ezra went to prison for life. He escaped during his transfer from a medium to a maximum prison. I warned Mags to stay alert.” Bentley looks crushed as he scans Pepper from head to toe longingly.

Exactly what kind of relationship did they share before and for how long?

“How’d he find me?” Pepper squeaks, eyes coming alive. “How’d he fucking find me, Bent?” she demands, voice rising.

“We don’t know.
Delanti was somehow involved with the escape and there was chatter that he put out the word to locate you,” Bentley answers. “You know I’m not privy to that information anymore. I’m not even supposed to be here with you now. I was taken off that case.”

“So, you thought you killed your boyfriend, after his uncle raped you...then realized he was still alive and
you tried to bring down the uncle once and for all?” I cut in, floundering in all the information I’ve been given.

“Yes, but I took the backpack when I left, it had
a lot of money in it and the USB with all the information on Ezra,” she answers.

“And that man you shot...” An image of a head exploding assaults me and I grimace. I think I might be sick
.

“That was Ezra
,” she answers, eyes going cold and distant at the mention of his name.

“How many people have you shot?” I question. What do I really know about her? It seems like
a moot point at this juncture but I feel the need to know.

“Three.”
She looks at Bentley sheepishly.

“Three?!” I bellow disbelievingly
.

“She shot me in the leg at our meeting with Ezra. On purpose.” Bentley laughs lightly and Pepper grins, just slightly
.

“What the hell is so funny about that?” I grind out
, irritated.

“Nothing. Everything. Sawyer
, please. Please,” Pepper says. “Magnolia will always be a part of me, but I stopped living for her a long time ago. What we’re telling you is...what happened today means I can finally start to let go, put it in the past, babe. All the reasons I am the way I am, the reason I’m scared of...of life…” she says, choking on her words. “I was carefree, from a good family, I was a good girl, in college. It all changed in a millisecond. My world shifted and I became something else. But now, now it can be done. Right, Bentley...it can be done now…” she pleads, although to who I’m not sure. My brain can't seem to catch up with the news.

I blink twice. It’s like being buried in an avalanche of detail. I still have so many questions
.

“Haven’t talked to the
marshal’s office yet, but my guess is WITSEC still stands and Pepper Philips still exists. Not gonna lie tho, hun, if we don’t know who located you, you may have to start over again.”

The pained look in Pepper’s eyes as they bore into mine cut deep but all I can muster is a grim smile
.

Bentley stands and exits the room
, leaving Pepper and I alone. “Please don’t leave. Please don’t hate me,” she pleads.

“I don’t know how to feel
, Pepper. I watched a man die. His head exploded!” I answer. She glances at the floor between us.

“I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t need an apology, Pepper. I need answers.”

“Ask
,” she urges.

“Were you and Bentley together?”

“Yes, but not for long. He was one of the only friends I had at that point in my life. It took him the better part of a year to get me to even talk to him. Just when I thought I was falling for him, Cane found me.” Her voice fades as she finishes talking. She shakes her head at herself.

“What are you thinking?” I push
.

“Just that everything is such a mess. I’m a mess. I’m making you a mess. I’ve messed up Bentley’s life and possibly his career
, too. I’m not fit to be around.” The look on her face makes my heart speed up. It’s as if a bolt of lightning has struck me directly in the chest. If she’s trying to let me go, I don’t want her too. I came tonight to fight for her. I have all the details I didn’t before and although they make me uneasy, I can’t help but wonder what they’ve made her feel all this time. I won’t give up. Not tonight, anyways.

Five hours later we’re at Pepper’s house. She’s been cleared, for now. A U.S. Marshal stands in the kitchen near the side door and another is stationed at her front door but Pepper is in a daze, curled up on her bed. I am a train wreck of emotions. I waffle between going home and shutting the door on this relationship forever and staying here, never to leave her side. This entire situation is insane. Crazy. Not what my life usually entails. I refuse to pick an emotion just yet and run with it. Logic says, run. My heart says, stay.

“All this time I believed killing Ezra would stop the pain. The rage. I thought knowing he was dead, knowing I avenged Cane
’s death would free me. It’s like a bubble burst but the ache I feel will forever be with me.” Her voice cracks and tears spill sideways down her temples onto the stark white pillow of her bed. She’s bleeding emotion right now. It’s torturous to watch. There isn’t a damned thing I can do about it.

“We never bury the good, not really. We keep them with us. That’s the price of living. Whatever sins you've committed, you can't go back and undo them. You can let it go, even if nothing is wrong. You deserve love
,” I say. “Everyone deserves love.”

“Silence suits me
, Sawyer. Sometimes I worry that if I say too much, I’ll start screaming and never stop.” Her voice holds such pain and worry that it chokes me up inside. “I’ve been outta whack since Cane died. He passed away in my arms, you know. I couldn’t stop it. I came unglued. I haven’t really slept well since then, staring at the alarm clock on my nightstand night after night. Life’s sucker punches keep coming, so you’d better get used to the pace of things. Adapt or die, you know?” Her mouth frowns slightly. “I actually look forward to death. At least then my mind can find peace. Life’s not worth living without passion and I just don’t have any left. The drugs, the drinking, it was...”

“Your way of coping
,” I cut in. She nods and curls into a ball, back tightly wedged against me. Against all my better judgment, I sling a heavy arm over her and let my head hit the pillow. I’m so spent and having her in my arms feels so right.

“It should have all worked out, but it didn't. He should be here now, but he isn't. It’s hard to live with. All that time I ran...just when I let Bentley in...he came back. Alive. I had six days with him. Six days and he died, again. Both times because of me
,” she mumbles into the blankets.

"You build me up
, then I fall apart—not because I want to, but because I can only take so much. You're trying to save me, but please, stop. You'll never save me from myself or the conflict that courses through me. The guilt. The very thing I loved is what's killing me. I've tried, but I can't conquer it. The best I can do is sleepwalk through life." Her eyes hold mine with intensity and fire. She
has
passion left, she just doesn’t believe it, she doesn’t feel it.

"The human spirit can bend an awful lot before it breaks
," I answer, unwilling to just give up.

"I can fake a smile or a laugh. I can hold everything in
—the guilt, the pain. I can carry the weight of it all. I have, I am, but I'm still human, Sawyer, and I still bleed when you cut my skin. You have the world to offer someone. That someone should be able to share it with you. I cannot." She pauses, sucking in a deep, shuddering breath. "I tried. After Cane I tried, with Bentley. Then..." She trails off, lost in her own past.

"Pepper, I can't save you from yourself. I want to, but I know I can't
," I state. “I don’t know what to do here...” I squeeze her hand, bringing her back to me. Her words are knives in my heart. A tear drops off her chin. I kiss it away.

"After Cane died, I realized I have a mass of black tissue sitting in my chest where my heart is supposed to be. Watching him die, it killed me too. I died right there with him." Her eyes harden and the unshed tears in her eyes retreat into her
.

“Pepper, you’re the only one who doesn’t see it. Bentley sees you. Sees what you
still
have to give. I see it. Allie sees it. Greta sees it. If you don’t feel it, okay, but at least have a little faith in the people you
do
have. Trust us. Don’t give up yet,” I encourage. “Tell me a truth.” She sighs, resigning herself from our heavy conversation and stares up at me. Flecks of gold and chocolate take me in with tenderness. Her body shakes as she gathers what’s left in her. I can see something building in her eyes. She inhales deeply and takes my face in her hands softly.

"I don’t need a lot of words
, Sawyer. I don’t need a conversation every moment of our time together. I don’t need a promise from you and I don’t need your life in exchange for me or my love or to show you how I’m feeling. I never knew how much I could care again, Sawyer. You did that. You showed me that. It scares me more than anything in the world. I’ve tried so hard to fight it, but I’m so tired of fighting against it." Her hands squeeze me tightly. My heart stops beating. Stops. Beating. Lungs. Don’t. Work.

“Are you saying...” Warmth spreads throughout my body
.

“I’m falling for you
,” she confirms.

“
Now
you tell me?!” I bark with mock irritation. I watch as Pepper’s face moves into a beautiful warm smile wrought with relief. Her hands slip from my face so her arms can hold me even more tightly around my neck.

“I never said I had good timing
,” she muses. That is the understatement of the century.

“Pepper,” I whisper
, leaning down to her lips. “I’ve been a goner since we went hiking. I’ve been falling since the skating rink, and I’ve been wanting to hear those words from you since you swooped in to nurse me while I was sick.” I brush my lips to hers. I forget everything the night has brought our way. I push all the crazy information and the gruesome scene at the rink to the bowels of my brain and I taste her. I drag my mouth from her lips to her ear. "Pep, since we're finally on the same page, let's do something 'bout it, what do you say?"

She nods, barely, and squeezes her arms around my neck. Her fingers thread through the hair at my nape, tugging slightly. Cupping her buttocks and bringing her snug against me, a moan of desire slips through her lips—the sort of noise that leads to naked bodies and hot sex
.

I slip her
t-shirt up and over her head quickly. I crawl over her, leaving a trail of soft kisses on her neck and across her collarbone. She arches upward until I take her breast into my mouth. She rakes her fingers through my hair, pulling my mouth closer to hers. I grin wickedly. I can’t help it. Everything has fallen into place it seems. Swept up in a haze of desire, she arches her hips, urging me to slide into her. The heat from her body makes it nearly impossible to take my time. To savor this moment, to savor her. She’d barfed up all her emotional baggage to me, like somehow that’d restore her to a better, newer, purer version of herself. I know better. I know it’s a long road for her. I
know
I need to guide her to a truly sound state of mind but right now I don’t care about any of that. I care about her silky skin urging me on. The fire in her eyes, the fact that she basically said she loves me. I spread her legs more and push into her. The soft moan that puffs from her lips almost sends me over the edge. Slowly, I pull out slightly and thrust back in, filling her. Nails dig into my shoulder blades, but I don’t care. I dip my head and lightly bite her neck. Goose bumps break out on her skin and she whimpers. Faster, harder, deeper.