Again Elijah reached to
comfort me. This time I allowed it. Although his touch was cold,
his intentions were warm. Even though I was surrounded by those who
loved me, I felt so alone. I no longer had any kind of connection
with them. Sitting there in silence, my sobbing subsided. At that
moment I could faintly remember the actual feeling–the sensation of
being connected with them. All I could think of now was how I
feared them rather than loved them.
Coming to
a stop outside the front doors Mylana turned the car off and
everyone piled out, all except me. Looking out the window at
Chantonnay, my body would not listen to my commands. I wanted to
get out and explore this house but the other part of me, which
screamed loudly, told me to run!
They do
not have good intentions for you, get out while you still
can
, my thoughts whispered to
me.
It was Brenna that opened
the door for me. As I looked up at her, she reached her hand out
for me to take. Without hesitation I accepted her gesture and she
helped me out of the car. Stepping onto the snow, it crunched
beneath my foot as I followed in grave silence behind Mylana and
Elijah. Brenna kept her place slightly behind me.
Entering
through the foyer, Brenna helped remove my jacket and boots while
the others made their way to the living room. Walking into the
grand space, I was in awe. The walls that were painted a rich
grey-blue
colour
were at least eight feet
tall. The huge windows were adorned with charcoal drapes that were
not drawn, which made the black iron bars on the windows visible. A
grand rectangular chandelier hung above the main seating area which
was made up of antique chairs and tables along with a more modern
styled chesterfield. The seating area was spread out over top of a
massive sized oriental rug that was centered in front of a large
black marble fireplace. Elijah who hunched over at the fireplace,
crumpled newspaper and placed kindling in a tee-pee form over the
paper. Sloth-like I walked over to one of the wing chairs paired up
by the hearth. Plopping down into the seat, I watched Elijah as he
poked at the now flaming logs and inhaled deeply the wonderful
smell of burning birch. Mylana and Brenna sat together on the
chesterfield and once he was satisfied with the fire, Elijah took
the chair opposite me.
The flames flickered
mesmerizingly as the blaze grew stronger. Listening to the gentle
snapping of the fire combined with the soothing repetitive ticking
from the grandfather clock, it calmed and relaxed me to a point
where my hunger no longer mattered. I wanted only to sleep, I was
so tired. I felt like I hadn’t slept in years, I was so exhausted.
My fleeting moment of wanting to explore the house was now
gone.
Waking me from my placid
state Brian, Stone and Eme walked in. Brian and Stone quickly found
a place to sit. Eme, who paused only a few feet from the foyer
looked at each vampire and then at me. The long gaze on me caused
me to shift in my chair, making me feel uncomfortable. As I was
about to say something she looked away, made her way across the
room to the grand staircase without saying a word and headed
upstairs. Each step I heard from the upstairs hall, a light thud
resounded as she walked on the runner carpet until she came to a
halt. Then sound of a door being shut echoed.
Not too long after, Elijah
rose from his chair opposite me and in an old-fashioned gentlemanly
way he excused himself from the room. I knew as he began ascending
the staircase, he was going to see Eme.
Conversation was at a
stand-still, although a few times Brenna and Mylana appeared as
though they would attempt small talk. However, they seemed like
they couldn’t find the right words to say. I was the one to finally
break the silence. I could not take it any longer and the heaviness
of sleep plagued me, causing my eyelids to become heavier each
second.
“I am tired.” I said weakly
and rose to my feet. “Can someone take me to…” I paused for a
moment. I couldn’t remember if I had a room here or not. But I had
to have, this was my so called home, so I continued. “Take me to my
room.”
Suddenly Brian stood and
took a few steps towards me but stopped.
“But I wanted to talk with
you. There are some things…” He began in an earnest manner only to
cease speaking. I looked at him and with what energy I had left in
my exhausted state and I gave him a weak smile.
“We can talk
tomorrow.”
Mylana then rose to her
feet and began walking to the staircase. She stopped at the base of
the stairs, turned and waited for me to join her. As I began
walking past Brian over to Mylana, he grabbed gently onto my arm
and turned me towards him.
“I have missed you so much,
Deirdra.” He said, his eyes exuding a love for me that was too
intense for me to fully comprehend at the time. He then leaned in
towards me and kissed me on the forehead.
“Goodnight.” He added, as
he pulled away from me. With my head lowered, I walked away, giving
him nothing in return. I couldn’t. At that moment, I couldn’t help
but feel that within his love for me, he had reasons to resent me
and oddly enough, I felt ashamed.
Opening the door to my
rooms, I felt serene and secure. This was mine; I could feel that
it was and would always be.
“It has been a long night.
We will see you tomorrow.” Mylana began. I could see she wanted to
say more than that but she kept her thoughts to herself. I nodded,
turned and began walking to the four-poster bed. As I did so, I
heard the door close as she left.
Not
bothering with nightgowns or pajamas, I crawled into bed and slid
under the sheets still wearing my street clothes. Closing my eyes
and snuggling beneath the blankets, a sudden panic surfaced. The
thought that I may not wake up became too real a
possibility.
What if I were to return to
wherever I was? What if sleep was a gateway for me to be pulled
back
? But with each heavy blink, there was
nothing I could do to
not
fall asleep. Before I knew, the oblivion of
slumber took over my body.
Chapter 23
(Deirdra – December 25,
1999)
I woke up in a cold sweat.
My dreams were enough to push me over the edge. Pulling myself up,
I leaned against the headboard and tilted my head back. Being able
to remember only certain moments of my life from the previous
night, my dreams seemed more real than my waking life did. They
were a mish-mash of something from a horror film and a drama flick.
I was certain my subconscious was attempting to reboot my brain and
fill in the missing pieces. But something in me didn’t want to know
or recall.
Leisurely
I walked around my room and examined the things that filled it. I
had several perfume bottles and make-up that cluttered the vanity
table. Pictures that ranged from old black and whites to
modern
colour
photos hung on the walls and
lined the top of a dresser. These pictures were all familiar faces,
those of who I loved–except for Brian and Malachi. This perplexed
me because I could feel such a familiarity with Brian and yet, I
saw nothing of him in my room to remind me of him any further.
Malachi however, I was grateful to have no photos of. He was a
being that frightened me and made me feel uncomfortable. To even
think that I would be in his presence again made me
shiver.
With a sigh, I slid off the
bed and made my way to the bathroom. I felt chilled and my hunger
was quite strong again. This time I could not ignore it. However, I
would delay it for a hot shower, hoping it would warm
me.
As the near scalding water
cascaded delightfully over my body, I could feel my blood rush to
the surface. My skin flushed red from the heat. I delighted in the
scents of the shampoo and body wash. The calming effect of washing
myself was a pleasant release. I did not think about the dark hole
I had come from that stole my memories. I did not think about the
others, I only thought about how such a simple thing could be so
wondrous.
Feeling the water cool, I
felt it was time to get out. I would move on to the next thing that
drove me–my hunger. Wrapping my hair in a towel, I then dried my
body and lavished in the simplicity of it all as I slathered on a
floral-scented cream.
With the
towel still wrapped around me, I stood before the vast array of
clothes that hung within the closet. I couldn’t believe how much I
had, and how much of it was such a dark and dreary
colour
. Black, navy, burgundy,
wine… I wanted to wear something bright like the sky or warm like
the sun. But I finally settled for a plum-
coloured
sweater and a pair of black pinstriped slacks. Before leaving
my room, I quickly tousled my hair with the towel and left it
hanging on the vanity table’s chair. I ran my fingers through my
hair and finally made my way out.
Walking down the hall, I
stopped in mid-stride as I saw the sun shine brilliantly through
the window at the end of the hall. The whole time I had risen, I
had not taken note as to what time it was. With furrowed brow, I
looked at the window, confused as to why my body would even rise at
this hour. Like a force driving me, I found myself turning and
making my way to the end of the hall towards the window.
The sun shone through the
window creating a square of light that glowed on the runner carpet.
I stopped inches from the beam of light, mesmerized by the
brightness. Suddenly I was afflicted with a painful memory,
physically and mentally painful–I remembered what it felt like to
be exposed to the sun. I stumbled backwards and away from the
square of sunshine. The brutal memory flashed before my eyes and my
body felt as though it burned. Through sense memory I recalled the
feeling of the tiny hairs on my body singeing and my skin
tightening and pulling as my flesh burned. Despite knowing it was
only psychological, it felt too real. I was recalling the memory of
my suicide attempt. I remembered believing that I could no longer
handle being a vampire and feeding from humans. I had decided to
end it. However the instinct to live was strong and I ran to
shelter myself from the burning rays of sun.
Pressing myself against the
wall, I waited for the memories to let go of me. It was ultimately
my hunger that released me from my past. Pushing myself away from
the wall, I made my way to the staircase and to the kitchen. There
was nothing else I could do. I wanted to weep, but having
experienced so many emotions in the past twelve hours or so, I was
unable to.
Wandering the house, the
silence was unnerving. I feared I would wake them and yet I wanted
someone there with me. There was so much I wanted to ask each of
them. My mind was filled with curiosity and blank spots in my
memory I needed to recover.
Finding the kitchen, having
avoided any open windows, I was unprepared for what I was about to
encounter. I pushed on the swinging door without a care in the
world. Feeling rather content with being alive after reliving my
attempted suicide, I was not ready for the blast of sun that hit me
directly in the face. Crying out, I scurried off to the side, my
heart pounding so rapidly it rang in my ears and I began to shake
from fear. As I calmed down, I realized I felt no burning
sensation, no pain. Squinting at the brightness of the sun, I
forced myself to look, and as I did, I found the stinging of the
sun lessened as I became used to it. I could not help but find this
curious.
Walking towards the window
without thinking, I was unable to tame my curiosity. Standing to
the left of the window, I raised my hand up and into the beam of
sunlight. My hand was in full sun, yet I felt nothing.
Nothing!
“What the hell?” I mumbled.
I pulled my hand out of the beam of light and turned my hand so my
palm faced up then down, examining my skin. No pain, no burned
flesh, not even reddened. Again I stuck my hand into the beam of
sunlight. Nothing. I now stepped fully into the sun. Nothing. A
smile immediately crossed my lips. I didn’t understand what was
going on, but… oh, to be in the sun! It had been so long. Being
able to stalk the living in only the dark for two hundred years,
this seemed too good to be true.
Closing my eyes, I let the
warmth of the sun cascade over my body, as I did the sensation was
exhilarating. The heat of the sun, even though felt through the
window, gave me delightful goose-bumps and a shiver of jubilance.
After several long moments I finally opened my eyes, the smile
glued to my face. Taking a couple of steps forward, I stood before
the window and looked out at the beautiful winter wonderland. It
was something I had never seen before. The sky was a brilliant blue
backdrop against the purest white sparkling snow that was almost
blinding. It was all so different in the light of day. How the bare
trees looked less menacing and the cold seemed not as cold with the
land lit up by the sun. It seemed the world was a playground and it
was only at night that human nightmares became real to stalk and
hunt them.
My God
this is wonderful! Have I been given a second chance? Had I atoned
for something while in hell?
I couldn’t
even fathom why I was able to be in the sun, to walk during the
day. And then it dawned on me. I remembered where I had gone. I had
never really forgotten. But the stress put on me from returning, of
passing all those mournful souls… It all settled upon
me–
everything
–I
remembered every day of my life and unlife. I remembered moments
when I was a wee girl to my first encounter with Mylana, to the war
between the vampires and the father of all vampires. Nothing was
left unrevealed. It was like it was poured into my soul and with it
the sudden realization–I was human! I came back
human!