Looking for a place to sit, I wandered. My little brother and sister, Tommy and Sarah, were up by a tree, so I stumbled toward them.
Oh, thank God! They can help me.
Right as I was about to reach them, the ground came up to meet my face…
Three Years Ago
The incessant chirping of those pesky birds awakened me. They loved to perch on the huge tree right outside of my bedroom window. Sometimes I wished I had a BB gun to silence them. I loved animals, I honestly did. However, at 5:30 a.m., the only thing I wanted to do was sleep. Those tiny peeping creatures with ten thousand decibel chirps were doing their dead level best to prevent that. It was blissful to imagine a chirp-free morning though…where I could wake up to my alarm instead. I flung my pillow at the window hoping to scare them. It didn’t work.
I rubbed my eyes as I sat up in bed and realization dawned on me. Today was
the
day. It was graduation day at last and I would be giving my valedictory speech! My dreams had come true and all of my hard work paid off. I was graduating first in my class! My heart started banging in my chest.
Oh no!
I could feel my palms getting sweaty. I rubbed my hands across my quilt and took a deep breath to calm myself. My nerves roared at me as the thought of public speaking made me quake.
Focus on the positives, January. That’s it…at least pretend you’re excited. Maybe you can redirect that anxiety into something good.
Well, I was looking forward to
one
thing. Perhaps
he
would
finally
notice me. No matter what I did, how hard I worked or what I accomplished, I never received any acknowledgement from my father. Nothing…nada. Maybe today would be different. This is what I had so diligently focused on over the years. A single nod or maybe a brief congratulatory comment…anything at all would make me ecstatic. I know it’s a stretch, but maybe, just maybe he would tell me how proud of me he was.
I threw back the covers and clambered out of bed, slamming into the wall in the process. After a few minutes of hopping around while nursing my wound, the pain in my baby toe subsided so I hobbled down to the bathroom.
My bedroom was in the attic…a place I had been relegated to when I was four years old. I would never forget the first night I spent up there. My terror had paralyzed me and my parents wouldn’t allow me to come back downstairs. I sat awake, jerking at even the tiniest of creaks, shivering and praying the monsters under my bed wouldn’t snatch me up and carry me away.
When morning finally arrived, I bolted down the stairs and begged my mom not to make me ever go back up there. No such luck. That night I was back up there again, trembling and scared to death. Sleep eluded me for a long time. I got into tons of trouble at school that week because I kept falling asleep at my desk, on the playground, or anywhere I could. I was so sleepy my eyelids weighed a ton. I was only in preschool, but napping was not allowed except during the rest periods.
Every day I was sent home with a note explaining to my parents that I had a complete disregard for the rules. As a result, I was punished again and sent to up my monster-filled torture chamber without dinner. I often wondered why they hated me so. What did I do to deserve such horrible treatment? It would be something I would continually ponder through the years.
I took a quick shower and when I say quick, I mean light-speed. My showers were restricted to two minutes and if they lasted longer than that, my next one had to be taken in ice-cold water. I’m not quite sure why my parents insisted on this, but they did. It only took me once to get the two-minute shower thing down pat. Turn the water on, hop in, lather up then rinse. I was, if anything, very efficient in that regard.
Next, I quickly brushed my teeth. For some odd reason I felt different today. When I glanced into the mirror, the reflection looking back was still the same old me…stick straight white hair and weird looking pale ice-blue eyes. Admittedly, I was a bit freakish. I knew in my heart my father thought so. I could tell by the distasteful looks he threw at me, not to mention the thoughts I could hear as they shouted to me from his mind. That was an anomaly I never discussed with anyone. Besides, I never felt like I fit in with the rest of the kids.
Quit feeling sorry for yourself. This is your big day so stick a smile on your face and enjoy it.
I darted back up the stairs to my own tiny world and picked out my clothing for the day. I decided on my blue dress since it was the best one I had. It was a plain shift that ended above my knees. It had capped sleeves that made my arms looked scrawnier than they truly were. Thankfully, my gown would hide them. I grabbed my strappy black sandals and threw them into the bag that contained all my graduation paraphernalia—cap, tassel, sashes, etc. I lifted my eyes to the ceiling and was bathed in memories of the years gone by. I would be leaving this room when summer neared its end. I had grown to love this little haven of mine. I often mused that I was the complete opposite of Harry Potter. Instead of “the boy beneath the stairs,” I was the girl up in the rafters.
My attic bedroom was miniscule. It had those stairs that folded up and closed, acting as the door as well. On one wall it had one teeny round window that was up at the peak so I really couldn’t look out of it. My parents had never finished it off so it was bare-bones—rafters and insulation only. I had a small chest of drawers, a twin bed, a clothing rack and a mirror. My bed doubled as my desk. I used a piece of plywood for it that I stored beneath the bed. I never invited any friends to spend the night because I was embarrassed about my room…no pretty wall colors, no flowery comforter, or anything to give it that homey appearance.
Be honest with yourself January, Mom wouldn’t have let you invite anyone over anyway!
It was puzzling to me why they had put me in the attic in the first place. I was the only child until I was eight. Then my mom had my little brother Tommy and two years after that, Sarah was born. We had three bedrooms so initially two of them were empty. Then one went to Tommy and the other went to Sarah. I told my mom over and over that I wouldn’t mind sharing the room with Sarah, but she always ignored me.
I quickly finished getting dressed…everything I did was accomplished in record speed with good reason. It was the best way for me to avoid the criticism my parents like to dole out. I gathered everything I would need for the day because I would not get a chance to come home before the actual ceremony. I was on the set-up and decorating committee and was needed before and after rehearsal since I was the valedictorian. That meant I had to take my dress, cap, gown, sashes, adornments and shoes with me this morning.
With my arms full, I carefully navigated the narrow stairs, and dumped everything into my car. Then I went back inside and put the coffee on. I ate a bowl of Frosted Flakes, filled up my go-cup with coffee and headed out the door.
When I got to my car I looked at my watch and started laughing. It was only 6:30 am and I didn’t need to be at the auditorium for another hour. I glanced at the passenger seat and the tickets for graduation caught my eye.
Oops!
I nearly forgot to leave them at home. I went back inside and wrote a quick note to my parents.
Good Morning Everyone!
Well, today is
the
day. I am so excited I can hardly stand it. Sorry I had to take off before you all woke up but since I am on all those committees, I needed to get there early. I also need to practice my speech. Wish me luck on that!
Here are the tickets…you must have them or they won’t let you in. Make sure you arrive early if you want a seat. I’ll look for you in the parking lot afterward…that’s where everyone will congregate for pictures.
Can’t wait to see you!
Love,
January
I jumped in my car and headed down the street. Watching the sunrise at the neighborhood park beckoned to me. If I didn’t hurry, I would miss it. Early morning was always my favorite time of day. It must have stemmed from when I was little and scared of the dark. The sky quickly lightened from grey to light blue and the huge orange sphere inched up in the sky at last, casting everything in its warm glow. Morning had broken, so I headed over to the auditorium.
The day flew by since there was so much to do but seven o’clock in the evening arrived entirely too fast. We all lined up for the processional into the auditorium. I looked around trying to spot my family, but didn’t have any luck.
I wonder where they’re sitting?
When I heard the MC say, “I’d like to present our valedictorian for this year, Ms. January St. Davis,” I found myself making my way to the podium. With sweaty palms and trembling hands, I held the pages of my speech. I had practiced it over and over and knew it by heart, but I was nervous nonetheless. This was the first time I would be speaking to a group this large and it was a bit daunting, given the fact that I was only sixteen years old—I had skipped two grades and was graduating earlier than usual.
Relax January. Pretend you are all alone. Take a deep breath.
And so I began. Initially, my voice shook and all the saliva in my mouth seemed to have evaporated.
Water! I need water!
My mouth felt like I had swallowed a huge gulp of sawdust. Just when I thought I was a hopeless failure, a miracle happened. Everything fell into place and my speech went off as smoothly as I hoped. It must have struck a chord because as I looked across the room, everyone was standing and applauding and I noticed several people were wiping their eyes. I was shocked because I never imagined I’d receive a standing ovation! I felt a huge grin spread across my face.
Where are Mom and Dad?
We marched across the stage to individually receive our diplomas, and then we were all filing outside and throwing our caps into the air. When we finished, everyone tore off in different directions to find their families.
I scanned the crowd but soon realized my family was nowhere to be found. I puzzled over this because I knew I had left the tickets on the kitchen counter.
I bet they left early to avoid the crowds.
I snuck away from everyone and drove home as fast as I could without speeding. When I pulled in the driveway, I noticed my mom’s car was missing. I ran in the house anyway, yelling out in excitement, “Did you hear it? Did you hear my speech?”
No one was in the kitchen so I tore into the den to find only my father there, sitting on his recliner watching TV.
“Well?” I asked my voice laced with excitement. “Did you hear my speech? Can you believe I got a standing ovation?”
“I wouldn’t know…I wasn’t there,” he responded in an emotionless tone.
“W-w-what?” I stammered. “Where’s Mom? Did she see it?”
“She’s not here and no she didn’t.”
“What do you mean? Is she okay? Are Tommy and Sarah okay?” My stomach gave a sick twist as I thought that something happened.
“Everyone’s okay. Your mother took them to Charlotte to Carowinds and they are spending the night.”
“Wait. You mean she didn’t come to my graduation?”
I felt like someone had just nailed me in the gut with a full fisted punch. Every bit of oxygen had been sucked out of the room.
“No, she didn’t go,” he mumbled, sounding as if he didn’t have the time or energy to speak to me.
He never took his eyes off the TV. I turned away and started making my way to the crummy staircase that would take me up to my crummy little room when his voice stopped me. I was having difficulty processing this news.
“There’s no need to go up there.”
“Well, I need to change out of this,” I murmured, motioning to my gown.
“Your stuff isn’t up there anymore. I took the liberty of moving it into the garage.”
“The garage? But why?” I was puzzled by his comment. I was also feeling the first stirrings of alarm.
“Because as of this moment, you no longer live here.”
“I’m sorry, what did you say?”
“You heard me…you don’t live here anymore,” he said with a satisfied smugness.
“I’m not sure what you mean.”
“Come on January! I thought you were a smart girl! After all, you graduated first in your class. What about, ‘You don’t live here anymore,’ do you not understand?” He asked me in such a nasty manner I was speechless.
My mouth had turned into a big O and I couldn’t respond for a moment. “But what am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go?” I stammered.
“That’s not my problem.”
I opened and closed my mouth several times, but no words would come forth. I didn’t even realize I was crying until a tear fell on my hand.
“All of your belongings are in the garage. You can load up your car…I’m sure everything will fit since there isn’t much. Your cell phone has been paid until August. When you move to North Carolina for college, you will have to get one on your own.” His eyes bore into mine but I felt like I was in the middle of a bad dream.
“But why? Why are you doing this? What have I done to make you hate me so much?” I croaked. It was a question that I had wanted to ask for a long time.
“January, I’m not the only one that hates you. Your mother abhors your very existence.” He smiled then, enjoying my anguish.
“Why?” I choked out.
“You mean you haven’t figured that out yet? I thought a smart girl like you would be a bit more perceptive. Haven’t you ever wondered why you were named January? Shall I tell you? It’s your mother’s least favorite month of the year. Cold, gray, usually nasty.”
Memories from my childhood suddenly flooded my mind. My father would egg me on to do things that I now realized he knew would result in injuries. A slip down some stairs, a misstep on a tree limb; he would often dare me to do things that landed me in the emergency room with a broken something-or-other. Then I heard the words…horrible words that I knew he was thinking. How much he hated me…how he was glad I had finally graduated because now his obligation to me was over…how he couldn’t wait to see me out of there…how happy he was when I was moved to the attic. He totally loved the fact that I was scared to death.
Who is this man?
All these years I wondered about the treatment I received from him but now I was questioning his integrity.