Authors: Keith Laumer
"Silence,
spy!" Ussh shouted.
"Don't be modest,"
Retief urged. "Give the ambassador full details on how you plan to
manufacture a few million soldiers, modeled after himself and equipped by
Groac, and use them to set up a modest empire in this end of the Arm, after
which you'll no doubt establish ranches on all the likely planets to raise
spares for the army. With forced feeding, you can produce a fully equipped
infantryman in a little under three weeks, gun and all—"
"Ha ha," Ussh
said. "You
will
have your little jest, eh? Gallows humor, I believe
it's called."
"You made your big
mistake, of course, Ussh, when you let Suash and his boys leave," Retief
said. "He was your only chance to make it stick—"
"So you
imagine!" Ussh spun to face Jith. "The time has come for the carrying
out of His Highness' commands! If you would like to do the job personally it
would be a gracious touch, in keeping with the close relations existing between
Lumbaga and Groac!"
"Wouldn't it
though?" Retief said. "If you could con Ambassador Jith into
committing himself to the murder of a covey of Terries, he'd have no choice but
to back your play. Fortunately, he won't be so foolish—"
"You think
not!" Ussh snarled. "Jith—order them shot—now!"
"Don't you dare,
Jith!" Pouncetrifle yelped. "I absolutely forbid it!"
"Forbid, you
say?" Jith whispered. "You go too far, Harvey—" The Groaci
ambassador faced Ussh. "If you're quite sure the Terrans planned the
murder of His Highness, it of course becomes my duty to—"
"To listen to the
rest of the story," Retief said. "There are a couple more things Ussh
forgot to mention—"
"Details,
details!" Ussh yelled. "The important fact is that I, at the head of
an army of dedicated troops, will lead the way to the conquest of vast new
territories, eliminating or enslaving inferior peoples along the way, and in
the end organizing the entire Galaxy as a single empire under a single
rule!"
"A glowing
picture," Retief said. "But of course Ambassador Jith has no reason
to lend support to the scheme."
"Have I not, Mr.
Retief?" Jith whispered. "I admit Swarm-master Ussh has employed
unorthodox methods—but if the end result is a Galactic Empire under
Groac—"
"Correction, Mr.
Ambassador. Groac will be among the first victims."
"Victim? Of her
own troops, under her own general Ussh? Preposterous!"
"It's true Ussh
and his army will be in position to cut quite a swath, with Groaci backing and
Groaci materiel. And no doubt in the end the CDT would come to what's known as
an accommodation with the
de facto
situation. But you're forgetting an
important datum. The troops who'll be doing the conquering won't be Groaci;
they'll be Lumbagans, no matter how many eyes they happen to have."
"Well—as to
that," Jith stalled, looking to Ussh for counsel. "I assume that as
honorary Groaci, true to their exalted somatype, we may rely on General Ussh to
keep the interests of his motherworld in the forefront of his mind."
"Exactly,"
Retief said. "And his motherworld is Lumbaga."
"Clearly, he's
taken leave of his senses," Ussh grated.
"Granted, he's a
most unusual Lumbagan," Retief went on. "Normally, once an accretion
of Freebies reaches the four-decker stage—at which point intelligence
appears—their finer sensibilities prevent them from carrying evolution any
farther. But it appears that General Ussh broke the taboo."
"What vile
allegation is this?" Ussh yelled.
"Careful, Ussh,
you'll give yourself away," Retief said. "It doesn't seem vile to
anybody but a Lumbagan."
"This is all
nonsense, of course," Ambassador Jith purred. "But out of
curiosity—go on, Mr. Retief."
"Ussh—or whoever
the original Lumbagan personality was who had the idea—overcame his scruples
and integrated himself with another individual—possibly a Trip; a
subintelligent creature, but of course the combination has capabilities that
exceed those of either of the original components. Unfortunately, he used his
enhanced mental powers to concoct a scheme to take over first Lumbaga, then the
rest of the material universe. Naturally, he needed help; he made a study of
the foreigners present on his world, and picked the Groaci as the likeliest
partners. With his abilities, it wasn't hard to readjust his external
appearance to match yours, Mr. Ambassador—"
"He's
raving!" Ussh yelled. "How could anyone possibly—"
"It wasn't easy,
at first—but you figured it out. Some of your practice models are still running
around in the woods, making Groaci tracks to confuse the trail. But in the end
you were able to palm yourself off on a few malcontents as a Groacian VHPP, and
enlist some behind-the-scenes help in setting things up for your coup—"
"That, Terry, is
your final error!" Ussh grated, and aimed the gun at Retief's ribs.
"Ussh! Control
yourself!" Jith keened. "What simpler than to give the lie to this
fantastic allegation!"
"Is it?"
Retief said. "Ussh, deny you're a Lumbagan—but do it in Groaci, just to be
certain your fellow countrybeings don't miss any of the finer nuances."
"Bah! Prepare to
die, witless Terran!"
"Ussh! If you
expect my aid and support—do as he says!" Jith hissed.
Ussh hesitated, then
turned to include the Groaci delegation in his field of fire. "Think what
you like, Jith! You'll do as I bid, or die with the Terrans! I'll explain to
your successor how you and they slaughtered each other, only myself surviving;
then I'll enlist his support and on to empire!"
"Why-why, Retief's
right," Pouncetrifle gasped. "Jith—he won't speak Groaci—because he
can't! He's an impostor!"
"Duped!" Jith
wailed. "Undone by my credulity! Faked out of position and into unwitting
support of a non-Groaci conquest by an underling, and a bogus one at
that!"
"Don't feel too
badly," Retief said. "He only intended to use you Groaci to finance
his first few local take-overs. As soon as he'd consolidated his gains, Groac
would have been quietly consolidated into his empire, with the help of a number
of pseudo-Groaci agents who would have infiltrated Groac by then."
"Rave on,
Retief!" Ussh invited. "Familiarize these fools with the scope of
their folly—and then—" Ussh whirled as the tall double doors burst wide.
Lucael strode forward, his golden eyes gleaming.
"Yes? What is
it?" Ussh barked uncertainly. "You have dispatches from the field?
Or—" He staggered suddenly, as if struck a heavy blow between the eyes.
"Treachery!"
Ussh gasped—and Lucael stopped in his tracks, stood swaying. Face to face the
two super-Lumbagans stood, locked in mortal—though invisible—conflict.
"Ussh!"
Retief called. The imitation Groaci half-turned—and in the momentary
distraction, Lucael struck. Ussh gave a hoarse cry, stood dithering for a
moment. . . .
Like a tree struck by
lightning, the false Groaci's body shivered and split. For a moment there was a
wild scramble of parts as the former superbeing's components, like a mob of
troops falling in on command, regrouped themselves into two separate entities,
arms and legs and ears scuttling for their assigned places. In a moment, two
short, sullen individuals stood where Ussh had been, staring apprehensively
around at their astounded audience.
"Why—it's Difnog
and Gnudf, the Lumbagan observers!" Pouncetrifle gasped.
"And
apparently," Jith whispered, "they were more observant than we
suspected!"
It was half an hour
later. The Terran diplomats, freed of their shackles, had gone into a huddle
with their Groaci colleagues for an impromptu meeting.
"Well, then,"
Ambassador Pouncetrifle said crisply, "since General Ussh seems to have
opted for a return to civilian life, and His Highness is permanently catatonic,
it appears we're left with the administrative problem of setting up a pro tern
housekeeping government. As Terran emissary, I'll reluctantly assume the chief
role in affairs—"
"Hardly, my dear
Harvey," Jith interjected. "Inasmuch as the present contretemps was
produced in part by Groacian efforts—"
"Pseudo-Groacian
efforts, need I remind you!"
"A mere quibble,
Mr. Ambassador. Groac will undertake to set up a caretaker government, with the
assistance of Colonel Suash and his native constabulary—"
"Gentlemen,"
Retief said. "Aren't you forgetting the Emperor?"
"Eh?"
"What's
that?" Both plenipotentiaries turned to survey the imperial figurehead,
who stood erect now, gazing sternly at the assembled foreigners.
"You need not
trouble yourselves, gentlebeings," he said curtly. "I'll handle the government
of Lumbaga—to the extent that Lumbaga needs governing." He turned, stepped
up on the dais, and seated himself on the throne.
"Item number
one," he said impressively. "Any foreigner found meddling in Lumbagan
affairs will be shipped home in a plain wrapper. Item number two—"
"If we could go
back for a moment to item one, Your Highness—"
"Make that
'Majesty,' Pouncetrifle. I've just assumed Imperial dignities for the duration
of the emergency."
"To be sure, Your
Majesty. I'm certain that on reflection you'll want to rescind the restriction
on Terran participation in Lumbagan national life, inasmuch as, as worded, it
would tend to somewhat restrict the free play of diplomacy—"
"Precisely. Item
number two: Since that government governs best which governs least, I intend to
provide only the best for my people. Accordingly, all laws are declared
illegal, including this one."
"Hmm,"
Pouncetrifle mused, "since His Majesty seems clearly to be non compos
mentis, Jith, it's clear that duty requires that responsible authorities step
in, in the interest of the welfare of the Lumbagan people. I trust you're with
me?"
"Assuredly,
Harvey," Jith whispered. "I suggest we find quieter quarters for His
Majesty; possibly space could be found in the former root cellar—whilst you and
I proceed to arrange matters in consonance with the principle of the greatest
good for the greatest number; and inasmuch as we Groaci breed like flies, I
suppose you'll concede the obvious primacy of Groaci interests."
"No need for
dispute," the emperor cut in decisively. "Inasmuch as neither of you
will have anything to say about Lumbagan affairs from now on."
"He's
raving," Pouncetrifle stated flatly. "Jith, I call you to witness
that His Majesty was babbling incoherently at the time I was forced to have him
restrained. Retief—assist the poor fellow down from his chair. . . ."
"Curious acoustics
in this room," Retief said blandly. "I thought for a moment Your
Excellency was proposing that we lay hands on a foreign Chief of State."
"Mutiny, eh?"
Colonel Warbutton barked. "Well, fortunately for democracy, I'm here to
carry out the wishes of the people as interpreted by regs and expressed via
appropriate channels!" He advanced on the throne. Ten feet from it, he
found himself floating an inch off the floor, his feet paddling vigorously. A
brace of underlings sprang to his side, found themselves adrift, rising lightly
as balloons toward the ceiling. Pouncetrifle uttered a bellow as he floated up
from the floor, followed by Magnan and the rest of the staff. Jith uttered a
faint cry and drifted upward, attended by his staff. Only Retief and Lucael
remained on their feet.
"Now that you've
heard the details of the new constitution," the emperor advised the
levitating bureaucrats, "I declare the audience to be at an end. Don't
bother backing from the presence; just disappear."
At his words, there
were a series of sharp
plops
, as air imploded to fill the vacancies
created by the suddenly absent dignitaries.
"I hope you didn't
throw them completely away," Retief said. "Once they get their feet
on the ground, I have an idea they'll take a realistic view of the proper role
of diplomacy in the development of Lumbaga."
"They're sorting
themselves from among the tubers in the subbasement," His Majesty said.
"And now ... I declare Parliament dissolved . . . until . . . the next
time . . ." He slumped on the throne and snored. Retief turned quickly to
Lucael.
"Well done, Luke.
I was wondering how long you could hold out."
"If anybody
asks," the super-Lumbagan said in a failing voice, "tell them . . .
their emperor . . . will return . . . whenever the situation demands. And now .
. . farewell, Retief. . ."
There was a final sharp
implosion, and Retief was alone in the throne room.
"Heavens,
Retief," First Secretary Magnan said, "now that the excitement is
over, one wonders if the entire affair wasn't merely the product of group
hysteria." They were sitting at a long plank table in the Imperial Feast
Hall, dining somewhat meagerly on CDT emergency banquet rations in company with
a cosmopolitan crowd of Terrans, Groaci, and Lumbagans.