"That never gets old," he replied
and chuckled. "Gah, I love you
.
"
"I know."
It's So Hard To Say Goodbye
Daniel
Fate had the whole bunker empty of anyone of importance and rank. They all left to find Sherry and Cain, who had not come home at their time to. And my stupid human conscience was taking a beating for it. I had hoped that Cain wouldn't return, but I hadn't figured Sherry into that equation.
The thought of Cain not returning yesterday had
given me almost a happiness. But today, watching Lillian pace with actual tears in her eyes, made me feel an ache inside. Not a good ache.
And Sherry had been nothing but hospitable and caring for me.
It felt strange to feel so…ashamed.
Marissa and Lily were doing some sort of math problems. A form of human education, I assumed. I listened in and found myself laughing at little Lily's answers and the way she worded things. Her little blonde headed bobbed and jiggled as she laughed and spoke. I had stayed away from her since she saved me. I didn't really understand why. But the fact that I had watched her take the life of my brother and give it to her Keeper father could have something to do with it.
It wasn't that I was afraid of her, it was more like I didn't feel worthy to be near her. She held a power in her innocent hands that beguiled us all. And to be so close to that made me feel as if I was spoiling it.
To be honest, I had stayed away from everyone. No one had come right out and said they blamed me, but the Graphter had said all of this was my fault. That my changing sides had messed up the balance and so, he was created. I couldn't tell if people were angry with me or not. No one spoke to me before all this and no one had started since then. Things were same, which didn't help me in my conclusions. But I could imagine they couldn't be happy with the developments.
Marissa saw me looking and tilted her head to the side as if figuring out something. Then she waved to me in a way that suggested I join them. Was I going to be in trouble for watching them?
I got up from my perch on the floor and walked in their direction.
Lily smiled at me and I formed a smile to match hers. "Hello, young Lily."
"Hi, Daniel. Wanna know what four plus four is?"
"Of course."
"It's eight. Maybe you sho
uld come do some school with me.
"
"I would love that one day," I answered truthfully. Anything this child asked of me was instantly something I had no intention of refusing.
"
Uncle Cain and Mommy are late," she said and pursed her lips a little.
"I heard that." I
also
noticed that Marissa had said not a word to me. She just watched and I let her. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure!"
"My brother…I mean, the Lighter that you…took and used to save your father. What happened to him?"
"He went home."
I jolted. "You sent him home?"
"Mhhmm. He can't come back. He wasn't too happy about dat," she said and gave me a look. "He said I was a little fool, but I don't know what dat means."
Marissa chuckled and covered her mouth, but I didn't laugh. "I'm sorry he said that."
"It's ok. Do you want to go home, too?"
I was taken aback by her comment. Did I? What was waiting there for me if I did? Nothing. I shook my head a 'No'. "I just wanted to know if there
were others like me out there; o
ther Lighters who might have switched sides like me."
"No, Daniel. You are the only one." She said it so clearly that it seemed out of place. Marissa stared at me. It was unnerving.
I felt like it was two against one, but I didn't even know what the wager was.
Marissa's eyes fluttered a little and she gasped, the smallest intake of breath, and finally spoke. "Daniel, do
you
feel like…you have something you're supposed to be doing?"
"You mean like taking out the trash?"
She smiled a little. "No. I mean like in the grand scheme of things. Do you feel like you serve a purpose that no one else can serve."
I thought about it. "I am so jumbled on the inside I have no idea what I feel."
She nodded. "Do you want to have purpose?"
I didn't know why, but I nodded emphatically. She reached across the counter and whispered, "Don't fight it."
When she touched my cold hand I got this sense of importance. It washed over me in warmth and color and I closed my eyes to it. There was a part of me that wanted to pull back, to reject whatever this gift was she was giving me, but I held still. When she finished, she removed her hand and waited for me to say something. I looked at her and knew that what she had given me hadn't been a gift at all in the real sense, but I saw the only way to ever see Lillian smile again in the task she gave me. That was a gift in itself.
I looked over at Lillian. My Lillian who didn’t want me, but wanted me here. Little did she know she couldn't have it both ways. I focused back on Marissa. Her eyes were watering a little and she smiled through them. "I'm so sorry. I wish I'd gotten to know you better." She held my hand like I mattered, like I was human. "It may not help you to know this, but I saw beyond and…what's waiting for
you
…isn't hell, Daniel."
"Thank you. I'm not afraid. I always knew death would find me eventually. If I can die to save my Lillian's heart, then so be it."
"You're not just saving Lillian, you're winning this war for us. Everyone will know what you did. I'll make sure of it."
I nodded and heard Marissa telling Lily that her Momma was almost there as I walked away. I needed to leave now. The vision Marissa had shown me, the purpose she had dispensed to me with her Muse's Wrath, was so clear, unlike any dream.
I walked with purpose to Lillian. I knew it may be wrong and she may not understand, but I had to do this one last thing. I slowed upon seeing her. If there was a God up there, he had made one beautiful creature. She looked up and wiped her cheeks. "Hey," she tried to say brightly.
"Hi. How are you holding up?"
"I'm not really."
"Lillian…Cain will come back, I promise you that. But it won't be today."
"What?" she said, puzzled. "What do you mean?"
"It's just…intuition. But I promise you you'll have your Cain back."
She looked up at me, all innocence and beauty and a radiance that I never knew existed before her. She wouldn't understand. When she figured out what my purpose was, she wouldn't under
stand it for what it was. She would
be angry, but what she didn't know was that I would take a
nything anyone ever handed to me
to
b
ear to have had been able to be with her again. I still didn't understand why this new soul in my chest had latched onto her so strongly, but I didn’t want her to be angry.
I wanted her to think on this later and know that I knew the end was coming for me. That I was at peace with it. That her happiness, though it didn't include me, was more important than anything else to me and I would have given anything to know that a smile would remain on her face.
I reached my arms out for her to come into. My cold arms that held no life, but now held purpose. She walked into them carefully and let me hug her. She assumed, I'm sure, that I was offering comfort. But this selfish heart just wanted to feel her against me one more time. I rubbed my chin in her hair and even in our dire situations, she still smelled delicious. I whispered into her hair, "Can I ask one favor?"
"Sure," she said simply.
"It may seem crazy, but I…need this, Lillian."
She pulled back and looked at me. "What's the matter?"
"Nothing, I just want to ask you for something, and I want you to say yes."
She stared into my eyes as if she sensed my next words, she stiffened a little. "Daniel…"
"Please," I begged in a whisper against her forehead. "Give me this one last thing...before I let you go."
I knew she'd
misund
er
stand my words. I knew she
'd
take it as I was letting her and Cain be in peace
together and giving up my plight for her
. She didn't know this was my goodbye.
She considered it for a long time, her eyes indicating that she wasn't the sort to cheat or lie. I begged her with my eyes, I pleaded with her and waited.
Then her lips parted and I took my chance
.
With my arms still around her waist, I lowered my mouth to hers. The cavern of her mouth was warmer than anything I'd ever felt and it warmed my whole body. Her little hands pressed against my
chest, a barrier she was trying to set
, but that was all right. I moved us to the wall at her back so I could feel every inch of her pressed against me, boots to forehead.
Oh, God in heaven that I hoped was
up
there, she was worth it. This little moment was worth everything it took to get here.
I was the only one who could do the task set out for me and this small gift made it worth it. For the first time in my existence, I felt like I was worthy.