Collision
Ryan
Ellie was steering clear of the crowd that moseyed around, occupying every empty corner and cranny. To say that I hadn't noticed was a lie because I'd been watching her.
I thought to say the words out loud gave them power. We'd always been taught that. So I thought to say those awf
ul things to her would make the
power behind them ring true. I
did
want to go to the After. But did I actually think I was ever going to get there? I had no idea. Either way, I shouldn't have said those things to her.
I'd never
tasted the kind of venom I used on her that day and it still stung to think about it. She hadn't spoken to me since. And now, I watched one of the men as he w
atched her. She was beautiful, p
lain as day to see. I felt like the biggest kind of fool for feeling like I had some claim on her.
She caught me looking, but I didn't look away. And when the man approached her and asked her name, I still didn't look away. Calvin came and stood beside me. He propped his foot up behind him on the wall and crossed his arms, mirroring my pose. "What are we staking out?" He grinned. "Or should I say
who
?"
I frowned. "Nothing and nobody.
"
"So the fact that your eyes are glued to Ellie have a
bsolutely no basis on our study?
" he said seriously. I had a feeling he was
making fun o
f me.
"Calvin," I sighed.
"Ry! Come on, man! I'm a kid stuck in a bunker! There's nothing here to do. Please, let me live vicariously through you!"
"What does that mean?"
"It means to go tell Mister Grabby to keep his paws off your woman!" He nodded his head toward Ellie and the man was invading her personal space and then some. She was trying to be polite to him, but my brain didn't think and my heart didn't beat as I made swift steps to her.
"Excuse me," I told the man and moved him slightly to reach Ellie's hand. I gripped it gently and the thought
hadn't occurred to me until then
that she might snatch her hand away and tell me to scram. But she didn't.
She followed me to the elevator doors, which seemed like the only semi-private area. I could hear her clearly as she said, "Thanks."
"You're welcome."
She started to walk off, but I couldn't let her. I grabbed her elbow gently and when she refused to turn to look at me, I felt my heart break a little. I had done this. I had slammed the wedge down between us just like I wanted. So why did I feel so horrible
in my guts
about i
t?
"Ellie," I
whispered.
"I'm not a yo-yo, Ryan. You can't just jerk me up and down." She turned to face me and her cheeks were
flushed
. "You either want me or you don't
,
and you made it pretty clear that you didn't."
"I want you, I just don't know how to give up something so I can keep something else," I said dejected. I let it all hang on my face like a mask.
I let her arm go and leaned against the wall. I had no idea what I was doing anymore. My fingers worked their way into my hair…the body's hair, I reminded myself. Not mine.
I was raw and raging with no end in sight of relief. I'd never been so confused.
I had expected Ellie to leave when she was released by me, but I felt her hand on my chest. I opened my eyes to find her in front of me, looking sympathetic and confused herself.
"My whole family is gone," she said and bit the side of her lip. "They all died and…I wish they could come back more than anything." She gave me a pointed look. "That would be my heaven, but that won't happen. But, if we're being honest, if I could go back and have them live, I would. That would mean I would never have met you."
Her meaning bowled me over. I felt
sliced d
own the middle for this girl. "
I would want that, for you to have your family back, even if it meant we'd never have met. Their loss is greater than anything you'd ever gain from me."
She steeled herself. "And the loss of your After place is greater than anything you'd ever gain from me."
I felt my chest rush with breath. "I'm not so sure that's true anymore."
"But that's the point
,
Ryan. Some things can't be changed, some things can. Whether or not you can go there doesn't matter right
now
. I'll never get my family back and that won't change."
A tear that had been begging to fall slid gracefully down her cheek. "There might not be a tomorrow for any one of us. You have to hold on to right now, you have to live like tomorrow isn't coming. And right now." She stepped closer. She didn't wipe her tears away and I'd never seen her so open and raw before. "Right now I'm standing in front of you, right
in front of you
, and I'm not asking you to give up anything for me.
If the time comes, I'll gladly let you go to the After
because I know what it means for you and I'll be happy for you
, but right now…I want you to put your arms around me and pretend that there
is
no tomorrow."
I
yanked her to me. I couldn’t even be sorry for my rough treatment of her, but she wasn't complaining as she
put her arms around my waist. I reveled in the feel of her. She was a tiny thing and
her head fit
right under my chin.
She had managed to t
ake something so confusing and heartbreaking in my mind and break it down to a simple fact: That we are all here for the same thing right now, to survive, and you have to take your happiness where you could find it.
"I'm…" I tried, but it just seemed so unconvincing. "I'm so sorry, Ellie."
"No, I'm sorry," she replied and leaned her head back a little.
"No," I insisted, "
I thought I was doing you a favor, but I wasn't. I hurt you and I…"
"I forgot that you have
n't been a man for very long." S
he smiled and rubbed my chest with her fingers. "I expected you to be something that you're just…not. I threw it in your face that you weren't the man I thought you were, but I realized that I'm happy about that." She laughed. "Human guys are overrated."
I felt my mouth pull wide in a grin. I lifted my hand to rub her cheek bone. Such softness over something so hard. Used to protect the face, but also made her look beautiful. The human body was a fascinating thing. And this human body under me was gorgeous. "We’ll just see where it goes. No expectations. Just day to day."
"That sounds perfect, Ry."
I startled at that. "Have you been talking to Calvin?"
"I may have," she said coyly. "He's such a smart kid."
I thought I heard a hint of something in there. "Did he give you some advice?"
"He said to stop being such a
girl
and forgive you. That you were a good guy, and he was right."
"I'll have to thank him," I said in a low voice. "I'm sorry."
"No more being sorry." She smiled, her eyes crinkling in the corners showing me she meant every word. She reached up and put her hands on my
cheeks before pressing her lips to mine softly. My eyes closed on their own accord and I felt a shudder ripple through me at her sweetness. She pulled back
and said,
"Wanna share a can of pineapple with me?"
"I've never had pineapple," I said, dazed.
"Well
that won't do
, Keeper
."
She dragged me to the designated crate for the kitchen
, hopped onto the crate, opened the can
and popped the first piece into my mouth
. It was
so sweet and juicy I groaned. She licked her fingers and said, "I guess that means you like it."
I jumped up to sit beside her on the crate. I looked down and saw the words 'Ammunition'
upside on the side of it
. I chuckled to myself. I was sitting on a crate of bullets, arms and legs pressed to a girl's who was feeding me pineapple and licking her lips that she's just kissed me with. My charge was running from his friend and play fighting, my brothers were all absorbed in their woman or their talks. For now, my earth family was safe.
It was sounding a lot more like Heaven every minute.
And So, We Meet Again
Cain
My arm, or I as was beginning to call it, the lifeless throbbing bastard, was dead weight in my jacket that I tied around my neck to support it. The thing was hurting so bad
ly
from all the missing meat and dirt rubbed into the sore that I contemplated trying to fall down and go to sleep.