Rex (38 page)

“You know I’m crazy about you, right? I mean,” I pause, hoping to find the words, “I know I don’t always say the right thing,” I shrug, “but… well I am.”

“I think you do just fine.” She raises a hand to let a finger skate over the rough stubble on my chin. “Just be you, Rex. Because that’s who I fell in love with.”

A strange tingling radiates throughout my chest, hearing her say those words again. Never in a million years could I have imagined this, or her. But now that it’s happening, I can’t envision anything else. I close my eyes, inhaling what I hope will be a calming breath as the fear of loss creeps back into my psyche, freezing my limbs, rendering me immobile.

She must sense it too, because something changes in her smile. A tiny line marks a path across her forehead. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I roll off of her, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. “I’m going to get us a cloth to clean up.”

When I come back from the bathroom, she’s sitting up on the bed with a scowl, arms crossed over her chest. “Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what?”

“
You
know what.” She glares at me. “Don’t shut me out. Not after everything.”

I heave out an aggravated sigh, unsure as to whether it’s because she knows me so well or because I have to reveal the truth. I sit next to her on the bed, about to slide the washcloth between her legs when she stops me with an expectant stare.

“It’s just fear, baby. I lose the people I care about. It’s that simple. I lost Tyler, my father….” My gaze slips from hers and I glance out the window. “I don’t want to lose you, too.”

Her soft hand trails down my arm, bringing my eyes back to hers. “You’re not going to lose me, Rex. We just found each other.” A wide grin draws the tiny dimple from her cheek. “Well, unless you do something to fuck it up.” She giggles and I jump on top of her.

“You got jokes now, huh?”

“Perhaps,” she grins, “but I’d probably be a lot funnier if I had some food in my stomach. Please tell me you have food?”

“Hmph… you know I have popcorn.” I nip her ear and she laughs.

“Yes, well. I’m starving. Why don’t we go shopping and I’ll cook for you?”

“I’m thinking we need to stay naked and order take out,” I suggest, trying to convince her by attaching my lips to her nipple, flicking my tongue over the crest.

“Sold!” She laughs, and I cease the torture once she agrees. “I could go for some Chinese food. Sound good?”

“What do you want?” I sweep the washcloth between her legs and then clean myself up, too.

“Hmph… chicken with broccoli and vegetable fried rice.”

“Okay.” I toss the cloth in the laundry and throw on my boxers. “Their number is in the kitchen. I’ll be right back.”

As I’m walking into the other room, I can’t help but think how right this feels, she and I. It feels so normal and I don’t know if I’ve ever had that in my life. I’ve had crazy, insane, and fucked-up—but never normal. And normal feels pretty damn good.

“Okay,” I announce, coming back into the bedroom. “They said they’re really busy and it’ll be about an hour. I know you’re really hungry. Do you want me to go pick it up?”

“No, thanks. I can wait.” Her eyes drift from mine, summoned to the window by the light of the moon. “Wow, that is some moon. I don’t remember the last time I saw one so bright.”

I bounce on the bed beside her, immediately taking hold of her hand, twining our fingers together. “Me neither.” And then I chuckle out loud thinking about one of the few memories from my childhood that actually makes me smile.

“What is it? What’s so funny?” she asks, and I kind of want to share it with her.

“I was just remembering something. When I was younger, Tyler and I used to try to chase the moon. Sometimes at night, when we were outside on the front porch, we’d see it and just bolt, trying to catch up to it.” I smile, thinking about the look on Hunter’s face. “Then Hunter would take off running down the street after our asses. He always told us the moon kept moving so we’d never be able to catch it. But that never stopped us from trying.”

“So that’s where you get your tenacity.” She rests her head on my shoulder. “I used to wander off with Stella sometimes,” she says, and it’s so quiet I almost miss it. “There was this field around the corner from my house and it was filled with wilting wildflowers and overgrown weeds. I remember wondering why no one took care of it, thinking how beautiful it could be if someone just paid attention to it. So,” she laughs as if lost in the memory, “I filled my ladybug watering can up and made Stella take me there every day. It didn’t hold much water, but I thought maybe if I gave them a little bit, some of them would come back to life. ‘They just need someone to care for them,’ I kept telling Stella.”

Sadness seeps from her words, a piece of me hurting for her. But she has a chance to move forward now and I hope she takes it.

“And did they?” I ask, kissing the top of her head. “Grow?”

“No. But I still kept going back, hoping one day they would.”

“What will you do about your father?” I carefully broach the subject even though I know it’s weighing heavily on her mind.

“I don’t know.” The apprehension in her voice thickens the air around us. “But I’m trying to be open. Thinking about maybe giving him another chance. Everyone deserves that I guess, even though it scares me that I’ll get hurt all over again.”

I swivel my body around so I’m facing her, clutching her face in my hands. “You are amazing. You know that?” And she shakes her head, disbelief swimming in the depth of her eyes. “Well, you are. And you know what else?”

“No,” she says, and I’m determined to get this out, to say it as best I can, pushing back the unease constantly forcing its way to the back of my throat.

“You’ve been showing me little by little that it’s okay to be me, and that maybe in some fucked up way, I wouldn’t be me if I hadn’t gone through the shit, you know? And,” I pause, swallowing down this foreign emotion she makes me feel, “I look forward to tomorrow now, more than I ever have in my entire life. And that’s because of you.”

“You’ve given me hope, too.” And as she presses her lips to mine, I feel it.

I never knew hope could feel so good.

My nails have seen better days. I think I’ve bitten every single one on the subway, heading to see my father. I’m sure the people on this train think I’m some kind of lunatic, plotting my next scheme. Nerves rack my belly, and even though Rex was so sweet and wanted to take me to breakfast, I had to say no. The last thing I need is food rolling around in my stomach. The opportunity to lose it is too great.

I sigh Rex’s name, and that coupled with the crazy smile taking residence on my face is yet another indicator that I’m psychotic to anyone watching. But I can’t help myself. He was so wonderful yesterday. And he’s in love with me.
Me
. The girl who never thought she had a chance at love. The girl who got a front row seat to doors slamming and curse words flying down an empty hall, but the walls are always listening—I certainly was.

But I feel like that’s behind me now. Or it will be once I talk to my father. I’m getting a second chance at something I’ve wanted since I was a child, but never thought possible. And while I still don’t completely understand my father’s motivation, I’m going to try to believe that it’s genuine. Because the man who visited me the other night seemed nothing like the distant and unaffected stranger I grew up with.

The subway doors open and I stride through the crowded platform, shaking off the apprehension sticking to me before trudging up the stairs leading to street level. The air is murky and troubled, quite possibly a twin to my respective mood. But I ignore it, steadying my breath, attempting to remember everything I learned in yoga class. Even though that was three years ago.

“V!” I hear my name and recognize the voice calling it, spinning around to find Olivia with a huge smile on her face, hands on her hips. “Uh, hello? You didn’t get my messages? Hmph? Perhaps you were indisposed?” She clucks her tongue with a devious smile.

“Yes, I do believe I was,” I grin, “and it was very pleasurable, if I remember correctly.”

“Oh, I don’t doubt it,” she jokes. “Remember,” and then she mouths a silent
Grayson
, at which point I start laughing, a much-needed distraction to lift my spirits. “So how did it go with your dad? That’s why I was trying to reach you.” She attempts to hide the Victoria’s Secret bag behind her back and I just shake my head.

“Actually, I’m on my way to see my father right now.” My tone drops significantly upon the mention of his name.

“Really? What’s going on? Is he all right?”

“Well, that depends on how you look at it. He told me that he wants to try to have a relationship.” I’m still beyond stunned that this is even happening. The way Olivia stares back at me, eyes wide, mouth open, she seems to agree.

A minute later, she finally picks her gaping mouth up off the cement. “Wow, that’s huge. What are you going to do?”

“Even though it scares the shit out of me, I decided that I’m going to give him a chance.”

That’s when she lunges for me, dropping her lingerie bag and purse to the ground, hugging me harder than she ever has before. “I’m so proud of you,” she whispers in my ear, “so, so proud.”

I heave out a breath, simply because Olivia is the one person who knows how hard it has been for me over the years. The ways in which my upbringing, or lack thereof, has affected my life have been staggering. Of course, now I realize that I don’t have to let it rule me, and at my age, it’s high time I learned that.

“Thanks, Liv,” I reply, and she lets me go just as someone bumps into us and curses, struggling to get past.

Gripping my shoulders, she stares intently into my eyes. “You’re one of the bravest people I know, Vanessa Hilliard. It takes courage and strength to do what you’re about to do, and you’ve got it in spades.”

I help her gather her bags from the pavement. “That means a lot to me.”

“Make sure to let me know how it goes. Don’t ignore my texts this time.” She winks, digging in her purse and pulling out some lip gloss. “I’ve got to run home and then go see my publisher but I’ll leave my phone on.”

“Okay,” I promise, as she finishes putting a shine to her lips. “Oh, and by the way. I almost forgot. Rex told me he’s falling in love with me and I’m in love with him, too.” I say it off-the-cuff, meanwhile my heart is jumping in my chest. “Just thought you might want to know.”

For the second time, her bags along with her lip gloss tumble to the cracked sidewalk, but this time she squeals, “And you were planning on telling me this when?”

“It just happened last night,” I confess, wearing my heart in my smile. “Being with him makes me happy. Like
insanely
happy.”

“I’ve always wanted that for you.” She moves closer, tugging on the sleeve of my blouse, her lips turning up in a genuine smile. “You deserve it.”

“You know what, Liv?” I stare up at the sky, and even though it’s a dark gray, it doesn’t seem to matter anymore. “I finally feel like maybe I deserve it, too.”

My gaze wanders back to her and I see my friend. The person who has been by my side no matter what, who I can always rely on—who loves me. And the cup that I’ve always looked at as half full, is suddenly overflowing.

“I love you,” I blurt out, and now it’s me who embraces her, and she giggles. “What’s so funny?”

“This love thing is really working for you,” she teases, patting my back before releasing me. “I’m glad.” She bends down to pick up her things from the sidewalk. “Okay, I’ve really got to go now. Don’t forget to call me. See ya, V.” She swings her purse over her shoulder and saunters away.

“Hey, Liv!” I shout out, and she twirls around, her chestnut locks flapping against her face. “Nice bag!” I smirk, her loud burst of laughter and the smile on her face resonating long after she’s gone.

My hands are clammy, the past beginning to suffocate me the closer I get to the hotel. Heavy feet want to turn back, to thrust me into a place of comfort—preferably Rex’s arms. But I can do this. I
have
to do this. And more importantly, a grown woman should not be afraid to talk to her father. It’s just that we’ve never
talked
this way before.