Rex (39 page)

Insecurity fastens itself to every limb. My steps become slower, more unsteady. I happen to check my watch and realize that I’m early, so I let out a relieved breath as I walk through the revolving doors of the hotel. Since I have a few minutes to compose myself, maybe I’ll go splash some water on my face.

I didn’t expect to see my father already waiting for me, his dark suit camouflaged against the pleated black leather couch he’s sitting on. But I certainly don’t miss the moisture he’s wiping from his forehead. It’s good to know I’m not the only one who’s nervous.

One hand poised on his lap, his gaze fixed out the window, he looks as lost as I feel. I notice the consistent tapping of his foot against the marble floor and find myself staring at it. This is such a different side to my father. The confidence and strength he once exuded seems long gone and I wonder if my mother getting remarried was the last straw for him.

I draw in a breath and let it out slowly before walking over, thankful the lobby is fairly empty. The second I see his foot still, I know he’s spotted me.

He stands up, tugging on his starched cuffs then rubbing his hands together. “Vanessa,” he says, his tone shaky, a confirmation that I’m not the only one who’s uncomfortable. “I’m so glad you called. Here,” he points to the sofa, “please, sit down.”

I perch myself at the edge, and now I’m the one fidgeting with my fingers, picking imaginary lint off my skirt, waiting for what he’s going to say next. But I’m surprised by my own voice when I speak first.

“All I ever wanted,” I begin, keeping my eyes trained on my hands, “was for you and Mom to pay attention to me. To know that my favorite color was yellow, that I loved puppies and kittens, that my favorite thing in the world was to play with those little green army men. That,” I laugh, but the memory makes me sad, “I used to sneak chocolate from the kitchen cabinet. And the ridiculous thing about it is, I don’t know why I ever felt the need to sneak it. You and Mom didn’t notice, because you didn’t care.”

“Vanessa, I—”

“No,” I interrupt, shaking my head, but still not looking in his direction. “If we’re going to do this, you have to let me finish.” I pause, trying to gather my thoughts again. “All those important moments in a child’s life: birthdays, holidays, awards ceremonies, concerts, graduation. You and mom were nowhere to be found.”

My eyes close as I struggle to block out the memories. “I remember watching my friends’ faces, and their families’, beaming with pride. But I felt alone… like I didn’t exist to anyone else. So many times, I wanted to run away, I wished that I had a different family. The only person I had was Stella, and even then, Mom ended up sending her away, probably because she knew that she was the only person who cared about me.” Tears build in my eyes as my voice becomes barely a whisper. “I don’t understand why she didn’t want anyone to care about me.”

I steel myself with a big breath and finally pivot my body so I can look at my father, facing my fears, facing my past. “All I wanted was for you to see me. I always felt like I was just something you and Mom had to deal with, an obstacle in your way. There was even a time when I wondered if I had died, whether it would have mattered to you, whether you would have realized that you did love me, but it would’ve been too late.”

“Oh, Vanessa.” His eyes crinkle at the corners as his shoulders slump forward, completely crumpling under the weight of my words.

I keep going though, because he needs to hear this. But more importantly, I need to say it so I can finally work toward healing myself. “For a long time, I hated you, or at least I thought I did. I’ve let this affect so many aspects of my life, and it’s held me back. But I don’t want it to anymore. I won’t
let it
anymore.” I pierce him with a frosty glare that I quickly let go of. After all, I’m here to move past this.

A tear slides down his cheek and the anger fizzles from my body, replaced by something I never thought I’d have for my father—compassion. In all these years, I’ve never once seen him shed a tear over anything or anyone. Rex’s words come back to me in a rush—
it makes you human
.

I feel as though I’m someone else when I reach out and touch his forearm, wanting to comfort him, wanting him to know that I can forgive now, that I don’t blame him anymore. “Daddy,” I say, a word that sounds like it’s coming from a little girl, and maybe in some ways it is. A little girl wanting her daddy back. “It’s okay now.” And then quietly I murmur words that give me hope. Words that will finally set me free. “I… I forgive you.”

The eyes that were glued to my hands climb to my face as more tears fall away, tiny droplets landing on his jacket. He takes me off guard by pulling me into an embrace, my arms remaining stiff at my sides, as uncertain as I am about what to do. But then I make the decision for them, and wrap them around his shoulders as the tears begin a helpless descent from my eyes, too.

It doesn’t last long before he backs away, placing his hands on either side of my hair, holding me with eyes of blue that so closely resemble mine. “I’d like to be able to say that I raised you to be like this, caring and compassionate, but I can’t. You did this all on your own. You’ve obviously grown into such a beautiful person. I’m proud to call you my daughter and thankful to be given a second chance.”

I’m only able to respond with a single shake of the head. My mouth refuses to work, shock numbing my vocal cords, making them worthless. The rest of me isn’t doing so hot either. It’s hard to accept a change in the direction of your life when you were already resigned to it being one way. And while this is a welcome one, it doesn’t make it any easier for me to digest.

“So what now?” I have to ask the question because I honestly don’t know where we go from here. It’s taken a long time to get where we are and I’m not sure how to turn back.

“I guess we start over.” He gives me a small smile. “From here.” A nervous pause interrupts his thoughts. “I’ve got to go back to Seattle early to try a case, but do you maybe want to get a quick bite to eat before I head to the airport?” he asks, his hands moving back into his own lap.

“I’d like to, but I really need to get to work.” What I don’t say, that the hitch in my chest says for me, is that this is too much all at once. “Plus, I guess I just need time to process everything, you know?”

“Yes, of course. I understand.” He lowers his head in what I can only assume is disappointment. But this is a big step for me and I need do it at my own pace. “Well, I was thinking that I’d like to come in every so often for a visit, if it works for you, and maybe in the meantime, if it’s okay, we can keep in touch via phone.”

“Yes, I’d like that,” I tell him, shifting from foot to foot. I’m not sure what to do now. But he takes care of that for me.

“I’ll talk to you soon then, huh?” He looks at me with a tentative gaze and I offer him a reassuring smile.

“Yes.”

After another brief hug, he clears his throat then steps away. “Goodbye, Vanessa, and… thank you.”

I march across the lobby, pausing at the door for a quick wave, before disappearing into a swarm of people parading across the city street.

The sun is bursting through the clouds, hints of blue starting to peek out from behind them as I casually stroll back to my office. The sky has brightened, the darkness is no longer. And I feel it within me. I’m lighter, the anchor that weighed me down and held me back from truly living my life has been lifted. While I know I still have a long way to go, it’s a fresh start. An opportunity to mold my life the way I want to. A shot at a different future—in more ways than one.

I’m almost to the office when I realize I need to get in touch with Olivia. I check my phone, smiling when I see texts from both her and Rex wanting to make sure that I’m okay. After responding to Olivia’s text, I call Rex and leave him a quick message when it goes directly to voicemail.

I stride onto our floor with an enormous smile and a caramel latte, and within ten seconds, am accosted by Tillie.

“Boy,” she cracks her gum, “I was about to send out the national guard.” She looks me up and down in appraisal. “And don’t you look happy. I guess that goes a long way to explaining what’s going on in your office.”

“What do you mean?” I peer around her tiny body and flowing red hair at my door.

“Beats me.” She skips behind her desk, and I decide she’s acting really unusual. Or more unusual than normal. “Here.” She shoves a couple of pink slips into my hand. “That’s it for messages, except Ryder called and wants to know if you still want to use him for the Taylor party next week.”

“Okay, I’ll call him,” I say, anxious to move myself in the direction of my office so I can see what she’s talking about. “Thanks, Tillie.”

I open the door, my breath catching on a gasp, the coffee in my hand nearly spilling to the ground. My eyes blink on repeat, trying to make sure I’m not seeing things. An array of beautiful colors: brilliant reds, oranges, yellows, stunning pinks, purples are on every available surface. It’s like I just stepped into a field of… wildflowers. My hand flies to my neck, unable to suppress the audible sob or the tears that are already coursing down my cheeks.

Rex.

The wall is the only thing holding me up as I collapse back against it, my limbs shaking, heart racing so fast it feels as if it might burst from my chest. I can’t believe he did this for me.

Through my watery eyes and blurred vision, I spot a card on the corner of my desk and will my legs to take me there. Setting my coffee down, I take a seat on the chair, reaching for the envelope with trembling hands. Somehow I manage to tear it open and unfold the card.

The card falls away and I cover my face with my hands, eyes flooding with happiness, a never-ending waterfall cascading down my skin. And I accept it. Embrace it. All the emotion that I was told never to feel, never to show, that’s been buried beneath the surface, pushes past the pain, the fear, my mother’s empty words—to what’s real.

This is no longer a dream. This is my life. And
this
is as real as it gets.

My eyes roam from flower to flower, nose filling with the most wonderful fragrances, heart hypnotized by Rex and this unexpected yet beautiful gesture.

“I can’t believe he did this for me,” I voice out loud as though the field has ears, my head doing a continuous shake.

“Why not, he’s fucking amazing,” a sexy rasp says from behind me, and the wind gets knocked out of me once again when I turn my head to find Rex standing in the doorway with a roguish grin. He pushes off the wall and stalks over to me, his eyes never leaving mine. “Hi, baby.” He takes my hand and helps me to my feet.

“Hi.” My fingers attempt to erase the black smudges I know are staining my skin.

“You don’t need to do that.” He smiles. “You’re beautiful.”

“Are you trying to sweep me off my feet?” I wind my arms around his neck, his warm breath dancing across my skin.

He kisses the tip of my nose. “I don’t know. Is it working?”

“I think it might be,” I admit, my lips splitting into a grin.

“Well, don’t get too used to it.” His gentle hand pushes a wave of hair behind my ear. “I’m not a flowery type of a guy.”

“Hmph. So you’ve said.” I smirk, my mouth getting closer to his. “Thank you for this,” I whisper. “You take my breath away.”

“Oh, baby.” His soft lips skim mine. “I think you got that backwards. Don’t you get it? You’ve done something that no one else has been able to do.”

“What do you mean?”

His thumb does a slow caress of my cheek and I lean into him. “You found a way into my heart. A heart that I didn’t even think I had. A heart that every single fucking time it beats, I see your smile, I hear your laugh. I feel your touch. And now you fucking own it. You own me.”

“Rex.” I circle his nose with mine, smiling. “How could you not think you have a heart?” I press a hand to his chest, feeling the steady beat. “You have one of the most beautiful hearts I’ve ever known.”

“
God
, I love you.” His eyes hold me with their intensity as my own heart stops, hearing him say those three little words, words I never thought were possible for me. My lips part, and I try to grab for any available oxygen that will allow me to breathe.

“I love you… too,” I stammer, tasting a salty tear as it lands on my smile.

“Thank fuck for that. Now shut up and kiss me, Blondie.”

And so I do.