When he reached the Paralia, he turned north, away from Shelby’s chapel under the rocks. He could not look at those he passed, certain they could see the disgrace on his face. He silently cursed the shame. Where had that shame been when he watched as her lips and tongue traveled over his body? The ecstasy of it still gave him chills and quickened his pulse.
He stopped at one of the ice cream shops lining the waterfront and bought a liter of water. The shopkeeper called after him to give him his change, but Rick wouldn’t risk holding out his trembling hand or meeting the man’s eye. They shook the same way when he explored her delicate curves, when his hands sought to possess her.
His thoughts tortured him as he walked along the waterfront, no destination in mind, just a need to escape. The magnitude, however, of what he allowed to happen, was too great to escape. How could he have let this go so far? He could have stopped, but chose not to. Anger overtook the shame as he thought about having to look himself in the mirror, face his friends, and live with the knowledge of what he’d done – it seemed overwhelming.
He passed the fishing docks, the scent of marine decay thick in the air. Fishermen, trying to escape the heat of the day, hoarded the scarce shade to mend their nets. They squatted under dry-docked boats and behind tall piles of nets. Lost in their work, they didn’t notice his passing or the cloud following him.
The docks gave way to sandy beaches crowded with tourist. He could smell the Hawaiian Tropic on the breeze as it cooled the sweat on his brow. Children played at the water’s edge, building sand castles, throwing Frisbees, playing paddleball. Young women strutted along the beach in bikinis, hoping to catch the eye of handsome suitors.
After a time, Rick looked up and saw he had walked nearly halfway around the bay, and he could see the village across the water. He was beyond the fishermen, the tourists, and the beaches. He was finally alone. He found a tree nearby and sat in the shade.
She wanted it
, he reasoned. She had come on to
him
. He was only human, after all. He imagined what Devon would say if he knew, and his warning echoed in Rick’s ears. He dreaded the look of disappointment Devon might bestow on him if he learned of the transgression. Rick always looked up to Devon and sought his approval. Letting him down was a constant concern.
And Erin…she looked up to
him
. How far would he fall in her esteem if she knew what he had done? After she had been hurt at such a tender age? Rick opened the bottle of water he still held and poured some over his face, and then drank until the bottle was empty.
No one knows
,
no one ever has to know
.
But he knew, and from that, there was no escape. And Shelby knew. She would never think of him the same, after he left her there, betrayed and alone.
The memory of her touch returned, chasing away his remorse. His pulse raced again as his mind replayed the scene of Shelby pushing his shorts below his hips. When she dared to return his caresses, he allowed his fingers to tickle and play in the growing wetness between her legs. As the memory returned, so did his erection. He unzipped his shorts and eased his hand inside, far from civilization, in the shade of the tree. He remembered the taste of her, the feel of her hands on his skin, the electricity of her lips. Shelby’s breath had quickened as he laid her back on the bed and gently spread her legs, but this time, under the tree, he didn’t stop when he saw the flash of fear in her eyes. He didn’t leave her lying on the bed, legs still spread – no, this time he whispered, “I’ll be gentle,” and he made love to her.
Chapter Twelve
“What’s wrong?” Devon asked, again.
He asked all day the previous day as well, and each time, Rick answered, “Nothing’s wrong, stop asking me that.” Rick had come to terms, as much as possible, with what happened between Shelby and himself, but the cloud that followed him around the bay that horrible day was a constant companion, trailing him mercilessly. The fact that he hadn’t followed his lust all the way did little to alleviate his guilt.
“Well, something’s going on with you, I can tell.”
Devon wouldn’t stop staring at him, so Rick assured him it was nothing more than sadness at leaving Erin. “Who knows when I’ll see her again, it could be years.”
“Are you sure it’s Erin you’re worried about leaving? It seems to me there’s more to it than that.”
“Of course it is, and I know what you’re referring to. That’s not it,” he said, trying to look resentful.
They were at the Islander for their final night, and it wasn’t just Rick with a heavy heart. Even Randy was missing the bounce and pep that was his norm. Erin played a dice game with Keith, leaving Kostas to man the bar by himself. She couldn’t look at Rick it seemed, without becoming weepy, so she chose to ignore him instead.
They spent the afternoon at the port cafe, where the friends they made over the last six weeks stopped by to wish them continued success and safe travels. Morgan sat with them at the cafe, constantly bemoaning the sense of loss their departure would cast upon the island. Larry and Judy stopped for a coffee and invited them to dinner, but Rick politely declined, saying they had plans (thankfully) with Erin and Kostas. Devon asked after Shelby, and Judy shook her head, informing them, that once again, Shelby was grounded.
Rick hadn’t seen her since the terrible incident at her house, and the thought of leaving the island without an opportunity to clear the air between them had been eating at him since he left her. It wasn’t as if he knew what he would say, anyway. There didn’t seem to be any words to heal the pain he inflicted. Certainly, their relationship, given all the new emotions Rick experienced as a result, deserved a longer life, he thought. He had hoped the bond they formed was something he could always treasure, and someday cultivate into something more, but sitting at the bar this last night, he realized he had broken that bond irreparably.
Randy and Morgan danced to a slow tune, giving an appearance of attachment and regret at parting. The two-week affair was a record for Randy, and if the rumors were true, it was a record for Morgan, as well. He knew Randy thought the romance gave him a depth that he had been lacking, and he played it to the hilt. Rick listened as Randy whined about his imminent loss, and how all his feelings should make for some great love songs, but even Keith had trouble keeping a straight face as Randy spoke of his
great love
.
“What’s the first thing you’re gonna do when you get back?” Devon aked, and from his tone, Rick was certain he had to repeat the question several times.
“Take a really hot shower...” Hot water was one of the things that seemed to be in short supply in Greece, and warm to tepid showers were getting old.
“I want a Big Mac,” Keith said.
“What about you,” Rick asked Devon, “what’s the first thing you’re gonna do?”
“I’m gonna find me a big ol’ bag of Mexican weed and dive in. You may not see me for a few days...or a week.” The idea appealed to Rick too, hoping the return to familiar patterns might ease the uncomfortable feelings that he’d recently become accustomed to.
Erin, rolled her eyes at the pot reference, and added, “If I were going back with you, I would turn on the tube, watch until my eyes started to bleed, and pig out on Mexican food.” As a teenager on the road with Smoke n’ Mirrors, Erin spent much of her time in hotel rooms, glued to reruns of Gilligan’s Island and Petticoat Junction while the guys rehearsed or played shows. Rick wondered that she never had a weight problem, sitting for hours on end, eating junk food and watching TV.
Keith left his game with Erin to dance solo to Bob Marley, who wailed
Stir It Up
, signaling that it was past midnight, and, therefore, officially the day of departure. Randy and Morgan sat in a dark corner of the club, necking like teenagers. Devon was talking about plans for upcoming shows with Rick, and had some crazy idea about adding pyrotechnics to the stage show – very un-Devon-like – when he looked over Rick’s shoulder and said, “There she is! I was starting to think we might not see you again in time.”
Rick’s head snapped around to find Shelby walking towards them. She looked directly at Devon, avoiding Rick’s eyes. As she got closer, he could see bruises on her face and arms.
“What the hell happened to you?” Devon asked.
She quickly looked away, turning a dark shade of red. “I got wasted and fell down the stairs the other night,” she said, daring a quick glance at Rick.
“A little young to be drinking, aren’t you?” Devon asked.
“I know, it was stupid,” she admitted, her gaze returning to Devon.
“And isn’t it a little late for you to be out? We heard you were grounded.”
“I know, but I had to come say goodbye before you leave.” Again, she directed her comment to Devon.
“Well, I’m glad you did, even if you did have to sneak out. We’d a hated to have missed you!”
Rick scrambled for something to say, but came up empty. Keith returned from his dance, and put his arm around Shelby, giving her a quick squeeze. She winced in pain, but Keith didn’t notice. “You gonna keep in touch and come see us when you come back to the States?” he asked.
“You know I will,” she said. “Might be a long time though.” She still wouldn’t meet Rick’s eyes, even though he followed hers relentlessly. She was a different girl than the one he left several days ago. Something had changed, and Rick couldn’t put his finger on what that change was exactly, but it was definitely noticeable.
“How’s the song writing going? You’re gonna keep up with the guitar, right?” Keith asked.
“I will. I practice every day.”
Rick saw his opening to the conversation and jumped in. “She’s going to be great someday, she’ll show all of us how it’s done.” He waited nervously for her reaction, but she had none.
“Maybe someday, we’ll be the opening act for your show!” Keith teased.
“Well, that may be taking it a little far, if I’m lucky, I’ll at least be able to play a whole song.”
Rick decided to push his luck and address her directly. “Your songs are really good, you need to dedicate yourself to sticking with it, and one day, it will pay off. You’ve got such a good ear.” He turned to Devon and Keith, “She really does have a great ear, picks things up instantly.” If Shelby looked at him, he missed it, because he only saw her look at the floor. His shell necklace still hung around her neck, giving him some relief. She periodically reached up and touched it, but that was the only acknowledgement he received.
“Well, I’m sure you’ll do great,” Devon said. “You gonna say ‘bye’ to Randy? He’s over in the corner with Morgan.” Devon pointed to where the couple was fawning over one another.
“I suppose I’d better,” Shelby said, heading toward the two. As they watched her walk away, Rick knew they were all wondering the same thing: What had changed her so much? He figured he was to blame for her drunken mishap, but the difference he saw in her was almost more than he could take, and he couldn’t believe the ordeal would have such a dramatic effect on her.
There has to be more to it than that
.
“I sure hope we see her again,” said Devon.
“Oh, I’m sure we will,” Keith said.
Rick watched as Randy wrapped Shelby in a bear hug, and then led her onto the dance floor for one last dance. He pulled her to the middle of the floor, but Shelby worked them to the edge, away from the other dancers, her enthusiasm gone. Despite Randy’s best efforts to draw her out, she maintained her isolation, anonymous among the surrounding dancers, and rarely raised her eyes from the floor.
“She still seems a little pissed at you, Ricky,” Devon said.
“So it would seem,” he said, glad to have the handy excuse for her detached treatment.
Shelby gave Randy a final hug on the dance floor and returned to the bar. “Well, I guess I’d better be getting home before I get busted.” She gave Devon and Keith each a big hug, then turned to Rick. Finally, and briefly meeting his eye, she said, “Rick, thank you so much for your help. It was great meeting you.” She attempted a half-hug, as though touching him repulsed her, and walked away. He stood for a moment, stunned by her cold farewell, then followed after her.
“That’s all I get?” he asked, one step behind her.
“That’s all you deserve,” she said, without slowing down.
Rick reached out and grabbed her shoulder to stop her just before she reached the door. She turned toward him, her eyes fixed on the floor and full of tears. Taking a deep breath, Rick said, “Shelby, you have to know how sorry I am. I wish I could make you understand.”
“Oh, don’t worry, I understand perfectly.”
Rick didn’t know what she meant by that, because it was obvious she didn’t, but he put his arms around her and held her as tightly as he could. He didn’t care what Devon or anyone else thought, but she remained rigid in his embrace, until he finally released her and she left. As he watched her walk away, sorrow and pain engulfed him, he could feel his heart breaking into pieces, and he knew he would never be the same.
~
Unlocking the door to his hotel room, Rick walked in and felt something slide underfoot. He reached for the wall, turned on the light, and saw an envelope on the floor. Upon picking it up and opening it, he saw the letter was from Shelby. He wondered if she left it before he saw her at the club, or on her way home. He didn’t read it right away, but walked around the room, tapping the envelope on the furniture as he went. The impulse to throw the letter away, unread, came and went, but Rick couldn’t bring himself to read its contents. He hurt so much already, and he was sure whatever it said would do nothing but increase his pain.
He walked the letter out to the veranda, just down the hall from his room, and once seated, lit a cigarette. Rick saw how his actions affected Shelby, he wasn’t sure he could stand to see it spelled out, his transgression detailed. When he asked the guys if she’d given them any more information or clues to explain her state, they had no answers to lessen his guilt. Finally, he breathed deeply, and by the light of the moon, read: