“I’ll take the shower, but seriously,” he motioned around the room with his hand, “don’t mess with this. I can take care of it.”
“I’m just going to get it started is all.”
“Don’t. I will do it. I don’t need you picking up after me.”
She dropped the folded garbage bags to the floor and held up her hands. “Fine, I won’t touch anything. Just go.”
He nodded triumphantly and headed back toward the bathroom. Once the shower was going and he stepped into the hot spray, he felt the tension of the unexpected visit and being found out begin to melt away. He took his time as he lathered up, and tried to remember why he’d felt so terrible the night before. He wasn’t anxious to win, but didn’t anticipate the wave of emotions that crushed him so violently. Remembering their intensity sent a chill through his body, despite the steaming water.
When he was sure he’d rinsed all the grime and some of the despair down the drain, he stepped out and looked around for a towel. The only one was in with a pile of dirty clothes, so he pulled it out from the middle of the heap and gave it a few shakes. He brought it up to dry his face, but the stench of mildew made him instinctively hold the towel away. He dropped it back to the pile and determined he could just air dry as he shaved.
He heard the garbage disposal run for a minute and silently cursed Julia for any efforts at cleaning. The smell of coffee brewing filled his nostrils as he finished, explaining her use of the garbage disposal, and with relief, he noticed that he felt almost normal. Counting on his fingers, he tried to determine if today was a pill day or not. He couldn’t remember, but decided with Julia there, it would be easiest to make it a pill day.
Still naked, he sprinted from the bathroom to his bedroom. Closing the door behind him, he went to work scrounging for something to wear. What he found didn’t really match, and the hole under the arm of the stained t-shirt screamed bum, but he didn’t care. He walked around to the other side of the bed to retrieve the bottle of pills before going out to face Julia again, but they weren’t there. He looked on the floor around the nightstand, but didn’t see them. He fell to his knees and searched under the bed, but found nothing. He stood back up and looked all around. Thinking he’d possibly brought them into the bed, he stripped the sheets and blankets away – still nothing. He ransacked the room before he finally sat on the bed in defeat. Closing his eyes, he replayed the previous evening through his mind, hoping to recall where he’d put them.
No, I know they were right here
.
Then, the realization hit him.
Julia
. He ran for the kitchen, but stopped before opening the door. He could hear Julia talking to someone, and pressed his ear to the door to listen.
“I don’t know, there’s no label, but I’m sure it was Percocet,” he heard her say. The silence that followed told him that she was on the phone. “They were by his bed, so I know he’s been taking them. I’m not kidding Devon, you should see this place. You can’t even imagine how filthy it is, not to mention it looks like he’s been using the walls as punching bags. I think he’s completely out of control, and he’s living like an animal –”
Rick shoved the door open with both hands and entered the room. Julia, obviously startled by his loud entrance, put the earpiece of the phone against her chest. In her other hand, she held his bottle of pills. Nervously, she asked, “Ricky, do you want some coffee?”
He stood perfectly still, breathing heavily as anger consumed him. The room seemed to shrink in size as blood rushed to his head, and his focus closed in on her.
“I made some, f-fresh.”
“What the fuck Julia?” he shouted. “You’re going through my things?” He strode across the room and yanked the phone out of her hands, “And you’re fucking ratting me out to Devon?” He slammed the earpiece onto the receiver, grabbed the phone, and threw it against the wall.
“I – I wasn’t ratting you out, Ricky. We just want what’s best –”
“What’s best? For me? My ass, you do!” He lunged to take the bottle from her, but she quickly put her hand behind her back. “Give them to me, now!” He was still yelling and knew he sounded unnatural, but didn’t care. “Now, Goddamn it!”
Julia tried to make a run for it, but he grabbed her by the arm and jerked her back before she could get away. She had tears in her eyes and cried out as he twisted the bottle out of her hand, but he just glared at her in contempt. “Get out!” he commanded, pointing to the door.
By the time she reached the kitchen door, she was crying. “You know what Ricky? You’re an asshole, a stupid, fucked-up asshole!”
The phone was already ringing as she ran out the front door. Rick went around the house and pulled any remaining phone cords from the walls. Once he’d disabled them all and the ringing stopped, he returned to the kitchen, and with shaky hands, attempted to pour a cup of coffee. All through his body, he felt his pulse throbbing. He removed the lid from the bottle and turned it to its side to tap a few pills into his hand. Nothing came out. He tipped it further without success. Shaking his head, he slowly turned the bottle upside down. The sound of the garbage disposal running earlier filled his head. He closed his eyes, gritted his teeth, turned, and threw the bottle as hard as he could. It made a hollow, popping sound as it hit the wall.
“FUCKING BITCH!” he screamed, batting his coffee off the counter. The hot liquid shot in all directions and the cup spun through the air and broke against the wall. Rick leaned against the counter and tried to calm himself.
It’s okay, it’s not that big a deal. You can get some more later. Do some coke for now to calm down, then call Bob
. He knew the coke wouldn’t calm him, but he started toward his bedroom to get it anyway. As he passed the couch, he saw Julia’s coat still draped there. He ran to the door and looked out. Sure enough, Julia was there, sitting in her car. Rick opened the door and descended the steps. She was leaning over the steering wheel, still sobbing.
“Julia?” he called.
Seeing him approach, she quickly reached around the car and depressed all the door locks. “You stay away from me,” she cried.
“Why did you take them Julia?” he asked, pressing his hands against the window, looking at her through the glass. She was trembling and climbing over the seat to the other side of the car.
“I mean it. You stay away,” she yelled.
It finally dawned on him that she thought he meant to harm her. “Julia,” he said more calmly. “Do you honestly think I’d hurt you?”
“I don’t know what you’ll do.”
“Look, I know I got mad, but I swear, I would never hurt you.” He backed away from the door, so she could see him. “If I really wanted to get at you, I’d go in and get your keys, I know they’re in your coat, or you’d be gone.”
She didn’t answer, and she didn’t move. Seeing she was still afraid, Rick let his anger go, but shame quickly rushed in to take its place. He returned to the car and leaned back against her door. Slowly, he slid down the side until he was sitting on the ground.
“I know you think I’ve lost it, and maybe I have,” he said. “I can’t tell you why I freaked out like that. I guess it just felt like my privacy was violated, like you were pushing yourself on me or something.” He sat, knees bent, dragging his fingers through the gravel surrounding him.
“Why have you been hiding out, Ricky?” Julia sounded very close, and Rick looked up to see the window rolled down a little and her head sticking out. “Why are you pushing everyone away, and how did you let yourself get like this?”
“I don’t know,” he said, banging his head back against the car door. “It kinda crept up on me, but I think it doubled when all this Grammy shit started.”
“Why? It’s a huge honor, I mean, it’s the entire industry saying ‘you’re the best’ because of what you created.”
“But I’m not! That’s just it. It…it happened, it’s like lightning, it’ll never happen again, but now, people expect it.” He sighed, “I can play bass, and I can sing reasonably well. That’s it, and I’ve always been okay with that – nothing more, nothing less. Everything I do from here on out will be a disappointment.”
“Is that what you think? That everyone expects only greatness from you now?”
Rick picked up a pebble and threw it into the trees in front of him. “I don’t think it, I know it.” He looked back up at her. She had rolled the window all the way down and was resting her cheek on her arms.
“Why? What makes you think that?”
“For one thing, Randy has all but quit writing songs.” And he had. Most of the songs on the new album were rejects from previous years. “Everyone keeps asking me when I’m gonna give them a new one, ‘Have you written another song yet Ricky? You gotta start working on a new song Ricky!’ Nag, nag, nag. It’s all they do.”
Julia chuckled as he mimicked Devon and Randy, but didn’t say anything, so Rick continued. “And now that we won, it’s only gonna get worse. You know it is,” he said, looking up at her again.
“And what about the pills?”
“What about them?”
“Why are you taking them again? Have you forgotten how bad it was? You almost died, Ricky.”
“No, I haven’t forgotten, but they help. And I don’t take them all the time.”
“What do they help, Ricky?”
“Me,” he laughed, but Julia didn’t. Rick carefully considered his next answer. “I don’t know. I used to need them for pain, but now I think I need them just to cope.” Though he complained his back hurt, the pain had ceased long ago.
“When did you start taking them again?”
“When we started the
Slave to the Night
tour.”
“Oh my God, Ricky, that was almost two years ago.”
“I know.”
They were silent for a minute, and then Julia cautiously asked, “Ricky? There is no Tammy, is there?”
He didn’t answer right away, but the sting of tears came to his eyes as he said, “No.”
In the distance they could hear a car coming up the road. Rick knew it was Devon, in fact, he was surprised it took him so long to get there. Gravel sprayed through the air as Devon slid into the driveway. Before he got out of the car, Rick looked up and said, “I’m really sorry, Julia.”
She reached down and scratched the top of his head. “I know you are.”
Chapter Thirty
Devon stepped out of the car, eyeing them both carefully. He tipped his head back in salute and said, “What’s going on?”
Rick swallowed hard, but couldn’t bring himself to tell Devon what had transpired. Julia spoke first, “Nothing, we’re just talking.”
He looked back and forth between the two suspiciously. Slowly approaching, he asked Julia, “You okay?”
“I’m fine,” she answered, but Rick knew Devon could tell by her tear and mascara stained face that there was a bigger story. Julia looked past Devon to the car. “Is Eli in the back?”
Devon stopped in his tracks, color draining from his face. Julia tried to open the car door, but Rick still rested against it. A few hard kicks sent Rick sprawling forward. Jumping out of the car, she stormed up to Devon. “You’d better either tell me he’s in the back, or you left him with the neighbors!” He stared back at her, still as white as a ghost.
“You idiot,” she screamed, pushing past him and getting into his car. “Keys! Keys, give me the keys,” she yelled, stretching out her hand.
Devon tossed her the keys. As she started the engine and backed away, he ran after her with his hands on the door. “I’ll call the neighbors and be two minutes behind you.” He let go as she tore out of the driveway. “Fuck! Fuck, fuck!” he repeated as he headed toward the house. “Damn you Ricky!”
“Uh, Devon?”
“What?” he said, stomping his way up the steps.
“I think I broke all the phones.”
Devon stopped in the door and turned to face Rick who was right on his heels. “You did what?”
“I don’t think any of them are gonna work, I pulled all the cords,” he admitted. “But I bet I can splice some wires together, just let me get a knife.” Rick went inside and headed for the kitchen, but Devon stopped him.
“Forget it, just come on.” He turned and headed for Julia’s car. Rick grabbed Julia’s coat as he passed the couch and followed Devon outside.
“You know you’re lucky I forgot the kid Ricky, otherwise, I’d be kicking your ass right about now,” he said as he slid into the driver’s seat.
“Yeah, I know you’d be trying,” Rick said. He opened the passenger door and handed the coat to Devon. “I think the keys are in there,” he said, closing the door.
Devon reached across and reopened the door. “Oh no you don’t. Get in here, you’re coming with me.”
Rick considered refusing, knowing what a hurry Devon was in, but the look on Devon’s face made it impossible, so he threw Julia’s coat in the back and climbed in. As soon as he closed his door, Devon threw the car into
drive
and took off. Rick looked over to find Julia’s purse beside him on the seat, open, and his bag of cocaine nestled between her checkbook and hairbrush. Out of the corner of his eye, he looked to see if Devon was watching, then slowly reached his hand into the purse and eased the bag out, but Devon’s focus was on the curves of the road as he raced down the hill. Just as carefully, Rick slipped the bag into his pocket. He waited for Devon to rip into him, but Devon had other things on his mind, and they rode in silence.
When they arrived, the security gate was still open, so Devon slid around the corner and sped up the driveway to the house. Julia had parked his car haphazardly and left the door open. Devon stopped directly behind it, jumped out of the car, and ran for the house. As soon as he was out of sight, Rick removed the bag of coke from his pants. He opened it and scooped some of the white powder up with his fingers. He felt the uncut chunks knocking around as they flew up his nostrils, but didn’t care. He snorted as much as he could in the short period he knew he had. When he was done, he stuffed the bag back in his pocket, grabbed Julia’s purse and coat, and followed Devon inside, stopping to close the car door along the way.
Once inside, he found Julia talking to Devon, and Keith on the couch, crashing toy trucks with Eli. Rick surmised Keith must have stopped by, found Eli alone, and saved the day. They all stared as he entered, Devon in anger, Julia with compassion, and Keith in concern. Rick looked away and feigned a coughing fit to allow a moment to sniff heavily without raising suspicion. Eli crawled off the couch and ran to him, calling, “Wicky!” Rick reached down and picked him up, tossing Julia’s purse and coat to a nearby chair.