“Hey buddy,” he said as they exchanged kisses.
Eli touched his finger to Rick’s nose. “You funny,” the little boy said.
Julia grabbed her purse and opened it to inspect the contents. Closing it, she held her hand out to Rick. “Hand it over,” she said with a sigh.
“Hand what over?” Devon asked, coming closer. “Did you get in her purse, Ricky?”
Rick stood like a statue, unable to move or speak. The cocaine was hitting him hard, and he began to realize that by snorting piles from his fingers, he had used much more than he was accustomed to, and he was becoming increasingly agitated. When he lowered Eli to the ground, Devon approached him and reached out to pad him down. Rick jumped away and pulled his fist back, ready to defend himself in case Devon came near him again.
“What the fuck? Who the hell do you think you are, my fucking dad?”
Devon put his palms out, motioning for Rick to settle down, and opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off.
“Fucking dad!” Eli repeated with a giggle. Julia grabbed him by the arm and swatted his butt. Devon’s eyes doubled in size, hearing that word escape his son’s lips.
“You don’t say that! Go to your room and play, Mommy will be there in a bit.”
Humiliated by the whack, the boy ran off toward his room in tears. When he was gone, Devon turned to Rick and said, “Only when you make me have save you from yourself.”
“But it’s none of your business what I do, and I don’t need
saving
. And you’re such a fucking hypocrite – it’s fine if you guys do it, but not if I do?” Rick sniffed deeply and wiped at his nose, his fist still clenched, but visibly shaking. He couldn’t remember having such a heavy rush before. Was this like last time? Maybe mixing everything the night before wasn’t such a great idea. Would it still be in his system? Last time craved coolness – yes, a fan would be good. He struggled to bring his focus back to his accusers and ignore the intense sensations.
“Ricky, we do it, but just once in a while. Julia said you had enough to open a store. That’s more than recreational, especially when you figure in the pills.” Devon paused to let his words sink in. “Do you realize that at this moment, you have powder all over your nose?”
He wiped at his nose again. “I have a system, and it works well. I don’t use either long enough to have any problems, so you guys can just back the hell off and mind your own business.”
Julia marched up to him. “Works well?” she demanded, only inches from his face. Devon pulled her away from Rick by her shoulders, but it didn’t stop her rant. “How is living like an animal, freaking out on people, making up girlfriends, and completely cutting your friends out of your life
working well
?” Rick wondered what happened to sympathetic Julia from his driveway.
“Making up girlfriends?” asked Keith, who was now standing beside them.
“Yes,” Julia said, while Devon continued to restrain her. “There is no Tammy. Never was. He made her up so, so we wouldn’t suspect he’s been holed up in that pig sty of a house trying to kill himself.”
“Goddamn it! I’m not trying to kill myself.
Jesus
, what is with you people?”
Keith stepped between the condemning Julia, and Rick, who was still ready to attack. “Let’s all take a minute and calm down, okay?” He turned to Rick. “First of all, Ricky, you don’t look too good, are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Rick said, though he felt anything but. Slowly, he lowered his arms to his sides.
“You took the coke out of Julia’s purse, your nose is covered in powder, and you look like you’re about to fall over swinging. Are you sure you’re okay? How much did you do?” Keith asked, keeping his tone soft and non-threatening. “Here,” he said, slowly reaching out to pull Rick toward him. “Come sit down.”
“Should we call an ambulance?” Julia asked, suddenly anxious about his condition.
Rick allowed Keith to lead him to a chair, and sat. “No, but will you get him a wet towel and a glass of water?” Keith asked. Julia hurried out of the room.
Keith knelt down in front of him, and Rick felt Keith’s hand slip around his wrist. “Do you remember how much you did Ricky?”
Rick looked at him in confusion.
“How much coke did you do?”
He looked up to see Devon watching, waiting for his answer.
How much was it?
He wasn’t even sure. He remembered piling it on his fingertips, and the rocks painfully hitting his sinus passages. “I think it was a lot,” he answered finally.
“Did you take anything else?” Keith asked calmly, and Rick shook his head.
“I don’t think so. I took some pills last night. Oh, and laced a joint.”
“Don’t smoke that shit, Ricky. It’s dangerous.”
Julia returned with the towel and water and handed them to Keith. He wrapped the towel around Rick’s neck and instructed him to hold it up to his face. Rick did, relishing the sudden coolness, but he refused the water. Through the towel, he could hear the others talking.
“His pulse is really high. I don’t suppose you guys have a valium or anything?” Keith asked.
“I think I do,” Julia said. “But why? You can’t give him more drugs.”
“It will bring his heart rate down,” Devon explained. “You want to go see if you can find it, babe?”
“Sure. Should I make some coffee?” she asked.
“No!” Keith and Devon answered simultaneously.
Rick took the towel away from his face and watched as Julia left the room. He looked at the other two. They each wore a grave expression. “I’ll be okay,” he assured them, but he was becoming alarmed himself – alarmed by their concern, the excessive warmth he felt, and his heart palpitations. It felt a little too much like it did when he’d over-dosed years before.
Julia returned and placed a pill in Keith’s outstretched hand. He examined the pill and pressed into Rick’s palm. “Take this.” He pointed to the glass of water, Devon handed it to him, and he passed it to Rick. “You keep that towel on, okay? And let me know if you start feeling worse, or like you’re gonna pass out.” Rick nodded. “And let me know if the towel gets too warm.” Rick handed him the towel.
“The drip is slowing down I think,” he said as Keith handed the towel off to Julia.
“Good, that’s a good sign. I don’t think you’ve overdosed, but you’re giving your heart a hard workout. We’ve just got to let it work through your system. It won’t take long.” Keith’s grin was reassuring.
Within an hour, feeling a little calmer, he stood to head to the bathroom. Devon stopped him and held out his hand. Rick silently cursed and retrieved the bag from his pocket. He continued on his way to the bathroom without a word. Once inside, he opened the window and began to inspect the screen to determine the best way to remove it without causing much damage. He could head off on foot and call Bob from a payphone.
“Getting some air?” Keith stood a few feet outside in the dormant grass.
“Something like that,” he said, closing the window.
~
They spent the rest of the afternoon watching TV and taking turns playing with Eli. Rick was aware that they were all watching him, as well. Antsy now, he began to wonder what it would take to get the hell out of there.
Just before dark the doorbell rang and Julia jumped up to answer it. “There’s the food I bet.” She opened the door to reveal Randy holding sacks and several buckets of chicken.
“Am I just in time for the party?” Randy asked, following Julia to the dining area.
“What are you doing here?” Rick asked.
“Devon called me and said you guys were all sitting around hungry, bring food.”
Rick nodded, beginning to get a picture of exactly what he was up against. The fact that Keith remained and Randy appeared made it obvious they were planning to gang up on him. The situation looked grim.
He knew they wouldn’t let him leave, but he stood anyway. “You know, I think I’m gonna call a cab. I’m feeling much better. I’m not very hungry, and it’s been a long day.”
Devon looked at him and shook his head. “Sit your ass down, Ricky. You’re not going anywhere.”
Rick was about to tell him to go to hell, but Eli walked up to him with his hands on his hips in a perfect imitation of Devon, and said, “Wicky! Sit down!”
Rick reached down with a sigh, and tousled his hair. “Okay buddy.” He picked Eli up and placed him in his highchair. “You hungry?”
Eli nodded enthusiastically.
~
After Eli was in bed for the night, the confrontation Rick dreaded began. It started with Julia describing the scene at his house – the condition of the place, what she found, and his behavior toward her. She told them about their conversation at the car, the things he had confided to her, the things he really didn’t want the guys to know.
Out of all of it, Randy was most intrigued with the imaginary girlfriend. “I just can’t believe you made all that stuff up, I mean, the details you gave were great. You even had me a little jealous. How did you come up with that shit?”
Rick looked at him in disbelief. “You asked me for details, and I got most of it from your questions, it was like you were feeding me the answers you wanted to hear. It wasn’t hard.”
The progressing conversation had him seething. They were all standing at this point, attacking him, insisting he needed help, and he knew his responses sounded too defensive. All day, he had been thinking of his best argument, so, he pulled it out at last, and went with it. He stood to face them, and began, “Look, I know you guys are worried, but you really don’t have to be. The Grammy’s are over, the pressure…I’ll figure out how to deal with it. That was the main reason things got so out of control. Today, with the massive amount of coke? It happens. We’ve all over indulged once or twice, I panicked and made a mistake. It’s really not as bad as you guys think.”
“Ricky, I heard you over the phone, yelling at my wife, you were ready to punch me earlier, and that’s just not like you,” Devon said, taking a wide stance, and placing his hands on his hips. “You’ve been harder to get along with, nasty to us, and you won’t give anyone else the time of day. I’ve actually wanted to say something for a long time, because it’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore.”
Rick shook his head. “Maybe that’s just who I’ve become – an asshole. Sorry you don’t like me this way. It has nothing to do with drugs or pills. I can go days without pills. I can go days without coke. It not the problem you think it is.”
Quiet up until this point, Keith finally spoke up, and asked, “But can you go days without either one? I mean, it’s great you can go without one or the other, but what about going without anything?”
“I’m sure I can, and I will, just to show you guys. You’re all making such a big deal out of nothing.”
Julia approached him. “Ricky, you know we love you, right?” She cupped his face in the palm of her hand.
“Of course I do,” he said, covering her hand with his own. The sound of his own, overly defensive comments echoed through his head, and her soft touch calmed him.
“You’re not an asshole, and you’d never do anything to hurt me, or any of us, right?”
“You know I wouldn’t, and I’m sorry I made you guys think I would.”
Julia held up her other hand, pulled her sleeve back, and displayed her wrist for Rick to see, it was swollen and bruised. “You did this to me today.”
He swallowed hard, and felt a chill run down his spine as he watched Julia try to hold back tears. He wrapped his arms around her. “Oh God sweetie, I’m so sorry,” he said as his own tears stung his eyes.
“I know you are, Ricky.”
He held her desperately close for a minute, shocked and ashamed of what he had done. While he remembered grabbing the bottle from her hand, he had no idea he’d been that brutal
. No wonder she was so afraid of me in the car
. Images of his own bruises suffered at the hands of his father flashed through his head, and he realized his recent outbursts were no different from the ones he’d endured at the mercy of that vile man’s temper. He pursed his lips, and long buried emotions overtook him – he could no longer hold back the tears. At length, he pulled away and asked, “Okay. What do you want me to do? Tell me what to do.”
“I want you to get help. I want you to go someplace where they can help you, and you can get well, okay?” She brushed the hair away from his eyes.
“Okay,” he said, pulling her close again, hoping to find relief from the ambush of emotions.
When he thought he could speak again, he turned to Devon. “What about the album?”
“It can wait. We can wait.”
“Are you guys sure?”
“We’ve never gone wrong waiting for you before,” Keith joked, but then, in a more serious tone, he said, “You’re more important than any album, Ricky. Of course we’ll wait.”
~
The next morning, Devon and Julia drove him to a treatment center, waited with him as he apprehensively checked in, and promised to visit soon. It was Rick’s twenty-eighth birthday, he didn’t even notice until he was filling out his admission forms, and had to ask for the date. He felt much older.
Chapter Thirty-One
Spring 1984
The stage lights slowly came up as Randy began the opening chords of
Cycle the Abyss
. The crowd hushed to hear what the next song would be, but began cheering and screaming once they recognized it. Rick stepped up, adjusted the microphone, and began the song. As soon as he started to sing, the crowd quieted. He exchanged a grin with Randy after the first verse. The song, Rick’s second, was climbing the charts as they toured. It became so popular, they ended up changing the set to include it toward the end of the show, and eventually made it one of their encore songs.
His voice strained under the emotion the song revived, each time, it was the same. It never lost its impact, no matter how many times he performed it, and the audience felt his pain as he sang. Everyone, it seemed, had a similar experience to relate to the song. Knowing so many people took that same journey helped soften the memories.