It would certainly put a damper on the wedding. Then, he started to wonder if there would even be a wedding. He didn’t have the heart to back out on Beth, but he wasn’t sure what her reaction to the miscarriage would be. He recalled Keith’s words of wisdom. Since their discussion, Rick had been concerned with just how messy things might become, and if ever there
were
a time to back out, this would be it. The next few weeks would tell, maybe even the next few days. He finished his drink and headed inside to join Beth in bed.
~
It was just three days later when Beth brought up the subject of the wedding. After seeing her doctor, they stopped at a diner for lunch. During the appointment they learned the miscarriage was clean, and the doctor told them they could start trying again after Beth’s next cycle – if they wanted to. Neither of them had any reaction to the news.
They had spoken little since the miscarriage. Rick wasn’t sure what he could say, and he knew Beth grieved. He decided it was best just to react to anything she said rather than initiate any conversation. At lunch, she was finally ready to talk.
“What are we going to do?” she asked. Seeing his confusion, she added, “about the wedding.”
A thick fog filled his mind and he couldn’t find an answer, he could barely comprehend the question. “I don’t know,” he answered at length, just to say something.
Beth studied him, and he could tell she felt lost and hoped to find direction from him. She looked away finally and started playing with her empty sugar wrapper. He watched as she rolled it into a scroll, and flattened it again. “We don’t have to get married. We can call off the wedding. It’s not too late.”
“You don’t want to get married?” he asked, trying not to sound hopeful.
“I do. I…I actually don’t know. Things happened kind of fast for us.”
Rick nodded. “Maybe we should just postpone it,” he suggested. “Wait until this summer and make sure we still want to go through with it.”
This time, Beth nodded. “I just feel so confused and let down. I think that since we have the chance, we should slow things down, make sure we’re doing it for the right reasons.” She looked up from the rumpled packet.
He could see she was fighting back tears, but he wasn’t going to disagree or say anything that might change her mind, so he just took her hands and stared back at her.
“Okay?” she asked. He nodded again. “I’ll call my folks tonight and let them know, and you should call Erin as soon as possible so they can cancel their flight.”
“Yeah, I suppose I should,” he said, suddenly aware that the weight of the past few weeks was gone, and also aware of just how heavy that weight had been. He knew he had tears in his eyes as well, tears of relief.
Beth squeezed his hands. “We’ll be okay,” she assured him. “We just need some time.”
~
A cold December breeze blew across Rick’s deck, belying the bright sun beating down, and they all pulled their jackets a little closer. The snow had melted, but the cold remained. The only thing keeping them from going inside was the little warmth they felt where the sun touched and the need to discuss the upcoming tour in private. Julia, Morgan, and Beth were busy inside, preparing the usual Christmas dishes. They would not approve of the direction the conversation was taking.
“Ultimately, you have to make the call Ricky,” Devon said. “You know what you’re up for and what you’re not.”
“I know, I just worry about what’s going to happen if we get out there, and I find out it wasn’t a good idea. I mean, where would that leave you guys? I don’t want to commit to it, and then have to turn around and leave you hanging.”
Randy rubbed his hands together in an effort to warm them and then stuck them back in his pockets. “I can’t even, don’t even, want to imagine being on the road without you. I mean, if we absolutely have to, we can hire someone. You can have an understudy, yeah, we can hire an understudy,” he said with great enthusiasm.
“An understudy, that’s funny,” Rick said, but didn’t laugh.
“It’s actually a really good idea,” said Devon, nodding as he spoke. A plan was obviously forming in his head. “That way, if you needed a day off, or just don’t think you could do it, we’d be covered.”
Keith nodded too, but he was watching his girlfriend, Mia, through the window as she performed her yoga stretches in the living room. His head tilted to the side, and he licked his lips. She was just twenty-one, but looked sixteen. No one had been able to get any real conversation from her and she seemed out of place.
“I suppose we could,” Rick said, pulling up the collar of his coat. “Beth will be pissed though. I kind of promised…well, I didn’t promise, I just gave her the impression that I’d be around for a while.”
“She’s gonna have to get used to the life eventually,” Devon said.
Rick nodded and tried to imagine how the conversation would go. He knew if he told Beth he was going on tour, she’d be angry, but she wouldn’t stay that way. She seemed eager to do anything to please, almost as though she was afraid he might back out of their engagement at any moment.
The glass door to the house slid open, and Beth stepped out onto the deck. She walked over to Rick and kissed him on the top of his head. “What are you guys doing out here?” she asked. “It’s freezing!”
Rick put his arm around her waist and pulled her close. “Nothing, just talking.”
“Yeah? About what?” she asked, snuggling in closer for warmth.
Rick opened his mouth to say he was listening to the guys talk about the tour, but before he could speak, Keith announced, “We were talking about how Ricky’s gonna need an understudy on the tour.” As he spoke, he continued to watch Mia through the glass door as she turned over into Downward Facing Dog.
Rick felt Beth’s body tense under his hand. All eyes glared at Keith, but he didn’t notice.
“You’re going on tour?” she asked after a long silence.
“I think I might,” he said, deciding it was best to admit it now and get it over with.
“But I thought you weren’t ready for that physically. You said you weren’t ready.” By now, she had wriggled away from his embrace and stood facing him with her hands on her hips.
“And that’s why we were talking about getting him an understudy,” Randy said.
“Was I talking to you?” she asked without taking her eyes off Rick.
Randy and Devon looked at each other, stood, and headed toward the door. As they entered the house, Devon looked back to Keith who was still staring through the glass. “Hey, Keith,” Devon waved at him. “We’re going in, come on.”
Keith looked around in confusion, but rose and followed Devon inside.
Beth continued the stare-down. Why did he have to justify himself to her? They weren’t even married. “So let’s hear it. You’re obviously pissed, so let it out.”
Finally, she took her hands off her hips and pulled a chair to face his and sat down. “Are you sure you want to do this, babe?” she asked, taking his hand in hers.
He squeezed it. “I do.”
“I was hoping we wouldn’t have to deal with this for a while – you being on the road. I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle it.”
Rick could see she was trying to hold back tears, so he leaned closer and ran his hand through her hair. “What are you afraid of?”
As she looked up at him, the first tear fell down her cheek and onto his hand. “I’m… I’m,” she took a deep breath and started again. “I’m afraid of losing you. I know when you’re on the road the women throw themselves at you, and I can’t handle that. If something were to happen, if you were to slip up and sleep with one of them…” She shook her head, and as she did, more tears fell into her lap. “I won’t put up with that shit, I won’t.”
Rick pulled her towards him and kissed her tear stained cheeks, “I wouldn’t do that to you, babe, ever.” He leaned his head against hers and looked her in the eye. “Ever,” he repeated.
Beth smiled sheepishly and kissed him. “I also worry about you slipping up the other way,” she said, pulling away slightly.
“What other way”
“The pills? You know if you’re on stage every night your back is going to hurt. What will you do? How will you handle it?”
“I’ll be fine. I have my exercises that help, and I have my super duper Tylenol,” he joked. “It hardly ever hurts anymore, anyway.” After he said it, his smile faded and he began to worry. The exercises didn’t do much, and the Tylenol was a joke.
The door slid open and Mia stuck her head out, “They told me to let you guys know that dinner’s ready.”
They both chuckled, knowing the reason Mia was chosen to make the announcement. Rick stood and pulled Beth up to him. He hugged her close, and as he did, he whispered in her ear, “You don’t have to worry, I promise.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Spring 1981
Rick walked along the narrow hallway leading to the courtesy room, exhausted from the show. His back ached like hell because he hadn’t allowed himself to take a pain pill before the concert. They were too easy to rely on and he didn’t want to slip back into the habit. He also wanted to call Beth before he took one. When they spoke on the phone, he could always tell she was trying to gauge his conversation to determine if he was high.
Devon was two steps behind him, and Randy was a few steps ahead. Rick looked back for Keith, but he was nowhere in sight. Johnny herded them into the V.I.P. dressing room, pushing away autograph seekers and amateur photographers. Rick rushed through the door – he was in pain and regretting his decision to tour for so long.
He headed for the courtesy phone and took it as far away from everyone as the cord would allow. He dialed the number and waited for Beth to answer.
“Hey, we’re done,” Rick said. “Did I wake you? No, I’m gonna head to the hotel. I’m really tired, and my back is a little sore. I just want to go to bed.” Rick tried to speak quietly, but the noise in the room was growing, and soon he found he had to shout into the phone. “I miss you too. How was your day?” The room was filling up with reporters, photographers, local DJs, and people wearing V.I.P. passes. “I said, how was your day?” Rick shouted again. “Never mind, I’ll call you tomorrow,” Rick relented. “I’ll call you tomorrow!” he yelled.
He hung up the phone and turned to face the mayhem closing in on him. He found Johnny in the crowd and whistled to get his attention. When Johnny looked over, Rick mouthed “please,” hoping Johnny could see the urgency in his eyes. Johnny nodded and headed in his direction. He led Rick through a door into a smaller room lined with couches and sitting chairs.
“Stay in here. Do you want something? Food, something to drink?”
“Is there any beer? I need to take a pill,” Rick said.
Johnny pointed to a small refrigerator in the corner of the room before he headed back out into the noise. Rick removed a can of beer from the fridge, opened it, and popped two pills from his pocket. He settled back onto one of the couches and waited for relief. Sometime later, the door opened and Rick opened one eye to see Devon enter the room, followed closely by Keith and Randy.
Rick sat up as Randy joined him on the couch. “Man, what the hell happened to you two? Devon and I had to go it alone.”
“I couldn’t take it tonight,” Rick said, but his voice seemed distant, the effect of the pills now clouding his brain, and he laid back down.
“And what about you?” Randy asked, looking at Keith.
Keith looked smug and shook his head. “You guys missed it. I ran into an old friend.” As he spoke, he pulled a cassette tape from his pocket.
“Oh yeah, who’d you see?” Randy asked.
“You’ll never believe it,” Keith said, tapping the cassette on his knee.
“You gonna tell us, or just piss me off?” Randy asked.
“I was heading for the hallway, right behind you guys, and I heard a familiar voice yelling my name.” With this, he looked at Rick and kicked his foot to make sure he was awake and listening. Rick nodded. “So, I stop and start scanning the people standing at the gate, looking for the voice. You know who I saw?” They all shook their heads.
“Shelby.”
“She’s here?” Rick sat up quickly, but had to lean right back from the immediate head rush.
“She is, or she was. She’s gone now.”
“Oh my God, what did she say? Why didn’t you bring her back here?” Randy asked.
“She said she had to be somewhere. She wanted to come see everyone, but said she really had to go. I guess she lives here, anyway, she gave me this.” Keith again thumped the cassette on his knee. Without explaining the cassette any further, he continued, almost to himself, “I don’t know why she said she didn’t have time – she didn’t seem to be in any hurry to go anywhere. She talked to me for a long time.” Then he turned to Devon, “She said to tell you sorry you couldn’t make lunch today, and she hopes you can next time you’re in town. She also said to thank you for the tickets.”
Rick shook his head, trying to clear the drug-induced fog. He looked at Devon. “You were supposed to have lunch with her?”
“Yeah, but we got in late, so I had to cancel.”
“You knew she lived here? You never said anything.” Rick shook his head again. “I didn’t know you guys kept in touch.” He stared at Devon in disbelief. He couldn’t get his mind around the idea that Devon had anything to do with Shelby beyond Paros.
“We write and call each other once in a while.” Devon nodded toward the cassette Keith held and grinned mischievously. “Is that the new Sarah Miles album?”
Keith laughed and handed the tape to Devon. “No surprises for you, I guess.”
Devon opened the tape and pulled out the inset. He unfolded it, looked it over, and handed it to Rick with a smile. “Take a look at the song writing credits.”
Rick, feeling much more sober and awake now, took the inset and read. After a minute of inspection, he said, “Holy shit, out of…” he counted, “eleven songs, five are Shelby’s.”
“What the fuck?” Randy said, reaching for the inset. “She’s just a kid, how the hell did she manage that? Last I heard she couldn’t even play.”