Riding Tall (17 page)

M
ACKENZIE
HAD
never really believed in destiny. Never given it much thought, really. But insofar as he’d considered it at all, he’d generally thought of it as a force for good. Karma, or whatever. People got what they deserved because the universe had a plan for everyone. Not his philosophy, really, but at least he could understand it.

But when things started happening with Kami, his vague ideas went straight out the window. Everything was happening as if it was meant to be, that was for sure. He wasn’t doing anything to guide events, and he really wasn’t seeing Joe doing much, either, but somehow, it all just kept coming at them. Doctors, psychologists, physical therapists, occupational therapists, social workers. A dizzying array of well-intentioned professionals, all with their own understanding smiles and practiced optimism, telling Joe what he should and shouldn’t do, making schedules Joe needed to follow, setting routines and expectations and goals and contingency plans. It was exhausting for Mackenzie, and he was safely on the sidelines. He watched Joe working through it all, his smile becoming more forced, more robotic with every meeting, and he felt himself being pushed even further away from it all.

Joe had a new challenge. Raise his family? Pretty well finished and started on the second generation. Tame and captivate the feisty city boy? Done. Not even that difficult, to be honest. The new assignment, though… that would take all of Joe’s energy and attention. No time to rest on his laurels or fortify territory he’d already captured. He was pressing on, conquering new ground. Rescuing new souls and leaving the old ones to fend for themselves.

Mackenzie shook his head and scrubbed harder at the roasting pan. Ally had made dinner; Mackenzie had offered to help, but she’d widened her eyes and said Joe would skin her alive if he found out she was ditching her chores after promising to help out even more once Kami arrived. But she’d let him clean up; he was allowed to do that when Joe was home, so apparently he was allowed to do that when Joe was away too.

“It’s not his fault, exactly,” Mackenzie said to Griffin, who was lying annoyingly close to Mackenzie’s feet. “It’s how people
react
to him, not anything he actually does. He’s not like Red,” he said quickly, and both he and Griffin cast quick, defensive glances toward the old dog dozing by the outside door. “He doesn’t
insist
on being in charge. He doesn’t beat people up if they don’t go along with him.” He crouched down and took Griffin’s muzzle between his soapy hands. “But he’s pretty hard to argue with, isn’t he?”

Griffin panted agreeably.
Yup, that Joe’s a character, all right,
Mackenzie imagined him saying.
I like him, but I wouldn’t mess with him. No way. He might not beat me up, but he’d guilt me until I cried.
Then the dog lay down on his side and started licking his genitals, and Mackenzie stopped trying to put words in his head.

The outside mudroom door opened, and for a moment Mackenzie thought Joe was home early. The general shape was right, but then the new arrival turned and displayed his face, tanned and relaxed, and the genetic connection wasn’t enough for anyone to confuse this man with his twin brother.

“Hey, Mackenzie,” Will said, shaking the snow off his coat. “Joe still not home?”

“He called. The weather’s slowing everything down. The meeting at the occupational-therapy place started late, and now the traffic’s bad.”

“Great,” Will said. “One more thing to worry about.”

“Bad weather? Not even a blip on the radar compared to the rest of it.” Mackenzie smiled tiredly. “On the plus side, he said they were going to get dinner from a drive-through, so there’s an extra plate in the fridge if you’re hungry.”

“Nice,” Will said. Like Joe, he was
always
hungry.

Once the food was in the microwave, Will turned to look at Mackenzie speculatively. “I was coming out to talk to Joe, but maybe it’s just as well he’s not here yet. Where are the kids?”

“Austin’s in bed; Ally’s at the barn; Savannah’s reading in her room; Lacey went with Joe and Kami.”

“And things are going well there? With Kami?”

Mackenzie sighed. It had been two weeks. Two chaotic, stressful weeks. “She’s a sweet kid.” He rinsed the last dish and dried his hands. “But she’s like a little baby, you know? I mean, she’s not, but in terms of the amount of care she takes…. But at least with a baby you’d just sit back and
let
her act that way. Tantrums, panic attacks, weird fears, crying at nothing real. With Kami, we have to try to
fix
her. It’s exhausting.” Then he felt guilty. “Not so much for me. Joe… well, you know Joe. He takes it all on himself. And Lacey’s been good. Her being suspended from school was kind of a blessing, really. I’m not sure how it’s going to go next week when she’s back in class.”

“But Kami’s going to school too, right? So at least during the day things should be okay.”

“She went in yesterday for a visit. All the kids who’d known her before, crowding around her… Joe said she totally freaked out, started screaming and swinging at the kids….” Mackenzie shook his head. “If he hadn’t been there, somebody could have gotten really hurt. She can’t go back until they have an assistant set up for her. You know, someone to be with her all the time, at least until she gets used to it.”

“She used to be really brave,” Will said softly. “Of all three of them, she was the one we always had to keep an eye on, or else she’d get into trouble.”

“She’s still brave,” Mackenzie said. He was surprised by his own vehemence. “Her memory’s shot, so she doesn’t always know where she is or what she’s doing there or who people are. Her processing is all messed up. They say she can either understand what she sees or understand what she hears, but not both at once. If she’s got something to look at it’s like she’s deaf, and if we play music she likes she just stares into space, doesn’t see us if we’re right in front of her. So she gets surprised a lot. Startled. Everything must seem so confusing to her, so random. But she still gets up and does her best, every day.” He stopped. “Sorry. Probably more of a speech than you needed to hear.”

Will nodded. “No, it’s good. Sorry.” He scooped a knife and fork off the dish rack and dried them on his shirttail, then pulled the plate out of the microwave.

“Is that what you came out to talk about?” Mackenzie asked. He followed Will over to the table, and they sat on opposite sides.

“No,” Will admitted. He looked unsure, then shrugged and confessed, “Lindsey’s pregnant. Hit the second trimester while we were in Mexico. We told her family yesterday, and I wanted to come out and let everyone here know about it too.”

“Wow. Congratulations.”

“Yeah, thanks.” Will poked at the roasted potatoes on his plate. “It wasn’t really planned. And it’s not a great time. You know, for the family. Lots going on already.”

“Is there ever a time when there
isn’t
lots going on with this family?” Mackenzie was tired, but he smiled anyway. “If you waited until there was a gap and got pregnant then, by the time the baby was born the chaos would probably have already started again.”

“Might have been nice not to get pregnant at all,” Will said sourly. “If taking a pill every day was such a nuisance, she should have told me, and we could have used something else.” Then he caught himself. “That’s the kind of shit I need to not say around anyone else. There’s going to be a kid.
My
kid. I shouldn’t be saying anything that will make people think I don’t want it. In a town this small, that’d get back to the kid someday.”

It was a bit more information than Mackenzie really wanted. He and Will were friendly, but not exactly confidants. Maybe Will could talk like this because he didn’t think Mackenzie was really part of the community. Maybe he didn’t think Mackenzie would be around long enough to spread hateful words to the unborn child. Or maybe he just trusted Mackenzie to keep his mouth shut. “That’s one thing me and Joe don’t have to worry about, at least.”

Will grinned at him and took a mouthful of potatoes. He ate in silence for a while, then said, “Joe likes babies.”

“You’d better not be planning on adding a body to the orphanage,” Mackenzie warned.

“No. I’ll take care of this one. I just… things are turning out kind of strange, you know? There used to be a sort of plan. Before our parents died. Workwise, we’re still on about the same track, I guess. Joe’s always loved the farm, and I’ve always liked the contracting business. Made sense for things to get divided up that way. But all the rest of this? Joe looking after all these kids, me having one of my own with a woman I don’t—” He caught himself again. “It’s all good. I just feel like we used to be driving the car, and now we’re out there in traffic, on foot, dodging and weaving and just trying to stay alive.”

“I don’t think I ever drove,” Mackenzie said musingly. “So maybe this doesn’t feel as strange to me. But I don’t think… I don’t think I’m out in traffic, either. I guess I’m kind of in the passenger seat.”

“Which is good, as long as you trust the driver,” Will said.

“But you’re right. I don’t think Joe
is
driving, not anymore. Maybe nobody’s driving. Maybe I’m sitting over there in the passenger seat and thinking everything is okay, and then I look over and the driver’s seat is
empty
.” It was almost chilling, but Mackenzie forced himself to laugh. “You and Joe, with your analogies. I always get carried away with them.”

But Will wasn’t laughing. “You guys are okay? I mean, it’s none of my business, but—you make him happy. I like that.”

“I don’t think I’m making him happy lately,” Mackenzie countered. “I don’t think I’m making him
anything
. We barely see each other. And when we do, the kids are around. The only time we’re alone is in bed, and he’s snoring before I have my shirt off.” There had been no real sex since Kami’s arrival; Joe had given Mackenzie two blowjobs and declined the opportunity to be repaid, preferring sleep to orgasms. That was it.

“It’s a rough patch,” Will said slowly. “But you’ll get through it.”

“Will we?” It felt wrong to say the words out loud, but now that he’d started Mackenzie wasn’t sure he could stop if he tried. “When? Kami’s going to get better, maybe, but she’s always going to need extra help. And things are going to get
worse
, not better, when Ally leaves. She’s the only one Joe trusts to help him with the animals. And Lacey’s a loose cannon. Her heart’s in the right place, but her judgment?” Mackenzie shook his head. “Savannah’s been no trouble, but Joe got a call from her teacher yesterday worried that maybe she’s
too
good. Apparently before the fire she was more social, and now she’s withdrawn. So
that
could flare up into something that needs attention too.” He stopped and took a deep breath. “I feel like an asshole for complaining. None if this is anyone’s fault. But a rough patch?” He shook his head. “The scary thing is, I think this might be the
smooth
patch, before things get really bad.”

Will stared at him for a moment, then gloomily smashed a potato with his fork and pushed it over toward his peas. “Maybe not,” he tried, but he didn’t seem to have anything to back the statement up.

They both sat in silence for a while, and both jumped almost guiltily when they heard the mudroom door opening. It was still a bit early to be Joe, so it was probably just Ally coming back from the barn, and she wouldn’t judge them for the conversation they were having. But the face that appeared in the kitchen doorway wasn’t Ally’s.

“Nick,” Will said in surprise. “Hey. What’s up?” He looked a little more closely at his brother. “You okay?”

It was a valid question. Nick had the same coloring as the rest of the family, dark hair with light but easily tanned skin, but his features were a bit more delicate than his brothers’. At his best, he looked almost exotic, but he was far from his best right then. He was too thin, and his pallor seemed like it might be coming from something other than lack of sunshine.

Nick’s usually easy smile seemed forced, but he said, “I’m good. Just thought I’d come check in on everybody. See how Austin’s doing.”

“Well, he’s asleep right now,” Will said carefully. “But I’m sure he’ll be glad to see you in the morning.”

Nick looked at his watch in surprise. “Shit, is it late?”

“Not for adults,” Will said, still speaking cautiously. Mackenzie could understand why; Nick was talking like he’d never lived in the house and had no idea how to raise a child. It was peculiar at best. “But Austin goes to bed pretty early.”

“Right,” Nick said. He looked around the kitchen, then said, “Joe’s not here?”

“He’s at a meeting,” Mackenzie said.

Nick looked at him like they’d never met. “A meeting?” he asked. “For what? The gay cattlemen’s association?”

“Something like that,” Mackenzie said. He didn’t think he was going to waste a lot of time sharing information with someone that dismissive of Joe.

Nick looked at his watch for the second time since they’d started talking, but Mackenzie bet the guy still wouldn’t know what time it was if he were asked. “You want to lie down?” he said, trying to make it sound like a normal thing to do. “You look like you’ve been up for a while.”

Nick’s eyes widened as if Mackenzie had accused him of a crime, then narrowed defensively. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“He means you seem tired,” Will said soothingly. “You’re staying the night, right? It’s a bit of a full house. You can share with Austin, or if you want, you can come stay with me and Lindsey.”

“I’m not going to just show up on your doorstep like that,” Nick retorted. He was obviously okay showing up on Joe’s doorstep, but that was easier, since Nick was a part-owner of the house. “Why do I have to share with Austin? Who’s in the other rooms?”

Will squinted at his brother. “We’ve talked about this, Nick. The Waltons are living here, remember? Lacey’s sharing with Ally. Savannah and Kami are in my and Joe’s old room. A room for Austin, and a room for Joe and Mackenzie. If you don’t want to share with Austin, you could try the couch, or come to my place.”