Riding Tall (21 page)

Mackenzie had looked startled for a moment, then smiled sadly. “I thought maybe you meant a counselor for
you
. For the guilt. I thought maybe that’d be a good idea.”

“Maybe I’ll get some of that ex-gay treatment at the same time. I mean, if I’m working on denying reality and hiding from the truth, I might as well go all the way, right?”

Mackenzie didn’t answer. He just stood up and said, “I bought stuff for dinner. You didn’t have anything planned, did you?”

Joe tried to get his mind on the new topic of conversation. “There’s thawed ground beef. I was thinking meatloaf. But it’ll keep, if you want to do something else.”

“Nothing fancy, but I thought we could mix it up a little. I bought some salmon.”

Flown in from the ocean, because Mackenzie was tired of red meat all the time. Tired of Joe’s beef. There was an obvious pun in there, but Joe was too tired to make it. He just leaned his head back against the sofa. He’d been operating on too little sleep for too long. It would feel so good to let his eyelids fall. But not exactly polite to let a houseguest cook dinner without assistance. “I can help,” he said. He looked down at the sleeping girl in his arms. “I think she’s right out. I can probably move her without waking her up. Or maybe I
should
wake her up, so she’ll sleep tonight.” One more decision, and his brain was too fried to make it easily.

But Mackenzie held his hands up. “No, don’t worry about it. Like I said, it’s simple. I’m fine.”

Mackenzie didn’t need Joe’s help. It was sad but true. Mackenzie was the other adult in the house, the only person who didn’t rely on Joe. And because of that, he was the one Joe was neglecting.

It was easy to see it, easy to understand what was happening, but much harder to do anything about it. But Joe needed to try. He moved slowly, gently shifting Kami out of his lap. She stirred, muttered something, then snuggled down into the sofa cushions just as peacefully as she’d been while Joe was holding her.

He walked quietly to the kitchen. “Let me do something,” he said. Cooking together—that was probably a good bonding activity. “A salad?”

“Joe,” Mackenzie said, and in that one word his voice made it clear that this was
not
going to be the happily shared time Joe had been hoping for. “I’m not completely incompetent. I can make
dinner
. You don’t need to supervise me.”

“I wasn’t going to supervise. I thought I could help.”

“Even though I said I didn’t
need
any help.”

Yeah, things had definitely gone way off course somewhere. “Okay,” Joe said tiredly. “Sorry. I’ll do laundry.”

“Or you could sit back down and rest for a few minutes.”

Joe ignored that suggestion and headed for the stairs. The kids would need clean clothes for the next day, and he should probably change the sheets on the beds too. He wasn’t sure when he’d last done that, but it was probably too long.

“Joe,” Mackenzie said when Joe was at the foot of the stairs. “My agent called. He’s got a week’s work for me. A catalogue. They had somebody, but he broke his ankle, and they want continuity, so… yeah. A full week. They want me there tomorrow, first thing.”

And there was the bandage getting pulled off another tiny bit. “You driving down tonight or getting up early tomorrow morning?”

Mackenzie looked frustrated, but Joe had no idea why. “I guess tonight,” he finally said. “They’re talking about some weather maybe blowing in by morning.”

“Do you want me to wash anything for you?”

“That’s all you have to say?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to say you’ll miss me!” Mackenzie’s voice was loud, but he glanced toward the living room and continued more quietly. “I want you to give a goddamn that I’m about to go away for longer than we’ve been apart since we started!”

“I’ll miss you,” Joe said flatly. He’d miss Mackenzie this time, and he’d miss him when he was gone for good.

But Mackenzie just snorted. “Yeah, I can feel the love.”

Joe bit back an angry retort. He stood quietly for a moment, then stepped back into the kitchen. “I love you,” he said. “I’m sorry you don’t feel it.”

Mackenzie looked disoriented; he’d clearly been expecting something else. “But you’re okay if I go to the city? I mean, after last time? Kissing somebody else?”

“I don’t own you. If you want to go, you’ll go.”

“Yeah, Joe, I
will
go if I want to. What I’m asking is, how do you feel about the idea?”

“Why? I mean, what’s the point in me telling you how I feel about something you’re going to do anyway?”

“Because maybe I could do something to make you feel better about it?”

“Like what? You could give me a big lecture about how you’re not a slut and you don’t fool around with people just because you’re drunk? Nah, I don’t think I need to hear that again. Really not going to have the same impact this time around, you know?”

“I can’t figure out if you actually think what I did was cheating, or if you’re just picking a fight because you’re… I don’t know… because you’re pissed at the way your life is going and you need someone to blame.”

“I don’t blame you for anything.” That was true, at least.

“No, of course not. Nobody else on the
planet
can take the blame for anything. You need to keep all the guilt for yourself.”

“I don’t blame myself for you kissing somebody else. No, that wasn’t my fault. Wasn’t yours either, I guess. It was just the way things went.” The way they were meant to be.

“Come down with me,” Mackenzie said. He looked surprised by his own words, but continued anyway. “Take a vacation. Sarah said she’d babysit whenever you needed. Ally and Lacey can take some time off school to help out. You and me, Joe. We could reconnect, figure things out, remind ourselves of all the stuff we like about each other. All the stuff we love.”

Joe wanted to say yes. It was a stupid, irresponsible suggestion, but he wanted to go along with it. Instead, he said, “Ally and Lacey have two weeks before exams; they need to be in school. And Kami’s not going to have much fun stuck on the second floor all week, just ’cause Sarah isn’t strong enough to carry her downstairs safely. And we’re still figuring out her meds, and I have appointments with a bunch of different people, and I need to get that therapist figured out, and the school said she can probably start school on Wednesday, but they wanted me to be nearby in case it doesn’t work and she needs to get picked up, and the animals can’t just be boxed up and put in the warehouse, and—”

Mackenzie raised his hand, silencing Joe. “Okay,” he said quietly. “I get it. You can’t come.”

“I really can’t.”

“Ever?” Mackenzie said quietly, as if he was just now realizing the magnitude of it all.

“I don’t know,” Joe said. He was pretty sure Mackenzie knew he was lying.

“That’s not….” Mackenzie stopped as if he was reconsidering his words, then continued anyway. “It’s not what I expected when this started.”

“Not what you signed up for,” Joe said. He could tell where the conversation was going, and in a way it was almost a relief.

“I love you,” Mackenzie said desperately. “I really do. I just….”

“I know.”

It was probably good that the mudroom door banged open then, Austin standing in the doorway with a red, tear-covered face, his legs extended awkwardly to the sides. Griffin was there, trying to lick his cheeks. Ally stood behind them looking guilty.

“Hey, buddy,” Joe said, forcing his voice to be light. He made himself walk away from Mackenzie and refused to take the cheap comfort of brushing against the man as he passed. “What’s wrong?”

“I p-peed,” Austin sobbed.

It had been a long time since Austin’d had an accident, and Joe felt a lurch of familiar guilt in his gut. Of course a five-year-old couldn’t be bundled into his snowsuit without taking a trip to the bathroom first, couldn’t play outside for hours without a break, and of course Joe should have reminded Ally of that. “That sucks, little man. It must be really cold, right?” Joe bent down and pulled off Austin’s mitts, then unzipped his jacket. “But the best thing about having the laundry in the mudroom? Easy-peasy to clean up!” He looked up toward his sister. “In or out, Ally. I want the door shut when I strip him down.”

She stepped the rest of the way inside and closed the door behind her, but kept her hat and mitts on. “I should go back and get Lacey and Savannah, if… you know, if things are calm in here.”

Joe had been thinking about napping on the couch while four kids were huddled outside afraid to reenter the house. Excellent. “Yeah, go get them,” he said as he kept stripping Austin down. “We’ll make hot chocolate or something. In the future, though, don’t freeze yourselves to death. We’re going to have to get used to outbursts, I think.”

“We weren’t freezing, were we, Austin?”

Austin looked up at his sister. “We were h-having fun,” he hiccupped. Then he looked at Joe, allowing himself to be lifted clear of his wet snow pants, pants, and underwear. “In the fort.”

“Sounds good,” Joe said absently. Austin’s thighs were red and chapped where they’d been wet. Where was the diaper cream? Had Joe been naïve enough to get rid of the last tub? Probably. He picked the boy up for a quick hug, brushing the remaining tears off his cheeks. “You good being naked for a bit, little man? We’ll leave your shirt on so you don’t freeze, but you can be bare on the bottom? It’d be good to air things out a little.”

Austin’s eyes widened. “There’s
girls
!” he said in a hushed, scandalized voice.

“What? You’ve been naked around girls before. Ally’s a girl, buddy. So’s Sarah.”

Austin cast a dubious look at his young aunt. “
Real
girls,” he whispered. “Lacey and Vannah and Kami.”

Annoying time for the kid to get modest. “Okay, go upstairs and find some clothes, okay? Something soft—maybe your green sweatpants? We could wash you, but I think the water would sting right now. You can have a bath after dinner.”

Austin obediently scampered for the hall, his nudity concerns apparently forgotten as he lifted his shirt over his head and waved it around in the air. Joe wasn’t sure what that was about, and habit made him look over to share his amusement with Mackenzie. But Mack wasn’t smiling. He was watching Austin, sure, but he looked like he wanted to cry.

Thinking about saying good-bye, Joe realized. Austin was a loveable kid. He might be a nuisance, might get in the way of Mackenzie’s dream life, but that didn’t mean Mackenzie didn’t like the little guy. There
had
been some good memories in the house, after all. Mack was going to miss some of what he left behind.

But he’d have lots to distract himself with. Once he got back to the city, life on the farm would fade away like a distant memory.

Joe heard stirring in the living room. Kami was awake, and she tended to be just as disoriented as Austin on first waking. But where Austin was generally sulky, Kami tended to get scared. So Joe lifted Austin’s soggy clothes into the washing machine and gave his hands a quick rinse in the laundry sink, then headed toward the living room. He didn’t look at Mackenzie as he passed. There was no point torturing himself, coveting things he couldn’t have.

Chapter 16

M
ACKENZIE
RESTED
the phone against his temple. He wished the technology worked that way. If he could just beam his
thoughts
to Joe instead of having to figure out the words, he had a feeling everything would go more smoothly. Even better if he could bypass the thoughts and send the pure emotions. Sure, there’d be frustration and anxiety and fear, but there’d be love, too, so much love that even someone as stubborn as Joe would have to admit it was real, and important.

But the technology hadn’t been invented yet, so Mackenzie pulled the phone away from his head, selected Joe’s number, and braced himself.

“Hi,” Joe said over the phone. He sounded exhausted, as usual.

“Hi,” Mackenzie replied. Yeah, telepathic phones would be
way
better than this. “How’re things going?”

“I’m on my way to a meeting with the principal. Lacey’s in trouble again.”

“Drinking?”

“Failing all her classes, he says. I don’t know.” Joe sighed, and Mackenzie could picture him, the way he’d be slouched in the truck, talking to the point on his steering wheel where he’d decided his hands-free mike was hidden. Mackenzie was sure that the mike was somewhere higher, maybe in the rearview mirror, and they’d play-fought about it one afternoon driving back from the grocery store. If Mackenzie tried to argue about it now, Joe would probably hang up on him. “How’re things with you?” Joe asked. “The shoot going well?”

“Yeah.” Mackenzie took a deep breath, then said, “They want me to stay for another week, do some work for their American line. It’s a really good opportunity. I mean, good money, but exposure too.”

There was barely even any hesitation. “Sounds great. Congratulations.”

“Did you know that Kristen thinks you’re controlling and possessive?” Not really the approach Mackenzie had planned to take, but apparently his mouth was operating independently from his brain.