Authors: Norah Bennett
As he made his way to their table, he couldn’t help the grin that suffused his face. Poor Julia was flushed and frazzled as she grabbed one item after another out of Lilly’s hand while lecturing the little girl. Lilly wasn’t impressed by what she was hearing because she reached for Julia’s partially-full coffee cup just as he made it to the table and scooped her up.
“Angel baby, what are you doing to your poor mama this morning? She looks like she’s about to have a coronary.”
Lilly squealed and fisted Ethan’s shirt in her tiny hand.
“Hi,” she said. She flashed a devilish grin at him and favored him with a sloppy kiss on the cheek.
“Hi yourself.” Ethan smiled at the squirming bundle in his arms and leaned into her, his eyelashes brushing against her skin as he blinked. He whispered in her ear, “Butterfly kisses for you, angel face.”
Lilly giggled and threw her chubby arms around his neck, holding him close as he sat across from Julia.
Sitting Lilly on his lap, he gave her his keys to play with. He glanced up to see Julia gawking at him. Her beautiful face was pink and her eyes flashed. But the thing that completed the scene for him was the message on her t-shirt. “You couldn’t handle me, even if I came with instructions.” It was hilarious and couldn’t be more perfect. Ethan had to exercise a significant amount of control not to burst out laughing because he was certain if he did, she would throw her coffee at him.
It was good to see time hadn’t changed Julia’s low-maintenance style or her sense of humor. In their time together, she never wore makeup unless she had to for an evening event. Her skin had been flawless and it still was. Julia was comfortable with who she was, and didn’t try to hide under makeup or fancy clothes as so many women did, including Alyssa. He wondered if she still preferred shopping at discount retail stores and secondhand shops to big department stores.
“Good morning, sunshine. How are you today? Hope you don’t mind me joining you.”
“Morning” Julia grumbled. “It doesn’t look like I have a choice since you’ve already made yourself comfortable. What are you doing here and what did you say to my child?”
“My aren’t we grumpy this morning. Haven’t had your coffee yet? If I remember correctly, you can be a bit temperamental if you don’t get your morning dose of caffeine.”
“No, I haven’t had enough coffee yet. The little monster in your lap has been awake and up to no good since five. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear she was out to kill me.”
“Hang on. Sit and decompress and let me see what I can do to help you.” Waving a waitress over, Ethan ordered coffee for both of them and asked for a menu. He gave the waitress his most engaging smile and asked if she had any crayons and paper for the little angel in his lap.
The harried young waitress froze in the midst of pouring their coffee with her mouth hanging. Then she caught herself and gave him a shy smile. She went out of her way to please him, bringing coffee, crayons, paper, and even a Sippy cup of apple juice for Lilly Julia swore she ordered along with their meal thirty minutes prior.
“Some things never change. I see you’re still using that smile to get whatever you want,” Julia mumbled as she put cream in her coffee and began drinking it in haste.
Ethan didn’t know anyone who could drink scalding hot coffee like that and not burn their mouth raw. “I do what I have to. As for angel, I don’t know what you’re complaining about. She’s behaving beautifully, aren’t you sweetness?”
Lilly looked up from her coloring, flashed him a grin and said, “Yesh.”
“See, I told you. She’s angelic.”
“Great, now you’ve got my kid falling for that grin. Whatever! If I can get a few minutes of quiet and coffee, I’ll take it. What are you doing here anyway?”
“Same thing you are, breakfast. I live only a mile from here. I passed this place yesterday on my run and thought I’d try it. You come here often?”
“Lilly and I live a few miles away. We come here at least once a week when I have a late shift and we can get a slower start in the morning. Of course, that usually means sleeping in past 5 a.m., but Lils had different plans for us today. Where in Lakes Crossing do you live?”
“I bought an old colonial farmhouse at the edge of town. It needs some work, but it has great bones. Just needs a good facelift.”
“A farmhouse? Oh my God, you don’t mean the old Johnson farm on Renner, do you? That place doesn’t need a facelift, it needs a wrecking ball. Jesus, Ethan, were you drunk when you looked at that place? I know you like a good challenge, but honestly, that place is about to collapse.”
“Well now, that’s no way to speak about my humble abode. It has its challenges, but all it needs is some TLC. You and all your doubting friends will eat your words once it’s done. It’s a diamond in the rough, that’s all.”
“Ethan, did you get scammed into buying that place? Seriously, it’s a health hazard. It should be condemned. You don’t actually live there now, do you?”
“Yup, I moved in to one of its many rooms. Adam has been helping me redecorate a bit. You should come by sometime. It’s a charmer. I bet it wins your heart when you see what I’ve done with it.”
“Is there running water or electricity in that dump? I bet it’s infested with all kinds of animals and bugs.”
“Again, I think you have the wrong impression of my castle. It took a couple of weeks, but yes, I have running water. In fact, I have it in abundance, even in places it shouldn’t be. I see it as an added bonus, though. I also have electricity, and yes some wildlife I’m still negotiating squatters’ rights with.”
“Oh Ethan, what have you done? You can’t live there.”
Seeing the look of horror on her face and hearing the concern in her voice mixed with her unique blend of teasing, Ethan couldn’t help himself. He threw back his head and laughed. It was good to let go. It’d been so damn long since he had anything to laugh about and someone to share a smile with. God, he missed her. He missed having her in his life. He didn’t care about the past. He missed the sound of her voice and the way those emerald eyes flashed at him in laughter or irritation.
It felt like he’d been around the world and back, constantly in search of something or someone and that someone was her. From the second he left her sitting by the creek behind the high school twenty-two years ago, to the instant his eyes met hers last night he was adrift. Nothing made sense in his world, nothing felt right, until now. He survived, just as she did. He went through the motions and built another life, just as she did. But he was lost without her when she was lost to him.
Chapter Three
Julia drank in Ethan as his body shook with laughter. She savored the sound of his rich, husky voice and the sound of his happy laughter filled her with joy. Her heart did its own happy conga as butterflies danced in her stomach. She loved sitting here with him, acting like they didn’t have a painful past, like they had no worries in the world. She knew better.
As much as she enjoyed being near him, she had to shut this down before her heart took over. Her heart was a fool. Her brain was smarter and reminded her—friends, okay, anything else, absolutely not. She couldn’t go there with him or with anyone else. Been there, done that, and almost lost everyone she cared about in the process. She gave herself a mental slap. He would be too easy to love and if she allowed it, her stupid, fragile heart would get torn into shreds in the storm that followed. Nothing good ever lasted, not for her anyway.
Lilly sat happily next to Ethan, making a hell of a mess with her breakfast. As wonderful as Ethan was with Lilly, he wasn’t her father and never would be. Lilly had a father, as worthless as he was. Matt was the name of the sperm donor, not Ethan. Julia had to protect Lilly because her sweet baby was too fragile to withstand a storm. As it was, she had to figure out what to do about Matt. One man making a mess of her life was quite enough.
“Mama, more. Mama, more.” Lilly held up the empty juice cup.
“Lilly, what are you supposed to say when you ask for something?”
Lilly furrowed her brow. “Um, thank-um?”
“Good try baby. Say please.”
“No. No.”
“Lilly, say, ‘please may I have more juice?’ or you won’t be getting any. Do you understand?”
Julia locked eyes with Lilly across the table and a war of wills was declared. Lilly gave in first. She dropped her eyes and then the empty cup on the table. She turned and buried her head in Ethan’s lap. Julia glared at a smiling Ethan and shook her head. He held his hands up in surrender, but couldn’t keep the grin off his face.
“You know, Julia, I think the word ‘please’ is a great word to use. It’s better than ‘no’ or ‘more,’ or any other word. Only big girls use the word ‘please.’ Do you think Lilly is a big girl or a baby?”
Before Julia could answer, Lilly’s head popped up. She looked at Ethan then Julia and quickly said, “Pu-weese, Mama.”
Julia stared daggers at Ethan and answered Lilly. “Okay. Good job, Lilly.”
Julia flagged down a waitress and ordered a refill for Lilly. She turned back to Ethan who was coloring under Lilly’s guidance.
“Tell me, Ethan, do you have children? You’re pretty good with them, even for a pediatrician.” Ethan’s eyes clouded and a variety of emotions crossed his features before he looked away. But Julia saw the pain and was overwhelmed by guilt. After all the pain she’d already caused him, she didn’t want to be the source of any more. She somehow touched on a tender topic, but after so many years there were bound to be hidden mines and grenades everywhere.
“I’m sorry, Eth, I didn’t mean to pry. You’re really good with her, that’s all.”
“It’s fine. No, Alyssa and I never had children.”
“Alyssa?”
“Alyssa is my ex-wife, as of a month ago. She wasn’t fond of children.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. We married for all the wrong reasons. I wanted a family and she wanted a life of pretty dresses and parties. While we grew up in the same social circles, we were worlds apart in what we needed to be happy. Sad to say, but the wedding and the divorce were the highlights of our years together.”
“God, Ethan, that sounds terrible. I am sorry. If it makes you feel any better, my story isn’t much different. Matt and I were married for eight years. We’ve been divorced for almost two years, but we separated before Lilly was born. He was never satisfied with what we had. Actually, he was never satisfied with anything. He wanted the life you describe, the one filled with money and fancy parties. He didn’t want a family or a child, and in the end, he didn’t want me either.”
“Sounds like he has a lot in common with my ex.”
Julia shrugged. “I guess you could say that.” She dropped her eyes and wrapped her arms around herself. She couldn’t help but remember the mess her marriage had been and Matt’s unending criticism of her. He managed to find fault with everything: how she dressed, walked, talked, wore her hair, kept the house, cooked, etc. She could do nothing right in his eyes and she took it all without complaint, trying to make him happy. Like many women, she thought if she changed, if she became what he wanted, he’d love her.
The bottom fell out when he found out she was pregnant, and all hell broke loose. On the day her divorce was final Julia made a promise to herself. No matter what, she’d never let another man make her feel so desperate to be loved, she’d lose herself in the process of making him happy.
“I’m sorry Jules. Sounds like you had a bad time of it. You know, I saw Matt with you once, at Ella’s funeral. I guess that must have been around the time you were pregnant with Lilly, right?”
Julia’s eyes shot up. “You were at Ella’s funeral? I didn’t see you.”
“No, you wouldn’t have. There were many people there and you were distraught. I didn’t want to add to your burden. Mom told me of Ella’s passing and I wanted to pay my respects. I loved her too.”
Julia couldn’t believe Ethan had been there. Ella had loved him like a son and she would’ve wanted him there. Ella died suddenly of a brain aneurysm and Julia had been out of her mind with grief. She and Matt had been arguing almost continuously at that point, and then Ella died. On top of that she started to feel sick and thought it was a virus made worse by the stress of Ella’s death, not knowing she was pregnant.
“I’m glad you were there. She loved you. It was a terrible time. Her death was so unexpected. I never had a chance to tell her about Lilly. I found out I was pregnant after the funeral. I think she would have been thrilled to know she was going to be a grandma. I named Lilly after Ella. Lilly was Ella’s middle name. She always said she liked the name Lilly better and one day she was going to change her name officially.”
“You’re right. She would’ve loved to meet this little angel and would’ve told you what a great mom you are. She would’ve been there for you when things fell apart with Matt. He’s missing out on the best thing life’s got to offer right here.”
Ethan nodded at Lilly and smiled. He wiped her daughter’s mouth and brushed the curls out of her eyes. Julia’s heart ached. She wished she could blink and the world would be different.
Alyssa was an idiot and she bet most women in the country would agree with her.
“Thanks. Eth. You’re going to be a great dad someday. Lilly doesn’t share her kisses with just anyone. You have to be special for her to dole those out. I hardly get one a day.”
“Well, she’s sweet. She’s just like her mama, all fire and attitude on the outside, marshmallow sweetness on the inside.”
Julia’s face burned with the compliment. It had been a long time since a man said something sweet to her. She reached for the necklace around her neck and rubbed her thumb over the heart in a tender caress.
“Well, we’d better be going. It was nice running into you today, but Lilly and I have to get back so I can drop her off at the sitter’s and get ready for work.”
“It was nice seeing you as well. Listen, Jules, I’d love to see you again. We have a lot to catch up on. How about we meet for dinner this week? Any day, any time is fine with me. I don’t start at the hospital until next week.”
Ethan wanted to see her again? She should be happy. Instead, Julia was terrified. She wasn’t afraid of him, but of the feelings he awakened in her. She’d been here before with him and to a degree with Matt. Each time she was foolish enough to let someone in, she barely survived the deep wounds left behind when disaster struck. She had the scars to prove it.
Julia was still recovering from Matt’s abandonment. She didn’t need a psychiatrist to know her self-esteem and self-confidence took a hit. She was putting her life back together day by day, trying to find herself and she wasn’t ready to put her heart or Lilly’s on the line. Her first concern was to protect Lilly.
Julia was finally getting good at the single mom stuff and she couldn’t be tempted to consider any other future. It had been a hard road, but she survived and embraced the fact she would be raising her daughter predominantly on her own. She and Lilly had a routine, a rhythm to their lives that couldn’t be interrupted, not even for him. Their lives were busy and rich with work, friends, and new places to explore every second she was free. She couldn’t rock the boat now, not when she worked so hard to find balance and peace.
“Thank you, but I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why not? It’s only dinner.”
“Eth, I’m not ready for this. I’m never going to be ready for this. I’m still trying to figure out my life post-divorce. You just got divorced. We have a messy past. It’s not a good idea. I’m sorry.”
“You know, before we were anything, we were good friends, the best of friends. I don’t know about you, but I could always use a good friend. I’m not pushing for anything else. I’ve missed my best friend.”
He wanted to be friends? After all this time and all that happened, how could he want to be friends? If she was honest with herself, she wanted this too. Next to Aimee, Ethan had been her only close friend, the only other person who knew her inside and out. But he confused her—she didn’t understand his motives. Had he forgotten the way they ended?
“I’m sorry, but I have to ask. It’s making me nuts. Why aren’t you mad at me, at the way we ended? How could you still want to be my friend, my anything? I don’t understand, Eth. You’re a nice guy, but it was bad. What I did was terrible. If this is some ploy to get me in a quiet place to tell me off, let me save you the trouble. Do it now. I know I deserve it.”
Julia had prepared for this moment for a long time. She wanted it to be over. She wanted him to yell and scream at her and finally put her out of her misery.
Ethan smiled and reached for her hand. She tried to pull it away, but he was stronger and held on. He caressed her palm with his thumb and said, “Easy Jules. I’m not going to hurt you. I promise. Just breathe.”
She took in a big gulp of air and broke eye contact with him long enough to glance down to find Lilly engrossed in opening up all the sugar packets and pouring them into every water glass on the table.
“You know,” Ethan said in a soft voice, “I’ve been waiting for you to ask me that question. No, this isn’t a ploy to tell you off. We do have a lot to talk about. It’s time we put the past to rest and move on. Two decades have passed. We both grew up. Much has happened, I…”
He released her hand and rubbed the back of his neck.
“Look, have dinner with me and we’ll talk. Don’t we owe each other that? Some closure after all these years?”
He was right. But there was safety here, with a whole diner of people looking on. The problem was she had difficulty saying no to Ethan when he looked at her with those soft gray eyes. She caved. “Okay, fine. Dinner. But it will have to wait till Friday.”
“Okay.”
“And, it’ll have to be at my place because I don’t leave Lilly with a sitter unless I’m working.”
“Okay.”
“And I’m not cooking ’cause I’ll be working all day.”
“I’ll bring Chinese. I think I remember what you like. Anything else?”
“Yes, take that self-satisfied grin off your face. It doesn’t suit you at all.”
Ethan chuckled. “I’ll try, but it’s hard.”
Julia stood, threw some bills on the table and gathered Lilly’s bag.
“Come on, Lils. Say goodbye to Ethan. We have to go.” Julia wiped Lilly’s sugary hands with a napkin and scooped her into her arms.
“Bye, E,” Lilly said, throwing Ethan air kisses with her little hand.
Ethan reached for the child and kissed the top of her head. “Bye angel. Be good for your mama today. See you soon.”
All the way home, Julia floated on air while berating herself for giving in. What was the point of starting up with Ethan again? One thing would lead to another where he was concerned. She knew that with a certainty. Ella always said she never tried to keep them apart because what was the point? Whenever they were in the same room, they were drawn together like peanut butter and jelly.
Ella had been a smart woman and she tried her best to get Julia to reconsider her decision to break it off with Ethan. Although Julia never told her the real reason behind their traumatic break up, Ella was a mother and she saw the pain in Julia’s eyes and the evidence of the heavy weight she carried. She lectured her for hours about secrets and how destructive they were when given power. But Julia wouldn’t and couldn’t listen. If only she had, things may have turned out differently.
But how was it their paths crossed again after so many years? She’d accepted the fact she’d never have Ethan in her life and built a new life without him. When that world collapsed, she convinced herself it was okay to be alone. Unlike many people in the world who never experienced true joy, she had her dose of happy and wore the evidence around her neck. The love she’d shared with Ethan was powerful. It tattooed itself on her heart and in her mind forever. She remembered every second they’d spent together and that movie reel was available for a replay at any time. That was enough for her. Few people ever experienced that type of beauty.