Riot Girl (10 page)

On the way home I dropped Jacob off at one of his friend’s houses. Tom’s mother had been surprised to see me standing on her doorstep but had said it was okay for him to play for a while.

“I’m sorry to have heard about your friend,” she’d said as I turned to leave.

Now I was home and I knew, that even though I couldn’t be with Joel that I
shouldn’t
be with Daniel either. I had always known, really.

“Where’s Jacob?” he looked up from his paper and spotted that only Bonnie and I had come home.

“I dropped him at Tom’s house,” I explained. “I needed to speak to you and it isn’t a conversation I want him to hear.”

“You’re going back to that jackass, aren’t you?” he accused, his face turning red with anger.

“No, no I’m not going back to Joel. He knows that isn’t an option,” I replied wearily and took a seat next to Daniel. “But I also realise that I can’t be with you anymore either, we have to face facts Daniel.”

“If you think I’m just going to let you just take my son away…” Daniel stated angrily.

“I’m not taking Jacob anywhere Daniel,” I cut him off. “He’s your son and I wouldn’t do that to either one of you. We’re going to stay here, in
my
house, but you can’t be here anymore.”

He looked furious, but it was too bad because I had made my mind up.

“I don’t love you Daniel, you always knew that. You wanted to ‘fix’ me or something, but if you’re honest, you never loved me either. I know how much you do love Jacob, and you will always be his father. Joel knows the truth now, but he agrees–kind of at least–that Jacob shouldn’t know about it yet.”

Daniel put his head in his hands, perched at the edge of his seat like a bird about to take off. Neither of us spoke for a few moments. I stood up and leant against the kitchen counter in front of him, I felt like I’d said all I needed to.

“I tried,” he said finally. “I wanted so much for you to love me. In the beginning I was infatuated with you. You were wild and not afraid of anything while I was the opposite–I was too afraid to be different. You didn’t seem to care what anyone thought of you and I wanted you so much.”

“I disappointed you once you got me?” I prompted him.

“No–not at all! When I found out you were pregnant I wanted to help you,” he spoke softly now, as he always did when talking about Jacob. “I wanted to stand out from the crowd with you; I thought maybe I could catch you and keep you.”

Inwardly I was outraged at his confession that he’d knowingly come to me when I was at my most vulnerable, not to help me but to catch me and parade me as some kind of trophy. I bit my tongue, hard– fighting would get us nowhere.

“I was surprised how easily everyone believed he was my baby; how easy it was to convince you to go along with it all,” he looked up at me accusingly.

“I was desperate Daniel! I don’t mean it in that way, but I was in such a bad place. I had no one, I was devastated that Joel and the others had abandoned me, and there you were, telling me we could say the baby was yours and that everything would be okay.” I joined him at the table my head was throbbing.

“We did the wrong thing,” he said to the room in general.

“No.” I surprised myself with the force of the word. “No–without that decision back then there would be no Jacob. There might not even be
me
anymore if not for you.”

I recalled how much of a dark place I’d been in with no one to pull me out of it. I was ashamed to remember the things I’d considered while I felt so alone and had no one to talk to.

“You’ve been like a caged animal for all of these years Indi,” he put his hand on mine and I fought the urge to pull it away. “The only time I see you truly happy is with Jacob.”

“He’s my life–the sun and the moon to me,” I said simply. “I’ll always be thankful to you for helping me to keep him.”

“He hates me…” Daniel looked crushed.

“No he doesn’t,” I said earnestly. “He just doesn’t understand you; he’s almost seven years old and he just wants to have fun with you but you’re so serious all of the time. He finds that intimidating and confusing.”

“He’s so much like you – so curious about the world and unafraid to be different,” Daniel smiled sadly.

“He’s crazy, I agree,” I smiled.

He pulled his hand away from me and stood up, pushing the chair against the wooden floor.

“I’ll leave before Jacob comes home, so he doesn’t get too upset,” I was surprised to hear Daniel give in.

“I’ll stay with my brother until I can get somewhere close by with a spare room for Jacob to have when he stays over,” Daniel said. “I want more than anything to carry on being his father.”

“You’ve thought of leaving me before now,” I realised out loud.

“Yes,” he replied simply.

“So it’s just you and me now?” Jacob asked, taking in what I’d said.

We were curled up under a fleece blanket on the sofa. I’d gotten us a pizza and we were watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the hundredth time, the kid was obsessed.

“Yes, is that okay?” I asked. “I mean, you’ll still see your dad all of the time, he just won’t live here with us anymore.”

“Yeah – I guess,” he was thoughtful as he slowly chewed his mouthful of pizza.

“Something you want to ask me Jakey?” I kissed his forehead.

“What if you forget my cereal or burn dinner or forget soccer practice?” he asked and I smiled, hugging him close.

“I’ll try not to do any of those things anymore baby. And once daddy gets a place of his own you’ll have a second home – you can stay there as much or as little as you want to.” I kissed the top of his head and ran my hand over his soft brown hair.

He let out a big yawn and snuggled into me.

“Come on buster, bed for you.” I scooped him up into my arms and carried him to his room. “You got so big.”

Jacob giggled sleepily as I changed him into his PJs and tucked him up in bed. Bonnie had snuck in behind us and jumped up onto the bed to curl up at his feet. I gave her a look and she wagged her tail, challenging me to move her.

“You win,” I whispered and patted her on the head.

As I made my way back to the lounge a glanced towards to the front door. There was a small, flat package on the ground. I scooped it up off the floor and looked for a label or note on the brown paper wrapping but there was nothing. I peeled open the paper and found a CD case with ‘play me’ written in black marker across the shiny surface.

I placed the silver disc into the CD player and sat on the sofa to listen to it. On the disc was an acoustic album of love songs, words that Joel couldn’t say to me during all of our years apart and sung by three boys from my childhood.

I listened to every word, shared every memory they recorded on the CD. By the time the last song ended my face was soaked with tears. I knew then that he was always with me and that he kept a part of me with him too. And now he was gone once more.

I was glad I had made the decision not to tell Jacob the truth about Joel, not just yet anyway. I didn’t want Jacob to feel the same sense of loss and heartbreak as I was feeling.

Part Three

Indi, Aged Thirty

As I stood in the airport arrivals I could barely contain my excitement. Daniel had moved out of state for work a couple of years earlier. So we had agreed that Jacob would spend the summers with him and the rest of the year with me.  Letting my almost thirteen-year-old son go on a plane alone didn’t sit well with me but Jacob loved it.

We had finally spoken to Jacob about Joel being his biological father. He had surprised us both by taking it all in his stride. He had been inquisitive, even taking to listening to The Riots’ music; but in his heart Daniel was still his dad, much to Daniel’s relief. Despite his young age, Jacob had a much older head on his shoulders–something he surely had learnt from Daniel and not me.

This was only the second year of the custody arrangement and I had missed Jacob like crazy. I knew he would come home tanned and healthy looking while I still looked like a ghost with my pale skin and dark circles under my eyes from not sleeping without him in the house with me. I cried almost every day he was gone. He was almost a teenager now and I was starting to wonder how I’d cope when he eventually went off to college.

Loneliness engulfed me, although I’d always tried hard to keep that from Jacob. The last thing I’d wanted was for him to feel guilty about staying with his dad. Daniel regularly called to try and convince me that I should move closer to him. I couldn’t imagine myself living anywhere else though.

Glancing out of the window, I could see that a plane had landed and my heart fluttered, hoping that it was Jacob’s flight. I couldn’t wait to give him a hug and check that he’d been eating well, even though I knew that Daniel and his new wife wouldn’t see him go hungry. Jake would always be my baby boy though.

As I peered out of the expansive window overlooking the busy runway my phone started to ring. I moved to one side, away from the busy hustle and bustle of the airport and took my phone out of my pocket.

Jake’s number flashed up on the screen and my heart jumped with excitement and anticipation. I wondered how my own mother could have abandoned me when I felt so tied to Jacob in every possible way. I shrugged off the thought and swiped the screen to answer his call.

“Baby, are you here? I can’t see you,” I chirped excitedly into the phone, a huge grin on my face.

“I’m delayed Ma, I won’t be getting in until tomorrow,” I heard him smile into the phone, his voice had started to break and I had noticed the deepness in it grow over the weeks we’d been apart and talking on the phone. “Dad got tickets for a really cool computer game show but it’s only on today…”

My heart sank. I was mildly aware of a tinge of annoyance at the edge of my upset; surely Jacob or Daniel could have let me know before I’d driven to the airport and gotten myself all worked up.

“I need you to do me a favour though Ma,” he continued, not waiting for me to respond. “I’m sorry I couldn’t call earlier but since you’re already there I wonder if you could pick up my friend. His flight should have just landed and he’s from town.”

“Oh, okay – I guess that’s alright. How will I know who he is?” I talked into the cell phone and tried to hide the disappointment–and slight frustration–from my voice as the smile fell from my face.

“Oh, you’ll know him when you see him Ma,” Jake sounded excited and nervous which, which in turn made me curious. “Ma–I love you, I want you to be happy. Don’t forget. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Before I had the chance to answer, he was gone. I looked down at my phone and wondered to myself what on earth he was up to. It crossed my mind that he hadn’t mentioned any of his friends were away for the summer and I glanced around, trying to see if I could spot a gawky teenager loitering around on their own.

I didn’t have much chance to dwell on Jacob’s call or my own disappointment because as soon as I looked around I could see what my not-so-little boy had been up to. But… how?

Stood looking right at me across the arrivals lounge was a face I hadn’t seen in the flesh for almost six years. He was still as handsome, just a little worn around the edges now. His tired face lit up when our eyes met across the crowded space.

Joel hesitated only for a second before rushing to me and pulling me into a tight embrace. I shook with emotion; tears pouring down my face and I felt a lump lodge in my throat as I gulped for air. He was kissing my neck and cheek and I felt his tears mingle with my own.

“What… how?” I gasped, pulling away and putting a hand to my mouth in surprise.

“Jacob was in California and he asked to meet me. I didn’t know his da… Daniel was living there now?” Joel started to explain. “Or that he knew, you know, about me.”

“Daniel moved a couple of years ago and Jake stays with him for the summer. He contacted you?” I could barely stand, my legs were like jelly and so he put his arm around me and guided me over to the bank of seats so we could sit down.

“I’m not sure how he found my number but I went to meet him. I thought something had happened to you.” He was holding my hand and sitting so close we could almost be conjoined. “He said his dad was married and he was staying with him but you were here alone. He came right out and asked if I was married or with anyone; which I’m not.”

“He what? Oh my goodness – I’m sorry, Jacob likes to fix people. I’m so embarrassed,” I could feel my cheeks start to flush.

I knew that Jake hated to leave me alone but I kept on reminding him that I was on my own because I chose to be. Letting Joel leave the second time had been my choice; I knew then that I would always love him, but there had been no place in his crazy rock-star life for Jake and I. As much as it had hurt, I knew that I couldn’t be with him and give Jacob the stable life he deserved.

“I’m glad he found me; he’s grown into a great young man. He is so much like you.” Joel laughed, the smile lighting up his face as he did so. “He asked me to come and I didn’t hesitate to say yes. It was really amazing to get to know him a little better.”

I knew that he would see the doubt in my eyes. Although I knew that The Riots aren’t together anymore and hadn’t been for a few years from what I could gather from the magazines I scanned in the local shop, I wondered if the media circus is any less insane than it was six years earlier. Billy had exchanged some emails but we didn’t talk about his life as much as we did about Jacob and so I didn’t really know what he and Joel had been up to.

Admittedly I had seen and heard less and less of them in the media since Waz’s death, but the insane world Billy and Joel inhabited was still no place for my young son.

“It isn’t like it was. People recognise me, sure, but the reporters aren’t interested in me anymore. I can walk down the street without having my picture splashed across the tabloids. I try to keep myself to myself and so the press have no interest anymore, I’m old news.” He entwined his fingers with my own and kissed my hand, it was almost as though he was afraid I might blow away if he didn’t keep hold of me. “I don’t want that life Indi, I want you – wherever or however that might be, and I would really like to be a part of Jacob’s life.”

“I missed you so much,” I cried hard. Years of heartache poured down my face like a river whose dam had just burst. “I didn’t want to walk away from you but that was no life for Jake. It wasn’t a life I wanted for myself either. I love you so much, I always have. It took everything to walk away from you that day; if not for Jacob I wouldn’t have had the strength.”

“Will you have me?” he asked. “Not just for a little bit, but for always?”

I laughed, snorting as I did.

“What’s so funny?” he smiled at me, blushing slightly.

I laughed harder then. “That sounded so cheesy Joel! Have you started writing love songs or something?”

“Hey, I was having a moment!” he nudged me in the side with his elbow but grinned at me still.

“I’m sorry, it just sounded so unlike your rock star image!” I pulled him into a hug, intoxicated by the smell and feel of him.

We sat there in the middle of the busy airport holding each other and laughing, our heads bowed close together as we took each other in. It felt like home.

“Yes, I’ll have you–forever,” I told him.