River's End (River's End Series, #1) (30 page)

She heard him before she saw him. She could feel Jack stepping directly behind her. There was a change in the air and her heartbeat increased. He squatted down next to her and his eyes were on her. She kept hers glued to the rocky river bottom. He finally sat, stretching out his legs in front of him. “So I didn’t handle that in the best way I could have, huh?”

She turned and he smiled at her, but she frowned. Why was he smiling at her? Now, of all times? He’d just beaten his brother up. Over her. After being a total jerk to her. Jack who was serious almost all the time, decided now not to be? His smile became a long, lazy grin that made her heart swell.

“You beat up Joey.”

“I tried to beat up Joey. He surprised me with all the fighting skills he learned while he was gone. I should have anticipated that.”

“You scared your children by hitting their uncle.”

“I know, I just spent the last hour explaining why they should never act that way, and to listen to what I say, instead of doing as I do. Somehow, I don’t think that was quite how it’s supposed to be.”

“You…”

“I know what I did, Erin,” he said, interrupting her, but his tone remained gentle. “I embarrassed you. I hurt you. I shamed you. I know what I did and Joey was the least of it. Joey can fight back. But you can’t.”

She frowned. That was not what she meant. But strangely, Jack raised his hand to her cheek. Who was this new Jack? She didn’t get him at all.

“You acted like you’d never seen me. You think Joey was rude to me now, but at least, Joey never lied to me. He always told me where we stood; we always were honest with each other. That’s something, Jack. Something pretty important.”

He nodded. “It’s the first time I’ve woken up beside anyone but Lily. I’m sorry, Erin, it might happen sometimes. I don’t take change very well. I don’t adjust very well. I should have explained that. I should have told you a lot of things before I made love to you.”

“You mean, had sex with me.”

“No. I mean, made love to you. It wasn’t an accident. It wasn’t something I didn’t intend to have happen. I just couldn’t admit that to you, and especially to myself. And not for the reasons you think. It wasn’t about you and Joey. It was about letting go of Lily.”

Erin jerked her head around. She never expected that.
Lily?
It was
his
past that bothered him? Not her past? Not her sluttiness that made Jack hesitate in his pursuit of her? He had her attention finally.

“Letting go of Lily?”

He nodded. “I never pictured moving on. Not really. I lived with it. The grief. The pain. Missing her. But I never had any interest in finding someone new. I never thought I would. That’s why you got so much shit from me at first. I knew what was going on; and I didn’t know how to handle it.”

Erin let out a long breath. The heat from the rocks seeped through her cotton shorts and warmed her butt. The sun felt hot on her arms and face, as it lit up the river before her. The air stirred softly as if the heavens were also exhaling a long breath. Mostly, however, she felt her heart lifting as she listened to Jack. But at the same time, her stomach sank. Jack didn’t mean that. There was no way Jack meant that.

“I know what you’re doing, but you have to stop. Of course, you have to be in love with me; how else can you face your boys? I couldn’t figure out why you said that. Not until I saw you with Charlie, comforting Charlie, while trying to explain what you’d done. You have to love me to justify what you did with me, in order to face your kids again. That’s the kind of man you are, and the kind of father you want to be. You don’t bring home sex. You don’t subject your kids to watching you with someone besides their mother. So you have to love me in order to justify sleeping with me. Or wanting what Joey had. I can face that. You need to face it too.”

Jack’s eyes were hot on her face. She stared into the ripples of the river as it gently moved over the rocky bottom, catching sunlight and glistening before it shattered again.

“I wouldn’t do that. Not even for my kids.”

She stiffened her back.

“I can love you, Erin, and there doesn’t have to be an excuse for it. Or a reason. I can love you because you make me smile and laugh, when nothing else has for a long time. I can love you because I feel better just thinking of you, let alone, what you do to my heart when you’re near me. It’s not new. It’s not even that big of a surprise. It just is.”

She shook her head.
No.
Jack was wrong. She knew Jack better than he knew himself. He could never love her.
She
wasn’t whom he wanted or what he needed.

Jack sighed and pulled his knees near his chest before locking his arms around them. “Okay, Erin. Okay, you don’t have to believe me yet. I deserve that. I didn’t do anything right with you, starting with the day I first saw you beside your car. I probably deserve your reaction for that. Just tell me one thing, how long?”

She shifted her gaze to his. “How long… what?”

“How long will it take you to believe me? If I still tell you I feel this way, in say, a month, will you believe it?”

She scoffed. A month was nothing. He smiled. “Okay, six months? Then, will you believe me?”

She shook her head. “You won’t be saying that in six months.”

“But if I do, will you believe me?”

She hesitated and wanted to believe him now, right this second. But she knew better. She didn’t actually believe Jack would be pursuing her in six months. So what harm was there in agreeing now? “Okay, fine. In six months, when I prove you wrong, you’ll thank me.”

He smiled at her. “Will you move into the house with me?”

“No. Never. You’ll thank me for that too.”

He threw his head back and flashed his teeth in a smile. “So I get to sneak into your trailer? Okay. That might be fun.”

She glanced at him. “You intend to keep on doing this?”

He looked deeply into her eyes and didn’t blink or flinch. “I intend to do this for the rest of my life.”

Had he just swung a brick into her gut? But… his tone was serious, stern, and soft. He seemed to believe it with every ounce of his upstanding heart. She pitied him on the day he realized she was right, and started to feel bad about all this. But she could wait him out.

She glared at him. “I’m not quitting my job either.”

He sighed. “I feared you’d probably dig your heels in about that. Okay. I probably deserve it for being a prick to you about a number of things. I’ll deal with it. You can work in your damn bikini and I’ll work around your damn pool in the middle of my fields. But have you decided if you’ll see Allison yet?”

“No. I haven’t decided, and if it doesn’t work? I’ll still be illiterate. You’re willing to keep claiming how much you love me if I’m still stupid?”

He stared at her a moment longer, then got to his feet, towering over her. “I want you to see Allison because I worry about you. Not because I care how it reflects on me. I accept you as you are today. I like you. And most of all, I love you. So I get this is a lot to take in. I have two sons, and there’s a lot of responsibility that comes with me. I get you need to adjust to that. But when you do, will you let me know?”

“Let you know?” she repeated.
Could Jack mean any of this?

“Yeah, let me know. I think you love me. I think you wouldn’t be acting the way you do if you didn’t. I can live with that, Erin. I can give you all the time you need. Just let me know when it’s enough.”

She frowned, and glared at him. “What do you think will happen with us? I’ll somehow step in and what? Become something to Charlie? Or to Ben? Have you met me? I’m the worst person for you to share your life with.”

He shook his head and smiled as if he knew some secret she didn’t. “I think I was a jerk to let you think that. It simply protected me from admitting what I was so scared to admit. I’m gun-shy, Erin. I lost a wife once, and it’s impossible for me to think of facing something like that again. But I would, for you. Because I love you. I think you love me, and we can make the rest of it work. I think tonight though, we should go to dinner.”

“Go to dinner?”

“Yeah. Like going out to dinner. Like a real couple. The couple you’ll someday get used to being with me.”

Saying that, he turned on his foot and walked away, leaving her staring after him with her mouth open, and her eyebrows lowered in confusion.

Jack deserved Erin’s denial and rejection of what he knew was true. He’d been in love one other time in his life, and could never mistake the feelings. But he was to blame with how piss poor he treated Erin. He denied her, as well as himself, and blamed it all on what happened with Joey, when really, Joey was nothing to the equation at all. Joey was merely the catalyst for Jack to finally face what he was so afraid to face: being in love again.

Joey was sitting on the bottom step of the porch with two black eyes, and a big lip. He had a bag of frozen peas on one eye. He watched Jack walking up, and appeared weary.

“So, I guess I screwed this up.”

Joey stared at him for a long moment before a smile tugged on his cracked lips. “You could have just told me.”

“You didn’t have to be such a dick to her.”

Joey nodded. “I think I was just pissed off. You were so sure Erin was a mistake for me; I guess the blatant hypocrisy didn’t sit too well. The thing is: she was right; I was always in your shadow. I wanted you to be proud of me. And you weren’t. Not about Chance. Or about Erin.”

Jack kicked the dust and glanced at his scuffed toe. “Yeah, well, she was a mistake with you, Joey. I was jealous. I should have told you, and her, hell, even myself, a long time ago. I didn’t want you to have sex with her. I didn’t want anyone else to either. I wanted to, but more than that, I liked her. I blamed you and her for why I couldn’t have her. The thing was: it was purely because of me. Because of Lily and my fear of loving again. Whatever, it was my fault. I shouldn’t have hit you.”

Joey was quiet and finally smiled up at Jack. “I shouldn’t have called her those names. You really love her?”

Jack took Joey’s smile as permission to sit down, which he did next to his little brother. “Seems so. She doesn’t believe me. She thinks I said it just to look good in front of my kids.”

“You deserve that, Jack.”

Jack chuckled. “I do. I deserve that.”

Joey smiled. “She’ll come around.”

“I intend to wait it out. You okay with that?”

Joey nodded. “I’m okay with that. I probably oughta apologize to her too.”

“You think?” Jack glanced at his brother. “How are you anyway? How long do you get to be home?”

“I’m good, Jack. I really am. I’m not staying, I’m just visiting temporarily.”

Jack rubbed his sore jaw. “Where’d you learn to hit like that?”

Joey smiled as he began to tell Jack everything he’d been up against lately. Jack listened, feeling glad his brother was home, and happy too that Joey wanted to go back. Erin returned from the beach and walked up to her deck, and inside her trailer. Jack glanced towards the horses now grazing in the sun-drenched meadow beyond, and the river glinting in the sunlight. His sons later joined them. At first they were quiet, but as soon as they realized Joey and he were okay, they opened up, and smiled and laughed. After that, Ian and Shane came out too.

His wife was buried on the ranch. The wife he adored, cherished, worshipped, and finally buried. He had been sure he would never get over it. But he somehow had. Erin was nothing that he envisioned for his life. She was opposite to everything he might have predicted. But she brought him back to life, and his kids, and his home here. Having been here his entire life, not until Erin showed up, did he ever stop and look around to realize what he had, and who he was. He now felt her presence in every breath he took. She was wrong; it wasn’t the ranch that told him exactly where he was supposed to be, it was she. He was there now because of her.

And six months? Nothing. Not when he thought about the shared lifetime ahead of them.

He waited until his brothers drifted off, and Ben went to call a girl in his class, while Charlie ran out to play. He finally began his chores and looked up when he heard the barn door open.

Erin stood there, silhouetted against the afternoon sunlight. She changed into her jeans and cowboy boots. She stared at him, long and solemn, before she finally smiled. It was a smile that twisted his heart and warmed his guts. He smiled back at her, and put his hand out towards her. She stared for a long moment, before suddenly launching herself into his embrace. He caught her, nearly falling over to hold her, as he laughed and his heart lifted.

And only then, did they start to feed the horses, side-by-side, together.

“Jack, wake up. You have to get up now.”

Jack sat up with a curse as his head smacked into the overhanging cabinets. He rubbed his head as he eyed Erin through blurry eyes. He glanced at the clock. It was barely after three in the damn morning. He groaned. “This bed is to damned small. I have a perfectly good one in my house. Now you want me to stumble across the ranch in middle of the night?”

“No, I’m not kidding you. I need to leave and you need to get back to the house.”

“I’ll get up in a little while.”

“Last time you said that you slept through until six and Charlie was already up. Please, Jack. It’s important.”

He grumbled and sighed as he flipped the covers back and swung his legs around. He put a hand out to grab hers and bring her closer. “Can we please just use my bed? Why do I have to keep sneaking around my own damn house? Or sleep on a bed better suited a doll.”

She rolled her eyes as she patted his cheek. “Plenty of people sleep in trailers. And yes, we are not going to start parading around the house for Charlie to witness.”

Who knew Erin would become the police for propriety. She would only stay in his room, if the boys weren’t in the house. Or once in awhile he convinced her to sneak in late and leave early.

She turned to finish slipping her bikini top on. He eyed her bare, slim back with appreciation. “You want a lifejacket to go over that? That would work, you know. You’d be wearing the swimsuit, be in the bikini theme, but I’d be so much happier.”

She frowned at him. “No. We’ve been through this. I make a lot in tips, it’s starting to finally add up.”

He hated imagining why she made so much in tips. He
really
wanted her to not work there. Just stay here. There was plenty to do on the ranch at any moment. He wasn’t even kidding or making up anything. But she would not quit the job, nor move into the ranch house with him, or even let on they slept together. Though everyone knew they did. Who did she think they were kidding? They stared at each other all goofy-eyed all the time. Any idiot could see they were in love with each other.

He stood up. He had six inches of room. He really wished she’d give up a little of her near obsession with the stupid trailer. She loved it to a degree that was almost insulting. She almost liked it more than him.

But he knew it was about a lot more than that. It was about having something to call her own. Her confidence in him, in her place in his life and on the ranch was precarious at best. She truly believed it was simply going to disappear. He’d sold her the truck and trailer out right by tricking her to give him a dollar, which he then handed over the title to both with a bill of sale. They were hers. She had been insistent she could not take them. But she’d finally relented. Strangely, there was nothing else he could give her, or provide for her, she’d want more.

He shook his head to wake up. She stepped down into the living room and started her coffee maker. He pushed his legs into his jeans and followed her shirtless. Her eyes strayed to his torso and stayed for longer than a second. She unbelievably blushed when she accidentally caught his gaze. It still made him grin like a fool. After the things they did last night, how could she still blush from simply gazing at him? But she did. She was sweet, and quiet, and finally, here at the ranch she got to simply be who she was.

He stepped forward and grabbed her waist and brought her to him. He nuzzled her neck. “You know what the date is today, don’t you?”

“February 28
th
.”

“Yes, and you know what that means?”

She frowned and shook her head. “What?”

“Six months. Today is six months to the day.”

She stilled. He hadn’t mentioned that August conversation since it happened. He’d simply started dating her and wooing her with a vengeance that he’d previously tried to make her leave. There had been a few fights in between it all. Charlie had been a major stumbling block for them. He was not okay with Erin in Jack’s life. Jack had tried to explain to Erin that his son could not determine who he dated, but she’d have none of that. She did everything she could to not upset him. Including, making Jack sleep in her freaking trailer more than his poor back could handle. He now constantly had all kinds of aches from her intolerable bed.

Her breath hitched. She dropped her gaze down below his eye sight. “Yes, I guess it is.”

“So, I’m still here. Now, when I tell you I love you, do I get to be believed? Did I prove it yet? Convince you yet? Do my penance?”

She slowly lifted her face to his. “Are you sure?”

Her voice was soft and breathy and
still
she didn’t believe he could love her. He touched her chin and cupped her face. “I’m sure. Are you?”

A small smile touched her lips. “Yes. I like being with you.”

He lifted up one side of his mouth in a half grin. “Yeah, well I
like
you too. I love you. Can I say it now? Will you finally let me say what it is so freaking obvious between us? Everyone but you knows it.”

Her brow tilted down. “I know how I feel.”

“Well, how’s that?”

She blushed again. “I love you.”

He lifted her up and twirled her around. “Will you let us just be together now? For real? No more testing. No more just seeing? Just be the couple we so obviously are.”

She finally laughed as he set her back to her feet, grinning like he was Charlie on Christmas morning. He’d paid a lot of penance for his short-sighted, asshole behavior. He didn’t deny he deserved it, but he was really ready to move forward. To have a girlfriend. To have a life outside of the trailer with Erin.

She still wouldn’t see Allison Gray about reading. It’s the other subject they went around and around about. She simply refused. There was no talking her into it. He suspected the more he pressured, the less she’d go. She seemed to take his concern about it that he was embarrassed by her. There was no convincing her that he simply worried about her. Still, he hoped the more secure she became of her place in his life, his heart, his family and this ranch, she’d feel safe enough; free enough, to pursue it. He knew it was all tied up in her twisted image of herself. She thought she was stupid and useless and unwanted and nearly unlovable. It would take years to undo the negativity she’d listened to and the neglect she’d always been on the receiving end of.

The thing he knew but was still convincing Erin of was that they had the rest of their lives to figure it out. To find a way to teach her to read. And to get her sure enough of him to trust none of this was ever disappearing from her again.

“Will you move into the house now?”

She shook her head. “It’s still too soon. I’ve only been here a year. It’s just not right. So, no.”

He sighed. He knew somehow she’d say that. He grinned as he tipped his face into hers. “Then will you at least consider being a few minutes late to work?”

Her breath hitched. “I might consider that…”