Rock My Heart (7 page)

Cillian winked at me before he disappeared up the stairs and I finally let out a strangled breath I’d been holding.

Up until this point in my pregnancy, I’d been very good. I didn’t drink and stopped smoking. I was so afraid of causing myself another miscarriage, I tried to take it easy but the way my body felt in Cillian’s presence was magnetic and beyond any words I could put in any sort of comprehensible order.

He made me feel alive and for the first time, I felt like the old me when everything felt right between Kaz and I. We were in perfect tandem with one another and I wasn’t expecting it to disappear so quickly.

I knew what his problem was and if I were honest with myself then I would admit freely my soon-to-be-husband wasn’t ready to fall in love yet again and certainly not with someone like me. I confused him and dragged him back into the country club world he never wanted to be a part of but being married to Damira had also worn him out and torn him down in the end.

She, unlike me, was too much of a reminder of what he’d left behind. Her cousin, Loire, was Dizzy’s Cox’s daughter and his half-sister after all. It was too close to the flame and he couldn’t stand being that near to the underworld.

What he hadn’t realized—and neither had I—was his connection was more than blood and way more than skin deep. He couldn’t separate himself from his two identities because they were both what made him the man he was and if he tried, he would self-destruct and tear himself apart. He would also destroy our relationship in the process and the thought was too much for me to bear.

I could deal with a lot of crap but losing Kaz wasn’t one of them.

IT WAS STRANGE to wake up and know there was another man in my house but he slept in the guest bedroom and he was also my fiancé’s half-brother. I couldn’t get past that and no matter how hard I tried, my thoughts led back to him and I would feel like shit all over again.

I had not embraced this man and our lips hadn’t touched one another but I was cheating on Kaz because emotionally, I was not with him and didn’t feel him. To be honest, I don’t know what I wanted to feel for him.

Part of my heart died after I finished my shower and brushed my damp hair at the vanity mirror. It was only then I saw his platinum engagement band on the dresser. It stared at me accusingly, and with indignation as if it dared me to call him and ask him what the fuck was going on and why wasn’t he wearing it?

Had he decided to call off the wedding indefinitely? Were we never getting married? What did he mean when he just took off his ring and high-tailed it to Vegas? If he thought getting a two year contract with Scarlet Fever was enough to scare me away then he had another think coming. I wasn’t going anywhere and although I was tired of the constant state of flux our lives were in at the moment, I also knew it wouldn’t be this way forever.

Las Vegas offered infinite opportunities and at least we wouldn’t have the baby on the road as an infant or toddler. We would be in one place and I would still have my friends around me, the ones who counted anyway.

I couldn’t lie, I was going to miss Talia like crazy but we could work something out and I would definitely come back to L.A. to see her. This wasn’t happening at the moment and if a deal was worked out, it would be months before we made the move

So why had he left his engagement ring and what the hell was he trying to tell me?

My first thought, after I’d dressed in a pair of back cotton shorts and a white peasant blouse, was to voice dial him and get down to the bottom of this fiasco he’d caused.

I expected my phone call to go to voicemail but surprisingly, he answered it.

“Why did you leave your engagement ring here?” I demanded after he said “hello” without any prerequisites what so ever.

Kaz sighed on the other end. “I’m not going to lie, Syd. I was pissed off with you and angry with myself because I shouldn’t have hit you. I know that goes beyond the pale and I understand if you don’t want to…marry me anymore or if…you need a break.”

I began to pace out of sheer nervousness. “You’re kidding, right? I’m pregnant with your child, Kaz. We can’t take a ‘break’ as you call it because it’s a little late for that. I love you and I know your behavior has a lot to do with Cillian being here—”

“Yeah, about that…Jaden called me last night and you have to get rid of him today. I have top notch security so you don’t need him there with you. Do you understand what I’m saying? Cillian is a cold-blooded killer. Don’t let that Irish brogue and the blue-eyed charm he has do a number on you. He’s a very dangerous man,” Kaz explained dismissively.

I was a bit taken aback by his attitude. When did he stop asking me and start demanding I do what I was told by him? No man had ever treated me like that and I wasn’t about to put up with it from him, regardless whether he was my fiancé or not.

“Kaz, I’m not a child and I can make up my own mind. I have already told Cillian he could stay until he drives back home tomorrow. He has some club business to take care of and I swear to you there isn’t anything going on between us. What kind of woman do you take me for?”

“I trust you, Syd but I can’t say the same about my half-brother. He wouldn’t bat an eyelid at sleeping with you. He’s not a good guy…”

I sighed loudly before I sat on the sofa. “What’s the real reason why you don’t want me to stay with him? Does it have anything to do with what he could tell me about you?”

“Listen, I need to get to the meeting with the Vogue Hotel executives, the rest of the band and Paul. I’ll try to call you this evening.”

“I love you,” I blurted out. “And you don’t have to worry about anything happening between Cillian and I. Why would I do that when I know it would break your heart? However, we have to talk about our issues when you get home. If we want a long-lasting marriage then we have to be open and honest with one another.

Kaz snickered. “Honesty is so fucking overrated, it’s not even funny. Gotta go and have a great day.”

He ended the call and I set the phone on the bureau.

It took me less than thirty seconds to realize he’d never said he loved me back.

Chapter Six

Trouble

KAZ COULDN’T QUITE understand why he hadn’t just said those three little words to Sydney, even if it was only to make her feel better.

He still felt like shit about slapping her but being in Vegas with Will, Grant and their girlfriends—who also happened to be sisters—chilled him out a bit.

So did the contract Vogue Hotel and Casino was offering Scarlet Fever and it would be well worth it to move to Vegas and spend two years just performing in one place. They would still be given time off during that period to record another album yet the deal offered stability and one arena to meet, greet, and play for their fans.

It was perfect.

In fact everything in his life was bigger than his wildest dreams so why did he feel so shitty about the downturn between Syd and him?

He never saw it coming and thought he wouldn’t ever have to face his demons.

Kaz knew he loved her very much.

More than any other woman who’d ever been in his life and the thought of sharing those feelings and being that reliant, that co-dependent, on another person drove him crazy because he’d always thought of himself first and everyone else came second.

It was an occupational hazard and the direct result of losing the one person he cared about so deeply so early in life.

His mother.

If she hadn’t been so selfish and killed herself, would his life have turned out any different? Would he have fled home as soon as possible with the misguided effort his
real
father held the key to his emotional stability and happiness?

Kaz couldn’t replay all that shit in his head and keep his sanity. He was almost losing it now because Cillian was in the same house as Sydney and although he trusted her to be faithful to him, he didn’t trust his brother to keep his mouth shut.

“Hey, are you doing all right?”

Kaz looked up to see Sasha standing not too far from him.

He’d decided to spend the morning outside in the back yard while Will, Paul, his wife Jerrica, Grant and Laurel had all gone down to the Strip. Sasha opted out because she had business to do that couldn’t wait. He didn’t see how Grant could put up with a woman who was kept as perpetually busy as Sasha but they managed and seemed quite happy.

“Yeah, I’m fine, why?” he inquired as he tried to hide the late morning Becks he was too busy drinking while contemplating about his complicated life.

“I’m your publicist and it is my job to make sure everyone is okay.” Sasha sat beside him and swigged from a bottle of Evian. “The funny part is both you and Jaden are always insisting to me that you are fine but if you aren’t, I need to know. I can’t do damage control on something I don’t know about and the last thing I need is to be caught unaware.”

“Maybe I don’t want you knowing every aspect of my fucking life, Sasha.” Kaz swigged from his beer, and didn’t give a damn whether she approved or not.

She was a gorgeous young woman with long dark hair, olive skin and liquid brown eyes. He could understand why Grant was attracted to her. She was unassuming yet even-tempered. She didn’t drink or drug excessively and everything about her was calming yet therapeutic in nature at the same time.

He hadn’t managed to ruffle her feathers; instead she just laughed out loud and shook her head. “Wow. That’s what I definitely call fine. Fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional. Then again, it’s five o’clock somewhere.”

“All right, you’ve worn me down. Everything is not fine but there isn’t much I can do about it at the moment.”

“Try me and maybe I can help you.”

Kaz allowed a stray hand to wander through his silky hair. “Okay, you caught me. My brother is in town and right now, he’s trapped in the house with Sydney.”

Sasha’s brown eyes glared at him with slight trepidation. “What does that mean? You’re going to have to elucidate on why that is a bad thing that your brother is in the house alone with your fiancée.”

“He’s Vice President of the Lucifer’s Saints charter club in Birch Tree and…the son of Desmond ‘Dizzy’ Cox who’s the President of LS.”

“So, the man who raised you isn’t your biological father?”

“No, he isn’t. My real father is a gangster and a murderous thug. I didn’t find out the man who raised me wasn’t my biological father until I was an adolescent. I was angry and upset—it led to a very turbulent period of my life where I was unsure of anything and I made some very bad decisions.”

“Okay. Understood. Why should I be concerned about this being leaked to the press? No one knows of your affiliation with a motorcycle club and it’s rare they would hear about it now. What’s
really
bothering you, Kaz?”

“I may have fucked things up with Syd…big time.” He stood and disposed of his empty beer bottle in the recycle bin before he grabbed another and flipped the top off with a metal opener. “Everything was going so well and now she is going to know I’m not the person she thought I was. No one knows what I did between the ages of eighteen and twenty. That period of my life is sealed. Official knowledge is I was busy working on forming the band and doing odd jobs in L.A. Introspect Records is very good at covering for their artists but that’s just a made up lie and simply not true.”

“Well then what is the truth?” Sasha stood and walked over to him. “If Introspect knows then I need to know because it’s the only way I can run interference. Don’t shut me out because I am not here to judge you or your actions. Please, tell me what you were doing during that two year period.”

Kaz laughed before he swigged on his bottle of beer again. “That’s the problem. Introspect doesn’t know the truth either. They think I was bumming around Europe but in reality, I was working for my dad. He got under my skin the same way he did my mother and for a while, I could have ended up just like Cillian. Kaelan—otherwise known as Jaden—saved me. We both had this dream of making it as rock stars. We took the money we’d saved and left Birch Tree. We moved to L.A. and the rest is history.”

“What are you trying to tell me, Kaz? I can only do so much with half the truth.”

“The truth….Sasha…is that I was working for my dad and I have a LS tattoo on my body…here.” Kaz pulled down his jeans and displayed the insignia for the Lucifer’s Saints.

Her mouth gaped open and closed like a fish. “Are you trying to tell me you’re a former gang member and Introspect Records doesn’t have a fucking clue?”

He shook his head before he replied, “I’m a full-fledged member of the Lucifer’s Saints
and
a rock star. I bought my way out—the same way Jaden did—but that doesn’t change a damn thing. It’s a part of my life I am not proud of and I wouldn’t dare tell Syd because I don’t want to see the look in her eyes you have in yours right now. The
only
way you leave LS is in a body bag.”

KAZ TRIED TO be productive for the rest of the day but he spent all his time checking emails and text messages on his phone. He finally calmed down long enough to watch
The Dark Knight Rises
but during all the time he spent on his own, his mood turned sour.

Sydney could not find out the truth, this he was certain of, but if she did, what did he plan to do about it?

Shortly after four in the afternoon, he contacted her.

“Why are we talking again? I know what it is you want to do and you know I’ll stand by your side. All this back and forth is driving me insane.”

“Is Cillian still there?”

“Yeah, he is, but he has been a perfect gentleman and I can’t complain.” She sighed out of sheer frustration. “He isn’t going to tell me anything, Kaz. It’s club business—why are you being so paranoid?”

“He shouldn’t be there, Syd. What you don’t understand is him being there puts your life in danger. He is a criminal and a felon in the middle of a murder trial. I’m trying to protect you—don’t you see that?”

“Yes, I do, but I am also an adult, and I don’t like being told what to do. I’m not a child…do you think you are telling me something I don’t know? Sometimes I feel like you don’t trust me and you believe I would do something to harm you but what the hell do I get out of hurting you? I love you so much and sometimes I feel like you don’t care about me at all. Please tell me that’s not true,” she responded before he heard her choking back sobs and the urge to cry.

Kaz wished he could feel that urgent need to comfort and console her though he honestly couldn’t help thinking how a once strong-willed and independent woman had turned into a pitiful weakling that would eventually rely on him for everything, even to prop her up emotionally.

“I can’t talk to you at all when you’re like this, Syd. Why don’t you get rid of my brother and try to get some rest. I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon.”

“I love you.”

“Goodbye—”

“No! Not just goodbye. Why can’t you say you love me too when I am your fiancée and the mother of your unborn child? What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Nothing is wrong with me but you have to understand the woman I met, the woman I fell for while we were on tour—you don’t seem like that person anymore. You’ve grown weak and needy and you have lost a part of your identity. Why are you relying so heavily on me when I have nothing left to give you except what we already share together? I can’t be that kind of man you need me to be. Is that so hard for you to comprehend?”