Authors: Ava Walsh
I spent New Year’s Eve at my apartment alone. Bonnie was in Colorado with Cory, and the guys were celebrating with their team at a local bar. I’d been invited but I didn’t feel too great, and I wanted to rest. I wasn’t in the mood to pretend that I and Nick were just friends and that I didn’t want to kiss him at midnight. I also didn’t want to see him kiss anybody else. I watched a movie in bed and dozed and felt my stomach twist as I sipped my ginger ale. This had been going on for about a week or so, and I assumed that it was the flu that had been going around the school before break.
Nick had been over as much as possible. He gave me a gift card for Victoria’s Secret, one for a little bookstore in town and a pretty silver bracelet with a dandelion on it for Christmas when we were alone. The amounts on the cards were enormous, and he made me promise to buy a lot of sexy things for him from the first store.
He was still busy practicing and spending time with the team. It was no different than before, but we’d been doing this for months now. I didn’t know what I wanted once the game was over, whether they won or lost.
I heard some party horns outside, and I glanced towards the closed blinds. I knew that next year I would be graduating from school and hopefully getting a job, perhaps in a gallery where I could work on something of my own to display. I had high hopes for that part of my future, but being in love with Nick wasn’t working too well for me. I rolled over and watched the couple dance on television, and I thought back to the way that I had danced with Nick in this room one night after we’d had sex. It was silly yet romantic, and I realized how many memories that I had in this room now.
Should I end this thing with him? I could focus on finding someone that would be with me completely and maybe love me back. There were so many guys in Seattle, and I was sitting here pining away for one who I didn’t show intimacy toward outside of closed rooms.
My stomach twisted violently as I moved to stand, and I hurried into the bathroom. I knelt over the toilet and threw up as I closed my eyes and pleaded with my body to stop. It hadn’t been this bad before, and I just wanted to feel normal again. I heard my phone chime in the bedroom, but I curled up against the cold porcelain and closed my eyes to try and ride the nausea out.
I woke up on the bathroom floor as cheers and bangs filled the air outside of the apartment. I sat up and looked around the dim room lit only by a night light as I realized that it was midnight. “Happy New Year to me,” I murmured, as I sat and listened to all of the celebrations around me and wondered what it would bring.
The sickness was worse when I woke up in the morning. I’d made it to bed, but I was back in the bathroom by eight in the morning and feeling miserable all over again. I took a deep breath as I walked to the kitchen for some orange juice and paused as I glanced at the calendar. January 1st, 2016. I started looking at the days of the week and frowned as I pushed the calendar back to November. I hadn’t marked it down, but I knew my body well, and I’d skipped a period during the excitement of the holidays at the end of November.
I remembered the night that the condom had broken, and my face felt cold and damp. It was just once, wasn’t it? I dropped the calendar and started to pace around the kitchen as I tried to sort this out. Bonnie would be gone for a couple of days, and I could deal with this until then, but I needed to know if I was pregnant or not. I heard my phone again as I pulled on some clean jeans and a sweater to run down to the corner store, and I glanced at it before I picked it up.
Nick. He had sent me six texts since last night, and it was evident that he had been drunk in the earlier hours. The last one was asking if I was alright, and I dropped the phone on the bed and hurried out of the door. I assumed that most people had been partying last night and would be sleeping, hoping that I wouldn’t run into anybody that I knew.
Rite Aid was practically empty, and I grabbed three tests and some more juice before I went to the register. My heart was pounding as I placed everything on the counter. The older woman glanced down at the pile before she looked up at me. “Just ring me up,” I mumbled, as she raised an eyebrow and did that before telling me the total. The thirty dollars that I paid was worth it to know if I was going to make the biggest decision of my life. I snatched the bag and walked down the street to see Nick walking up to my building. I ducked into a storefront so he wouldn’t see me.
Nick didn’t want a baby. Nick had made that clear, and I didn’t even want to think about breaking this news to him when I wasn’t sure myself. I remembered his text at one that told me he loved me and tears burned my eyes. He was just drinking and feeling sad, more than likely. I was glad I hadn’t seen it when it had come through since I was busy throwing up in the bathroom and passed out once I made it back to bed.
I watched him walk to his car and drive away before I stepped out into the street again. I just needed to be alone for a while.
I went into the bathroom and read the simple instructions before I sat on the toilet. I had to go so I just did them right then and there, then stood up and set them down on the counter. I knew that I had a few minutes to wait, so I turned on the TV in my room and stared at the show that was playing as thoughts ran through my mind. My phone went off again, and I picked it up to see Nick asking me where I was. I started to cry as I dropped it to the floor and longed to call him and beg him to come over. I wanted to be in his arms for this, not alone and scared.
I went into the bathroom after about ten minutes and looked down. All three told me my future, and tears fell down my face. I was pregnant with Nick’s baby, a guy who nobody in my life knew about. I was twenty-two and graduating from art school, and I was going to be a mother soon after that, before I had even had time just to be free. I loved Nick more than anything in the world, but I didn’t think that he loved me, even though I’d read that on my phone. Nick got sad a lot, and he was sometimes needy in that mood. It was why we had started sleeping together, and I sensed the nights when he was feeling that way now. In some ways, he almost seemed to feel that way more since we’d been having sex.
I tossed the tests into the trash and started sobbing as I walked into my bedroom and curled up on the messy comforter. I let it all out so I could decide what I was going to do about this. It was a reasonable assumption that he’d take care of us, do the right thing, but I hated the idea of him being with me, married and tied down because he felt obligated. Nick had never even held my hand in public, and he didn’t want to hear this news now.
I spent the next two days sleeping and eating as needed. I let my phone die, and I knew it was a matter of time before someone would come knocking on the door, since we didn’t have a house phone. It was Bonnie that came through the door and walked straight into my room with her luggage. “What’s going on? I was trying to call you to come get me from the airport.”
“Shit, I’m sorry. I wasn’t feeling great, and I’ve been sleeping. I think my phone died,” I told her, as Bonnie sat on the edge of my bed. “How did you get home?”
“Brandon came to get me after I called him. I had to tell him I’d have you call him or else he was going to be in here himself. I didn’t think you’d want him with the mood he was in, Mel. What gives? This isn’t like you.” She started at me with concern in her eyes, and I forced a smile onto my face. “He said you stayed home on New Year’s Eve too.”
“I wasn’t up to the whole bar scene,” I told her, and she shook her head. “How was Denver?”
“It was incredible, but I’m worried about you.” She sighed. “You look awful. I’ll call your brother and tell him you’re resting. Charge your phone, okay?” I watched her leave and plugged my phone into the wall before I crawled back under the covers. I slept through until the morning and dragged myself out of bed for a shift at the bookstore. I still felt pretty awful, and I grabbed a travel cup of orange juice to bring with me.
I’d grabbed my phone on the way out, and I pulled it out of my purse before I locked it in the filing cabinet behind the small counter. This was a very small store and didn’t have a big break room with lockers. In fact, there were only ten employees, and we all split the shifts. I glanced around to make sure it was slow and started to read my messages.
Yep. Brandon was angry and worried. He’d contacted my parents who’d left some messages saying the same thing.
Bonnie had sounded panicked when she’d called from the airport. I had promised her that I’d be there and completely forgotten about it with everything that was on my mind.
The list was growing, and I needed to find a way to make everyone believe that things were fine.
Nick had called and left messages as well as sending me texts. He sounded more concerned as they went on and I decided that I just had to end things with him. I didn’t need him prying into my life and finding out. I set the phone down and changed the station to shuffle songs on the Pandora radio. I didn’t want to hear the bleary Indie music that my coworker Jane preferred today.
A few people stepped in to look around with coffee from next door, and I greeted them all. When I saw a familiar figure at the door, I felt my heart jump. “Nick. What are you doing here?”
“I’ve been trying to get hold of you,” he said, as he walked forward and stared at me. “Are you okay?”
“I got a virus. I’m feeling better now. Sorry I didn’t get back to you.” I tapped something on the computer and pretended to read the screen as he stared at me. “How was New Year’s?” I had come across some pictures on a few sites that showed him with the team as well as Lara at the bar, though he wasn’t actually with her in any of them.
“New Year’s? Did you see the texts that I sent you? It wasn’t good without you there,” Nick told me, and I looked up at him. “I kept thinking you’d get back to me. I even tried to come by your place the next day.”
“I was running some errands. I must have missed you,” I explained, as Nick tilted his head.
“What’s wrong?” My heart broke as I forced a neutral expression onto my face and fought through my pain. “Melissa? What’s going on?”
I looked around the now empty store and back into his tormented eyes. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore. I was doing some thinking and it isn’t working for me.”
“You’re not doing this now. Not when the biggest event of my life is happening so soon,” he told me, as I forced a smile on my face.
“I’ll still be there for that. I’m still proud of you guys, but I just don’t want to be like we were anymore.” I shrugged. “It was fun, but I don’t think it’s working for me anymore.”
“Mel, I was going to step it up with you. I told you I loved you on New Year’s Eve. Did you see that?” His face was shocked, and I shook my head.
“No, when did you say that? Nick, this was never love for me. It was a crush, and we acted on it, and it was fun,” I feigned disinterest as he ran his hands through his hair. “I want to move on.”
“Is there someone else?” Nick demanded, and I shrugged. “Jesus, Mel. I stopped everything for you and fell in love with you. I didn’t have the guts to tell you until I’d had something to drink and…it’s too late?”
“I guess so. I’m sorry, Nick. I just don’t want this.” I watched him leave the store, and my stomach lurched. I hurried into the small bathroom to throw up. I felt like a piece of me was missing right now and I cried as I leaned over the toilet. I knew that I should get back out there, and I rinsed out my mouth and splashed some cold water on my face. I looked pale and tired in the mirror.
I tied my hair up into a messy bun as I returned to the register for the longest shift of my life. Lindsey came in to start her shift at two and rather than have me clean up, as usual, she ordered me home to rest. I got into my car and drove to the apartment as tears slid down my cheeks. I was pregnant, and I’d sent the father away. I couldn’t tell anyone who the father was, and I’d have to lie if I decided to keep the baby. I was relieved when Bonnie wasn’t home, and I locked the door and went to my bedroom. I fell into a fitful sleep and woke up dreaming of Nick in my room making love to me. The sounds he made echoed through my head as I rolled over onto my stomach and clutched it with my hands. I missed him more than I’d ever missed anybody.
I got up and had dinner with Bonnie that night after a shower, smiling and chatting with her as if things were normal. She told me all about her trip and showed me the diamond necklace that Cory had given her for a late Christmas present, which reminded me of the things that Nick had given me. I’d never spent any of the Vicky’s card on anything for him, not yet. I knew that I wouldn’t at all anymore, and I took a slow breath. “Are you alright?” Bonnie asked me, and I blinked.
“Yeah. Tired. I worked the early shift today, and I think my little nap messed me up even further. I just need a good night’s sleep. So did you see him play any games?”
Bonnie went on to talk about how well he played and that she thought that she liked hockey as much as she did football. She giggled when she told me that and said that her brother was not pleased about any of this, and I looked at the floor.
“He’s just protective of you, like Bran is with me. He loves you.” My voice was soft, and I smiled at her as I shoved my pain aside.
“I guess. He seems down. I talked to him today, and he almost sounded like he did when Mom died. I don’t know what happened. Maybe he split up with that girl?” Bonnie wondered, and I shrugged. “Have you talked to him?”
“Oh, we don’t speak that much. I see him when I’m at the house, or he’s at Mom and Dad’s, but we don’t talk on the phone or anything.” I’d erased every text message from him today as I cried, and deleted every call. There was no trace of what we had, and my phone had been silent all day. “I don’t know anything, Bonnie.”
“I hope he pulls it together for the game,” Bonnie said, looking concerned. “He’s worked so hard, and he loves football.”
“They’ll be great. Give Nick a minute and he’ll be all in again. Bran will rub off on him, at any rate.”
We moved on to watching some show and talking about that before I excused myself for the night. I went into my room and cried silently into my pillow, swearing that I could still smell him on the cover. This became a nightly thing for two weeks, although I pretended for everybody that I was happy. I was feeling a little better, and I finally made an appointment with the doctor.
She told me that I was eight weeks pregnant, which added up right to about the night that the condom had broken. When asked about the father, I told her that he wasn’t in the picture. We discussed my options: keeping the baby, adoption or abortion. I knew that it was within my rights to do any of these, but I couldn’t stomach the idea of ending a life. I told her that I’d think about the first two and I went home to check my email on my computer.
There was one from my drawing teacher that caught my eye. She was telling me that a friend who owned a gallery in Portland was looking for someone to assist her in running it and that she was interested in my being an intern and possibly getting the job after I graduated. That was in just a few months, and I might be able to leave town without ever showing the pregnancy. I could start over without being too far away. I sent something in response and took a deep breath as I clicked send.
I was caught up with the messages regarding the job, and we decided that I was ahead enough to leave a couple of weeks before school ended. I’d been doing extra work since I’d started school and was at the top of the class. I broke the news to Bonnie just as she was ready to tell me that she was moving to Colorado with Cory after she graduated. We both cried in the living room as we played back all of the years that we’d been together. It was heartbreaking to be losing her, but I was starting over as well, and I had that to think about.
We went to the game and the guys lost by a mere three points. I felt so wrecked inside as I watched Nick walk off the field with slumped shoulders along with my brother. Bonnie and I hadn’t broken our news yet, since we didn’t want to take away from the team’s glory. We all left the stadium silently with the disappointed fans, and Bonnie went to her brother’s house while I went home to the apartment.
I hadn’t spoken to him since the day at the store. I didn’t know whether I was relieved or heartbroken that Nick had done what I asked him to by letting me move on. It hurt so much as I tried to think about my upcoming move to Portland, a city that seemed like a perfect place to start over. The job sounded very promising, but I hadn’t told my teacher or my future boss that I was expecting a baby.
I had made the decision to keep it. No matter how hard it would be, this baby was a piece of Nick and me that I wasn’t willing to let go of. I would find a way to support the baby somehow and show her or him all the love that I could.
Bonnie came home crying, as she had just told the guys about her moving. Nick was angry with her, and Brandon was just sad. We were all so close, or at least we had been. She let it slip that she’d told them about me as well in the heat of the moment, and I rested my head in my hands. I heard my phone chiming from my purse. “I’m sorry, Mel. It slipped out when I was crying, and I didn’t mean it. It only fueled the fire.”
“I’ll bet.” All of my limited optimism faded from my mind, and I stared at my purse as the chiming kept going on. “Fuck, Bonnie I wanted to do that myself.”
“Mel, I’m sorry.” She looked at me in shock, since I never cursed much. I stood and grabbed my purse and walked into my room before slamming the door. I pulled the phone out of my purse and saw that Brandon was calling me, and I pushed the answer button and held the phone to my ear.
“What the hell is going on, Melissa?” Brandon yelled. My eyes flashed in anger.
“I got a job after graduation is what the hell. It’s not that far, and it’s a good fucking opportunity!” I yelled. There was silence on the other end. “I didn’t want to ruin your big day, and I was going to tell you soon before Bonnie decided to handle that for me.”
“You’re both leaving us, Mel. I don’t want that, and Nick doesn’t want that,” Brandon said, and I rolled my eyes. “Can we talk?”
“I am leaving in a month and a half. I wasn’t just going to leave, Brandon,” I told him, as I sunk onto my bed. “I just wanted to tell you myself.”
“Can I come over?” Brandon asked, and I shook my head.
“Not tonight, Bran. We’ll have dinner soon and talk this out,” I told him, as exhaustion and pain hit me hard. I said that I needed to go and hung up as I started crying.
It wasn’t Brandon but Nick that showed up at my door the following day. Bonnie was out running some errands, and I stared at him.