Romance: The Betrayal: Romantic Suspense With A Bizarre Twist (3 page)

With more people to choose from in your dating pool, you have a better chance of finding your life partner. For the next two weeks, make it your full-time job to find a mate. Yes, it's that easy. You will be amazed at the people you'll meet.

Think of it as a dating exercise. By getting more dating practice, you are inviting more opportunities into your life. This means a greater chance of finding your partner. Don't think it's possible? Then read this: After my friend and her husband got divorced, she couldn't bring herself to get back out into the dating scene. With much encouragement from her family and friends, she decided to give it a whirl.

She wasn't looking for a "good time," but she was looking to settle down again with a nice guy. She visited a dating coach who asked her to make 2 connections a day with total strangers. Now mind you, the connections only had to consist of a smile or a simple "hello." At first my friend was resistant to the dating coach's suggestion, but she tried it anyway. While at work, she smiled at a guy in the elevator, and when she stopped at the grocery store after work, she said hello to someone in the produce department.

As it turned out, the guy in the elevator had just recently broken up with his girlfriend, and the guy from the grocery store was looking for a date to bring to his class reunion. This is a true story, and it happens every day. As you become more open with people, you will generally attract them to you. By attracting them to you, you raise your chances of getting a date with them, and then.... You're on your way to finding that life partner!

If you sit in your house all day and not make those connections, you won't find anybody. My aunt used to say, "Honey, the man of your dreams isn't going to come to your house and ring your doorbell, you have to go out and look for him!" Even if you don't make a love connection with the people you meet during the next two weeks, you might make some good friends during your dating exercises, who may know someone to set you up with.

People who are extremely picky may simply be afraid of getting close to someone because they are wary of getting hurt. If you are extremely picky, ask yourself if you are afraid of other people seeing you for who you really are.

Those who are very picky may use their "pickiness" as a defense mechanism so their dates will not see through to their weaknesses. This is a method of protecting yourself, albeit an unconscious method. 

After you have acknowledged that you might have a pickiness issue, there are steps you can take so that you do not sabotage a promising relationship. Remember, it is good to be somewhat picky in the people you date, so don't feel that it is necessarily a bad thing.

Since your picky dating nature may stem from your fear of a long-term relationship, think of the reasons you are apprehensive of getting into a long-term relationship, and why you may be more fearful of a relationship than most people. Could it be that your pickiness is related to conflict or fighting in your family when you were growing up? Perhaps you were made fun of, or bullied in school, causing you to become insecure, or maybe a previous relationship caused you a broken heart in the past.

After you have acknowledged the reasons for your pickiness, let your friends and family know about them, and ask them to mention it when you start finding fault with one of your prospective dates. Friends and loved ones want to support you, and it is very important to exhibit your vulnerability with those you trust the most. 

A very important piece of dating advice is to not decide whether or not you like a person until you have had at least a few dates with them. By giving your new dates a chance, you just mind find that you judge them less as you get to know them more. You may even find that dating is becoming more enjoyable as well!

If you are too picky, you will miss out on the benefits that a long-term relationship can provide. This is not to say that you need a long-term relationship in order to be happy. Long-term relationships are not the "be all, end all" for many people, however, if a long-term relationship is what you desire, then being too picky may have negative consequences on your goals.

You are entitled to find a relationship or a mate that suits you. If you have not found that special person yet, keep looking until he or she comes along. Don't give up or get discouraged. If you're not sure if you are the picky type, think about the following statements. If you agree with them, you just might be a little too picky.

1. Everyone you date has an irritating laugh or voice.

2. You have broken up with someone over things that they have done when they were sleeping or just sitting there quietly.

3. You can't stand the way your date eats. If the noises your date makes when he or she is eating sends you into a tailspin, you might be too picky.

4. You decline more dates than you have actually been on.

5. You don't like your date's name.

6. You have already decided you won't go on a second date with this person even before you've gone on the first date.

7. You don't like his or her career choice.

8. The way he or she says the word "milk" makes you physically ill.

9. You can't remember your date's name, yet you remembered the amount of times he or she visited the bathroom.

10. You feel that all the good prospects are already taken.

11. When you first meet your date, do you start by thinking that they have a beautiful smile, or that their ears are enormous?

If you haven't had a substantial relationship for quite a while, it is only natural that you would wonder why. You may have even wondered if the person of your dreams is even alive. You may also question your standards and expectations.

There are so many amazing single people out there, and as my mother used to say, "there's a cover for every pot!" People who complain about a lack of quality people to date often have their expectations set unreasonably high. Although you should never settle for a person that you aren't attracted to, or that you do not particularly like, re-evaluating your expectations may help broaden your scope of interesting and available people to date.

Another sage piece of dating advice for the picky person is to not go into a date with preconceived expectations. Do not expect your date to be "the one." Simply hope to have a good time with the person, and if it works out, it works out. If not, don't fret.

There will be others. A good exercise to practice is try going out with someone who you do not consider your type, and commit to having a good time. You may be surprised that you had such a pleasant experience. If not, you got yourself some additional dating practice.

If you do not like the type of person that you are attracting, try changing your own self-image. We generally gravitate to people who are similar to ourselves, so if you do not want to attract a certain type of person, change your image to reflect the complete opposite of the types you typically attract.

People do, and should have a list of non-negotiable factors that come into play when searching for a life partner. This is not being picky, it's simply knowing what you want and what you are most comfortable with. Although non-negotiable variables should be considered, try not to include physical characteristics to your list. Being too picky in the "looks" department is a recipe for loneliness.

Sure, it's nice to be physically attracted to your date, however, there are other facets to attraction than physical attraction. You might be attracted to your date's wit, charm, manners, humor or compassion. Similarly, you may be attracted to the way your date talks to people, how he or she treats strangers, if he or she likes animals or how he or she views life. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and it is not always physical beauty or attraction.

I once dated a man who was so good-looking, that women would literally stare at him when he walked past. Although he was nice, he was rather "full of himself." I was able to look past that, but what I couldn't look past was his misuse of a certain phrase. Now I know what you're thinking, and it's probably true. I was being too picky.

Here's what happened, so you can decide for yourself if I was being overly picky. Instead of saying "by the way," he would say "by any chance." For example, we were walking in a park one day, and he wanted to show me where he plays softball. Instead of saying, "by the way, there's where I play softball," he said, "by any chance, there's where I play softball."

I though this was a one time fluke, so I overlooked it. Soon after, while driving past the hospital where he was born, he said "by any chance, I was born there." I'm not sure why he got the phrases "by the way" and "by any chance" mixed up, but it happened so often, I could not longer stand it. I decided to end the relationship, and looking back, there were other things about him that I didn't like, so it was just as well.

I did feel a tinge of remorse when I learned that he married one of my high school classmates, who was actually one of the most popular girls in my class. If I could do it all over again, would I have stayed with him? Maybe. My mother often asks: "I wonder what happened to "By Any Chance," referring to my old flame, and after I told her that he went on to marry one of the most popular girls in my high school, she replied, "See, it didn't matter to her that he got his phrases mixed up!"

One of my friends was given a good piece of dating advice that I often share with the picky daters that I know. Try to get a glimpse of how your date interacts in his or her own element. When you see your date involved in his or her work environment, family situations, or out with their own friends, it can put a different spin on how you feel about them.

You may not have "clicked" with the person while you were out on a date, but if you stick around long enough and give it a chance, you just might see something that you like about the person in the way he or she interacts in other "non-dating" situations. This is why it's sometimes beneficial to meet your future partner in the workplace. There, you have the benefit of seeing the person outside of the dating scene, and out in the real world, making a living and interacting with other people. Also, there's less pressure of a first date, and the whole "getting to know you" time period.

It seems like as people get older, they become less picky. When people see others in their age group getting married and settling down, they may want to do the same. On the other hand, age may increase pickiness, because as we get older, we become more set in our ways and less likely to compromise on what we're looking for in a mate.

Becoming less picky in the early stages of the dating game may actually be detrimental to a new relationship. If we settle for someone who does not meet our qualifications for whatever reason, as the relationship progresses, resentment may set in and cause bitter feelings to emerge.

There does seem to be a fine line between having your own set of standards and simply being too picky. For example, if you are the collegiate type and thrive on intellectual stimulation and deep conversation, it's perfectly fine to cross off those who don't feel the same way from your potential date list.

Conversely, you may want to take a chance on someone who although being appreciative of all things intellectual, is a little on the quiet side. As you get to know each other, the person is likely to emerge from his or her shell, and provide you with the steady stream of conversational banter that you so desire.

If you are into looks more than any other characteristic, it's okay. Keep in mind, however, that it is certainly not necessary for your date to be a runway model in order to be attractive. Being unrealistic in what you want in a mate only sets you up for disappointment, and you may be missing out on a lot of quality people if you continue on with the unrealistic traits that you want in a partner.

Another example of having standards vs. being too picky is when you care too much about your prospective date's career choice. A person who has an acceptable job, and who also takes a lot of pride in what he does for a living should not be crossed off your dating list. This person may want to build a future with you, and may be willing to work hard to do so.

Being overly picky is wanting a person to have a career or job that comes with bragging rights. If you hold out for someone who is a Nobel laureate, astrophysicist or movie star, you'll be selling yourself short. If you broaden your horizons and scrap the "I want to marry a doctor" mentality, you just may find that special person with whom you fall madly in love with.

Another valid piece of dating advice is to not put too much emphasis on common interests. While it is important to have things in common with your potential mate, everyone you date does not have to have everything in common with you. You do not need someone who is the mirror-image of yourself because you would surely get bored.

Introducing your mate to your interests and having your mate introduce you to theirs, is what keeps a relationship fresh and interesting. If you break up with someone simply because he or she doesn't like everything that you do is being too picky!

My neighbor's daughter got asked out on a date by a guy she met at restaurant. The mutual attraction was instantaneous, and initially, she thought that this might be a case of love at first site. After getting to know the guy a little better on their first date, she found out that he didn't go to college.

For her, this was a deal breaker, because she had always hoped for a college educated husband. In light of this, my neighbor's daughter decided to decline his invitation to go to a concert the following week. In fact, she told him that she would prefer to just "be friends" with him, as she didn't see the relationship progressing into something permanent. Although the guy felt bad, he didn't pursue it any further, and agreed that being friends would be fine. About a year later, my neighbor told me that the guy got married to a woman he met at work, and now, they own a very popular restaurant.