Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures (28 page)

I presented the question "I low do you cope with jealousy?" in two different studies.' In one of these studies, 285 men and 283 women were shown a list of seven coping strategies and asked which one of these strategies they were most likely to use when jealous. The response chosen most frequently was, "I talk about it with my partner." The least frequently chosen response was, "I respond with violence" Here are the percentages of the responses, in rank order:

■ I talk about it with my partner-34%

■ 1 1et my partner know I'm hurt-250/o

■ I try to ignore it-224%

■ I scream-7°ro

■ I get away-50o

■ I respond in some other way-5%

■ I respond with violence-i Vo

The problem with these percentages is that they tell us only the primary strategy the person uses, when in many cases people use different strategies at different times, and even simultaneously. In the second study, 103 men and women were asked whether or not they use each of sixteen different coping strategies presented earlier. Once again, "rational discussion" was one of the two most frequently reported strategies, the second being "I think through my role in the situation and assess rationally what I stand or fear to lose." And again, "physical violence" was the least frequently mentioned strategy. Here are the percentages of people who answered "yes" when asked whether they use a particular strategy for coping with extreme jealousy:

■ I think through my role in the situation and assess what I stand or fear to lose-800A6

■ I use rational discussion-790th

■ I use verbal assault-600/0

■ I use sarcasm-56%

■ I accept the situation-550/0

■ I cry-44°/o

■ I use stony silence-42%

■ I suffer silently but visibly-560/o

■ I try to find the funny side of the situation-360/o

■ I avoid the issue-33%

■ I retaliate, making my partner jcaIous-330/o

■ I Ieave my partner-29°/6

■ I suffer silently and covertly-27410

■ I make a joke of it-260/o

■ I use denial-180%

■ I resort to physical violence-7°/o

In two different studies, using two different groups of people and two different questions, the most frequent strategy reported for coping with jealousy was rational discussion; the least (requent strategy was violence.

Does this mean that people really arc most likely to talk about their jealousy in a rational manner or think through their role in the situation? Not necessarily. More likely, they answer according to what they know is the most acceptable way to deal with their jealousy whether or not they actually do it.

When asked to recall the most intense jealousy they have ever experienced, and then how they would have liked to respond to the situation that triggered that jealousy, chances are that most people would have said that they wished they had a cool, rational discussion with their partner or thought through the situation and their role in it. Chances are also good that in fact they did something different, which is part of the reason they recall it as their most extreme jealousy.

The fact of the matter is that talking with one's partner and thinking through one's role in the jealousy crisis are indeed the best coping strategies, because they are the most likely to produce positive results. The practical question is: How to do it?

Since it is difficult to think clearly and compare options when in the midst of an emotional turmoil, it is best to get away temporarily from both the person and the situation that triggered the jealousy (if at all possible, to get out of town).

The person in the midst of a jealousy crisis needs to consider several questions. These questions were mentioned earlier in this chapter and throughout the book, but they bear repeating:

■ First, what is it exactly that's making you jealous? The fact that he's going out without you? That he seems to have more fun with her than with you? That he had an affair?

■ Second, what is at the heart of your jealousy? Envy of' your rival? Fear of loss? Fear of abandonment? Humiliation? A threat to the relationship? A threat to your ego?

■ Third, why are you experiencing that particular component of jealousy so intensely? Is it related to an old experience you might have had in your childhood? I low is the old experience related to what you arc experiencing now? Could the current threat be related to what you found most rewarding about your mate's love at the beginning of your relationship?

Once people have identified their own role in the jealousy problem, they can consider their options for responding. They should consider, too, how their partner is likely to respond to each of those options, and what they themselves want to happen. A man who wants more than anything else for him and his wife to be close again should realize that attacking his wife is not the best strategy. Expressing his love and pain is likely to have a much more positive outcome. The best setting for that is an open and considerate discussion that gives both partners the opportunity to describe their feelings and explain whatever needs to be explained without being attacked.

One way to do it (which works best with couples who like structure) is for each partner to take exactly five minutes to make one point (only!) as the other partner listens and tries to understand. The speaker is not allowed to attack the listener. The listener can only ask for clarification and, at the end of the allotted five minutes, must repeat back the main point to the speaker's satisfaction.6

Hurt feelings and counter-attacks can be avoided if both partners are careful to follow these three steps:

1. Describe what the partner is probably feeling. ("You must feel constrained when I'm with you at a party.")

2. Describe what you are feeling. ("I feel left out when you have long conversations with other people, and threatened when you seem attracted to them")

3. Express clearly what it is that you want. ('1 would really appreciate it if you would include me in some conversations when we are at a party.")

When the situation is too explosive for talking of any kind, couples may want to consider writing what they want to say to each other-in the form of a love letter. People who feel overcome by jealousy and think they are likely to do "something crazy" should remember the important distinction between what they feel and what they do. Even when they feel crazy, they don't have to act crazy; even if they feel out of control, they don'( have to act that way. In fact, behavioral therapists believe that it is possible to change feelings by changing the thoughts or actions associated with them.

People don't always realize, or want to admit, that they have a wide range of response options in a jealousy situation. As evidenced earlier, they can show their partners how important the relationship is to them; they can get out of the situation or the relationship; they can ignore what is going on; they can show their partners how much they are suffering; they can laugh it off; they can make a scandal; or they can talk to their partner about their feelings and wishes.

The Behavioral Approach to Jealousy

The focus of the behavioral approach, as its name implies, is on observable behavior.7 Unlike the psychodynamic approach and like the systems approach, the behavioral approach has no interest in the unconscious. Behaviorists assume that the causes for, and solutions to, a jealousy problem exist in the current environment, even if the jealousy-triggering event happened at another time and place. Behavior is the result of' learning and psychological problems are always the result of inappropriate learning.

Like writers who advocate open marriages, behaviorists disagree with sociobiologists' view that jealousy is natural, instinctive, and inevitable. They believe, instead, that it is learned. And since jealousy is learned, behaviorists maintain, it can also be unlearned and a new (and better) response can replace it.8

Behavioral therapists define a problem exactly the way the person who comes for treatment defines it. They do not assume that the therapist knows the "real" problem better than the person experiencing it. The treatment goal is to help the person change inappropriate responses and dysfunctional habits by unlearning them and replacing them with more appropriate responses. Treatment can accommodate either an individual or a couple.

According to behaviorists, in every interaction people try to get as many rewards as they can for the lowest possible cost. In couple therapy, couples are taught to negotiate contracts that enable each partner to get more rewards from the other. The only cost is doing something the other wants.

Desensitization is one of the behavioral techniques that can be used to treat jealousy.9 The process comprises several steps. First, the person is asked to make a list of the things that trigger jealousy and rank them according to the degree of jealousy they create. Second, the person is taught progressive relaxation by learning to relax different parts of the body. Third, the person is trained to remain relaxed while imagining different items on the list, starting with the item at the bottom of the list, the one that triggers the least jealousy. Once the person is able to think about this item and remain relaxed, the next item on the list is introduced. If the person cannot remain relaxed while imagining it, the instruction is to return to the relaxation exercises and then try again. This way, the person can gradu- all)' learn to confront the triggers that produce the most extreme jealousy, and remain calm.

In jealousy workshops I use a variation of this exercise, which involves people revisiting their most intense experience of jealousy. I ask participants to lie down on the floor (if that is possible) and make themselves as comfortable as possible. Next I ask them to imagine themselves in their favorite place (it can be inside or outdoors); the day is sunny and they are relaxed and happy. A deep breath is bringing calm and comfort to every cell in their body. As they exhale, they imagine all feelings of discomfort, tension, and pain leaving their body. They concentrate on relaxing each part of their body separately, starting with the toes and moving up slowly to the face and head, until they feel completely relaxed.

When total relaxation is achieved, I ask them to (lip through the pages of their personal history book until they reach the incident that triggered their most extreme jealousy and try and remember as many details as they can about this incident. (Who were the people involved? How did they look? What exactly happened? When? Where? What did they do in response?) When they have an urge to escape the pain, the rage, the panic, I ask then instead to let these difficult feelings flood them, stay with the pain for a minute, then take a deep breath, slowly bring their mind back to the present, and sit up. After sitting up they write clown as many details of their experience as they can remember and tell three other workshop participants about it. For a behavioral therapist, accumulating such details is an essential step of treatment.

The second part of this exercise starts the same way as the first, with participants lying on the floor and imagining they are in their favorite place (a beautiful sandy beach or next to a cool stream in the forest). As they imagine lying there, the sun warming them gently, the wonderful feeling of' relaxation is hack. But, this time, they arc asked to imagine that the sun is not only warming them, but also energizing and empowering them with its rays. They are strong and in control. Time has passed since they experienced their most intense jealousy, and during that time they have learned more about themselves and about their relationships. They are wiser, more experienced, and more powerful now. When they feel their inner power and wisdom, they are instructed to hold on to them (IS they would to a shield, a magic weapon.

Now they are ready to go back in time and revisit their most intense experience of jealousy. I ask them to imagine that they have been given a chance to go back to that incident and relive it any way they want-remembering that now they are armed with wisdom, experience, and power. What do they choose to do? How do they respond this time? Is it the same way they responded originally; because the experience taught them so much, despite the pain? Or differently, the way they have wished so many times they had responded-cool, gracious, in complete control of themselves and of the situation?

After workshop participants have completed the guided imagery, they are given a chance to discuss their experiences and share insights they have gained. People who do the exercise on their own can write down both their experiences and their insights.

People who respond differently when revisiting the site of their most extreme jealousy need to understand that the ability to respond in this new way is within them. The feelings of empowerment, of experience, wisdom, control, are a part of' them that they can call up at any time, even if it requires greater effort in times of stress. The next exercise can prove this.

In this exercise people are asked to take a sheet of paper and fold it lengthwise, then write the letter A on top of one side, and B on top of the other side. Recalling the thoughts that ran through their head during the first (traumatic) part of the exercise, they are asked to list as many of these thoughts as they remember on the side of the paper labeled A. Next, they are asked to recall their thoughts during the second part of the exercise, and write as many of them as they can remember on the side of paper labeled B. When they can unfold the paper, they compare the two columns. For example: