“It really wasn’t intended to be.” Liam’s voice was tinder dry. “You’re quite the pain slut, aren’t you, Jay?”
Jay bit his lip, hard enough that the flesh around his teeth went white. Austin supposed that was answer enough, even without Jay’s murmured, “Yes, Sir,” a moment later.
“I’m not complaining,” Liam told him. He drummed his fingers against his thigh, his gaze turned inward. Austin could almost see Liam fitting pieces of a different puzzle together, but what picture was on the box?
Liam said slowly, “What would help would be for us to live together. Here, obviously, since I have the room. I should’ve suggested it before, I suppose. It’s just such a big step, and there’re issues above and beyond how we’d feel about it. It would raise eyebrows. Risk what we have being exposed with some potentially nasty fallout. I’m not against the idea, but I’d need to think about it. We all would.”
“I’d love it,” Austin said immediately, but he noticed Jay’s face was screwed up in thought.
Liam nodded, his gaze going to Jay, who stayed silent. “Well, it’s there to think about. Sleep on it. Discuss it between yourselves. I want you both to know that I’m committed to what we have. I’m not breaking up with you. Do you hear me? Austin? We’ll sort this out. It may take some time, that’s all.”
To Austin it sounded like an empty promise. Oh, he thought Liam meant it, but it was the kind of thing where in the long run nothing would change. But saying that would be pretty much the worst thing he could do, so he needed to lie in a convincing manner. He could do that. Maybe not to Jay, but to Liam? When it was for the best? “I hear you. I know it’s complicated.”
Liam didn’t look particularly convinced, but maybe he needed to pretend everything would be okay the same way Austin did. “All right. Good. Jay?”
“I know,” Jay said easily. “I trust you.”
“Then can we please get some sleep?” Liam asked and gestured at both of them to lie down. “I really do better work when I’m not exhausted.”
As Austin settled back on the pillows and draped an arm over Jay, who snuggled up to him, he felt that he was facing a night of staring at the ceiling.
Chapter Four
Jay closed the browser page with a click, his hand shaking on the mouse. That had been…extreme. Way beyond anything he was into. Suspensions where he was held by ropes were one thing; he loved the idea of hanging, blindfolded, a whip lashing his skin, but flesh hooks left his stomach twisted with queasy fascination.
He put his hand over his dick, poking up from his loosely tied robe, and squeezed it. “Down, boy,” he murmured. “No fucking way Liam would go for that.”
He wasn’t sure he’d even ask for it—but a small, secret part of him wanted to. The pain would be out of this world.
Tightening his grip, he worked his cock until clear beads of fluid studded the tip, then took his hand away, groaning at how good it felt to jerk off and how much better it was to stop and feel the grinding ache in his balls.
“Pain slut,” he whispered with a grin. Liam had nailed that one. He pinched the tender skin under his balls, taut now because he was so aroused, and twisted his fingers sharply, the dull throb of bruised skin almost enough to trigger a forbidden climax.
Unlike Austin, Jay didn’t get a thrill from obeying Liam’s rules. Being forced to obey them, though, yeah. That was a rush. Knowing without any doubt that if he screwed up, Liam would discipline him left Jay feeling safe. Liam—stern, merciless, fiendishly imaginative at dreaming up punishments, and totally trustworthy—provided the structure Jay needed to take risks and push himself. He’d loved Patrick, but Liam was…Liam.
Now he really had to think of something boring or at least less sexy, or he wasn’t going to be able to hold off from doing something that would end in him coming. He opened up a site selling diorama supplies and lost himself in his beloved hobby until his erection had subsided.
Then he found himself back on the sites with all the naked, whipped flesh, with men whose contorted, pain-twisted faces didn’t hide the joy in their tear-wet eyes, and he was clicking, going deeper, glutting himself on possibilities, so many torments to try…
“Wow,” Austin’s voice said suddenly in his ear. Jay flinched, startled into a yelp. “Sorry! I thought you heard me come in.”
“I guess I was distracted,” Jay said.
“I can see why. Please tell me you didn’t come.” Austin set their cups of coffee on the table.
They had plans with Liam that night, and Austin was wound so tight Jay was surprised he wasn’t vibrating. He hadn’t been sleeping much, either, if the pristine state of the apartment was any indication. When Austin couldn’t sleep, he cleaned, and when he cleaned, he created interesting piles of Jay’s books and other clutter. It was like weird, sleep-deprived, found-object art.
“I didn’t. Tempting, but no.” Jay wouldn’t have risked Austin missing out on tonight. Austin needed it too much, and watching Jay take well-deserved punishment for breaking the rules wouldn’t have been much fun.
“What’s that?” Austin pointed at the computer screen as he pulled a chair closer so he could sit. He set the paper bag of doughnuts in front of him.
“Fire flogging,” Jay said and clicked the Play arrow on the video window.
“Looks intense.”
Jay thought it looked perfect. The room in the video had been darkened, so the flames were visible, if only faintly. The thought of being the sub in a scene like that made every cell in Jay’s body sing. He
wanted
it. “Yeah. You think Liam would be up for it?”
“I think you’d have to ask him.” That seemed like the end of the conversation as far as Austin was concerned; he got up and rummaged in the paper bag for his blueberry muffin and then left the bag for Jay. “I need sugar.”
“And I need to get dressed. Shower’s all yours when you want it.” Jay couldn’t quite click away from the site, though. He read up on the basics of fire play, skipping through the safety instructions, most of which were basic common sense. It sounded potentially dangerous, yes, but not in the right hands, and Liam’s hands were strong and sure, always.
Then he found another video to watch, and he was lost in envy of the sub tied down in the dim room, waiting for the crack and sizzle of heat to sear his skin.
The way the flames trailed through the air… The way they’d feel, kissing his skin like a dragon’s breath, and then the slash of the whip itself…
He was so hard he was panting, each breath shuddering through him.
“Jay! For God’s sake.” Austin wrenched the mouse from Jay’s hand and turned the monitor off with an angry stab of his finger. “Look, you can ask Liam about it if he’s in a good mood. Hell, show him this site, but until then, just…just don’t, okay?”
Guilt pierced Jay. “Okay. You’re right. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry.” Austin was dressed, still-damp hair neatly combed back, and Jay was sitting there with an erection and no idea how much time had passed. “Let’s do something, okay? Can we? A movie?”
“Sure. Whatever you want.” It was probably a good sign that Austin wanted to get out of the house instead of spending more time cleaning. “Pick something, and I’ll go get dressed.”
Austin decided on an action movie and fell asleep on Jay’s shoulder twenty minutes in. It would have been cute if it hadn’t been a sign of how messed up his mind had to be. Jay hoped Liam would be able to come up with an idea that got things moving in the right direction again, because this sucked. Jay was an optimist by nature, though, and he was firm in his belief that things would all work out in the end.
“Oh my God, why didn’t you wake me up?” Austin groaned when he finally stirred and remembered where they were. The lights had just come up, and the last of the moviegoers were shuffling toward the exit.
“One, I thought you needed the sleep,” Jay told him. “Two, you didn’t miss much. It was good but not great. We can always get it when it comes out on DVD.”
“Was I snoring?” Austin looked embarrassed.
“No. And if you had been, it would have been adorable, so stop worrying about everything.” Jay tugged him to his feet and kissed him, then wrapped an arm around his waist.
“I can’t help it.” Spotting an empty cup abandoned on the carpet, Austin bent down and picked it up. “People are disgusting. Like it’s that much trouble to carry your own trash twenty feet to the barrel?”
“I know,” Jay agreed. “You should see the things people use as bookmarks in library books. Used tissues. Cigarette stubs. A freaking piece of spaghetti once. Cooked. I’ve found old books with dried flowers, embroidered silk bookmarks, pieces of ribbon…like messages from the past, you know? They were great. When did people get so gross?”
“Beats me.”
They made their way out to the parking lot, the early-evening October air crisp and smelling faintly of dying leaves and smoke, even here in the center of town. Jay sniffed, drawing it deeply into his lungs. “Someone’s having a bonfire.”
“Planning on going there and jumping on it?”
Jay gave Austin a surprised look. “If this is about earlier…”
“It is, and it’s not.” Austin took Jay’s hand. “Sorry. You know I’m jittery right now. I just want Liam to mention us moving in, and he hasn’t.”
“He’s thinking. And you gave him plenty to think about.” Jay couldn’t remember where they’d parked, but Austin was heading toward a row of cars, so he followed him, their hands still linked. “Me too.”
Austin drew his hand away and paused next to a minivan gleaming from a recent wash. Jay couldn’t remember the last time he’d washed his Bug. It probably needed it. It always needed it.
“I’m sorry.”
“You said that already.” Jay wanted to lean against something, but he guessed the minivan would blare out an alarm. “I don’t need an apology. I wanted to hear what you had to say. I just don’t think you realized what you were asking for.”
“Huh?”
“You want us to move in with Liam.” Jay scratched his nose. “That’s…that’s big. And so is his freaking house. Is there room for us? Yeah. Do I want to live in the Ice Palace? I don’t know.”
“It might be good for you to have a reason to keep things a little bit neater,” Austin said. “No, I don’t mean it like that! I love how you are.”
“Yeah, I can tell by all the complaining.” Jay was kidding—Austin hardly ever complained about the clutter in their apartment unless he tripped over something. “I don’t think Liam would be very understanding about me needing to have my space be somewhere I can relax. It’s hard to relax at his house.”
“I guess you’re right—not about the relaxing, which you know I can do at his place. So you don’t want to move in? And maybe Liam doesn’t want it either, no matter what he said.” Austin looked dismayed. “Shit. I’m so stupid.”
“Cut it out.” Jay wrapped both arms around Austin and hugged him tightly. “You’re not stupid. We’re just dealing with stuff. Liam promised he’d figure it out.”
“I know. God, you smell good.” Austin nuzzled Jay’s hair and the edge of his ear. Jay felt his body react to the attention and groaned with frustration.
“Let’s get a sandwich,” he offered, because standing in the middle of a parking lot with a hard-on wasn’t his idea of a good time. Okay,
sometimes
it was. “We’re near that place with the Caesar wraps you like.”
“Okay.” It was gratifying that Austin only pulled away reluctantly. “I’m not really hungry, but it’ll be better if I eat.”
“Yeah. If you pass out again, I think Liam’s going to put a cushion over your ass before he spanks you, and that’s not going to be much fun for him.”
He didn’t mean it seriously, but Austin’s expression went from smiling to stricken.
“What? Why would he…” Austin shook his head, then stepped close again, poking Jay’s chest with a finger. “I had a fucking panic attack, yes. It doesn’t mean I can’t take whatever he dishes out. I’m just sick of us being separate when we should be together, that’s all.”
“Calm down,” Jay said, trying to capture Austin for a hug. It wasn’t happening. Every time his hands landed on Austin’s arms or shoulder, Austin shrugged him off, his mouth tight, his face with the washed-out, skimmed-milk tinge to it that Jay knew meant Austin was worked up. “I was joking, okay? Joking. And I want to see more of him too. I’m just not sure how we can do it without losing what we have. You and me. Our place. Our mess. Going to bed when we want and eating junk food at three in the morning.”
Austin went still, his hands by his sides. “You’re scared,” he said flatly. “I might not want to take it as far as you do when it comes to pain, but I’m willing to take a chance on moving in with him. Yeah, it’ll change our lives. It’s
supposed
to!”
“I know. And you know I’m on your side, if there are sides. I’m not scared of change. I just… I like our life, okay? In a perfect world I want to keep what we already have and just add more Liam. I’m the one who’s selfish, I guess.” It was cheating to say that, a little bit, because he knew Austin’s reaction would be to deny it.
He was right. “You’re not,” Austin said and rubbed a hand over his face.
Jay immediately felt guilty; cheating so he could come out on top wasn’t fair, but he couldn’t help but think that Austin was getting way more worked up about all this than he should. Things were good with Liam. Why find fault where there wasn’t any? “You haven’t been getting enough sleep.”
“True.”
“Well, we can’t do anything about that now. But we can get some food into you, and a couple of glasses of water. That will help.” When life got rough, it was important to focus on the basics. A well-fed, well-hydrated Austin was always more fun to be around. “And we’ve got to get you caught up on your sleep. Then everything won’t seem so disastrous.”
“Yeah.” Austin sighed, visibly giving in. “You’re right.”
A quick meal did a lot to improve Austin’s mood, so that by the time they pulled into Liam’s driveway that evening, Jay had relaxed. It wasn’t until the front door closed behind them that the tension Austin had been exhibiting for days reappeared in his posture and the set of his jaw.
Liam saw it too, a wariness in his eyes that made Jay’s stomach clench as he took off his shoes and slipped out of his coat. Austin did the same, grabbing Jay’s coat from him without a word and hanging both coats in the small hall closet.