Rough [02] - Roughhousing (19 page)

"You need to go take a nap.” Macy nodded wisely, wide-eyed. “Or a bubble bath, even. That's what I do when I'm not feeling up to anything much."

"Yeah, that sounds nice. But maybe I'll make it a long, hot shower instead."

"You want some company? I promise not to come on to you.” Her lips pursed and she nodded solemnly. “I think a committed relationship between two people is sacred."

"Thanks anyway, Macy, but I think I'll just call it a night. See you later.” He turned away and walked to his own door. Just as he slid the key into the lock, a shriek followed by several dull, ominous thuds literally shook the Ellwood's door.

Looking back at Macy, James asked, “Do they do that all day or do they wait for me?"

Macy shrugged. “No, it's like this most evenings after dinner. I'm just glad I go to dance at the club in a couple of hours."

James dropped his head against his door, debating whether to do something or not. He was saved from having to make any decision when Macy called out. “Go to bed. I'll call the police. I haven't seen that cute, little Sergeant Barclay in weeks.” She smiled broadly and winked at James. “He works Tuesdays!"

Macy disappeared into her apartment and James did the same. Even Kitty's high-pitched cry of distress didn't melt his resolve to let the police deal with it this time. He had more pressing issues to think about than the Ellwood's domestic battles. He had his own domestic problem to work on.

Or maybe he didn't. How could Bram ever want to even see him again after accusing the man of interfering with his job at Dunn and Piper the same way he'd jumped to conclusions about Bram interfering with his problem with Williams at his old place?

That had been bad enough, but thinking Bram had used his influence to secure a project for James was even more insulting than mistakenly accusing him of bullying a man who had tried to sexually assault James. James had thought it an act of over-protectiveness that fit Bram's caveman behavior, but this was an insult to the man's integrity and pride. One he didn't deserve.

A sharp bang and a deep-voiced bellow came from next door. The crash of metal hit the wall, bouncing off to clang again and again. James could visualize the entire fight in his head, calling up old childhood memories of fear and isolation.

James kicked off his shoes, pulled his shirt from the waistband of his slacks, and dropped onto the couch. He covered his eyes with one arm, not caring if his shirt caught on the edges of his scabs and sutures. He barely noticed the stinging jabs, too overwhelmed by the crushing pain in his chest. The sense of being totally alone was so intense he could barely stand it. His headache was a dull throb, but his stomach churned and flipped as each new guilty thought occurred to him.

Everything else in his life was so measured and controlled, why did impulse have to take over when trust became a question between them? Christ, was he ever going to realize that Bram was different from other people in his past life?

Not that it was going to do him any good now. He moved his arm to stare at the phone, wanting desperately to use it, but terrified that Bram wouldn't answer, or worse, would hang up on him. He seemed like he was always apologizing to Bram for something.

He knew the other man had probably reached his limit of tolerance with him and his rash accusations. He'd undoubtedly driven the man away, like James knew he would. Like he always did. He just couldn't keep people in his life, especially people he loved. They all stopped loving him in time. If his own parents could stop caring after twenty-one years, what chance did he have at keeping the love of a man he only been seeing for a couple of months? He knew the answer to that. None.

Another series of muffled noises filtered through the wall. James rolled over, pulled a throw pillow over his exposed ear, and buried his face between the cushions of the couch, blocking out the world. He lay like that for several moments, trying to push the insistent pounding out of his head, but the noise just got louder and louder until he realized it was coming from his front door and not next door.

It had to be Macy checking on him. James groaned, threw the pillow on the other end of the couch, and pushed himself wearily to his feet. He didn't think he was up to more silly chatter, but Macy was being a friend and James didn't have many of those. He sighed, yanked open the door, and stepped back, stunned, looking right into Bram's determined, icy gaze.

Chapter Fourteen

"Ah, hi.” James knew he was giving Bram a wide-eyed, deer-in-the-headlights kind of stare, but he couldn't help it. He was stunned the man was at his doorstep. He'd been sure he'd never see Bram again. He hung onto the door handle for support, holding the wooden surface between them like a shield for his heart.

An uncomfortable silence settled between them as they stared at each other until Bram pressed his lips into a thin line and asked, “Can I come in?"

"What?” James swallowed past the lump in his throat and backed up a few steps to widen the entrance. “Oh, yeah, sure. I ... I just didn't think you'd want to.” From the corner of his eye James caught Macy watching them from her cracked open apartment door. She waved and shimmied out into the hall, but only stood there and watched them. There was another thud and bellow from the Ellwood's apartment. James ignored it. His gaze darted back to Bram's confused expression.

"Wouldn't want to what? Come in?"

Dropping his gaze, James admitted, “No, see me.” James stepped completely away from the door as Bram entered the room and shut the door behind him.

James suddenly felt trapped. His anxiety level rocketed and his headache danced to life at the edges of his consciousness, doing a slow waltz around his words, making it hard to concentrate. It was too soon for him to have to talk about this. He knew he couldn't keep his emotions in check yet. He might actually say how he really felt if forced to talk before he worked out a reasonable excuse for it all. He paced a small line back and forth a few feet from Bram.

"I think we need to talk.” Bram drew in a deep breath and gestured at the half-unpacked mess in the room. “And this is the best place because you can't go storming off. I might actually get a chance to say something.” Bram's gaze was piercing, biting right through to James’ heart, making him embarrassed for his earlier incorrect accusations all over again.

Cheeks flaming, James stopped pacing long enough to gnaw at his lip and ask, “So ... you want to talk?"

Bram crossed his arms over his chest. “Oh, yeah.” His voice was low and rough. His icy blue stare made James squirm.

The corner of his lower lip still held tightly between his teeth, James muttered, “You pissed off?"

"Oh, I'm plenty pissed."

Bram took a step closer to James, invading his personal space. James didn't even notice. Bram's size had never intimidated him since the first night. It wasn't Bram's physical strength that he was afraid of.

"You have every right to be. I understand not wanting to see me again.” James backed away.

"
You
don't get to decide that for me.” Bram moved forward until he was even closer than before, stopping James from retreating farther away.

Panicked gaze darting from Bram's face to floor to couch and back again, James nodded. “Okay. Sorry.” That trapped feeling was making James tremble ever so slightly.

"You should be. I swear Jamie, getting you to trust me is like trying to peel an onion.. If you don't work fast enough, a new layer grows back before you get a chance to dig out the core.” Bram planted his hands on his hips and snorted in disgust.

Panic exploded in his chest. Tears burned in his eyes and James’ heart pounded under his rib cage. His voice rose and his words tumbled out in a rapid-fire jumble. “I
told
you life with me wouldn't be easy. I
knew
this was a long shot. I knew you'd see it wouldn't work soon enough, that I mess everything up eventually. It's the way it always works. I fuck it up! I always do something to fuck it up. Nobody can stand to love me for too long!” James turned away.

"Stop."

"No!” James batted away Bram's reaching hands.

"I said, stop!” Voice loud and commanding, Bram grabbed James by the upper arms and turned James back to face him. “Just stop and listen.” When James complied, he loosened his grip, sliding his hands down to cradle James’ elbows as the smaller man hugged his arms tightly to his own chest. There was a thud against the far wall that both men ignored.

James trembled, headache barely at bay, but uncertainty making him anxious. He summoned his courage, preparing for the worst. He felt himself cringe, but managed to look Bram in the eye. Rejection was never easy for him. He just hoped he could hold it together until Bram left. They always left after they said their piece.

Bram squeezed James’ arms and his expression went hard again. “It's my turn to talk now. You had your say in my office earlier. When I wanted to show you the pictures I found of my parents and the Dunns. Yeah, that's the reason I called your boss today, to make arrangements to share the photos with his wife. Not to interfere or influence your job."

James knew this was the part where Bram said ‘it's been nice, but so long, you're too fucked up for me’ and went on his way. He blinked back the sting of unshed tears and waited. He watched as Bram's gaze searched his face. He blinked harder.

"Digging out a wart is painful and messy until you get to the core.” Bram gave a small, lopsided smile and rubbed his thumbs over James’ arms, a tiny, comforting gesture. His voiced dropped lower. James started when Bram winked and added, “This is just some of the messy part.

"What?” A glimmer of confused hope crept into James’ voice.
What was Bram saying?

"I'm not taking responsibility for your lack of trust in me. But I had a hand in this, too. Not in getting you the project, but in pushing you about it.” He sighed and squeezed James’ arms. “After you stormed out of my office, and I got over wanting to wring your arrogant little neck, I thought about it for a while. I could see where you might have gotten the wrong idea about things."

"This was all my fault. I know that.” James gritted his teeth, grinding out his words as if making them rough and grating would help make Bram understand. It made his bruised jaw ache. “It always is.” He tried to pull away, but Bram held on.

Bram stayed and he kept talking, but his clipped, deep voice began to reflect a lot of frustration. “Slow down, Jamie, and listen for Christ's sake!"

Blinking back his surprise, James pushed down on his panic and tried to focus on what Bram was saying. “Okay, I'm listening."

"I was pushing you to show your work to Dunn. But that's only because it's good, solid work the project team needs to see. I should have let you handle things with your own job. But I hated seeing your hard work go unnoticed and unrewarded and it irked me from an engineer's point of view to think a building plan wasn't getting the best it could have.” Bram sighed, a slightly contrite expression on his face. “I'm sorry I pushed you. I should have respected your judgment and let you handle it alone."

There was that all-important word ‘alone'. James didn't know how to respond, so he didn't. He just watched, heart pounding and palms sweaty, waiting. How long would it take before Bram finished and walked away? James had said he wanted to be left alone. It was only a matter of time before Bram granted his wish. He felt sick again.

"But it isn't just that, Jamie."

James could hear the hurt in Bram's voice. He felt the sting of tears burn his eyes.

"I'd have expected you to trust me enough to come and ask me about it, not jump straight to condemning me. Especially after Williams. What's it going to take to make you see I'm not trying to run your life, Jamie?"

His voice sounded so sincere James wanted to cry. But he still didn't understand. “I ... I know I'm selfish and it sounds childish, but you're going to realize pretty soon that it's not worth all this effort.

Bram's tone was deadly serious. “You aren't, or we aren't worth it?"

Despite his best efforts, tears were falling fast and furiously now. James’ frustration built. “Me. I'm not. I can't do this.” He grabbed the front of Bram's shirt in both fists and held on, a direct contradiction to his intent to break up with the man. “I don't know how."

Bram's gaze softened, but his tone was still firm. “You can start by not walking away from me. That isn't the way to deal with any problem we have.” He slid his hands up to James’ shoulders and lightly shook the man, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

James jerked his head up and looked Bram in the eye, confused and uncertain. “You can't still want me, Bram."

Stare darkening again, Bram quietly said, “You can't tell me what I want, Jamie."

"You don't understand!” He released Bram's shirt and pulled out of the man's grip.

Bram let him go, standing calmly, watching James pace and twirl rapidly around the room, hands flying as he talked.

"It's more than just trust. It's me, the whole package. I'm too much work, too many hang-ups.” James ran his hands through his curls, yanking at them, before dropping his arms to his sides only to raise them again and push at the air with his hands as he talked at high speed.

"I want to be an equal in your life. And you're the closest I'll ever get to having that, but today showed me another part of your life I haven't been thinking much about.” He stopped and gave Bram an awed look. “You manage to keep it all so separate. Your private life and your business world.” James shook his head, amazement in his voice. “You're a powerful, influential businessman, Bram. You deserve more in your life than a messed up, impulsive junior architect with a closet full of issues.” Tears trickled down his cheek unheeded. “You deserve a whole lot more."

Bram shook his head and sat down on the arm of the couch, arms crossed over his chest again. His face was calm and composed, his tone light, but determined. “Lucky for you, you're exactly what I want."

James instantly began pacing again. “You can't! I'm not worth the trouble! I'm a man even his own family can't love!” He choked on the words and had to take a few deep breaths before continuing. “I was meant to be alone.” He stuttered, voice low and defeated. He stared at the floor, afraid to see the disgust for him he was sure was on Bram's face. He wiped at his face with his hands, knocking away the latest stream of frustrated tears. “Let's just face it before we both get hurt any more. You should probably leave before I really fall apart."