Rules for Werewolves (23 page)

—We didn’t kill the maid, so stop crying.

—I’m going home.

—She
attacked
us
.

—She didn’t do anything.

—She was spying on us. She was watching the house. She was out to get us. Literally. She was sitting out there in her car watching, waiting for us to do something that would allow her to call the cops in a way that wouldn’t get her fired.

—
We
should call the cops. We should call 9-1-1. So they can come get her.

—We will. But first I have a surprise for you.

—No more surprises.

—Are you sure? This is a good one.

—What is it?

—One at a time I want you to run down to the basement and pick out something you like. I got the safe open.

—No way!

—Sorry, Anquille. You should have kept at it.

—Whoever got the combo to the safe was supposed to get a wish. That’s you, Malcolm.

—I know. I’ve been thinking about it.

—What’s in the safe?

—Guns, money, and paperwork. Pretty much everything that’s wrong with the world. I assume none of you want any paperwork. But everybody can go get one thing, either a gun or a handful of money. There’s cash or there’s gold coins. There’s more money than guns. But I think, on average, everybody’ll be happy.

—What are you going to wish for, Malcolm?

—This is a map of the neighborhood. This is where we are now. This is the old Baxters’ house and the Speedy Stop. And here’s the Peugeot house. I
wish
that everyone here would go down to the basement and find something he or she wants. Then I wish you would get the bag you packed and leave this house, take a random direction through the neighborhood, and meet me at midnight at the playground of the elementary school across the street from the Peugeot house.

—That’s at least two wishes.

—I know I’m not gonna get everything I want. But even if you’re not gonna go with us to the Peugeot house, if you didn’t like this little warmup we did on the maid, if you’re just gonna go home—still, I want you to go down to the safe and take something. Even you, Tom.

—Why “even me”? Why do I get singled out?

—Because you were faking it. You weren’t changing. Look at you. You’re just the same as you always were.

—I was the first one to get my hands on the maid.

—You probably thought she was one of us.

—I knew who it was. I heard Sting. I knew it was happening. I wasn’t faking. And, anyway,
you’re
the one who said I was changing.

—I was wrong. Take whatever you want and then go.

—To the Peugeot house?

—Just go take something. All of you. Whether you’re gonna meet us at the Peugeot house or not.

—You want us to take something because that way you can say we’re accessories to the crime.

—No, I want you to take something because that way you
can’t
say that I wasn’t a good tribal leader.

—There’s not going to be anything left for you.

—I already got my wish. I got to see what we all look like as pack.

—Come on.

—What about you, Malcolm?

—I’m gonna wait here until I’m sure you’re all out of the house and then I’m going to call 9-1-1 to come get our maid.

—You promise?

—She’s gonna be fine. Trust me.

—Which way you going, Anquille?

—That way.

—You’re not gonna go to the Peugeot house?

—Nope. What about you? You wanna come with me?

—Where to?

—I don’t know. I haven’t decided.

—I’m going to the Peugeot house. I changed for real.

—I guess so.

—Look over there. Under the streetlight.

—I don’t see anything.

—Wait.

—

—

—

—There.

—Who was that, Tom?

—I don’t know. I just love that we’re all out. Running through the neighborhood like dogs. It must look crazy from a helicopter. If you could see every single one of us going this way and that. Half of us weaving around randomly but slowly headed toward the same little
patch of grass by the school, and the other half of us drifting off into the city.

—Do you believe in God?

—I dunno. Who gives a shit? I guess a little.

—I was just thinking, because you said “helicopter,” who can see us all? The only answer is God.

—God didn’t see the maid. Leastways, he didn’t protect her.

—You think Malcolm really called 9-1-1?

—No. Do you?

—My full name is Anquille Alphonse Serron. I was raised Catholic, but now I think God is a werewolf. He’s good to us three hundred and fifty-something days out of the year. But twelve nights a year he changes into a monster and makes cancer, makes cars hit us, makes a bunch of kids attack a maid.

—Three hundred and fifty-three. That’s the number of days you were looking for, when there isn’t a full moon. But the moon’s on a twenty-eight-day thing, so there’s probably some years when there’s maybe thirteen full moons in a year.

—Malcolm’s like God. He feels bad about making us attack the maid so he gives us all a bunch of money.

—I guess that tells me what you took.

—You took a gun?

—It seemed cooler.

—You’re a fucking idiot, Tom.

—Yeah, I guess, but a gun can get money.

—You’re not gonna become a famous bank robber, so give it up.

—You give it up.

—Fuck you, Tom.

—Let me see how much money you took.

—The money was the better choice. I’m gonna be all right for at least a month.

—Unless God changes on you.

—I got two handfuls. Look.

—Why didn’t you take the gold? I bet a handful of gold is worth ten times more than a handful of money.

—Think about it, Tom. I can’t walk into a hotel tonight and give them
a piece of gold for a room. I can’t walk into a Speedy Stop and get beer with gold.

—Give it to me.

—Fuck you.

—Set it on the ground and run.

—You’re not gonna shoot me.

—You can set it on the ground and run, or you can just run, but I’m gonna shoot you if you don’t give me the money.

—Guess this is one of those moments when I’m about to find out if God’s moon is full for me or not.

—Anquille Alphonse Serron, you have until the count of three.

—All right.

—One.

—I’m ready.

—Two.

—Let’s do this.

—Three.

Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight. Gunshot.

—Did your dog get loose again?

—Yeah. How’d you guess? She’s running wild through the neighborhood. I need to get her before someone calls the pound.

—How does that happen? That it gets away from you so often?

—She’s an animal. You can only train her so much. She sits and she stays, but if she hears the right sound on the other side of the fence, or if the right smell wafts in through the window, then nature takes over.

—“Wafts,” huh?

—You gotta problem with my vocabulary?

—I’m just trying to figure you out.

—I can’t wait to read the report. I’m a little confused myself.

—Let’s talk about it. Tell me who you are.

—Why would I do that?

—Because you’re under arrest.

—For what?

—For running.

—I haven’t run yet.

—You’re about to.

—You been coppin’ a long time, huh? You know everything that’s about to happen? You’re some kinda prophecy cop? That would make a good TV show.

—I think they already have a show like that. And if they don’t—they will soon.

—Yeah. There’s nothing new under the sun.

—Your face is healing up pretty nice.

—You catch the guy who did it?

—Not yet. Not yet. I’ve been watching for someone wandering around the neighborhood, looking suspicious. But you’re the only one I find who fits the description. You seem jumpy.

—I am. I got this cop who’s been following me.

—You know, you could see this the whole other way. I could be a help to you. I could be your friend.

—Like an angel sent to stop me before I do something I’ll regret.

—Sure. If that’s what you need right now.

—You wanna see my fifty-dollar bill?

—I assume it’s gone. But I wasn’t going to hassle you about it.

—It’s in here somewhere. Let me see what I’ve got. Let’s see …

—That’s a lot of money you got there.

—Your bill is in this roll somewhere.

—Why don’t you put your hands on the hood of the car and let me count that money for you.

—Naw. You’re right. If you get out of the car I’m gonna run.

—All right. Just hang tight for a second. We’ll figure out a way to make this all work out.

—You seem good at memorizing addresses. Why don’t you put this one in your Rolodex: 67 Crestview Drive.

—Is that where you got that money?

—There’s a woman there who wants to see you.

—What did you do?

—I didn’t do anything.

—I’ve been seeing your friends running through the neighborhood all night. Looks like fifty or sixty kids. Did some of them attack this woman?

—What was that?

—That’s what a gunshot sounds like. Get in the back of the car.

—I’ve gotta go now.

—Don’t move. Don’t move.

—Don’t let the gunshot distract you. 67 Crestview Drive. That’s where you need go.

—I have to chase you.

—If you chase me, then a woman might die.

—Don’t do anything stupid.

—I have to run.

—I’m not talking about that anymore. Who’s this woman?

—I have to go now.

—Officer Greggs. If they catch you. If you get caught tonight, ask for me. Greggs.

—I can’t be caught.

—You’ll be surprised. There’s some fast guys on the force.

—I mean, I can’t be caught alive.

—It almost looks like they’re expecting us.

—The front door’s open. The curtains are drawn back. All the lights are on.

—I dare you to go inside.

—Just walk down the middle of the street, go straight up through the door, and yell, “Come out, come out, wherever you are.”

—Fuck that. Come around over here. Look. There’s a man in that chair.

—Is he watching TV?

—That’s what it looks like.

—That’s what it looks like, but watch him for a while.

Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch.

—What? I don’t see anything.

—That’s it. He never moves.

—You think he’s asleep?

—I think it looks like someone’s expecting us.

—You think Malcolm set this up as some kind of trap?

—Or Tom?

—Did you see that? A woman just walked by.

—She’s naked.

—Cool. Now I double dare you to go inside.

—Come over this way. Over to the other side where we can see her better.

—Is that Angel?

—Holy fuck. It is.

—What’s she doing?

—Listen, you can hear it …

—She’s clipping her nails.

—You can hear that from here?

—She’s standing over a sink, trimming her nails. That’s disgusting.

—Do you think the man watching TV knows she’s in the house?

—Did she pass through his room?

—She walked behind him.

—That’s creepy.

—Angel beat us to the Peugeot house.

—And it looks like she’s made friends with the Peugeot guy.

—Malcolm’s gonna be pissed off.

—Not if she’s already beat him into submission.

—Either way. If she made friends with the Peugeot guy that’s no good. That means she made friends with our enemies. But if she beat Malcolm to the punch, that means she’s stronger than Malcolm.

—It means she’s faster.

—It means there’s going to be a fight.

—Here comes Malcolm. Right down the middle of the street.

—They’re gonna fight.

—How do you know?

—He’s taking his clothes off, too.

—They’re both gonna die.

—I don’t know. Malcolm’s smart but Angel’s mean.

—When two werewolves fight they both die because every werewolf is the exact same strength and we can only fight to the death.

—But are you sure they’re both werewolves?

—I thought it was just a thing we said. Like being cool. You’re not literally cool. It’s what other people think about you.

—I think it’s real.

—I guess we’re about to find out.

—He’s at the doorway.

—Listen.

—Come in.

—How long have you been here?

—The whole fuckin’ time. This is the house of that dick Susan and I met at the party. He took out his keys at the party and I saw he had a Peugeot key chain. I thought, “lucky me. Maybe.” I thought, “I’m gonna make this guy my friend one way or another.”

—Where’s he now?

—In the other room. Watching TV.

—Are you drunk?

—I kinda try to stay that way.

—What’s he watching?

—That’s how I tamed him. It’s just a tape now. But when I did it, it was live and I made him watch it while I did it. You can see how surprised he is. Look.

—This isn’t what I had in mind, Angel.

—You wanted to scare him, didn’t you?

—I don’t know.

—This is what you told us all you wanted.

—I didn’t want this.

—Look at the video, he’s scared. He’s transforming and he’s watching it at the same time.

—I just wanted to scare him.

—What you
wanted
—I fucking
did
.

—I was going to make us a home.

—You and Tanya were going to settle down and treat us all like your kids.

—Tanya and I are gonna settle down and treat you however you act.

—She calls us all “baby.”

—That’s not how she means it.