Runaway Heart (A Game of Hearts #2) (24 page)

“But this… all of this is yours. Why not just up my pay and cover your shifts with another employee?” I asked, curious as to why he’d just give me half the pub.

“Is that the problem then? Ye won’t take it because I’m giving it to ye?” His eyebrows drew together as he watched me.

“I haven’t earned it. If you really want me to be half owner, I want to be able to pay for it.” I pushed the paper back toward him. I wasn’t going to be a charity case. If he really wanted me to be part owner, then I’d work for it. Pay for it.

Charlie pulled the paper back toward him. “Ye have your wallet?”

“Yeah.” I dug into my back pocket and pulled my wallet out.

“Got a twenty-pound note on ye?”

I screwed my face up at him. “Why?”

“Do ye?” he asked again.

I opened my wallet, fished out the twenty, and held it up. “Happy?”

Charlie gave me a smug smile. “I will be when ye hand it over, arsehole.”

I handed it to him, and then opened my mouth to ask him what the hell he needed my twenty for as he picked up the pen, signed the paper in front of him with a flourish, and then dropped the pen on the paper.

He shoved himself up from the chair and pulled out his wallet, the twenty disappearing inside it.

“Believe me, Ed, ye earned every bit of your half. Ye work more than I do, and you get paid shit for doing it. And, you’re my best mate. I trust ye. I know ye’ll take care of this place when I’m away. I’ve accepted the payment. Now, sign the paper so I can make a copy of it for ye.” Charlie pushed the paper across the table.

He left me sitting at the table, gaping at him.

“Sign it!” he bellowed just before he walked into his office.

I picked up the pen, feeling more settled in my life than I’d ever felt. It was a new beginning. A fresh start for myself. Something that would ensure my life was where it needed to be for Hannah.

I signed my name, feeling a rush of something I couldn’t explain spread through me.

As I grabbed the paper and stood, my phone rang.

Hannah’s name flashed across the screen.

All was right in the world again.

THE UNIVERSE HAS DESERTED ME.

It had to have between the layovers and the giant snowstorm that decided it would be a good time to flourish when I was trying to make my way back home.

Then there was the phone call.

The one from my mother.

The one I missed because my phone died during one of my three layovers due to my lost phone charger.

She said she needed to talk to me. That was it. No reason why. No
I love you
. Just that she wanted to talk.

It was nearly two days after I left England when I made it back to my apartment. Exhaustion took on a whole new definition, and I feared the kink in my neck from sleeping in chairs might not ever find release.

But I promised him I’d call.

The phone barely rang when his voice answered the phone.

“Hannah? Is everything okay?”

“Hey,” I breathed out in relief, feeling like I’d only just taken my first real breath since I left him.

“Hey,” he replied, a little calmer. I heard the noise of the pub in the background begin to fade away, and I imagined him walking toward the back. Imagined his tall, lean form hunched over when the cold would surely strike him as he stepped outside for privacy.

“I’m sorry it’s taken me so long. I’ve had the worst luck since I left. It’s like the universe is handing me my ass for walking away from you.” I attempted a laugh.

It didn’t feel real.

“What happened?” he asked, his voice clear and intent.

“I ended up having three layovers, and I misplaced my phone charger somehow. Your number was in my phone, so I had no way to call you. And then there’s this huge storm that’s making traveling nearly impossible.”

I paused to take a deep breath as I lay back against my pillow, trying to find a comfortable position that eased the ache in my neck. “I have to admit. There was a moment I thought I might not make it home.”

“I’m sorry ye went through that, Hannah.” His voice was quiet.

“It’s not so bad. The girls kept me company when they weren’t wasted or sleeping. But anyway, enough about me. How are you?”

“I’m good. Really good, actually.” He inhaled, sounding far more together than I felt.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Charlie sold me half the pub.”

My eyes popped open as my chest felt lighter. “No way!”

“Yeah. Crazy, right? He’s a complete nutter, but I have to say, I’m glad for it. I didn’t realize I’d even want something like this until he handed it to me.”

“That’s awesome, Ed. You deserve it, and you’ll be good at it so long as you don’t sell your customers that God-awful orange liqueur.” I giggled as the memories danced around in my head.

He laughed too, and then silence filled the air between us. I heard the wispy hum of air passing through our lips as we both danced around what we really wanted to say. Around all the things we promised we wouldn’t say to each other.

“I miss you already. Is that crazy to say?” He sounded like he might be holding his breath.

I bit my lip. Rolled to my side, wishing it was him I was looking at and not the empty space. “No,” I admitted, feeling somewhat safe in the dimming light of the afternoon.

He sighed heavily into the phone, his voice coming through clearer. “It’s weird thinking ye’re so far away. I had grown accustomed to being able to see ye whenever I fancied.”

“I know.” I covered my face with my hand. Saw his lips and his eyes.

More silence. The heavy kind of silence.

I knew he wanted to ask me what I was thinking. If I was coming back. But I also knew he wouldn’t ask because he was that kind of person. He was the kind that gave unconditionally. The kind that would let me have the space I needed.

I didn’t deserve him.

“I’m glad ye called, Hannah,” he said, breaking the silence first. Trying to be strong for the both of us.

I swallowed hard, reminding myself how to breathe normally. “I told you I would.” My voice was achingly brittle.

“Talk soon?”

There was a sadness in his voice… an understanding that somehow crept up in between us.

“Absolutely,” I replied, my voice as thin as smoke. My heart crossing its fingers.

Another moment of silence.

“Until then, love,” he said, and then we hung up.

THE NEW YEAR CAME AND went, and I busied myself with busing tables for a newer, crappier restaurant. The business card the lady gave me during the world cup stayed pinned to the corkboard that held all my important information.

Along with the three messages she left asking me to come and talk with her some more.

Messages I had yet to return.

I didn’t want to be a face. Just a face.

I wanted to be me, and I was working on trying to figure out just who that person was. A jammer? A waitress? A woman unafraid to love?

January gave way to February and, before I knew it, the signs of spring were hard to miss. A budding leaf. The air warming. Tulips poking up from the occasional flowerbed. Everything was waking up, coming back to life.

Everything but me.

It had been almost three weeks since I last talked to Ed. Since I last heard the hurt buried beneath the questions he bombarded me with about how my life was going.

We both knew the inevitable had finally caught up to us and, after that, the phone calls dwindled, until, one day, I just stopped calling.

I knew he wouldn’t be the one to make the next move, and it only made it that much easier to ignore the pain ripping my heart in half. I knew it was a cop out. It was a shitty move on my part, but running was what I did best—what I was good at.

And I really thought I was doing it for all the right reasons.

I couldn’t drag him along. Couldn’t keep talking to him, ripping our wounds open day after day, knowing I’d never be enough for him. Knowing I didn’t know how to fix myself so I
could
be enough for him.

Because, no matter what, the rain still brought on the fear. The silence still made me uneasy. And the pain still lingered every time I looked in the mirror and saw my mother.

What if I ended up like her? What if I went to Ed, and then he realized I wasn’t right for him? Realized I was weak on the inside. That I was still that scared little girl hidden under her bed every time it stormed.

Every time he struck.

The only way I could avoid thinking like that was by burying myself nose-deep in work. In scattered classes I rarely showed up for, because I was too busy trying to fall back asleep so I could stay inside my dreams of Ed and me inside our tiny tent.

I couldn’t tell you how many days I spent like that. I could only count the empty takeout boxes on my kitchen counter. The number of unreturned messages I had on Facebook and on my phone from my friends and Jack. And the pile of unwashed clothing towering in the corner.

That was how I measured my time stuck in between.

I couldn’t pick a major. Couldn’t choose a career path I wanted to walk. I made it to the top of roller derby, and even that didn’t feel like enough. Didn’t make me feel whole.

I just wished the thing that did, the short glimpse of it I had with Ed, didn’t have to be the one thing I was most afraid of.

Irrevocable love.

If it hadn’t have been for Maggie calling me, telling me she was on her way to see me, then I might not have ever come up for air again. I might have just sewn myself to the mattress and prayed for sleep to come so I could see his face again.

I didn’t have to say anything the moment she knocked on my door and I pulled it open. She read it on my face, and we fell into each other’s arms.

I knew I was completely gone when it didn’t take me but seconds to tell her all about Ed and how I managed to screw things up like always.

“You didn’t tell me,” she said, sounding slightly hurt, but more concerned.

I tucked my face in the strands of her orange hair. “I didn’t know until it was too late.”

“Love is like that. Sneaky.”

We both sort of laughed as I leaned back and crossed my legs on my bed.

“Is it wrong of me to say I had the two of you pegged?”

“Yes,” I said, wiping my eyes, and then tossing a pillow at her.

She giggled, and then clutched the pillow to her chest, looking at me. “Why don’t you just go to him, Hannah? You love each other. What more do you need?”

I chewed the inside of my cheek. “It’s not that simple.”

“Yes, it is.” She wasn’t about to allow me to make the excuses I’d let myself get away with lately.

The good friends were like that. Not giving you any slack where it wasn’t deserved. Open and honest to a fault. Real on a level where you never felt alone.

I glanced out the window of my apartment, at the building across the street, and thought about what she said. “What if I let him all the way in, and then regret it?”

“You have to take the chance. Otherwise, you’ll end up alone.”

“But what if… what if… I’m not good enough?” I admitted, my voice cracking.

“Who is?” she retaliated.

I looked over at her.

“Listen. We all have issues, Hannah. All of us have things in our life we aren’t proud of. Things we could do better. Ways we could be better. But that shouldn’t stop you from loving. That shouldn’t be a reason to push away a man who’s head over heels for you, because love
is
what makes us enough.”

“It wasn’t for my mother,” I said, thinking about the message she left me. The one buried in a pile of messages from other people.

Maggie was quiet, digesting all the underlying meanings to such a small statement. She knew better than anyone what I had gone through. Had been there for me every time I showed up on their doorstep.

“She called,” I said, my voice dim.

“And?”

I sadly shrugged.

“Hannah,” she dragged out, her head tilting to the side.

I couldn’t look at her. “What?”

“You do realize this is what’s holding you back, don’t you?” She reached for my hand. “You need to deal with that part of your life. I know it, my father knows it, and I think you know it too.”

Something in what she said struck me wrong. “Why are you here?” I asked, feeling like I was being backed into a corner over an issue I didn’t want to face.

“Because I’m your best friend, Hannah. The one who knows you better than most.”

“He called, didn’t he?” I thought about the state I must have left Ed in by not calling him. Wished I hadn’t thought of it to begin with.

“No.
He
didn’t.” She caught me off guard as her lip disappeared between her teeth.

My head swiveled in her direction, blood going still.

“She wants to see you, Hannah, and I think you should go to her. It’s been almost five years. I think what you find might surprise you.”

“What a minute,” I said, heart threatening to beat out of my chest. “You didn’t come just to come… did you?”