Running Away From Love

Chapter 1:

              Girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Pink is supposed to be your favorite color. You love to read all about the pretty princesses, who find their princes, and live happily ever after. As you sleep at night you dream about being that princess. You can only hope that your life will be like a fairytale when you grow up. You really don’t have a care in the world, and your dreams seem to be endless. It’s funny how you see the world when you’re a little girl, and how you begin to see the world growing into a woman. As you grow up you are introduced to the real world. Slowly you begin to learn that fairytales are a figment of your imagination. The truth is that naïve and sweet girls get devoured in the real world. Still you try your hardest to hold on to your belief in a happily ever after. But it can be so damn hard after you get let down.

I can say that I used to be the girl who believed in the fairytale life. I just knew I would meet my very own Prince Charming, and he would be all I could possibly dream of. I thought that once I found him, my life would somehow magically become perfect and complete. It never even crossed my mind that I would have to work hard as hell for my happily ever after, that I most definitely would kiss some frogs, before I kissed the one who turns into my prince, that nothing would be handed to me in life without hard work, frustration, heartbreak, and even pain. Life is all about finding yourself through the good and also through the bad. Most importantly never letting the bad change who you are for the worse.

              When love hit me, it threw me for a loop. In the beginning I was in complete ecstasy. The way he made me feel gave me a natural high. We spent almost every single day together. And I can truly say that I enjoyed every single moment I spent with him. Seeing and being with him never got old to me. He always did the little things, which showed me how much he cared. The first guy whose love knocked me down was Trey, and I fell hard. We met during our junior year of high school. I guess you can say we were high school sweethearts. To feel so strongly for someone at such a young age, you may not always know how to handle it. Trey meant the world to me. Just the mere mention of his name could bring the biggest smile onto my face. In my eyes, he could do no wrong. Of course he made mistakes, and to be fair so did I. I was in no way the perfect girlfriend I had my flaws. But we were kids growing up together, and we just so happened to fall in love. We were a stable couple during the last years if high school. Well, as stable as two teenagers in love can be. But as soon as we both hit college is when things began to change. I could feel him starting to distance himself from me, and we began arguing almost every day over little shit. But he always seemed to initiate the majority of the arguments. All I ever wanted from Trey was his time and attention. I was never the needy, clingy type of chick. I didn’t feel the need to be up under him all the time. What satisfied me was him. So for about six months all I did was bitch at him for his lack of effort when it came to our relationship. So, on Valentine’s Day he broke up with me. Why he picked this day out of all days was beyond me. This was in typical Trey fashion. He was a man who always did spiteful and petty shit. He knew what would hurt me the most.

The worse part of the breakup was the way that he went about it. He was angry that I went out of town on Valentine’s Day to see a concert with my best friend, London. I guess he felt like I should have been at home with him. I didn’t see it as a big deal, seeing how we hadn’t even been acting like we were a couple for months anyway. We barely even saw one another, and when we did talk it was forced and awkward. I knew that he had nothing planned for us to do on Valentine’s Day anyway. I guess all he needed was some reason to break up with me. But seriously who really does shit like that? The way he went about it was so damn cold I could barely even believe it at first. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I knew he was angry with me, but I wasn’t expecting him to do me like he did. He decided to call me at ten o’clock at night to tell me he was sick of fighting with me, and he had been going over this in his mind for a while. He said he decided that we would be better off as friends. No warm up just straight gut-checked my ass. At first I didn’t want to believe it. Trey and I just being friends? How am I supposed to be friends with a man that I’m in love with? The crazy thing was how he made it seem like it was all my fault. It seemed as though he wanted to put distance between us. He went on to say some other bullshit that he thought he should say. He said that he didn’t know what he wanted right now. And that he thought that it would be best if he was by himself until he figures things out. It was the typical line that every man uses when he doesn’t want to come out and tell you about what he wants. Immediately I began to think what I was doing that made him not want to be with me. I took his blame and placed it all on myself. On the outside I was calm and collected showing no real signs of my pain, but that’s how I am. I hate to lose control in the sight of others. I chose to avoid dealing with it. In reality I was hurting and on the brink of completely losing control. I hung up on him, and sat there in disbelief. I was trying to understand how it could be so easy for him to just up and walk away from me. He acted as if all of the years of it being just us were easily replaceable. This should have been the end to Jasmine and Trey, but I guess I needed to experience more pain and disappointment. I went against my better judgment refusing to let him go.

Have you ever painted this picture perfect life with someone in your mind? But deep down you know that it is nothing but a figment of your imagination. This will more than likely never be your reality when it’s all said and done. Still, you refuse to even think about erasing that picture from your mind. That’s how I felt when it came to my relationship with Trey. I couldn’t let him go no matter how bad he hurt me. I was young and naïve, and his love was one hell of a drug.

              I figured that if I stuck around in his life eventually he would find his way back to me. For two years I stayed around, accepting the “friend” position in his life. In all honesty, neither of us were ready to leave the other alone. We loved one another. We both didn’t want to see each other with anyone else. So we acted like we were boyfriend and girlfriend, but we weren’t together officially. He was the only that I was sexing. I know how foolish it sounds limiting myself to only him without a commitment. But to me having sex with more than one dude at a time is tacky. I have standards to which I hold myself. I don’t sleep around with multiple men just because I can. When you live that kind of life, it comes with bad reputations, diseases, and children you didn’t plan on having. So I never really gave a fair chance to any other guy who I met. I guess I just used them for the attention I wasn’t getting from Trey. I only let them get so close before I inevitably pushed them away. I couldn’t see anything past Trey.

Even though I made the decision to only sleep with him, he didn’t show me the same respect. I knew about the other girls he messed around with. Buffalo is so small you really can’t do anything without word getting out. So eventually what he was doing got back to. What could I really say, or do when he wasn’t really mine. I let him push me into this role as his unofficial girl. Everyone knew me as Trey’s girl, but no one knew Trey as my man. It was degrading to know someone you loved seemed to think of you as a possession only he was entitled too. He didn’t want me fully, but he also didn’t want anyone else to have me either. He knew how much I loved him, so he kept stringing me along.

Was I hurt? Yes, I was hurting like hell! My pride and confidence became damn near nonexistent at that point. I barely even wanted to look at myself in the mirror, afraid of what I might see. I knew I let my love for him blind me to all of his bullshit. I forgave him time after time for all the dumb shit he did to keep him close to me. Two years later, I was still living my life with no commitment from him. I guess it’s safe to say the whole being a loyal and good woman thing didn’t really help me much. After he graduated college, he decided to take a job and move to New York City. He got hired at Universal Records as an A&R assistant. When he first told me about it I wasn’t really sure how I felt. On the one hand I was mad as hell about his decision to just up and leave. It was the way he went about it, without even considering how I would feel. That drove me insane. You would think he would have at least showed me some courtesy and talked to me about it. Oh, no, not Trey’s inconsiderate ass, that was asking too much. He decided to be a bitch about it as usual, and tell me everything via text message. He couldn’t even be a man, and have a conversation about it to my face. I didn’t know why I was letting myself get upset about it. This was in typical Trey fashion, always all about himself. He could never face me like a man when it came to his bullshit! I couldn’t understand what man pushes someone he says he loves out of his life without any remorse. On the other hand, I was also happy for him. I knew all of his dreams and goals, and he was finally getting into the business he had always dreamed of. Me being who I am, I could never hate or try to discourage anyone I love from fulfilling and living their dreams. So I sucked it up, and dealt with it. I forced myself to be okay, but as usual it was a lie. I was far from okay. It felt like every day he broke me down lower and lower. Still my dumb ass refused to take the fucking hint and let go. I began to wonder why he didn’t just come out and end it. Why was he choosing to continue with the games? I couldn’t understand him anymore. Every day I obsessed about why he could no longer see me in his future. I wondered what it was about me that I needed to fix to change his mind. At that point I had become an extremely self-conscious person. I no longer felt beautiful. I stared into the mirror always pointing out any and every flaw. Light no longer glistened behind my eyes, and I felt like I had lost my smile. I would meet men who would always compliment me on how pretty I was, but I could never accept it as truth because the only way I saw myself was unpretty. This love was slowly destroying me, and still I couldn’t let go.

              It’s been a little over a month since I’ve last seen Trey. The last time he came home for a weekend we chilled for what seemed to be a hot second. Our relationship was so routine at this point. Sex was what our relationship was reduced too. Our physical connection was nothing short of amazing, and sometimes it felt like the sex alone was what made me stay. He knew what to do to my body that would keep me yearning for more. This time he asked me to come down to visit him for the weekend. I agreed, very excited to see him, and spend some real time with him. Plus I had something really important that I needed to talk to him about. But from the moment I stepped foot in the City, I could feel something was wrong. I couldn’t figure out what it was. It felt like there was even more distance between us in that moment than what was already physically there between us. By his body language I knew there was a reason why he really asked me to come visit. And from the fact that he could barely look at me, I knew it was bad. I decided to just ask him what was on his mind. I walked over to where he was sitting down watching TV, and I sat on his lap, making him face me. I asked in a soft tone, “What‘s wrong, Trey? Is there something on your mind you want to talk about?” He removed me from his lap and sat me down next to him. For a second he stared at me. The way he looked at me made me instantly nervous. I knew that he had something to say, but he wouldn’t spit it out. So I sat there annoyed and pouting. Finally he spoke.

“Listen, Jasmine, I asked you here because I’ve got to get some things off my chest. I thought that it would be better if we had this conversation face to face.”

Curious as to what he was about to say I reluctantly said “Okay.” “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about me and you.” He began. “I know you have wanted to be in a relationship with me for the longest time now, but I’m going to be honest with you. I don’t want to be in a relationship with you. I mean, we’re not even living in the same city anymore, and we talk less and less every day. I have so much going on here, and I’m really busy. I really don’t have the time for you or a relationship. I know that it’s not fair to keep you waiting when I know that I don’t want the same things that you do. I’m tired of hurting you because of my own selfishness. With that being said, I think we shouldn’t see or talk to each other anymore. You deserve a man who can give you all of the things I can’t. We should go our separate ways for good.”

I stared at him in disbelief. I couldn’t believe what he was saying to me. It was like I could hear the words, but I couldn’t seem to comprehend any of it. I could see his mouth was moving, but I could no longer hear any of his words. All of the thoughts racing through my mind seemed to deafen me.

As I snapped out of my trance, I started screaming. “Wow, Trey, are you really fucking serious! You really asked me to come all the way here so you could tell me you’re done with me? I honestly don’t get you Trey. One minute you act like you want me, and then the next minute you act as if you could care less. What’s funny is you weren’t acting so brand new when you were in all up in me. I am so fucking sick and tired of your shit! I’m tired of waiting on you to look up, and see me standing right here in front of your fucking face. After 5 years you still haven’t opened up your eyes, and really saw me. Just thinking about all of the time I have wasted on you makes me sick. I was there for you when you didn’t have anything. I gave you whatever you needed, and never once asked for anything back in return. All I ever wanted from you was you! I deserve so much better than this! I supported all of your dreams when everyone else thought you weren’t shit. I guess it took for you to turn your back on me for the second time for me to finally get it through my head. You don’t give a damn about me. I can finally see you for the selfish, self-centered little ass boy you really are. I’ve given you everything I could possibly give, and all I wanted in return was you to love me. Instead you took, and took, and took from me. Oh my God! I can’t believe this shit is really happening right now.”