Running Away From Love (2 page)

He stared at me like he wasn’t even really processing a single word I had just said. It was so damn obvious he checked out on this relationship a long time ago. I didn’t even notice the tears that had started to fall from my eyes until I touched my tear stained cheeks.

I said “If this is what you want then I’m finally willing to accept it. I guess I should be happy you finally decided to be honest with me for a change.”

              After I said all of that, I couldn’t even look at him I was so angry and hurt my whole body began to shake. I invested all this time, and to see it all disappearing right in front of my face was devastating. I’ve given him 5 years of my life, and it all crumbled in less than sixty seconds. But I knew that for sanity’s sake I needed to accept the fact that this is the end. Maybe we really weren’t meant to be. I’ve been battling within myself about this relationship with Trey for a long time now. I’m tired of not being happy. I miss feeling like the carefree and silly Jasmine I used to be. It got so bad I began to pray and ask God for guidance when it came to my relationship with Trey. I guess this was God showing me Trey wasn’t the man for me. It’s hard letting go when in my mind and heart I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But this love has taken so much out of me. Standing here right now I am completely drained with nothing else left to possibly give. I had no energy to fight with him. Hell I didn’t even know why I kept fighting for someone who didn’t do the same for me. Here I stand at a dead end with no other choice, but to turn around and start over. As I stared into his eyes I didn’t even recognize the person I saw. The more I looked at him the sicker I began to feel. It was so easy to see how in love with him I was. I practically wore my heart on my sleeve for this man, but the only person who couldn’t seem to see that was Trey. It crossed my mind to plead with him in and attempt to save our so called relationship. Every inch of me yearned for his love. I wanted to hear he wanted me as much as I wanted him.

But before I opened my mouth I had an outta body experience. It was like my soul stepped outside of my body. I was able to finally get a good look at myself. As I looked into my eyes I felt like I was looking into the eyes of stranger. It’s a scary feeling to look at yourself, and not even recognize who you see. When I looked into my own eyes there was no sign of life within me. I didn’t see a fire and passion for life a young woman is supposed to have. I couldn’t believe I let it get to the point where I let this relationship drain the life right out of me. Trey really did have this crazy effect on me. It’s like I never thought logical when it came to him. He always forced raw emotions to come pouring out of every inch of me. Anything he asked I would do no questions asked. I wanted to please him. I loved to see him happy and smiling. His smile was so beautiful to me. I wanted to see him happy even if at times it was at a sacrifice to me, but I thought that was what love was. I didn’t understand that love shouldn’t always hurt when it was genuine on both sides. I never realized my love was not being reciprocated how I was giving it out. It was like I put on this façade that I was this perfect girl, and nothing really bothered me. On the outside I seemed to be so strong, but on the inside I was a disaster. As I looked back at myself and the situation now I can clearly see what I had become. My friends and I used to make fun of the girls who made themselves into oblivious fools over a man. And in this moment the oblivious fool was me. All I could do was cry at what I had become.

              I desperately searched his eyes for any sign of emotion but I found none. I couldn’t wrap my mind around how he couldn’t love me anymore. I couldn’t grasp the idea that we could possibly fall out of love with one another. I collapsed onto his couch burying my head into my hands, and my tears flowed like a river. His silence was all the answer I needed.

He sat down next to me in an attempt to console me saying, “I love you Jasmine you know I do. But you and I both know we haven‘t been on the same page for a very long time now. I think it would be for the best if we let each other go. We need to give ourselves a chance to figure out what we both really want out of our lives. Right now I‘m trying to build myself a life here, and I don’t see you fitting into that plan.”

I couldn’t control the emotions that began to pour out of me. “Oh my God! I really can’t believe your saying this shit to me right now! Just dismiss me like I ain’t shit! Even after all these years you can’t show me more respect than that, Trey? You knew what you wanted for a very long time, Trey, but you wait until now to say all of this to me. This couldn’t have come at a worse time. What am I going to do now?”

He looked confused trying to understand what I meant. He said “What are you talking about, Jasmine? What do you mean what are you going to do now. You need to let me go, and move the fuck on with your life. Cut that whiny needy shit out man! You are way to grown for this. You out here looking desperate as fuck, and the shit is disgusting to me!”

As he said this I swear I heard my heart shattering into a million pieces. I felt as if I couldn’t breathe and the room seemed like it was getting smaller by the second. I could feel myself getting so upset that I was getting nauseous and dizzy. I tried my best to calm myself down before I got too upset, and passed the hell out. The real reason I was excited to come here was to finally tell him I was five weeks pregnant with our child. This definitely was not in the plans for how this weekend was supposed to go. But as crazy as it sounds I wasn’t surprised by any of this either. All the signs have been there all along, but I chose to ignore all of them. This is exactly what I get for being so foolish. My mom always told me to trust my instincts, and with Trey I ignored them all!

              I wanted to tell him I was pregnant, but after hearing what he had just said, I couldn’t even get the words to leave my mouth. I’ve been keeping this pregnancy a secret from everyone, even my best friend. I never keep secrets from London. I guess I was afraid of what type of reaction I would get from everyone knowing what the situation was between him and me. I really didn’t want to be known as someone’s baby mother. I wanted to be his wife, and start a family with him. What I wanted right now was for him to take me into his arms, and tell me everything was going to be ok. I needed for him to tell me he would be there for me. If I spoke up now he would only think I got pregnant, or was telling him I was pregnant, in an attempt to keep him around. And the last thing I wanted was to feel like my child was resented by its father, or for the father of my child to resent me. So I decided he would never know. I had heard so many different times how much he didn’t want kids right now. The crazy part was we didn’t use condoms all the time. He sometimes got lazy and didn’t want to pull out. He thought I would take the Plan B pill every time, and it would solve it. He didn’t care to notice that it made me sick to my stomach every single time I took it. I bet he didn’t even care what the long term effects of taking it would have on my body when I wanted to have kids. His only concern was himself.

I knew the exact day that I got pregnant. It was when he came back home to visit. We didn’t use a condom that night. I told him to put a condom on because I wasn’t taking the plan b pill anymore. He whispered in my ear telling me to trust him, and how much he loved me. So I trusted him and now I’m left in a really fucked up situation. I couldn’t stand being here any longer. Even though it hurt like hell to finally hear where I stood with him, I guess it was what I needed to hear. All the bullshit with Trey has become all too familiar to me now. I wanted it all to be over. I blocked out anything else he was trying to say to me. He had already said enough.

He interrupted my thoughts as he said “I’m sorry to be so harsh with you Jasmine. Please try to understand where I’m coming from. It’s frustrating as hell to see you like this. This girl really ain’t you, Jas. I know you want to be with me, but right now I need to focus on my future. I know the longer you hold onto me the more I’m going to keep breaking your heart and disappointing you. It’s best we end this thing now. I can’t give you what you want. Let me go.”

I still didn’t respond. I got up, collected my things, and prepared to leave as tears fell continuously from my eyes.

“Jasmine,” he called out, “please stop crying and talk to me. Don’t leave it like this. I hate to see you cry because of me, baby. Just say something, please. I need to know you are okay with all of this.” He grabbed me by the arm to stop me, but I turned around and slapped the shit out of him.

              He looked at me, stunned, but he knew that he deserved that shit. I looked at him with hurt, hate, and anger. After I hit him he knew he needed to back up, and get the hell out of my face. So he stepped back and gave me my space to walk away.

Before I walked out, I looked over my shoulder and said “You really don’t have shit else to say to me. I hate you! I regret the day I met you, Trey! That’s how I feel about all of this, and that is how I feel about you. No I am not ok! Would you be ok if someone did some shit like this to you? I would have never imagined that the Trey I fell in love with would turn into the person I’m looking at right now. I don’t even know who you are. Before we first said we loved each other, you promised me you wouldn’t hurt me, Trey, but you lied! You’re a damn good liar! You used me! You did exactly what you promised you would never do. But you didn’t just hurt me; you broke me.”

I left it at that as I grabbed my bags and walked out of the door. I was in such a rush to get away, I didn’t even realize my gold name plate necklace, which means the world to me, fell off my neck. It was a gift for my 16
th
birthday from my grandfather who had passed away a couple years ago. As I walked out he picked up the necklace, and was about to give it back to me. I guess he decided against it and just let me go. As I got outside I realized I was in this big ass city with nowhere to go. But I didn’t care as long as wherever I was going was far away from here. I glanced back to see if he was even going to try and come after me, but that was wishful thinking on my part. So I started walking until I could hail down a cab. I wanted to get a flight out of here as soon as possible. As soon as I got into the cab I told him to take me to the airport. As he drove off I never felt so alone in my life.

              I was able to bump my flight up, and get a flight out tonight. After about 4 hours of waiting I finally boarded a plane home. As soon as I sat down on the plane all I did was cry. I cried so much my eyes became swollen, and it burned every time a tear formed. A woman sitting across from me looked at me with so much concern. She looked like it took everything in her not to come over and console me. I knew she could see the pain I was feeling. Never in my life have I felt so much pain in my heart. Not only did I let go of someone who I loved, but now I had his unborn child growing inside of me. At this point I had no idea what I was going to do. It felt like my world was crashing down all around me, and I had no way to shield and protect myself. All I could do was let it all fall in hopes it didn’t crush me in the process. If I couldn’t trust a man who I’ve known for years, how in the hell can I trust any other man who tries to tell me he loves me. I didn’t want to be this girl, but I felt like I might never really trust again. Before the doors of the plane closed I looked down at my phone. I saw I had a message from Trey. It said “I’m really sorry, Jasmine, and I really do love you. I hope one day you will find it in your heart to forgive me. But it really is for the best we are apart.”

I typed a message back saying “You don’t love anybody but yourself. Act like you never knew me, Trey, because as of today you don’t exist to me.” After I sent the message, I turned my phone off completely. It took this hard ass blow to my face for me to realize that maybe this was for the best no matter how bad it hurt. I made up in my mind right then and there. I will never be a fool for love ever again. If that means never fully opening up to anyone else ever again then so be it. For as long as I live I will never allow myself to feel this type of pain ever again. I let my life revolve around a man and ended up losing myself in the process. I had been so focused on pleasing him, I didn’t even notice how so much of my life had already passed me by.

Now I’m 24 years old, and I haven’t paid the slightest bit of attention to making my own dreams a reality. There are still so many other things I want to do. And right now I’m nowhere near reaching those goals. I really need to get my life together and get focused. I used to be the girl with so many ideas, dreams, and ambitions. Anyone who knows me knows writing was my first love. I used to be able to sit down and write for hours. Writing was second nature to me. I closed my eyes and decided that today I needed to make a serious change. Now is the time for me to focus on my future. For the longest time I’ve been standing still and watching everyone else move right past me. I’ve been trying to move, but I feel like I have been stuck in place. I felt too scared to leave my little comfort zone. I always knew what I wanted, but I didn’t have the drive or motivation to go out and get it. I guess in a lot of ways I used Trey as my distraction. I guess I used him to avoid having to grow up. Maybe we were so used to each other that we eventually grew into each other’s distraction. Now that he is gone I really don’t have anything standing in my way anymore. The issue facing me now is that I’m five weeks pregnant by a man who I now despise. At this point I’m not really sure who Jasmine is anymore. I realize I need to take the time out to find the answer that question. But will I really be able to find myself while being someone’s mom. As the plane began to take off, I closed my eyes, and I prayed for some type of relief from all the pain. With all the stress I was under I would probably make myself have a miscarriage if I kept on going like this. What I did know was that if this was what love feels like I don’t want to feel it ever again.