Running on Empty (29 page)

“Yeah, I think so. Let’s see if the girls are ready.”

We told the girls we would take them to the park after breakfast, so as soon as we were done eating, they immediately scampered from the table and went to change out of their formal attire into something more park friendly while we cleaned up the kitchen.

We walk into the living room. Nycole and Kyndall are giggling as they push Rylie in Blake’s direction. She’s holding a piece of purple construction paper in her tiny hands.

When she reaches him, she lifts the paper as high as she can to give it to him. He takes it from her and sits down on the fireplace ledge, placing her on his lap while he opens it. As he reads it, I watch the most beautiful smile slowly makes its way across his face. Rylie eyes him with anticipation, with a big grin also stretching across
her
face when she sees Blake’s reaction. She looks at her sisters and giggles. He lowers the letter and pulls her into an embrace. “Rylie, I’d love to. If it’s okay with your mommy.” He releases her and leans over, handing me the purple piece of paper.

This has Nycole written all over it. Not only because I know that Rylie can’t spell or because Kyndall’s handwriting isn’t this legible, but because of the incriminating look on her face right now...and all the glitter on the paper.

I look at Nycole and raise my eyebrows in suspicion. She shrugs her shoulders proclaiming her innocence. I give her a knowing smile before turning to Blake. “It’s okay with me. But I’ll have to give him the top secret details later. When little ears aren’t around.” Rylie throws her arms around his neck and then jumps off his lap, screaming, “This is gonna be the best birthday party ever!” like a mad woman running down the hall to her room. The girls turn to follow her and I put my hand on Nycole’s shoulder as she passes by me. “Well done, Nycole.” She looks up at my face and confidently says, “You’re welcome.”

I bend down and put my face right in front of hers so she can see I’m completely serious. “Thank you, Nycole.”

She kisses me on the cheek and wraps her arms around my neck. Then, so that I’m the only one who hears, she whispers in my ear, “I love you, mom.” When she lets go of my neck, I look directly into her beautiful brown eyes. “I love you too, baby.” She nods her head and runs out of the room after her sisters.

I turn to Blake who’s been watching our interaction. “She reminds me of you, you know. Smart, sarcastic, ruthless…”

I widen my eyes in shock. “
What?
I am totally
not
sarcastic.”

I let out a laugh as I walk over to the fireplace and hold my hand out to help him up. “Well, I’m obviously not wearing
this
to the park. I’m gonna go change. How about you? Do you need anything?”

He reaches up to grab my hand and pulls himself up. “No, I’m okay wearing this.” He reaches over and pushes a section of hair off of my shoulder and runs his hand down my back. “You look stunning today, Alex.” He places his hand in mine.

“Thank you for a wonderful morning. I enjoyed every bit of it.” He raises my hand to his lips. “But I think my favorite part was holding you in the kitchen. Thank you for that.” He gently puts his lips on my hand and holds them there for a second before letting go. The heat from his mouth ignites my entire body. I exhale deeply, fighting the urge to grab him and kiss his face off. I wish I could just let go and give in to my body’s demands. I want him.
And not in a friendly way.
But in the back of my mind is the knowledge that I can’t afford to be wrong with my decisions, so I push away my desire and drop my hand from his.

“I’m gonna go change. Think you can handle them for a second?” He watches me closely as I put distance between us. “Yeah, I’ve got them. Go ahead.”

I turn on my heel, walk into my bedroom and shut the door. I take in several deep breaths, trying to clear my head. Opening the armoire, I grab the t-shirt and jean shorts I had on earlier in the morning. I pull my hair back into a ponytail then throw on my socks and tennis shoes. Inhaling deeply before I walk out of the room, I open the door and shout, “Alright girls! Let’s get going!”

I don’t know what’s going on inside my head today. I don’t know if it’s fear, rational thought, or something to do with Derek, but something keeps holding me back from Blake. I’m riding a roller coaster of emotions; sometimes I want off and other times I want to stay on and enjoy the ride. My eyes move across the living room to meet Blake’s. “You okay, Alex?” He walks to me and puts his hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry if it feels like I’m pushing. I don’t mean to. I’ll back off.”

I shake my head. “It’s fine, Blake. I promise. Sometimes it’s just a little overwhelming. Not you or anything you’re doing, but the feelings. It scares me. That’s all. I’m sorry if I seem all over the place. But I hope you understand it isn’t you.” I move my hand to my shoulder and briefly place it on top of his before letting go. “Please be patient with me,” I plead.

He strokes my shoulder with his thumb and looks into my eyes. “I’m not going anywhere, Alex.” He runs his hand lightly down my arm and gives my hand a quick squeeze before releasing it when we hear the pitter patter of little feet running down the hall.

“We’re ready, Mama!” Kyndall says, as she runs up to me completely out of breath. I glance at the peace sign backpack she’s holding. “Why do you have your back pack?”

“Well, Tommy and Sandy wanted to come too!” She opens up the bag to show us her favorite stuffed bear and turtle. “See!”

I watch Nycole emerge with her iPod Touch and headphones in her ears. “Okay – Rylie, is there anything you want to bring with you?” She walks over to Blake and grabs his hand. “Just Blake!” she says, leading him toward the front door. He winks at her and gives her a beautiful smile which she happily reciprocates. I watch her skip towards the door, holding Blake’s hand the entire time.

“Alright, let’s go,” I say to absolutely no one since they’re all outside. I turn to lock the door, hoping the fresh air will ease my mind. I walk to the Suburban and climb in. Blake’s already turned around in the passenger’s seat talking to the girls. I turn the key in the ignition and start the drive to the park.

After two new songs from Justin Bieber’s new album, accompanied by horrendous dance moves from Blake, which leads to many contagious giggles, we arrive at the park. The girls jump out and scatter all over the place. Rylie pulls Blake with her to the swings. Poor guy. He’ll be there all day.

I hear her yell “Collar roaster, Blake! Do the collar roaster!” I smile as she refers to the swings. I wonder how old she’ll be until she actually says it right. I chuckle to myself
.

Blake is definitely good for a roller coaster ride, my dear. You definitely picked the right person for that.

I walk to the bench that sits on the edge of the park and watch Nycole and Kyndall as they sit under the slide setting up various toys that Kyndall must have had in her back pack. Judging by the amount of toys they have, it’s no wonder she was out of breath.

I observe Blake pushing Rylie on the swing. He’s laughing with her singing some song about a donut and a nickel. He must know it, or is an incredibly fast learner, because by the second time through he’s singing it with her. They both look incredibly content.

I sigh as I allow myself to imagine this is actually my life. A gorgeous man who loves my children as if they are his own. A man who loves me. A strong man who can handle anything. A caring man who will take care of his girls. A family. A happy family.

I try to contain the tears as they start to surface.

I had that with Derek and it was taken away from me. Am I lucky enough to experience it again? I swipe away a tear as it starts to escape my eye.

Derek, I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. I need your help.

Tears start to stream down my face.

Would I be wrong to allow this to happen with Blake? I’m tired of fighting it, Derek. I want so much to feel. To let myself be happy. But I can’t help but worry that if I do, I’m dishonoring everything we had together. You were my first everything. I don’t know if I could do it with anyone else. I wish you were here to tell me what to do. To give me your blessing. I think that’s what I’m waiting for. Which is unfortunate because you aren’t here. Am I crazy for waiting for you to give me the okay?

I look to the sky, half expecting him to appear like an angel floating down to give me all the answers.

Yeah, I’m definitely crazy.

I watch all three girls, now running around the park, chasing Blake. He jerks his body from left to right, barely missing their hands when they try to grab him. He finally lets Kyndall win and scoops her up in his big arms, spinning her round and round. He sets her down and takes off around the swings and the chase begins again. I watch their determination as they try to catch him. And I watch him as he contemplates who he’s going to let win this round. They’re all so full of laughter I can’t help but smile through the tears.

Derek, I want the girls to know a normal life; to know true happiness, like what we had when you were here. I really think that Blake could give us that. Actually, I know he could. But I also know I’m holding back. There’s a threshold I can’t seem to cross. Is he worth the gamble? I know nothing is guaranteed in this lifetime. Trust me, no one knows that better than me. But I want so much to believe he’s worth it. Worth taking the chance.

A small breeze blows over me. I breathe in deeply, trying to force fresh air into my lungs. But then, I take in a deeper breath, except this time it’s not to clear my head. It smells…familiar.
Sandalwood.
I gasp out loud.

Blake looks over at me with concern on his face and starts walking in my direction. I wave him off. “I’m fine! You’d better hurry. They’re tag teaming you now.” He looks back and dodges Nycole as she leaps forward to catch him. He takes one look back at me and I motion for him to run. “Hurry! They’re gonna get you!” He turns and changes direction running towards the slide.

Another breeze blows over me and the smell of sandalwood lingers in the air.

Derek?

Okay – I’m definitely losing my mind. I shake my head and start to get up when the most beautiful butterfly I’ve ever seen lands right on my knee. It looks like some exotic sort of butterfly; I’ve never seen anything like it. The arches of its wings are marked with bright yellow and black. But it’s the bottom part of the butterfly’s wings that catches my attention. The lowest section of its wings is a beautiful almost electric blue color.

I place my hand beside the butterfly on my leg, being careful not to touch its wings. Instead of flying away, it climbs onto my finger. I lift it up to my face to get a better look. Amazingly it doesn’t move. It just sits there looking back at me. Another breeze blows and I’m momentarily distracted from its beauty. There’s no mistaking it. Sandalwood is all around me. I can smell it on my clothes.

I look all around me. I don’t see anything out of the norm. I look back at the butterfly.

Derek?

All of a sudden, it leaves my finger and begins to flutter around my head. I hear the girls run up out of breath.

“Mama – look at the butterfly. Isn’t it beautiful?” Kyndall watches it land on her shoulder. She stands as still as possible and twists her head to the side to get a better look. “Oh…It’s so pretty!”

Nycole and Rylie make their way over and the butterfly jumps off of Kyndall’s shoulder and begins to fly all around her sisters. It lands on the top of Rylie’s head and she stands like a statue while we all laugh at her, then it flutters to Nycole and lands on her finger when she holds it out in an attempt to lure it close to her. She brings it very close to her face and the butterfly flies off her finger and lands on her cheek. She giggles. “It tickles!”

Then, as Blake finally makes his way over, the butterfly flies over to him and lands on his shoulder. He takes his hand and places it right next to the butterfly. It climbs on without hesitation. “Alex, look at this. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one like this before. Not even in Colorado. It’s beautiful.” Blake brings it around for a closer look. As he’s inspecting it, it flies off of his hand and flutters in the air for a second before it lands back on my knee.

Okay. I’m completely losing it if I think that this butterfly is Derek trying to tell me something. I have officially lost my marbles. There is no way that –

The butterfly flies up and lands right on my nose. I look at it cross-eyed, watching it flap its wings slowly in front of my eyes. Taunting me.

Derek? Is that you?

It begins to flap its wings faster, finally leaving my nose. It makes its way back to Blake and flutters above his head for a few seconds before another breeze comes and it flies away. We all sit in silence watching it as it disappears behind the trees.

“That was weird,” Blake says quietly. Turning back towards the girls he claps his hands loudly. “Hide and Seek? I’ll start. One… two… three…” The girls take off running. Blake turns and sits beside me on the bench. “You okay? You look a little upset.” He twists my ponytail around his finger. I nod my head. “Yeah, I’m okay. Nycole just went under the slide…in case you need a hint.”