Sacred Hart (13 page)

Maggie didn’t look at me with disgust like I thought she would’ve. She watched me carefully for a moment, her expression blank before she wiped the tears from under her eyes. “Ryan, I—”

“Wait. That’s not the worst part.” I scrubbed my palm down my face and locked my eyes on hers. I took a step toward her, and when she didn’t back away, I used the opportunity to place my hands on her cheeks.

“It’s not?” her top lip shivered as she spoke.

“I was working, Maggie. I was called to the scene. I saw her, I saw my Belle… covered in a sheet. I held her body in my arms. I saw the damage they caused with their selfish fucking affair. My reason for living died in that gutter, alone. And the worst part is, I know in my heart, at some point, she woke up… she was awake. It was pouring, Maggie…” Tears fell down my face in a torrent, and my words seeped from my lips in angry sobs. “She would’ve been cold, and confused… frightened. My baby girl…” my nostrils flared as I tried to speak through my own personal hell, “… she died scared and alone. I fucking live with this regret… What if I stayed home that night? What if I’d been a better husband? What if—” I couldn’t breathe; my heart was in my throat and my hold on Maggie’s face slipped.

She brought her palms to the back of my hands, supporting my hold. “Stop,” she cried out. Maggie tilted her head back, and her tear filled eyes pierced through mine. The fear — it was gone. “Just stop.” She moved her hands to frame my face, and I let my head fall slowly forward, resting my forehead against hers. “What-ifs… Ryan, they’ll ruin you.”

“I’m already ruined, Maggie, I’m already gone.” I closed my eyes and breathed her in. I breathed in the acceptance, and I felt light-headed. My pulse hammered behind my temples, but as she trailed her thumb back and forth along my jaw, I began to feel at ease. All my secrets were out. I showed her what was left of me and she was still here.

“You may be ruined, Ryan, but you’re not gone. You’ve just changed… adapted, and I see … the man you’ve become… and he’s
beautiful. You’re shattered, but I can still see your light. Even through all the tiny cracks, you still shine.” She pulled away, and a tear trickled down her cheek and lingered at the corner of her mouth.

“I tried to stay away like you asked, but I’ve allowed myself to care about you. I let you in, Maggie, and I just couldn’t… Beth, she looks so much like my Belle, and seeing her… it slices me up. She’s my ghost, but I want the blade because having you both in my life, having this…” I kissed her slowly, and her sweet taste opened my veins and fed my rapid pulse. I pulled away, and the dizzy feeling returned as I caught my bearings. “…it takes away the pain, it cuts past my ugly history and releases the vice from my chest. You and Beth… you give me something to look forward to. I didn’t tell you because I was scared you’d be afraid, that you wouldn’t want a man like me around your daughter.”

She shook her head. “I don’t know too many people who
wouldn’t
have pulled that trigger.”

“Do you mean that?”

“I’d never judge you, Ryan. You…” She swallowed. “What you went through… no one should ever have to suffer that. I want to be here for you.”

“I meant it when I said I’m beyond rescue. Some things, Maggie, they just never heal.”

“And they shouldn’t.” She placed her cheek on my chest again, and I cradled her head in my hand.

“You deserve better.” The statement was a slight whisper, not meant to be heard, but when she answered, the sprig of hope I’d allowed in took root.

“I’ll be the judge of that.”

His heart thundered loudly in my ear with its usual irregular beat. It was a hard felt truth. I’d never be enough for this real man… this broken soul. I’d never fix him. The loss of a child… he would never be whole again, and the pain in my sternum split me open. I wished, God, I wished I could pour half of my soul into his chest, give him that happiness he deserved, the love he’d once had, but I couldn’t. He was wrong; I didn’t deserve
him
. He’d chosen me. I was the special one who got to hold a piece of his broken heart, and I’d never felt so lucky. I didn’t fear the choices he’d made, I bowed to them. Call me crazy, but I’d have done the same thing.

Ryan pulled me closer, and I wasn’t sure where he ended and I began anymore. My tears hadn’t stopped since I watched this stoic man fall apart, and the cotton of Ryan’s shirt was wet against my cheek. If I ever lost Beth — the thought made my knees weak — I’d never survive the loss.

Ryan kissed the top of my head and spoke into my hair. “I should be more than a dark cloud on your life, Maggie, but I—”

I leaned back and looked into his eyes. “You’re not a dark cloud…” I had to find my breath and the lump in my throat was threatening to silence me again, “…you’re so good with Beth, even though it hurts you to be around her… you still tried… you’re still trying, and that’s all I need. Flaws and all — I’m here, Ryan.”

A small smile twitched the corner of his lips as he wiped my tears away with the pad of his thumb. His own eyes were rimmed with red and his lashes were wet. “You didn’t let me finish my thought. I don’t want you to waste your time trying to mend my wounds… you can’t. I don’t want my past to hover over you and Beth, but… you make me want to try again…” His eyes fell to my mouth, and my breath hitched. “I can’t figure a way out of it anymore.”

He leaned down gradually, and my heart fluttered wildly in my ribcage. “A way out of what?”

The sweet heat of his kiss enveloped me, the salt from his tears still evident on his lips, and when he stopped to speak, I almost wished I hadn’t asked the question. “You. I can’t see any way around it. You and Beth… I care about you, and it just feels… right.” He released me from his hold, and my eyes closed as his rough palms held my face.

“I care about you, too.” My eyes opened and my gaze fell into his. “I know I can’t make things magically better for you. I’m not going to try and change you because I know I can’t. But, what you said is the truth. It feels right, and I just want time, Ryan… time with you.”

He held my stare. “Time.” The word slipped past his lips and lingered in the coveted space between us. He leaned down and kissed my cheek. As he spoke, his breath tickled the skin. “I can give you that.”

Goose bumps ran down my neck and arms, and all the butterflies in my stomach soared. “I made you a pie.” My nose crinkled, and I shut my eyes tight with embarrassment as he chuckled at my nervous and random outburst. Having him this close, his lips at my ear… it twisted up my sensibilities.

“You did?” He stood at his full height, lacing his hand with mine, and his mouth was spread into a giant grin.

My awkwardness melted away as Ryan’s brown eyes lit with humor. “I did. Wishful thinking?” I shrugged. “Come on, I’ll get you a slice.”

“Make it to-go.” He dropped his hand from mine and ruffled it through his hair. “You have an early day tomorrow.”

As much as I hated to admit it, he was right. “I really do.” I frowned.

He laughed, and the tone of it filled my sad little house with something I’d once dared to hope for, something I didn’t expect to ever have again — another piece of the puzzle — a second half. “You have off the next few days, though?” I nodded as he followed me to the kitchen. “You and Beth spend some time together, and then I’ll see you on Sunday?”

He leaned against the breakfast bar as I wrapped the pie in plastic wrap. “I’d like to see you before then. Maybe go see a movie with Beth.”

“A movie?”

“Yes. You know… at the theater in town?” I handed him the whole pie and the crease between his brows deepened.

He glanced down at the pastry in his hand. “I don’t need a whole pie, Maggie.”

I ignored the statement and smirked. “Movie night with the girls… sound good?”

He shook his head with a short laugh. “It sounds great.”

We headed to the front door in a comfortable silence, and with each step closer, my chest filled with anxiety. I didn’t want him to leave. “I’ll see you Thursday. Let’s catch whatever’s playing at six?”

“I’ll see if Frank can cover for me.” He held up the pie. “Thanks for this.”

I opened the door a crack and reached up on my tiptoes kissing him softly on his mouth. The hair of his beard bristled against my lips and sent a pleasant jolt down my spine. “Thank you for showing up.”

He watched me for a moment and placed a flyaway hair behind my ear. “Thanks for letting me in.”

He brought his lips to my forehead one more time before he turned, opened the door, and left me standing in the entryway dazed. I watched as his truck pulled away, and the further it moved down the street, the more anxious I became. The adrenaline spiked through my body, and I felt the urge to run. Run… as fast as my legs would carry me.
Run
… the word whispered in my subconscious. I slammed my door, and moved through my house like a giant gust of wind.

I couldn’t let him go home alone. Not after tonight. Not after everything he’d shared. I was such an idiot, and I internally scolded myself as I grabbed my purse and keys off the counter.

The light from Ryan’s window cast funny shadows on the ground as I approached his porch. My stomach was in my throat as I knocked on the door. I hadn’t really thought this through. I would’ve called him, but he didn’t have a cell phone, and I assumed he’d have gone straight home. The heavy sound of his foot fall became more distinct as he neared the other side of the door.

The lock made a quiet click as it slid open, and my heart took flight as the heavy wooden door opened. Ryan greeted me with a confused smile. “Maggie?”

“I… I wasn’t ready to say goodbye,” I stuttered as the truth escaped my lips.

He stepped closer, his broad shoulders filling the doorway, and framed my face with his palms. The heat of his hands felt good against my chilled skin. “I didn’t want to leave.”

Our lips met with a hungry crash and my hands ran through his hair, gripping tightly as I held on for dear life, because there was no way I was going to survive
this
kiss. His groan vibrated in his chest and set every pore in my skin ablaze as he nipped my bottom lip. His hands fell to my waist, and the force of his fingertips set off a chain reaction of heat starting in my chest. The flames burned all the way down to my belly, and a surge of need pooled between my legs. He savored me; his tongue dipped and danced with mine. Each hurried breath and each delicious taste I received was a gift.

His powerful arms lifted me, and my legs wrapped around his waist. He kicked the door shut, and our lips never parted as he walked to the bedroom. It was like his switch had flipped, and the easy control, that balance he mastered every day, it began to crumble. My fingers ran down the back of his neck and he shuddered. A low sound rumbled in his throat as my back hit the wall, and his name whispered from my parted lips.

Ryan’s hands had found their way under the hem of my T-shirt, and his fingers held my hips with a hot grip as he caught his breath. He rested his forehead against mine, and it was then I realized he was shaking.

“You’re trembling.” I brought my hands to his shoulders.

His chest moved rapidly with each breath he took, and his pupils were fully dilated as he searched my expression. “I don’t want to mess this up.” He swallowed nervously, and I brought my hands to his face.

He let his gaze fall to my mouth, and I leaned in teasing his lips with mine. “You won’t,” I whispered against his mouth.

He kissed me one more time with a slow, languid pull of his lips. He ran his hands down my thighs and clenched his jaw. “What about work? You have to—”

“I called in sick on my way over. I’m all yours.” My teeth raked across my bottom lip, and he swallowed again.

“All mine.”

I nodded. My skin was sensitive, my face was flush, and my body was desperate for his. “Yes.”

He held me securely, and my arms wrapped around his neck as he moved us to his bed. His stare pinned me in place as he sat me down on the mattress. He stood in front of me, and I pulled myself into a kneeling position. My hands rested on his chest. The beat of his heart was the one constant in this whirlwind, and it soothed me. He was wearing his jeans and the white undershirt he had on earlier. The red and black checked flannel he wore was still unbuttoned, and I slid my hands under the material, easing it off his shoulders. It fell to the floor, and the muscle in Ryan’s arms flexed as I drew a line along his skin down to his hands.

“Maggie.” My name pleaded from his lips as I brought his hands to the hem of my shirt giving him permission. He lifted the fabric over my head, and my hair cascaded down my back and covered my bra. Ryan moved my hair over my shoulder with the back of his hand, and I shivered as his fingertips trailed down each arm. I could feel his feather light touch along the curve of my hip, and the pulse of desire became almost too much to bear.

He lifted his hand and brushed his thumb along my lips. “I’ve been in the dark for so long I almost forgot, Maggie.”

He held my chin between his thumb and forefinger. “Forgot?” I whispered.

“How to see it. I almost lost its meaning.” He pressed his lips between my confused brows. “Beauty… Maggie. You. You’re better than perfect… you’re the fucking definition.”