Sacred Hart (22 page)

I’d become numb as I sat in the ICU waiting room. I wanted to be by myself, so I’d asked Tate to give me some space. Laurie was working, and I texted her updates when I had them. I hadn’t heard from Tony yet, and I wasn’t ready to tell Cornelia. I liked the quiet. I liked the peace of not having to look optimistic. My hands rested on my belly, and even though it was too soon, I wished I could feel the baby move. I wished I could feel the small soul growing inside of me, feel the ray of light that Ryan had given me unknowingly.

The cardiologist had just finished talking to me, and I’d been informed that Ryan had been moved to recovery just before Tony walked into the room. His face was ashen, and he was puffing air greedily in and out of his lungs.

“I tried to get here sooner, but, I had to close up shop, and hell, traffic is a son of a bitch. I’m not used to it.” Tony’s eyes filled with tears as he took in my expression. “Maggie, is he okay?”

“They just moved him to recovery, but he’s not out of the woods yet. They won’t let me see him until he’s moved into his room.” I tried to hold back the anger in my voice. It was policy, and I’d told people the same thing all the freaking time, but being on the receiving end of it… it sucked.

“What did the doc say?” Tony sat across from me and pulled a handkerchief from his pocket. He wiped at his eyes and then settled back in his chair.

I exhaled a long breath. “He had a small heart block that they were able to fix with a stent, but they found a few defects in the valves of his heart on the left side. The blood hadn’t been pumping right for God knows how long, and his heart had to work so much harder because of it.”

“That sounds bad.” Tony coughed and rubbed his hand through his thin gray hair.

“It’s bad, Tony. The blood didn’t move through the valves like it should’ve, and the heart muscle became inflamed with an infection. The doctor said he was surprised this hadn’t happened sooner. Ryan’s heart is enlarged now, and there are signs this wasn’t his first heart attack. The cardiologist thinks he might have had a minor one before this, but was able to pull through it.”

“He’s strong. He’s got a lot to lose, and he knows it.” Tony gave me a reassuring smile, but it only made the ache in my chest worse.

“They’re going to try and stabilize him enough for surgery. They want to repair the valves, but he’s in heart failure, and even if they repair the valves, he may need more surgery down the road, and…” the lump in my throat lodged in place, and I was hardly able to finish my sentence, “…his heart has been greatly weakened, and if he were to have another heart attack… it would most likely be fatal.” Tears spilled over my lashes, and I wrapped my arms around my body. I squeezed with the little strength I had left and tried to hold myself together.

“But, the surgery… it will help him, right?” Tony sat up and inched to the edge of his seat. His eyes found mine, and all the faith he had left fell in streams down his face.

I nodded. “It will. If his heart is strong enough for the surgery, he’ll be okay. But, Tony, he’ll have to be careful, eat better, deal with less stress…” my hands found their way to my stomach involuntarily, “…I’m so scared,” I whispered the words that had plagued me for the past few hours.

Tony stood and sat in the chair next to me, draping his arm around my shoulder. “So am I, kid. But Ryan, that man, he’s been dealt a shitty hand. At some point, the powers that be… they’ve got to let him have his turn.” His smile curled up on one side. “You gave him the will again, Maggie. Don’t give up on him yet.”

I rested my head on his shoulder and cried. I let all the toxic fear, worry, and pain seep out of my body in waves. Tony’s sure arm gripped me tight as I fell apart. It could have been hours, it could have just been a few minutes, but when the nurse came to tell us we could see Ryan, I had fully drained myself of any doubt. Ryan would be okay. My heart… it was fierce enough for the both of us.

The pressure pushed down on my sternum; the dark filled every facet of light, and terror seized my heart. I could actually hear the blood rush through my veins. The pain in my chest set fire to every nerve, and just when I thought I couldn’t take it, just when I started to fall into the abyss, everything — just — stopped. The ache subsided, and the flame cooled to ash. My lungs had become still, and I wasn’t sure if I could even move. The blank canvas of my surroundings should have scared me, but I felt… no fear. The sensation of life left my limbs, and as the black lit to a dull gray, I thought of her… of Maggie.

Was I dead?

“Daddy.”

My world tilted, and I found myself on my knees. My hands dropped from my chest as I raised my eyes to the familiar small voice, my question had been answered.

“Birdie?” My voice sounded so faint. Had I even spoken?

She didn’t speak as she moved toward me. She was wearing a yellow dress, and the color of it seemed to paint this void with warmth. I wanted to reach out to her, but I could no longer move. I was suspended in time — my knees to the ground, and my arms at my side. It wasn’t until her tiny hands framed my face that all of the feeling in my body returned. My heart burst, my eyes filled with tears, and my hands cradled the back of her head as she pressed her forehead to mine. My lungs pulled in a gasp of air as a sob wracked through me.

“Belle.” The strength returned to my voice, and as her scent filled each one of my breaths, the piece of myself, the integral part of my soul that had been missing, snapped into place.

She pulled away, and her eyes shined as they found mine. My hands fell to either side of her cheeks, and her lips spread into a smile as she spoke. “I missed you.”

Another sob sputtered from my lips as I smiled. My lips spread so wide it almost hurt, but I knew it wouldn’t… there was no pain here. I no longer suffered. “I missed you so much, Birdie.”

She rubbed her hands on my beard and giggled. The sound of it sewed me up, and the last unraveled thread of who I had once been found its way back into the stitching of my heart. She dropped her hands from my face, but I never once released my hold on hers. She placed her palm over my heart, and the rhythm jumped. Belle’s mouth moved as if to speak, but no words fell from her lips. My heart jumped again, and everything around me shifted. The light brightened, and the void around us began to take form.

“What’s happening?” I asked her, but she just nodded her head as she raised her hands to mine.

The heat of her fingertips dusted along the backs of my hands, and the safe feeling of her touch caused me to close my eyes. Maybe I was just dreaming, because the moment my eyes closed, I was in Maggie’s kitchen.

Maggie.

I tried to open my eyes so I could tell Birdie about her and Beth. The urgent feeling filled my chest, but my eyes wouldn’t open. I could still feel Belle’s hands on mine, yet I was still stuck in the dream.

Maggie was laughing, and Beth was sitting on the other side of the breakfast bar. I startled when I saw myself walk into the kitchen too.

Again, I tried to wake myself from this dream, but I couldn’t.

Maggie looked so pretty. Her hair was down, and she licked a wooden spoon covered in what looked like chocolate. She laughed at something I’d said to her, and she pointed the spoon at me with a smirk and narrowed eyes. Maggie moved from behind the counter, and as her full belly came into view, my pulse became so rapid I almost lost hold on the vision. I squeezed my eyes shut, anxious for more, not ready to wake. I saw myself place my hands on her belly. I watched as I kneeled to the floor and brought my lips to her stomach. Beth laughed, and Maggie ran her hands through my hair as I looked up at her.

“I love you.” Belle’s voice caused my eyes to open.

She dropped her hold on me and stepped away. I should’ve felt panicked, I should’ve reached for her, grabbed her hand and laced it with mine. I should’ve wanted to stay here with her… it was what I’d needed for so long, but the pull I felt to them, to Maggie and Beth, to my future — it was too much. I swallowed as I watched my daughter walk away. Her smile so big I felt her love all the way down into my bones. I’d finally felt her acceptance… closure. I no longer needed to say goodbye. She’d be here for me again… just not yet.

My throat burned, and the pain in my neck was unreal. I attempted to raise my hand as my eyes opened, but the light slit through my pupils like a damn knife. I groaned, and the faint touch of lips brushed against my mouth.

“Shh. Don’t fight it, Ryan.” Maggie’s gentle voice eased my muscles.

She took my hand in hers, and her hair fell against my neck. The sensation made my eyes open again. Maggie was sitting next to me; her other hand ran through my hair, and her smile trembled as my eyes fell to her mouth. As long as I focused on her, the pain dissipated and the light softened around me. I licked my dry lips desperate to speak.

“Maggie.” My voice was a rough whisper.

I tried to sit up. The need to have her in my arms, to tell her about Belle, fed my weak state, but a sharp feeling in my neck stopped me.

“Ryan, don’t try to get up.” Her smile would have to be enough. “You have something called a central line. It’s like a really big IV in your neck. Not to mention a few lines in your arm as well. I can lift the head of the bed if you’d like to sit up?”

I nodded.

“You just missed Tony. He left to go get Beth from Cornelia’s. They won’t let children visit yet.”

I brought my gaze to hers, and I could tell she was trying hard to keep it together. “I’m still here, Maggie.”

She started to cry, and I squeezed her hand in mine as the head of the bed raised gradually. She exhaled a long-winded breath and shook her head.

“I didn’t think… I was so afraid, Ryan.”

“I didn’t mean to scare you.” I lifted my hand and cupped her cheek. The plastic tubes in my veins dangled, but I was careful. I needed to feel her skin.

She inclined into the touch and puffed out a laugh. “Don’t do it again.”

“I’ll try not to.” I gave her a grin despite the pain I felt from my cracked lips.

Her smile faltered, and she turned to the machines at my side. I dropped my hand from her cheek as my eyes fell to her stomach.

“Ryan, you had a heart attack. Your…” She stopped when my hand moved to her belly.

“When I died, I saw Belle again.” I raised my eyes and watched Maggie’s tears fall. The tears came fast and hard, and I lifted my hand from her stomach, only to take one of Maggie’s in mine. I brought both of our hands to her belly, and a soft cry broke from her lips. “She looked just the same, you know. It was crazy. Maybe I’d just been dreaming, but I felt it, Maggie. I felt her, and I didn’t want to let go.”

“But you did?” Her voice wavered.

“I did. She showed me something.” My eyes fell to her belly again. I wasn’t sure if or when we’d have a child, but I couldn’t wait for it. I was trapped in this hospital bed, but I had knowledge and that insight… it gave me hope. I couldn’t wait to make a life with her. I wanted to give her everything I could. “She showed me a piece of time. You and Beth were there, and I saw it all. We’d created a life, and you looked beautiful carrying our child. I couldn’t look away, Maggie. I wanted that moment she had shown me. I wanted it so bad it pulled me back… it pulled me back to you.”

She cried silently as she leaned toward me and rested her forehead against mine. She pressed my hands firmly on her stomach. “I’m pregnant, Ryan.”

I sucked in a breath. “What?”

She pulled away, and her blue eyes searched my face. My stomach felt light as she nodded her head. “I found out today, just before…” she closed her eyes and inhaled before she continued, “…before they brought you in.”

A smile parted my lips.

“Belle showed you?” Maggie asked, and her brows pulled together.

“Yes.”

She brought her lips to mine, and the contact felt good. If I wasn’t strapped to all these IV lines, I’d pull her into me, wrap her up in my arms, and let her know everything was going to be okay. When our lips separated and she leaned back, I wiped the tears from under her eyes with my thumbs. “No more tears, all right? I’m here…” I smiled and tangled her fingers with mine, “… and this is everything I could have ever wanted. I never thought I’d have this again, but you’ve gifted me life, Maggie, and I’m going to seize it.”

“You’re not well, Ryan.” Her eyes started to glitter again. “I love you so freaking much, and this baby, our baby… you have to get better. You have to stick it out. I’m not giving you a choice. I want this too…”

My heart rate increased, and one of the monitors next to the bed echoed every beat.

“Your heart… they said it’s weak, but I know better now… I know you’re meant for this life, Ryan.
Our
family,
our
future…” she placed her palm on my chest, “…it’s here…” she brought our joined hands to her belly, “…and here. Your heart may be too big, but I can feel its strength with each beat.” She smiled, and the tears from her eyes trickled over her upper lip.

“I want to marry you, Maggie.”

She smiled slowly, and my own grin pulled across my face. I ignored the slight twinge of pain in my dry lips as I watched the color fill her cheeks. “I’ll marry you the day we leave this hospital if that’s what you really want.”

“Deal.” She thought I was kidding, but I wasn’t. I chuckled, and the discomfort in my chest made me cough. “Shit, that hurts.” Maggie’s smile dropped, and I regretted mentioning it. “Stop worrying.”

“Impossible.” She stood and pressed the call light. “You need pain meds.”

“I’m okay.” I shifted, and the ache in my limbs weighed me down.

Reality started to seep back into my body. My head throbbed, my throat still burned, and hell, it was hard to breathe. Without thinking, I tried to clear my throat with a cough, and a red-hot pain seared my sternum. I winced, and Maggie hurried back over to the bed. “Why does my chest hurt so bad?”

“Tate had to do CPR… chest compressions. They’re no picnic,” she said as she attempted to fix the sheets. She pulled them down and carefully untangled one of the lines.

“I’m a mess, aren’t I?”

She paused and lifted her eyes from the bed. “You had a heart attack, Ryan. You almost died… you—”

She didn’t get a chance to finish her sentence. A nurse and a tall man with silver hair and a white coat walked into the room. He looked at me and smiled before he slid his gaze to the monitors. Maggie stepped back and sat in the chair next to the bed as the nurse pushed some sort of minty shit into my veins through the IV. The heavy feeling in my chest almost completely disappeared.

“Mr. Hartford, I’m Dr. Cordova. It’s good to see you awake. It was a little touch and go there for a moment.” He chuckled, and when Maggie frowned, he cleared his throat. “How do you feel?”

“Like I just had a heart attack.”

He laughed and nodded his head. “Well, at least he still has his sense of humor.”

“What’s the plan?” Maggie’s voice was stern. She was in no mood for jokes.

“Well, his vitals look good.” His posture stiffened, and a serious expression creased his brows together. “Mr. Hartford—”

“Ryan.”

“Ryan… you’re in heart failure. The valves that help pump the blood through the chambers of your heart, they have a defect. What that basically means is that your heart has been working overtime for too long, and today your body said enough is enough.”