Sacred Hart (19 page)

The room was pitch black and, for a split second, I wasn’t sure where I was. My stomach rumbled, and Ryan’s deep breathing brought me back to reality. His arms were still wrapped around me, his head on my stomach just as we had been when we fell asleep. The red digital display from the bedside clock read just five minutes past ten. We hadn’t slept long, but we’d definitely missed dinner at the lodge. My eyes began to adjust to the moonlight that filtered through the window, and Ryan’s broad shoulders were illuminated by the light. I twirled a lock of his hair in my fingers as I thought about the past few months. We’d spiraled and burned so freaking bright, like earlier, and right now… the heavy weight of his body resting on mine… it couldn’t get any better.

My fingertips left his mane of thick, dark blond hair and trailed a path along his neck, exploring every centimeter of his skin on the way down to his shoulder. He inhaled deeply and turned his head so his nose was almost buried in my belly button. His beard was bristly against my skin, but the light touch of his breath tickled, and both of the sensations together made me squirm with a giggle.

“Mmm,” he grumbled and nipped at my belly.

Without meaning to, I squeaked and his low laughter vibrated in his chest, making me wriggle under his tight hold even more.

“You’re so ticklish.” His voice was still gruff with sleep, and as his lips left kisses lower and lower, my body flushed with heat.

My hands tangled in his hair as I tried to keep still. Goose bumps erupted under his touch, and a shiver threatened to wrack through me as his mouth moved slowly across my skin. My stomach, of course, chose that second to growl. His lips paused on my hip bone and he chuckled. He lifted his head and raised himself over me. He pressed against me, his arousal very apparent as he spoke, “You need to eat. This can wait,” he said as he pushed his hips against mine again.

“I think dinner is irrelevant at the moment.”

My smile was teasing as it stretched across my lips, and Ryan reacted immediately. Our mouths crashed together, and every hierarchy of need went out the window except for him. The real truth of Ryan and how his body was meant for mine was all that mattered. In this room, in our own private cosmos, the world and all its necessities could wait.

The world had to wait thirteen and a half hours to be exact. To say I was ravenous would be an understatement, but it was worth it. Ryan’s smile alone was gold as it reflected back at me from the glass. If I was being honest as I observed myself in the mirror as well, the grin on my face, it rivaled any of my previous goofy smiles, and if I was playing the
goofy smile game
right now, I’d be the winner no doubt. The thought brought me back to Beth, and even though I was here, loving every second of Ryan, I missed my daughter. Ryan pulled on his hooded sweatshirt and gripped my shoulders in his hands, working the sore muscles with his fingers.

He leaned down and kissed the top of my head before meeting my gaze in the glass. “Are you okay?” His smile fell just enough I noticed, and his brows creased.

“Just missing Beth.” As soon as I uttered the words, I’d wished them unsaid. I’d been away from her for less than twenty-four hours, and Ryan… he’d never see Belle again. The guilt twisted through me as I tried to speak. “I mean, I’m—”

His smile wrinkled around his eyes, and he turned my body so I was facing him. His sure finger lifted my chin. “Don’t,” he whispered and placed a tender kiss on my forehead as he held his palm at the nape of my neck.

“Never be sorry for missing your daughter.” His lips dusted against my skin, and as he pulled away, he dropped his hand and tangled his fingers with mine. “I miss my daughter, Maggie, but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to miss Beth.”

“I know. I just don’t ever want to—”

“Egg shells are meant to be broken. I like that you think of Belle.” He gave me a crooked smile, and the weight on my shoulders lifted. “You never need to worry. Always say what you mean, Maggie, and I’ll be fine. It may sting, it may bring up shit… but I’ll have to learn to deal with it the best I can, because I want this… you, me, Beth and Belle… I want it to work.”

I nodded and squeezed his hand. “Okay.”

He inclined toward me and kissed me once on the lips.

“Let’s get some food before we both pass out.” His smile revealed his dimple and it sent the butterflies flapping in my empty belly. A slight wave of nausea caused my jaw to clench, and I stumbled as we walked to the door.

“I think I could eat a cow or the whole freaking barn for that matter.” I grimaced as I found my footing.

Ryan’s laugh was full as he opened the door for me. “Now that I’ve got to see.”

We’d stuffed our faces with pancakes, bacon, and I think I might have even eaten Ryan’s left over hash browns. The clouds had rolled in by the time we’d gotten to the beach, and we’d been hiking for about twenty minutes before we found a premade fire pit. The driftwood had been almost reduced to ash, but we gathered enough of our own to make a new fire. A huge boulder sat just off the coast and jutted up from the sea breaking the horizon with its stark beauty. The tree line hovered behind us as I watched Ryan set up the logs.

Ryan and I had talked a lot about my past and my family at the restaurant. I let him rummage through my brain for a while. It seemed he liked to have the spotlight off of him, and I enjoyed watching his eager expressions as he learned more about Beth and me. The conversation only quieted once we got to the beach. It was a sanctuary, and the comfortable silence enabled us to take it all in. It gave me time to think about our future, about where Ryan and I went from here. He was a solid male figure in Beth’s life. I was in love with him and the way he’d shared himself with us and, as he placed the final piece of wood strategically on the pile, I got the nerve to ask him what I’d been wanting to know since Beth had mentioned it.

“Beth told me you showed her a picture of Belle?”

He hesitated and stopped what he was doing. “I did.” He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. He opened it carefully and took out a worn looking photograph and stared at it. His Adam’s apple moved smoothly in his throat as he swallowed deeply. “This is Birdie.”

He handed me the picture and I couldn’t help it — tears had begun to well and, as they fell free, they wet my lashes. She was an angel, and I’d never seen him smile like he had in this picture. It was just a profile shot, but you could see it; you could see the utter elation in the set of his cheeks and the adoration he felt with the tip of his nose to hers.

“She’s perfect.” My words were just croaked syllables as I tried to capture his gaze.

Ryan’s dark eyes slid away from mine. The sky was threatening rain, and the black depths of the ocean pulled his attention away from the shore. He was no longer with me in this moment but hidden in a space between now and then. I held the photograph close to my chest to protect it from the wind, and I let him mourn in silence. The waves crashed, and he didn’t flinch as the chilled wet wind whipped around us.

He was a statue as I wrapped my arm under his and around his waist. The wind tussled his hair; he was warm, but he remained immobile and quiet. I was just about to speak, I wanted to reel him in, pull him from the oblivion he was sinking in, but he beat me to it. “
’For whatever we lose (like a you or a me), It's always our self we find in the sea.’
” His voice was stretched thin as he whispered the strange verse.

“What?”

Ryan lowered his chin and looked at the ground. “It’s from a poem by e.e. cummings.” His lips broke from their frown with a slight smile as he finally brought his sad eyes back to me. “You know what the title is?”

I shook my head.

“Maggie and Milly and Molly and May.” His smirk grew and my smile mirrored his. “I have a book of his poems… it’s funny how everything sort of seems to just fit when it comes to you.” Ryan’s warm palm rested on my cheek. “I get lost, Maggie, sometimes for days, but since I’ve met you, everything keeps pushing me to you. Maybe… Belle is in heaven…. maybe she sees how happy you make me… maybe she’s the one pulling all the strings.”

I leaned into his touch and closed my eyes briefly. His cotton smell hadn’t been overpowered by the ocean air, and I breathed him in with a long inhale. My eyes opened and I handed him the picture. “I believe… Ryan… I do, and I know Belle is smiling down on her daddy. I just know it.”

He let his gaze linger on mine before he looked at the picture. His hand dropped from my cheek, and he trailed it along the surface of the photo. “I think you’re right,” he spoke as he placed the picture back in his wallet.

He tucked it away in his pocket and the somber mood dissipated as his smile grew just as wide as it had been this morning. His hands settled on my shoulders and his smile deepened even more.

“‘
Trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)
honor the past
but welcome the future.’”
The words fell from his lips in a deep timbre and, as he spoke them, he leaned toward me resting his forehead against mine like he always did. I figured it was his way of saying
“I love you”
with touch. “When I look at you, I can’t help but welcome the future.”

I was crazy because I’d marry this man right now, on this freezing beach, in jeans and a WSU hoodie. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him with all the love I had in my heart. When we parted, I noticed the brown color of his irises had lightened. The shadow was gone… he was back, in the present, with his future dangling from his shoulders.

“I like this e.e. cummings.”

“One good thing about prison, it gives you time to read and learn.”

I dropped my arms from his neck and gave him a playful nudge with my hip in an attempt to lighten the mood. “Poems and sweet words… I think someone's trying to butter me up so he can have his way with me later.”

Ryan’s laugh was full and open as his head tipped back exposing the line of his throat. I bit the corner of my lip to suppress my own laughter.

“Maybe.” He smirked.

He shook his head and took my hand in his as he pushed my hair behind my ears with the other. He kissed me sweetly and then pulled away. “Should we get this bonfire going?”

“Will you recite more poetry?” I asked and cocked my brow.

He chuckled. “Only if it means we get to repeat last night.”