Luke 6:32 – 36
Jesus couldn’t have said it any clearer. If you manage to love only an easy-to-love husband, why do you need God? Even non-Christian women can love a thoughtful, caring, unselfish, and mature man. What credit is that to you? If you serve your husband, expecting to be served in return, what spiritual rewards can you hope to gain? In that case, you’re merely trading personal favors. But when you give and
don’t
receive; when you love those who
don’t
know how to love or who
refuse
to love; when, indeed, you can love even the wicked and the ungrateful — well, at that moment you exhibit the same love that God showed to us when he loved us in our sin and rebellion. And Jesus promises that he will richly reward you.
If your husband is spiritually weaker than you are, your job is to bear with his failings in such a way that you build him up, not tear him down. Instead of assuming the worst, call him to his best. Some women, rather than building up their spiritually weaker husbands, expend their verbal energy discouraging their husbands and tearing them down, berating them for their perceived lack of spiritual leadership.
This exactly reverses the counsel of the apostle Paul in Romans 15:1 – 2: “We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.”
The time to obsess over your husband’s character is
before
you get married, not after. Once you exchange vows, you should focus only on your obligation to love.
To love well, you have to be honest and ask some tough ques-tions: “How do I love an emotionally distant man?” “How do I love a guy who never seems to pray?” “How do I love a man who doesn’t even know how to spell ‘spiritual leader,’ much less be one?” “How do I love a man who loves his congregation more than he loves me?” But ask such questions in a spirit of humble and prayerful inquiry, not resentful complaint.
If you find yourself in a spiritually imbalanced marriage, expect pride to become your greatest temptation. You may forget that God is working on both of you, and that in the light of God’s perfect holiness, the difference in righ teousness between you and your husband wouldn’t buy a vowel on
Wheel of Fortune
. Philippians 2:3 tells us, “In humility consider others better than yourselves.”
Later in the same chapter, Paul urges believers to “continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose” (verses 12 – 13). Just as God may use you to move your husband toward rebirth and salvation, so he may use
even your unsaved spouse
to move you toward greater holiness. A big part of that holiness includes developing a Christlike attitude. Christ always maintained a tender heart toward the weak and immature.
Please don’t get me wrong; I don’t want to minimize the real loneliness and legitimate heartache of living with a person who doesn’t share your faith. But I do want to open your eyes to the incredible opportunity for growth that such a marriage offers. I know of no better way to do that than to tell the story of a remarkable woman who spent more than two decades praying for her nonbeliev-ing husband.
John and Catherine
“John” and “Catherine”
*
were both twenty-one when they entered what many might have considered a surprise marriage in 1968. Catherine had seriously considered becoming a nun and had even spent seven months in the novitiate, but in the end she dropped out of the novitiate and married John, whom she had dated in high school.
John never shared Catherine’s religious inclinations. Though early on, John attended church services on special days, shortly after they married, John made his intentions as clear as possible.“Going to church doesn’t mean anything to me,” he told Catherine, “and I’m not going to go anymore.”
For the next couple of years, Catherine didn’t go much either; but that changed when she had a baby at the age of twenty-three. Two years later, Catherine underwent what she calls a born-again experience. She told John that she had received Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior and that life would be much different from now on.
“We’ll see how long this lasts,” John replied. “You do a lot of impetuous things, so we’ll just see.”
John flew for the navy, so for twenty of the next twenty-four months he lived away from home. During that time, Catherine expressed her newfound faith by going to church “continuously.” When John returned home, Catherine recalls, “God began to train me to become a Christian wife.” For the previous two years, Catherine had focused on being a Christian mother; now she had to add “wife” to her résumé.
Catherine admits she made many mistakes early on. “I marvel at the grace and mercy of God,” she says. “Without him, I think I would have destroyed our marriage single-handedly. I did lots of things wrong.”
For starters, she went to church too often, leaving her husband to fend for himself. “I was at church every Sunday morning and Sunday evening, Tuesday morning, Wednesday evening, and Thursday morning. I was neglecting my husband, which was wrong, especially since he had just returned from deployment.”
John’s salvation became a focal point of Catherine’s prayers. Early on, God gave Catherine assurance through the book of Acts that, just like Cornelius, she “and all [her] household” would be saved (Acts 11:14).
Catherine occasionally asked John to come to church, and though John always responded graciously (he never ridiculed her faith or told her not to go), he made it clear that when it came to “religion,” he wanted to be left alone. “Don’t let it cloud our relationship,” he said.
One time, John agreed to come to a children’s program in which his kids had a part, but in addition to the program, he heard a lot of singing and praying and a short but pointed evangelistic message. John felt as though he had been tricked into coming. “Don’t you ever,
ever
do that to me again,” he told Catherine.
During the long season of John’s eventual march to faith, Catherine had to learn a number of personal lessons. Chief among them, she said, came from Jesus’ words about how the kernel of wheat must fall to the ground and die (see John 12:24).
“The main premise for me in applying that verse to my life was that my needs were not the most important needs; his had to come before my own. If I were willing to put my emotional needs aside and trust God to meet those, there would be a harvest.”
Catherine freely admits that her “emotional neediness” (“I was very needy;
nobody
could meet those needs”) caused tension in their marriage. Catherine came from an emotionally expressive home, and while John’s home also enjoyed deep affection, feelings seldom got expressed in the same way.
John cites Catherine’s patience as a primary reason why he finally became willing to reconsider the faith. “Catherine’s patience was the key, especially the way she trusted in God and his timing. She did her best to live her life as God wanted her to and to quietly demonstrate those values.”
It’s not as though Catherine was perfect. “She had periods of impatience when I wouldn’t listen,” John admits. “But she never tried to push it on me when I told her I just wasn’t interested.”
Releasing John
A turning point came after Catherine gave birth to her third child. She and John had moved back to Denver, and Catherine felt lonely. John was gone most of the time, trying to find a new job. Catherine faced the hormonal readjustment that follows every birth; and she had just landed in a new community. “I told the Lord how I was feeling. I knew that I was building up resentment and that my marriage was kind of on shaky ground.”
God spoke very clearly to Catherine, telling her that as long as she expected John to do things for her that he couldn’t do, she was setting him up for failure and herself up for resentment. God challenged her with the words, “If you will release him through forgiveness, then you will open up the door for me to work in his life.”
For the next several years (no short journey!), whenever Catherine’s feelings got hurt, she said out loud, “Lord, I forgive him, and I release him to you and ask you to work in his life.”
One day, Catherine got tired of praying this prayer. “That’s great for John,” she confessed to God, “but who will meet
my
needs? What about me, God?”
She heard God reply, “Catherine, I will
always
meet your needs.”
Catherine explains that surrendering to God’s care and provision was “like a miracle.” Each time she spoke forgiveness into John’s life, she could walk back into a room without playing mind games or punishing John for any perceived slights.
John understood how much his lack of faith hurt Catherine. One time, he dropped her off for church, and Catherine walked into a service that had been prepared by husbands to honor their wives. As Catherine saw husbands giving roses to their spouses, she just lost it. She wasn’t prepared for the emphasis on couples worshiping together, and she grieved over not having her husband by her side. She felt so distraught that she skipped Sunday school and cried during most of the worship ser vice.
When John picked up Catherine and the kids, he could tell she felt sad, and he said, “I’m sorry I can’t do this for you.” Though Catherine still hurt, it meant a lot that John somehow was able to plug into the pain she was feeling over his absence.
Catherine occasionally shared the gospel message with her husband, but sparingly — maybe ten times in twenty-three years, “when something came up.” For instance, when Continental Airlines went through difficult times, John, one of their pilots, lost his job for three years. John and Catherine finally exhausted all their savings.
“John,” Catherine said, “this is a perfect opportunity to trust God. I know God is faithful, and he
will
meet our needs. Will you watch with me and see what he will do? Will you acknowledge it when he answers our prayers?”
Over the next three days, three families independently gave John and Catherine over a thousand dollars combined.
Still, John didn’t give in. “I can’t believe like you do,” he told Catherine. “I just can’t.”
Then God unleashed the plan that would ultimately bring John to faith.
A Family Crisis
John and Catherine’s two girls sailed through youth group “without a problem,” but their son, Brian, had a difficult time connecting with the new youth pastor. To make matters worse, Brian got beat up at a church camp; and what’s more, he began identifying with his same-gender parent who had absolutely no interest in faith.
As Catherine watched her son make some dangerous choices, she grew angry at her husband. She told John, “To see our children serving God is the most important thing in the world to me. Our son looks up to you; you’re a hero to him, and the two of you have a very good relationship. If anything happens to his Christian faith, I’m holding you personally responsible, and I will never forgive you” — this was the first and only time Catherine ever threatened John.
“Are you saying this will affect our relationship?” he asked.
“Yes,” Catherine answered.
The conversation took place as John and Catherine were on a bike ride, and as John surged ahead, Catherine thought, “That was too harsh.” She started to peddle harder in an effort to catch up and apologize, but Catherine believes God quieted her down and told her not to say anything more. “Maybe I shouldn’t have said it, but I may well have made things worse by talking about it more,” she speculates.
As Brian began to experience disciplinary and drug problems, Catherine sensed the Lord saying something to her in prayer that at first made no sense: “You’re no longer to be the spiritual head of the home.”
“Well, if not me, then who will it be?”
“I’m going to lay the mantle of spiritual headship on John, and I want you to tell him that.”
“How can that be? He isn’t even born again!”
But Catherine eventually gave in and told John what she perceived that God had told her in prayer. John felt just as aghast as Catherine had felt. “I can’t do that, Catherine! How can I do that?”
“I don’t know, but that’s what God said, so that’s all I can tell you.”
Later, the Lord directed Catherine to pray for John every day, specifically that he would learn to walk in spiritual headship as God himself came alongside to teach him. None of it seemed to make any sense, but Catherine chose to follow along.
Today, she’s very glad she did.
After Brian got caught smoking marijuana, John and Catherine went to see a counselor. While praying about this visit, Catherine once again sensed that God was speaking to her: “You are no longer to discipline Brian; John is to do so. I want you to pray every day for John’s disciplining process.”
John had
no
problem with this! In fact, he was glad to hear it, fearing that Catherine would be too soft. For once, he thought God had a great idea.
As Catherine looks back, she realizes that “this was one of the most important pieces for God to set in place; what John did not know was that he was assuming spiritual headship.”
A very difficult year and a half went by. Brian continued to abuse drugs, and he got suspended from school in his senior year of high school. John and Catherine pursued more serious counseling, but Catherine had became busier than ever after having just started nursing school. About this time, Catherine sensed that God was directing her to pray earnestly for John’s salvation. Catherine had prayed for John for most of their marriage, but it often went in spurts. For a time, she would contend strongly for her husband but then get discouraged and pull back; after a time of healing, she would again enter another season of fervent prayer. Catherine remembers telling a friend, “I’m entering a new season of praying for John to become a Christian.”