Therapists claim that the Internet has changed everything; the shame associated with visiting a sleazy “adult store” in the bad part of town has vanished, and many men have a very difficult time fighting the temptation when their computer makes it appear to be everywhere. According to Dr. Whitman, the Internet has made the viewing of porn anonymous (“in a chat room, you can be whoever you want”), accessible (“you can get it from almost any computer”), and affordable (“lots of it is free, which also makes it untraceable through the family budget”), thus removing many of the roadblocks previous generations faced.
Now,
of course
you’ll want to take your husband’s interest in viewing other naked women “personally.” Yes, your anger is appropriate. Certainly, your hurt is more than understandable. Absolutely, this is an offense against you and a breaking of the marital vows of faithfulness. Over time, and in certain situations, I believe persistent, unrepentant use of Internet pornography can even constitute an affair. But I also believe the viewing of pornography has at its root a spiritual cause. If the wife takes it only on a personal level, she can actually impede the man’s healing process. Your husband needs redemption, spiritual intimacy, practical help, and forgiveness with accountability. You might be his last hope in the battle Satan is waging to pull him away from God. “Making a scene” merely feeds the spiritual dynamics that feed a hunger for pornography.
I believe God created sexual intimacy, in part, as a spiritual glue between a husband and a wife. If we live according to God’s design, a wife can make her husband feel things no other woman has ever made him feel. She can touch him in places and in ways no one else has the right to. Together, a married couple can build pleasurable memories and years of mutual gratitude based on God’s gift of marital sexuality.
But what can unite two hearts can also divide two hearts when sexual expression takes place outside of the marriage context — which is what porn does, on a regular basis. This is nothing short of a spiritual war.
You gain little by seeing your husband as an enemy in this con-flict — but can you try to view him as a casualty? I’m
not
saying he’s only a victim; I’m just saying he has willfully given himself over to a serious weakness, and he needs your support, forgiveness, and strength to walk out of it. You’re probably going to need to vent, so find a close, discreet friend you can talk to, if this will help you act in a redemptive way in your husband’s presence. Normally, I would never suggest talking about your husband like this with another person. But in this case, I’m trying to be realistic. You’re going to be hurt, and you’re going to need someone to listen to you talk things out as you support your husband. I may be wrong, but I wouldn’t fault my wife for talking with someone if I knew she was motivated out of a desire to love me and stand by me through this terrible struggle.
Second, I’ve usually found that this issue — once it comes out in the open — is best addressed in a men’s accountability group or, in the case of a serious problem or addiction, a therapy group. For some men, a support group won’t work; they need a trained therapist to deal honestly and seriously with their sin. You want your relationship with your husband to focus on sexual fulfillment and enjoyment; always asking him if he’s been “good” has a debilitating effect after a while. If Internet porn is the main problem, let a brother in Christ ask your husband if he has viewed anything inappropriate in the past week. Urge your husband to visit www.covenanteyes.org, and download some software that will capture the name of every website he visits. It will then forward that information each month to designated accountability partners.
One of the reasons I think it’s helpful to have other men hold your husband accountable is the sad fact that the process of recovery and repentance is rarely error free. I was shocked when reading Dr. Carnes’s book to discover that he considers most recovery programs a
five-year
cycle (with the second six months being the most likely time for a relapse). That motivated me to teach my son about prevention, urging him not to open a door that’s so difficult to close. Some wives expect their husbands to drop a lifelong habit without any relapses, and in most instances, this is probably unrealistic. That’s why having another man hold your husband accountable can spare you from the ugly realities involved in walking out of a pernicious sin.
Dr. Whitman gives women a clear explanation of what’s really going on: “It’s about the man’s
fantasy
. In the porn-enhanced fantasy, everything is excitingly perfect and uniquely custom-made. Yet by definition, fantasy is not real. You, the wife,
are
real — for better or worse. You are competing with a fantasy that you can’t possibly measure up to. Fortunately, you are really not
personally
in a competition. In a very real sense, it’s not about you; it’s about your husband’s problem.”
8
There’s a major difference, of course, between a repentant, struggling husband and one who’s in denial. If your husband refuses to enter an accountability group or to take steps to address his behavior, then I think you have every right to set some clear boundaries. You shouldn’t have to put up with a husband who regularly is unfaithful to you, even if only mentally. There may come a time when you need to say, “Look, for our marriage to continue, this behavior must stop, and that stopping point is
now
. If you refuse to address it, I have no choice but to take it before our church and begin seeking their counsel as to my next step.” Ephesians 5:11 tells us, “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.”
Unfortunately, as Mitch Whitman reminded me, “many pastors or churches really don’t know what to do with a serious pornography problem. This is one area where many times a woman should insist that her husband seek professional Christian counseling.”
Impure Desires
Pornography abuse can lead to incessant demands and ungodly requests in the marital bed. The Bible anticipated this. Hebrews 13:4 reads, “The marriage bed [should be] kept pure.” This means you have no obligation to meet a man’s sexual desire when that desire conflicts with God’s design for marital sexuality.
Numerous emails have convinced me that ugly things are happening in married couples’ bedrooms across the country. Some Christian women believe they have to accommodate their husband’s every request. I don’t believe the Bible teaches this, nor do I think you help your husband when you engage in any activity that feels offensive, demeaning, soul-destroying, or physically harmful.
I’m not being a prude. At times, a married couple may indeed “push the envelope” and on occasion look at each other with a sly grin when they consider what they’ve done, laughing about it and maybe even turning red-faced — “if only so-and-so knew!” But that’s very different from looking back on an act that elicits feelings of shame, regret, and degradation. Holy sex builds up intimacy, strengthens the relationship, and creates mutual enjoyment and respect. Any act that involves coercion and builds regret, shame, and anger works against what God designed sex to do. Like anything else, you can usually judge an act of sex by its fruit: how do you feel the morning after? Of course, not all guilt-free sex is holy (one’s conscience may be seared), nor is all guilt legitimate (one’s conscience may be overly sensitive). But if the Bible doesn’t prohibit the experience, if both of you enjoyed it, and if it brought the two of you together, it pretty much passes the test. One couple’s view of fun, of course, may differ wildly from another couple’s view.
It’s sobering but true: a man’s character can be corrupted even in the marital bed. If he regularly degrades or debases his wife, he destroys his own soul — and no wife should feel compelled out of guilt or obligation to willingly participate in her husband’s soul destruction, even if he wants (or begs) her to. Saying no could be the most loving thing you do, but make sure you accompany each no with another yes that offers true intimacy, pure pleasure, and
holy
satisfaction.
Sadly, some men have so given themselves over to lust that “normal” pleasures offer little satisfaction; they think they need something immoral. Why? Because they have cultivated and given themselves over to an ungodly view of sexuality. Dr. Whitman warns wives that this is often a symptom of pornography abuse and/or addiction. He says, “The philosophical message of porn is that women are sex objects intended for the male’s pleasure. The greater the sex addict’s progression, the greater his need becomes for ever more exciting sexual thrills. As his demands grow, a wife will experience a notable change in the type of demand. If a wife feels like her husband’s demands are degrading, there is a likelihood of his being influenced by pornography.”
In this case, too, you would do well to bring in a trained Christian therapist. Only the rare husband, maybe one out of a thousand, will listen to you rather than resent you when you stand up to his sexual demands. He will need to hear it from someone else — and in the spirit of humility, counseling will be a good check to make sure you are truly operating out of godliness rather than out of a hypersensitive conscience or your own lack of love.
Also consider the indirect approach. If your husband attends a men’s group, all members would benefit tremendously by studying C. J. Mahaney’s
Sex
,
Romance
,
and the Glory of God: What Every
Christian Husband Needs to Know
(Wheaton, Ill.: Crossway, 2004). Consider buying a copy and slipping it to a guy in the group (but be very careful about this, or else it could explode in your face; you might want to give it to a friend, who would give it to her husband, who just happens to be in your husband’s group).
Finally, you may need the encouragement of the following comment from Dr. Whitman: “It’s possible that a woman may do everything right in this area but still meet with no success. Something is wrong, but she can’t fix it. When this is the case, seek help! That is why licensed counselors exist.
*
We can usually figure out what is going on with the guy.”
Yes, it will humble you to pursue help with regard to such a sensitive matter; but if you can look ahead and envision the possibility of a fulfilling sex life for the rest of your marriage, wouldn’t you consider the momentary discomfort a small price to pay for decades of healthier living?
A Blessing or a Burden
In some ways, sex seems like a very heavy burden. At other times, it may seem like one of the top two or three blessings — but if so, then why does it cause so much hurt and pain and confusion?
It is not for us to question our Creator’s design. If he has called you into marriage, he has called you into regular sexual relations with your husband. Biblical marriage isn’t a cafeteria in which we can pick and choose the dishes we enjoy. It’s more like a soup — a lot of ingredients mixed together, and we must take the dish as a whole. God’s design calls you and your husband to sexual fidelity and loyalty, as well as to sexual generosity and ser vice, regardless of whether either of you feels like it. Anything less betrays marriage as God laid it out for us. To withhold one element of marriage is to rebel against God himself.
Be careful: your first argument may be not with your husband but with the God who created marriage! He knew, going in, that men and woman would be built differently. He knew, going in, that our levels of desire would often conflict. Yet he still created marriage, he designed the sexual relationship, he created you, he created your spouse, and he blessed your union.
Will you live in his design for you? Will you allow him to equip you to fulfill the tasks marriage asks you to perform?
Sexual relations are worth the effort to get it right. A frustrating sex life produces as much pain as anything. On the other hand, a mutually satisfying sex life does wonderful things for a marriage. It knits a man’s heart to his wife. It helps to protect his sexual integrity and keeps him from sinning against his God. It motivates him to please his wife, and it cements his loyalty to his home. And, as an added benefit, it helps a wife learn how to love in a godly and selfless way.
*
Please do not contact me via email to discuss theses issues. I am not a trained therapist, and email “counseling” is as ineffective as it is unwise. Approach someone who can sit down with you face-to-face, who can spend the necessary time with you — perhaps over the course of several months.
Chapter 15: Ken and Diana:
Affair on the Internet
Winning Back the Husband Who Strays
T
he crisis in Diana’s house finally erupted on May 24, 2002, when “Ken” told “Diana”
*
that he “cared about her but didn’t love her.”
Three months earlier, Ken and Diana had discovered that their daughter, Hillary, was cutting herself; doctors later diagnosed her as clinically depressed. In the wake of Ken’s shocking declaration, Diana decided to keep first things first: “It doesn’t matter what you feel about me,” she told Ken. “If you leave now, Hillary might not make it.
You will not leave this house
, for Hillary’s sake, if nothing else.”
Ken agreed, but the couple’s long ordeal had just begun. They shared the same house and even the same bed, but emotionally, they lived miles apart.
Early on, Diana sought solace in her faith. She read Psalm 55, about how a companion, a close friend “with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship” (verse 14), betrayed the writer, and her copious tears permanently stained her Bible. “The next seventeen days were horrible,” Diana admits, “but God was so faithful.”